The Simpsons s24e17 Episode Script

What Animated Women Want

Maybe tomorrow When he looks down On every green field Ooh, ooh In every town All of his children In every nation There'll be peace and good Brotherhood What do women want? Throughout their herstory That's right, I said herstory.
Of plant Earth, men have attempted to answer that question, and failed.
Or should I say, "maled".
Ha, ha, ha Keep it under your head guys.
That I've got a date with a married woman.
So let me guess.
Is it Marge? Her husband's gonna be there too.
Got it.
You and Marge.
Give up? It's Marge.
I'm having a lunch date with my wife Good one.
Yeah.
You got us man.
Ha, ha.
A date with my wife.
Yeah, well I got plans for lunch too.
I'm lying under a tree.
Hmm.
Everybody's got something.
Ooh this is the coolest sushi restaurant in town.
It got three and a half stars in the Springfield Tire Guide.
When we got married, I promised you a life full of romance.
Now here it is.
Not fresh enough.
Can we get some soy sauce? We do not recommend soy sauce with that particular roll.
No soy sauce! You and all your ancestors banned! But-but I but Edamame them away! You really think that's going to get rid of us? How you like this soy sauce? The customer is never right! If they can be that rude, the food must be great.
I was just leaving a tip.
Tip included! Oh, Marge, this is amazing! I never realized some restaurants are better than others.
I hope you are enjoying your sushi.
It's as yummy as your poorly produced local commercial said.
I argued against that cowboy hat, but in the end, it worked.
So, without the kids, we can have sophisticated grown-up talk.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm! And I'm thinking of getting Maggie swimming lessons.
Beats drowning.
When God rested on the seventh day, did he take a nap or do a hobby he enjoyed? I think I'm interesting! What?! What?! You're interesting! Why would you say that?! Can you chew with your mouth closed? It's like looking into a garbage disposal.
Words hurt, you know? The most romantic part of this was the hold music when I made the reservation.
Maybe it's time for a visit from Wally the Kissing Walrus.
Everything has its breaking point.
Even the strongest substance in the universe a married mother of three.
That usually works, but not today.
Uh-oh.
Marge, I thought this was an innocuous lunch, but it's become terribly ocuous! Uh, conversation, conversation You look great.
And, uh, how was your day? Lousy.
You can't spell "lousy" without "us.
" I'm going to take a cab.
Marge, wait! Listen, we swore we'd never go to sleep angry at each other.
I'm not going to sleep.
Well, you didn't have two beers with your lunch.
Oh, my God.
A marriage so perfect that I could take it for granted for years suddenly explodes.
What do I do? What do I do? For a man confronted with danger, two responses immediately come to mind.
I like that picture of the sneaker with the wings.
I'm gonna flee! Where's an electric sidewalk when you need one? Fleeing didn't work.
I have no choice.
I will have to do whatever the other thing was! As Homer prepares to fight for his marriage, another battle between the sexes begins on the other side of Springfield.
Just once, I wish Lisa would get up, come over and sit next to me.
She's getting up! She's coming over! This is a nightmare! I think our lunches got mixed up.
Oh, I'm sorry.
That means I threw yours out.
But I still have a couple of your mini carrots.
Mm-hmm.
What's the matter? Not a vegetarian? Milhouse, got anything good? Sure.
I've got goulash, schnitzel, salmagundi Ooh, a cupcake.
Oh, yeah Um do you want it? Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna give up my cupcake for a second of attention? Isn't there a better way to relate to a girl? Go wash up and help me clear the table.
Now, that's how I clear the table! He could board my streetcar any time.
Why doesn't Blanche go for that delightful Karl Malden? Who, Potato Nose? Forget it.
For some stupid reason, chicks dig Brando.
Sweaty clothes and mumbling? I've been wasting my time with this sophisticated act.
Lisa, you can't have my cupcake.
Wha? You heard me, Duchess.
It's mine, and I'm saving it.
Oh, okay.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go think of you in a different light.
Great.
She's never gonna talk to me again.
I'm sorry I was inconsiderate, Milhouse.
And furthermore, I respect you more for saying no.
Tell you what, babe.
Why don't you get me a milk? Milhouse, where are you going with this? Playing the biggest hunch of my life.
