The Simpsons s24e18 Episode Script

Pulpit Friction

Hey! D'oh! Our poor couch.
It sure has taken a beating over the years.
Might be time to get a new one.
Really? You want to throw something out just because it's a little old? Hello, everybody.
Rotten, damn, lousy Ow! Are there any two words more exciting than "couch shopping"? No need.
Already went online and ordered a new couch just like the old one.
And, you know, Marge, those salespeople weren't really our friends.
But they let me take fabric samples.
They charged a deposit.
They had to.
It came from corporate.
That's right, sweetie, it always comes from corporate.
Hey, this one's going to Springfield.
Chumps.
Don't everyone know that all New York furniture is full of bedbugs? Forget about it! It's forgot abouten! Ooh, wow.
Mmm.
New cushion smell.
I'm gonna put all my stuffed animals on it.
All right, get comfy.
Gentlemen, the fort is complete and will stand forever.
No way the Nazis will get in here.
Oh, I thought we were the Nazis.
The latest New York fashion has come to Springfield: bedbugs.
Ew, just hearing about them makes me itch.
Ooh, ooh.
Funny how the brain does that, huh? It's making me see them.
The brain is so stupid.
Those are bedbugs! How did we get bedbugs? Probably one of Bart's dirty friends.
Boy, why are your friends so dirty? Don't know.
Why are your friends such drunks? Touché.
I know this seems bad, but nothing brings out the best in Springfield like a crisis.
Bring out your bed! Bring out your bed! No! Hold my hand.
People, there is no need to worry.
I have developed the perfect bedbug repellant.
You see, behold the power of modified bear pheromones.
Marge, Milhouse was clean as a whistle till he played with your boy.
Now, we don't know it was the Simpsons.
I think the most obvious culprit is the poorest family.
'Tweren't us.
We don't even have beds.
We sleep in washtubs and coffins.
Why won't somebody blame the children? Well, the good news is it forced us all to church.
You know, in the Middle Ages, people took refuge in church to escape the bubonic plague, but that made the plague spread even faster.
Church! Everyone, please, calm down.
Reverend Lovejoy is here.
He will give us succor.
The Epistle of Jeremy is often cited as the most difficult book of the Apocrypha.
But to me, none of the anagignoskomena are more contemplative than the book of Tobit.
Mind if I p-p-pray through? It's the parson.
Are you gonna let a sunny summer day be ruined by a few b-b-bugs? God's soldier in cardigan.
Looks like I picked a swell day to return your six iron, Reverend.
Now, looky here, Tim.
This is a five-alarm brouhaha.
Now, for chili, that's just dandy, but I brought you a little backup.
I think I'm more than capable of handling this.
Need I remind you of the bingo riot last summer? God called all their numbers that day.
Please meet your new associate minister, the Right Reverend Elijah Hooper.
He was the number two man from Shelbyville.
Introduced angle parking.
We got in six more cars.
Folks, isn't he something? Big hand for Reverend Lovejoy.
Mm-hmm.
Everyone says great things about you, Tim, and I can see why.
The posture, the haircut, the tiny feet.
It's amazing they hold you up.
But they do.
They do.
So charming.
It's like he's selling silver polish at the state fair.
Look, here's why I'm here.
Church should make you happy, like a warm mug of soup.
Why does it taste better from a mug? I don't know, but it does.
God help me, I'm paying attention.
Okay, who here has read Leviticus? Mmm! Okay, now, who here has seen Meet the Parents? Me! Me, me.
Me, me, me, me.
Hilarious film; showed a whole new side of De Niro.
At first, he couldn't stand his son-in-law, but then they patch things up in a comical fashion, remember? The point is, at the end of the day, we love each other.
And that's all this thing really says.
So, don't waste your whole Sunday listening to us.
Go home and watch one of the Die Hard movies on TV.
They're always on, and they're always good.
And, ladies, drop in on a neighbor's open house just to see what they did with their sun room.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Now, go on home.
We're here every Sunday, just like Snoopy in color.
Aw.
Can you believe this guy, Helen? Hey Helen? Tim.
Yes, Helen? My wedding ring is creating a glare.
Can you hold it? This is the worst 17th Sunday in Ordinary Time ever.
One day out of rehab, and I Ooh Whoa.
Mmm, debugged and fresh as a daisy.
Cool.
They give you a bag of the bedbugs they killed.
Homer's oatmeal, meet your raisins.
