The Simpsons s24e13 Episode Script

Hardly Kirk-Ing

Yee-haw! Ew.
(classical music playing) BART: Dad, what are you watching? I think it's a Terrence Malick movie.
No, you're watching Baby Poindexter, the most educational DVD available at the checkout aisle at the grocery store.
Finally, a kid's show that isn't trying to sell you something.
Which reminds me, we need to order more rectangles.
FEMALE NARRATOR: Friends.
(bells jingling) Friends.
Colleagues.
(gasps) Don't watch that DVD.
I threw that away because studies show it doesn't do any good.
Look at me.
Maybe instead of watching TV with the kids, you could take them outside.
What are you doing? This so-called educational DVD may have even stunted the development of the kids who watched it.
LISA: Wait a minute.
Didn't Bart and I both watch this thing when we were little? I'm afraid so.
Well, the obvious question is, why did I turn out so academically superior while Bart While Bart turned out so wonderful in his own way.
That's the way people talk about Ralph.
Ralph, whose favorite color is peanut butter.
I wish I knew what happened.
(horn honking) (imitates honking horn) But now that I know better, no DVDs for you kids.
Just educational television.
NARRATOR: We return to Ice Road Hand-Fishing.
This has been our way of life since we were pitched the idea by reality show producers.
Welcome to Thieving Bear Chopper Hunt.
Okay, no TV at all.
ALL: What? Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment, but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.
Fine.
No TV for 24 hours.
Where'd you pull that crazy number? We can do without TV for a day.
We're taking Maggie to a children's book store, where she can learn the old-fashioned way.
The way children did from 1910 to 2002.
(grunting) Homer, a little help? I'm on it.
Hmm.
Hmm.
If I buy you, why do I need all these books? Shut up, shut up, shut up! Instead of watching TV, we can read children's books written by TV stars.
Who's Milli Vanilli? I don't know, kid.
I didn't write this.
No refunds.
Look, Maggie, they have a story lady.
One day, Silly Sally said, "Let's have a sloppy, gloppy supper.
" First, they slurped their soup.
Slurp, slurp, slurp.
Then they chewed their bread.
Chew, chew, chew.
More soup? Oh, I could slurp this soup forever.
Slurp, slurp Sorry, folks, she doesn't even work here.
(grunting) HOMER: "Spot the hidden objects.
" Boy, you're pretty pushy for a book I just met.
Gotcha.
(laughing) Candy cane in the umbrella stand: oldest trick in the book.
Okay, let's see.
Ah, ah.
(mutters) Have you seen Lisa and Maggie? If they're not a trumpet or a rolling pin, then no.
Yip! Homie, help me find them.
Okay, now to see if I can apply my book knowledge to the real world.
Got them.
Wow, no TV for 24 hours? I couldn't get through a day without Doctors Oz, Phil and Gupta.
You're right.
I'm bored.
Epoxy fight! (groans) What the hell is an epoxy fight? Oh.
Don't worry, I'll clean it up.
Get me some whip cream and a safety scissors.
Don't worry, all I need is a cigarette lighter and some sandpaper.
(sanding) All right, let's just use a razor.
(gasps) Oh, my God.
You look just like your dad.
Let's see how far we can take this.
And finally the tie.
I always wanted to wear a necktie.
Mom says they make you more (in Kirk's voice): of a man.
Now sing the alphabet song.
(alternating with each letter): A-B-C-D-E-F-G H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O What if we Van Houten to the max? (in Duffman's voice): Whoa, that's a little too tight.
Oh, yeah.
Nah, back to the sweet spot.
Milhouse, if people believe you're a grown-up, we can do anything.
(in Kirk's voice): Like we go to a movie theater and pay full price? That would be awesome! Okay, first, tone it down.
Time to teach you to be a man.
What, now I'm not pulling it off? ("Here Comes Your Man" by Pixies playing) Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man.
And put the gas bill on auto-pay.
Nice.
Time for your final test.
(Homer grunting) (computer chiming) Oh, great.
Another invasive Skype from Mil Huh? Hello, Lisa.
This is my daddy.
I mean, um, Kirk Van Houten.
May I speak to your father, please? He's right here.
Homer, Bart would like to spend the night at our house, and he has my permission.