I just have one thing to say: chocolate or regular? Huh? Why am I doing this? What are you doing, going to Wisconsin for the milk? I've seen cafeteria ketchup move faster! Who knew having a backbone was attractive? Certainly not I.
It would change the way my suits fit.
Milhouse, you'll probably think this is lame, but I was gonna go for a nature walk after school, and I thought maybe you'd like to Just start nature-walking.
See if I show up.
Milhouse has made his choice, and if there's any justice, he's doomed.
Now let's see what Maggie's up to.
Moving on Why are all his laundry-basket shots three point attempts? What are you doing home from work? I'm fighting for you, babe.
Fighting like I would for the last slice of cold pizza in the box.
And to show you how serious I am From the gas station? From the place beside the gas station.
Hmm.
Well, that does sound good.
I'll just stick this in your apology card drawer.
No.
I'm tired of your broken promises.
"Marge, I'm gonna lose ten pounds.
" "Sweetie, I'll be home at 8:00 p.
m.
" "Sweetie, I'll be home at 8:00 a.
m.
" "I'll take you out to the most romantic lunch of your life.
" I'm done! Marge was so happy when I made those promises.
What changed? Milhouse, seeing you there saying nothing it's the cutest you've ever been.
Uh Hush, sweet boy.
Let me get lost in the blue of your eyebrows.
Whatever.
Did you bring me that sandwich what I sent you out for? It came with fries or salad.
Whichever you picked, you picked wrong.
Well, I wasn't sure, so I got both.
Who knows her little Milhouse? I'm acting like a jerk, and Lisa's eating it up.
Why don't I feel good? I need advice from the most important woman in my life.
So everything was going great, and then I wondered if the me she likes is the real me.
Well, let me say this is the first time you've been brave enough to sit in this office without a bunny in your lap.
Where is the bunny?! He's in the closet.
He's fine.
I'm over here, Milhouse.
Focus.
You got to help me, Doc.
I just don't know what to do.
Don't worry, I'm here for you, and I'll be here for as long as it takes.
I'm fired? You're on your own.
I'll clean out my office immediately.
I'll show you how to clean out an office! I don't usually say this to kids, but don't be yourself.
Because yourself is not working.
Be that guy you just were.
Gotcha.
Oh, I love you, Fluffy Fella.
I just got fired! I need it more than you.
Fluffy Fella! Fella! Meanwhile, Homer was doing something very difficult for him-- thinking.
How do I win Marge over? I could get her kids to like me.
No, that ship has sailed.
Hmm.
Fortunately, the modern man has a third alternative.
Hmm.
Would it make a woman happy to do the things she asked you to do? I think it would.
Searchy, where can I find brake fluid? There are 14 Taco Joes in your area.
That was yesterday.
"Yesterday" by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.
Where can I find a better voice-activated search machine? Oh, I can't please any woman.
Milhouse, I'm not sure why you left me in the forest, so I made cookies.
But I didn't know what kind you liked, so I made seven kinds.
I've become my mother.
Well, common sense never goes out of style.
That was too easy.
Lisa! Did you see Marlon Brando in "Mutiny on the Bounty"? No, nobody did.
Then this is just me.
Ta-da.
Bart! Milhouse! Hmm.
Okay, let's see how straight it is.
Guess who's coming to dinner.
What have I told you about comical entrances? Sorry.
But you never said anything about comical exits.
Homie, what are you doing? I'm planing down that door that always sticks.
I put training wheels on Bart's bike, and made an appointment with the dermatologist to see about my slowly receding hairline.
Oh, Homer.
Yes, my love? This list is from six years ago.
Oh, well, you know how, in the Special Olympics, they give medals just for showing up? How many times do I have to tell you to quit comparing our relationship to the Special Olympics? When all is lost, a man's mind turns to one thing and one thing only.
What fish may I deplete from our oceans for your passing pleasure? Perhaps some shark fin soup? Whale tonsils? Baby dolphin blowhole? Turtle smile? I'd like a lot of food, and for this to be the last decision I have to make.
Aye, you want omakase-- chef's choice.
You're all I have left.
I trust you completely.
And I you.
Let me run your credit card to celebrate that trust.
Okay.
This should do it.
Thank you, Mr.
Franders.
Lis, you saved us.
Milhouse, are you okay? Milhouse, for Superman II, I got $5 million for three days work, so don't expect any more free advice from me.