Homer's Pie Man costume, Lisa's red dress, Lisa's red dress, Lisa's red dress, Sunday Best Bart Where is it? My wedding dress! Vodka? Is this Krusty's? A high-voltage monkey prod? It is Krusty's.
He must have my dress.
Let's go.
What's the hurry? I don't want a comedian knowing my dress size.
Wait a minute! This has oats in it! Ooh, a nose hair trimmer.
Yeah, I found a wedding dress in my dry cleaning.
We used it in a sketch.
Where's my mail-order bride? Ugh, how long was he in there? Don't worry, we cleaned up the crate real good.
What about my dress? Oh, gee, I'm afraid that dress is long gone.
I threw it out the window during my post-show hissy fit.
Some of us don't have dressing rooms.
- Wooden! - Plastic.
Wooden.
Plastic.
Why do we always argue over coffee stirrers? You know what's really stirring? Live, local theater.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, before I let a Holy Joe walk in this bar, I got to know which of the two true faiths you represent.
Well, I represent an easygoing offshoot of Protestantism.
That is the wrong thing to say to a snake handler.
Easy, Moe, easy.
Ah, this thing's just loaded with rock salt.
I use it to keep the raccoons out of my fridge.
And, of course, to coat the rims of my margarita glasses.
Uh, Padre, can I be honest with you? I've sucked every church book ribbon there is hoping to find one made of cherry.
But there isn't.
And if it's such a "good book," how come there's no blurbs on the back? Not even David Sedaris.
And he'll flack anything.
Seriously, "pews"? Homer, I love your passion.
It's terrific.
It's really something.
Listen, I'm just thinking.
Would you consider being my deacon? Deacon? Is that like one of those weird Catholic priest things? No, not at all.
It's like a sexton or a rector.
Oh, now we're talking.
But why me? Because, if I can get the man who sleeps through church to be my guy, this town will know that religion can be fun.
Well, I'm not one for taking new jobs on a whim.
But, as we say in the snow plow business, I'm your astronaut.
What do you think? I didn't think Shotgun Mike's Bridal Store had a nice dress, but you found it.
Homer, you're not supposed to see the dress before the wedding.
Just looking for the bathroom.
This is not the bathroom! Aw, but this paper towel feels so good.
I'm sorry your dress is gone, Mom.
Oh, sweetie, it's not for me.
I wanted you to wear that dress at your wedding.
Well, then, you shouldn't feel bad, because I can't imagine myself ever getting married.
Homer, your daughter doesn't want to get married.
That would save us several hundred bucks.
Tell her she's wrong! Right.
Uh, I don't understand, Lisa.
We let you get up early to watch the Royal Wedding.
Hey, I have a weakness for pomp.
Since when? So, you see, what Jesus is saying really can be explained by an episode of Californication.
Oh.
Now Reverend Lovejoy will lead us in song.
God lifts you up where you be God lifts you up where God lifts you up Um give me a minute.
Uh, but first, let me introduce our new deacon-- Homer Simpson! It's an honor, sir.
Homer Simpson a deacon? But why? You bring in the lost sheep, and the others will follow.
Lost sheep.
Yes! Sis boom bah! I don't think there's a place for me here anymore.
Heading for the door, pushing the handle.
Left foot across the threshold.
Now the right.
Walking to car.
Stepped in hole.
Twisted ankle.
Tremendous pain.
Keep it elevated.
Church bulletin? Church bulletin? Find out in whose loving memory this week's service is.
The answer may shock you.
Dad? You always hated church.
Now, for the record, I hated the building, the people in it and the spirit it represented.
I never hated the church itself.
And now, finally, I believe in something bigger than myself.
The only thing bigger than you is you tomorrow.
Why, you little lamb.
Oh.
Mustn't kill own son.
Only God can do that.
Day by day Day by day Oh Dear Lord Three things I pray To see thee more clearly Love thee more dearly Follow thee more nearly Day by day Day by day Day by day Church bulletin? Church bulletin? Church Someone finally took one.
I'm mentioned in it 'cause I'm sick.
Sorry, Maggie.
I just don't have the touch today.
Mom, I found your wedding dress.
How? Using something this town has never, ever seen-- good, honest police work.
I staked out the alley and befriended the garbage man who took it.
Then he gave it to a local theater company, who used it in the first unsuccessful version of Mamma Mia.
In a bankruptcy sale, it was bought by a young couple.