Sure.
What do I care? Not so fast! Huh? I also want to say that Bart is a remarkable boy, and I disapprove of your fathering and of your fat stomach.
Oh, well, uh sorry.
Give him anything he wants-- bigger allowance, a new bike-- just do it.
Whatever you say, sir.
Dad, why are you kowtowing to Mr.
Van Houten? Sometimes it's just so nice to have a man take charge.
And in ten years, make Lisa go to the prom with Milhouse.
Dad.
own-ups have their reasons.
(aggravated groan) Now, I want you to eat a gallon of ice cream in under two minutes.
But I just did that.
You now have one minute, 55 seconds.
(Bart and Milhouse laugh) I'm going to like being an adult.
(laughs) (groaning) Now you're the same height as your dad.
(in normal voice): I can reach the poisons now, each with an inviting skull and crossbones.
Kirk, you' wearing that shirt I bought you.
I thought you didn't like it.
(in Kirk's voice): I love when you buy me clothes.
You know what's itchy and what's not.
Oh, Kirk Evelyn Van Houten.
(humming happily) (in regular voice): I wish my dad could have been here to see my parents kiss.
Now, did you get Kirk's license? Uh-huh.
Ay, caramba! I rented a truck.
I'm driving a truck.
I crashed a truck.
I rented another truck.
Hey, Simpson, don't you have a lame dad of your own? (in Kirk's voice): Uh, I-I'd give you all my money, but my wallet is Velcroed too tight.
You're the wussiest adult I've ever seen.
An adult-- he's buying it.
Kirk, remember, you have the superpowers of a middle-aged man.
Hello, Mr.
Kirk.
I want to buy this beer, uh, cigarettes, magazines with boobs and three pairs of sunglasses.
Polarized.
I suspect you are buying for underage bullies, but as that is 98% of my business, I say, "Thank you, sir.
Come again.
" Yo, Bart.
Your grown-man friend is all right.
We should start threatening more adults.
Wouldn't that make us criminals instead of bullies? Let's beat up a philosopher until he gives us the answer.
Oh, good idea.
Yeah, I'm in.
I made my mom happy and got through the bullies without a punch.
Being an adult is super easy.
Hmm, hmm hmm.
(pops, chuckles) You dope.
It says those are for her pleasure.
Now it's time for me to live my fantasy with mature themes.
I'll go behind that curtain a boy but come out a man.
Hmm, more money for schools.
That could translate into more homework.
I know this is highly illegal, but you're not leaving this booth till you punch yes.
Don't bother screaming for help.
This is a municipal off-cycle election.
There's no one for miles.
(wolf howling) Don't forget your sticker.
(evil chuckling) Uh, hey, bartender.
We'd like two milks, and then you can tell us where babies come from.
Oh, well, in my case, my mom was hit with a voodoo curse.
I gestated for five years, then I popped out backwards and on fire.
Really? Oh, yeah, keep my tail right here in this jar.
(both gasp) Good times.
Mom, I think Maggie misses TV.
You know, Mom, I was thinking we could take Maggie downtown.
The Jazz Hole is featuring a Dizzy Gillespie tribute band.
(gasps) Their trumpeter has the puffiest cheeks.
I don't think so.
The U.
S.
Embassy has warned people not to go to downtown Springfield.
I get it.
Middle child, never do what I want.
Hmm.
Okay, I also know of a puppet show.
Long before the Teutonic slaughters visited upon our people, there was the massacre by Mstislov of Kiev in 1132.
(screaming) Maybe we should go.
Nobody leave till every puppet dead.
Bart, you wanted to show me something? Just one sec.
Nelson gave me some notes on a prank I'm doing.
Now, I asked you here because I know a cool grown-up who will take you to that club in the city.
Really? Who? (in Kirk's voice): Hello, Lisa.
Milhouse? Milhouse? Who's Milhouse? I mean, he-he's my son.
Well, Milhouse, you might get past the bouncer at the jazz club, because they're in no position to turn anyone away, but it doesn't matter, 'cause we can't pay for the gas and the cover fee anyway.
Au contraire, starfish hair.
The Baby Poindexter Company is being forced to pay a settlement to any parent who had enough misguided love to buy their videos.
They're not gonna write a check to a couple of kids.