How about me, Potato Nose? Uh later.
I see tears in your toro.
Marriage is so tough.
Every second, it could explode catastrophically.
Makes me not want to come home from my job at the nuclear plant.
I say marriage is like fish.
There are parts so delicious they could've been sliced from angels and parts we make into omakase.
Omakase Where have I heard that word before? You haven't-- now, finish your omakase.
Although we have but one ocean, it offers many special delights.
Wow.
Wow, this is the most delicious analogy I've ever eaten.
I need to share this insight with Marge.
Put this in your finest Styrofoam.
Once again, by eating alone, I have saved my marriage.
Please enjoy, with my compliments.
You can even eat the eyes.
Hmm.
He ate the eye.
Marge? For reasons I forgot in the car, this sushi represents our marriage.
But what I know for sure is that I want to share it with you.
He's taken a step.
He's really close.
All he has to do is not eat a piece before I do.
Okay.
But every man deserves a second chance.
As long as he doesn't I'm not hungry.
Good night.
Well, at least you don't have to suffer, boy.
Someone fed my sushi to a dog! You didn't get so mad when I told you I was fired today.
Blessing in disguise.
Now you can get your PhD.
I don't want a PhD.
I want a baby.
Here we go again.
Lisa, I could be anyone for you.
Except someone who's mean to you.
So I'm just gonna cave in and give you the cupcake.
I don't know it's four days old, I just ate Who are you, the Queen of Siam? Just take the cupcake.
Okay.
I wonder if Brando liked cupcakes.
I'm down to two a day, but I've been dead for ten years.
Aw, Moe.
Can you think of a way to please a woman that starts with "F"? Hey, you know, it's funny you should mention that.
I've been reading that, uh, Fifty Shades of Grey, and it turns out that what chicks want now is a guy to give them what for in the bedroom there.
Whoo-hoo! I'll woo her with whoo-hoo.
Ah, you know, if this is what women like, I should be a lot more popular.
But it does inspire me to work on my fan fiction.
"Sheriff Andy took Barney in his arms "and kissed him deeply, then said, "'Now, if Aunt Bee asks, we were down at the fishin' hole.
'" I-I can't be the only one who likes this.
Hello, there.
The minister's wife-- what are you doing here? Um protesting.
Is this dominating enough for you, sweetheart? Go back to the cowboy thing and wait in the car.
Help me out here, Homer.
Listenpal, this may sound kind of kinky, but, uh, I would like to, uh, please my wife.
Well, are you comfortable with role play? I think I could give it a shot what-what, governor.
Bob's your uncle.
Okay, no role play.
Oh, Marge.
Come to the garage.
You know it'll be good 'cause I'm saying it in a singsong fashion.
It's a snuggle dungeon.
Hey, Homer, can I get back my What does this do? Now, just relax.
Sit down Not in that chair! It has no bottom! This is not putting me in the mood.
Anger's a mood.
Why would you think I'd like this? I don't know.
It's just that you always say we should try new things.
But I thought snuggle clamps just might rekindle Quick, call the Procter & Gamble help line! Really? Geez, they make everything.
Huh? Oh, my God, Marge is here.
What is she thinking now? I'm glad you're okay.
Mmm? Now, I'm going to give you a powerful muscle relaxant.
Hmm, that was just a placebo.
What does that mean? Powerful drug.
Homer, I'm glad that you tried, even though now I can't find the washing machine.
It's behind the Dingle Swing.
Oh So you forgive me? Not because of what you bought, but because I realized that no matter what, you will never stop trying, and there's nothing a woman loves more than that.
Aw, thanks, honey.
So, uh, you're not cool with any of the toys? Actually, I'm cool with one of them.
Which one? Not gonna say.
What size batteries? D.
Ooh, how many? Sixteen.
Holy moly.
And so Homer and Marge's marriage was saved for another week.
As for Milhouse and Lisa Aw, that's sweet.
And those are the only two that reached the window.
What do you get when you fall in love? A guy with a pin to burst your bubble That's what you get for all of your trouble Are we forever to be trapped here in this sea? Look, a light! Perhaps that is the way forward.
Our journey begins.
On the next new Simpsons, Springfield fights off a bedbug invasion.
In two weeks, on Fox.
Shh!