That couple right there.
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Oh.
Thank you for finding it, sweetie.
And seeing someone else get married in it is better than having it myself.
You never know, Mom.
I'm only eight.
I might get married someday, even if it's only a green card marriage to keep a Chinese dissident from being deported.
We can have the reception at Wong Lee's.
Day by day, day by day The deacon's job is pretty okay Pretty okay I'm going to be a deacon, day by day I'm already a deacon, day by day Dad, the Oogle street camera's driving around town today.
Want to go moon it with me? Son, I'd love to, but I'm a deacon now.
My butt's place is in my pants.
Church songs with clapping.
I don't think this is what Martin Presbyluther had in mind when he founded our religion by sticking his Three Suggestions under the Pope's windshield wiper.
Mr.
Flanders, this new reverend has thrown tar in your half-pipe, too? I don't understand that on any level, but yes.
Well, let's get Lovejoy back.
Do you know where he is? He's in a place full of brimstone and exposed flesh.
You mean he's selling hot tubs? Yes.
The 7500 is all about jets, jets, jets.
That's the one place you cannot cut corners.
That, of course, and underwater speakers.
That sounds expensive.
I need this, Apu.
Sir, can you please turn up the bubbles so we can argue in private here? We wouldn't have to do this if you remembered your Hindi.
Oh, I remember it.
I'm just pretending I can't understand you.
Reverend, we want you to come back.
Well, let's face it.
I wasn't cut out for that job.
Nobody listened.
Look, the boy's not even listening now.
He's right-- these underwater speakers are amazing.
Reverend, this is just the kind of tomfoolery that's been on the upswing since you left.
Pure, unadulterated tomfoolery! We shall take the 7500.
And not a single jet more! Sorry, Ned.
I finally found my calling.
How are you guys fixed for decking? Oh, what a surprise.
A huge new expense you didn't tell us about.
We've lost him.
Buddy, there's a 50 in my vest pocket.
Will you buy us some beers? The only cool thing about my dad was that he hated church.
And now he's turned into a fat version of Flanders.
No offense.
None taken.
God doesn't need Twitter to reach people.
He uses leprosy and plagues.
Hmm.
Plagues.
Ew, locusts.
Darkness.
Yawn.
Bingo! Flanders, are you willing to get Lovejoy back by hook or by crook? Neither, and I don't like it when other people rhyme.
Yes, but if I do something, will you look the other way? Hmm.
I'd like to turn in this boy for thinking about doing something naughty, and myself for waiting 30 seconds before bringing him here.
Whatever.
Take 'em away, boys.
And that's why Flanders will never, ever be my partner in crime again.
Thanks for bailing me out.
Yeah, but don't push it.
There's only so many times I can tell Nana it's my birthday.
Now, what's this prank? First, we got every dead bedbug in town.
To think those exterminators were just going to throw these beauties away.
Now, to leave a nice, clean trail of bugs out of the swamp.
The frogs follow, and Hooper's got a plague he can't handle.
Ugh! One of these bedbugs is still alive.
Much better.
Ow! He took my contact! Aah! Now I got two in one eye! Remember you said, "When hell freezes over?" I think this is close enough.
Huh.
I'm in no position to argue.
Help! Help! What should we do? We need guidance.
I have a plan.
Save your civic leaders.
Calm yourselves.
In times like this, there's one almighty being we can put our faith in-- Reverend Hooper.
It's okay, everyone.
Who here has seen The Blind Side with Sandy Bullock? Remember when Big Mike was overwhelmed with scholarship offers? Well, that's kind of how we are with these frogs.
To hell with your references.
We're dying here.
I'm more frog than Moe.
Ribbet.
Ribbet.
Do something.
Um, video games, uh, Twitter.
Uh, How to Train Your Dragon.
Fight Club.
Aah! The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
His words have soothed the amphibious beasts! His boringness saved us all.
Lovejoy! Lovejoy! Lovejoy! Where do you think you're going? Let us pray.
All right, we collected all the personal information from Flanders comma Ned.
Let's move on to the next house.
Hmm, that's weird.
Four spheres-- two small, two gigantic.
Better zoom in.
Compliments of the deacon.
Day by day, day by day I've got three kids And two are okay Two are okay One of them is the baby The smart one is mine maybe I hope the boy gets rabies Day by day by day Day by day Oh, I pray Day by day by day By day.
Shh!