Then I will be your guys' dad.
(screams) Thanks, but lowering your voice and standing on paint cans doesn't make you man enough to be my dad.
HOMER: Marge, can I get a subscription to Highlights magazine? MARGE: Homer, that's for children.
HOMER: Where does it say that? MARGE: Read the rest of the title.
HOMER: Highlights for D'oh! (Homer humming) Oh, dang it.
I lost my other earring.
Leave it to me.
Earring.
Oh.
Thimble from Monopoly game.
Wondered where that was.
$25 casino chip.
Oh.
The smallest nesting doll.
Oh.
Can you find anything you like in this bed? Just my honey pie.
Want to split it while we snuggle? Mm-hmm.
(Homer chewing loudly) MARGE: Now what are you doing? HOMER: Licking the wrapper.
There you go, one adult and two children one-way downtown.
Um, as adults, what do we do now? Shake hands? If you like.
And that's how you do it.
(chuckles) Now, remember, I can't sit backwards or I get sick.
Well, if I look at your face, I get sick.
Young man, apologize to your sister.
Make me, baldy.
Why, you little (grunting) (in normal voice): My adulthood! (grunting) I never thought I'd say this, but that is conduct unbecoming of a bus station.
Where'd your babies go? Your intellect-deadening DVDs turned my brother's brain to jelly.
Pretty shapes tell me to kill everybody.
Looks like you're entitled to the full rebate of $19.
95.
That's all you pay for screwing up a child for life? (in Kirk's voice): Kids, let me handle this.
Uh, we'd like it in singles and nickels, please.
Terrific.
Just need your signature.
In cursive? "X" is fine.
In cursive? Oh, it's just enough to get home.
I'm hungry now.
Hey, I'm walking on paint cans all day.
Give me a break.
Guys, look, free breakfast if we sit through a sales pitch.
Just remember, Milhouse, do not buy the condo.
But what if we can't afford not to buy it? Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.
Homer, Bart said the kids were going to the Van Houtens', but Luann just told me they're supposed to be here.
They've disappeared.
We'll get those kids back.
Because we just bought them new shoes.
Waldo, Waldo.
Do you think Lisa went to that jazz club I wouldn't take her to? How many kids will jazz corrupt? (tires squealing) Lap pool and fully-quipped gym with eucalyptus towels.
Now, let me give you the 14 different apartment configurations.
The hacienda, the urban oasis, castle in the sky, Connecticut sunset Lady, my stomach's full, and I want to go.
That's how it works in this country.
(beeps) If you try to leave, you'll find the doors are locked.
Well, before our dad signs any contracts, he has a surprise for you.
Oh, I hope it's that he's single.
(laughs) I'm single.
Though, some days, I have a girl buddy on field trips.
You're a bit of a freak.
I like that.
(giggling) You're the adult.
(grunts) (lock clicks) LISA: Kirk, don't you have something to tell her? Just looking for a casual hookup? Yeah, for my Thomas the Tank Engines.
Ooh, I love how I don't exactly understand what you're saying.
Homie, do you see anything? No.
I'm sorry.
It's Wait a minute.
When I said you needed a software update, it was not a criticism.
We found what we're looking for.
The kids? Sure, they could be here.
Who knows? (tires squealing) Ooh, I love how your arms are too short and thin for your legs.
Just like a crocodile.
(in Duffman's voice): I'm feeling a strange, refreshing brew of emotions.
Oh, yeah.
(grunts) Milhouse? (in normal voice): How'd you know it was me? The top of your head has a 5:00 shadow.
(gasp) Your hair is growing back.
Tell me your secret.
He's ten years old.
Oh, there's always a catch.
Is anyone here going to buy a condo? It's going to be yes, but don't rush me.
And worst of all, you cast my vote.
Who did you vote for in the nonpartisan judicial election? Williamson.
No, no, no.
I'm really sorry, Dad, but I have to say, it was pretty cool having your life.
You mean that? I'd be happy to wind up just like you.
I hope you remember that when I can't pay for your college.
Now, how would you like to go to your own parent-teacher interview while I see a movie? I'd like that.
Son, promise you will never look like me.
I sure hope not.
Why, you little That's not a heart-warming thing to end on! Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man Here comes your man.
Shh!