The Simpsons s24e19 Episode Script

Whiskey Business

D'oh! Oh, boy.
Hmm, is that the radon detector? Mom's deleting old TV shows off the DVR.
What the?! Marge! You're deleting the 2009 Oscar Red Carpet! There were some awesome dresses! And quite a few disasters! Fine.
What would you get rid of? Well, I can't part with a single one of my Hoarders, hands off my episodes of Episodes, and if you delete Revenge Oh, fine.
I'll just get rid of these Itchy and Mitchys.
For every one of my cartoons that you erase, I rip up a family vacation photo.
And just so you know I mean business, here's an ear! All right.
At least I can delete these Westminster Dog Shows.
Fine.
I'm getting rid of this American Masters "Kitty Carlisle.
" It's not what you think! So I stayed up for the last 87 hours watching all my show Nothing's gonna delete these.
Guys, there's something I want to tell you.
Something important.
So who do you like, the Padres or the Tigers? I'm not talking about baseball.
I'm asking if a priest can beat a big cat in a death match in some kind of polygon.
Hexa or octa? Only one way to decide: arm wrestling.
Eh, who am I kidding? They don't care about me.
Suicide.
Finally.
I'm really doing it.
No more cries for help! 'Cause this time, there's no one that's gonna save me! I mean, it's not like I'm begging you, please, please show me some love! Yeah, it's nothing like that.
Eh, maybe I should call.
Give one of the new kids a chance to talk to the legend.
Hello, you have reached the Buzz Cola Suicide Hotline.
Our options have changed, so please listen carefully.
State the reason you are committing suicide.
Nothing to live for.
You said, "Business problems.
" Is that correct? No! I got nothing and no one! You said, "Face sucked off by vacuum cleaner.
" Is that correct? No! No! Help me! Help! If your face is in the vacuum cleaner bag, press "one.
" I just want to talk to a human being! Please hold for our next available life-extension agent.
Suicide is painless It brings on many changes And I can Oh, that tears it! No more delays! Hello? Hi, I'm looking for a Mr.
Ron, first name Moe.
Moe Ron? Moron.
It's you, you little puke.
I am gonna tie a rope around your neck and hang I'll show you who's a moron.
And that's why libraries use newspaper rods.
Whoa! I know CPR! I took a class where you do chest compressions to a Bee Gees song.
How deep is your love? How deep is your love? Are you sure it wasn't "Staying Alive?" Too on the nose.
I really need to learn 'Cause we're living in a world of fools Breaking us down When they all should let us be We belong to you and me I believe in yous.
You-you guys, you saved me! You do care! Now, wait a minute.
Got to make sure you're okay.
Who's the president now? Some jerk.
He's back! I really want to thank you all.
You gave me a new lease on life, and I'm gonna take this opportunity to What's the point? Same old stinking world.
Ah, this post-suicide afterglow gets shorter every time.
Homer Simpson! The woman I love! I sent you to the store to get applesauce for Maggie two hours ago! Well, uh, I was just leaving, but Moe had an accident! What kind of accident? I, uh, may have tried to end it all.
I wasn't even good at that.
Excuse me, will you? That poor man.
We've got to do something to change his life.
We could write on his face when he passes out.
Yeah, that's always good for a laugh.
No, no, it has to be something big that'll change his whole outlook.
Why don't we take Moe on a road trip? Aw, that, hey, that's really sweet.
Hey, can Noosey come, too? Moe, this trip is about turning your life around.
With the three desperate barflies that you see every day.
Maybe I should come, too.
Four guys, a chick and a noose.
Just like the movies I like to watch.
Grampa's in charge of you kids while we go to Capital City.
Ooh, you're a good eater today, Maggie.
Bart, you're in charge of Grampa.
There's a swinging town I know called Capital City Come on, Moe, stick your head out the sunroof.
You'll look like the richest dog in the world! Eh.
Lighten up, man.
The big city! Wow, look at all them countdown clocks.
Acres of rainforest left, deaths by lung cancer.
It's magical.
All I see is two million people happier than me.
Moe, I know things haven't been easy for you, but you're with people who love you in the most exciting of the twin cities.
Capital City has a twin? Moved to California to be a star, but it just turned into Glendale.
So what do you say, Moe? Will you give me a smile? Well, I'll try.
Maybe if I just tilt my head back here.
That a boy! And you'll feel better You'll feel better, you'll feel better Better than before You'll feel better, much better No, you won't get down anymore Okay, Moe, one more surprise.
Gentlemen's Whorehouse? Whoa, ho, ho! No, no, it's a Wearhouse.
We're all gonna chip in and get you a new suit.
A new suit?! Oh, ho, ho! I'll be the best-dressed john in the whorehouse! But, listen, are you guys sure you want to spring for something that expensive? Yes, 'cause every time you wear it, you'll know how much we love you.
Like the one pair of blue pants I bought Homer 20 years ago.
They're like a wedding ring; I can't take them off anymore.
Oh, Moe, this suit really brings out the herringbone in your eyes.
Hmm.
Nah, it's a 44 long.
I wear a 38 hunched.
Got anything for a man my size? Absolutely not.
Tent City is across the street.
Tent, eh? Hmm.
No husband of mine is wearing a tent.
No tents, no barrels, no kiddie pools.
Thank you, fashion police! Hey, not bad, not bad.
And look over there, Moe.
That's me? Hey, thank you, guys.
Thanks.
It's a brand-new day! Okay, final checklist.
Checklist ready? Check.
Mom and Dad still gone? Uh, check.
What about that snoopy girl reporter that's always hanging around? You mean my sister? She's your sister? The plot thickens.
Clueless little Lisa doesn't suspect a thing.
Whatever Bart's doing, it's got to be pretty bad for him to get me tickets to this amazing jam session.
All the greats are here: Jellyroll Jones, Boston Cream Basie, Birthmark Billy Jackson, Grabass Walker, the Fatneck Sisters and Bleeding Gums Murphy? I got this bratty brother He bugs me every day No, that impossible.
He's dead.
I lay a saxophone reed at his grave every year.
Lights and magic, Lisa.
You don't need anything else.
But I took a bunch of stuff anyway.
Well, maybe if it's in good taste.
Aw, come on.
Five seconds to slip-off.
And four, three Boy, what are you doing up here?! Also, what am I doing up here? Bart, you said your grandfather wouldn't bother us.
I gave him a caramel.
He should have been chewing for hours.
I couldn't unwrap it! I got you, Grampa! Hold, bolo, hold! I don't want to die! I want to still be a burden! Please be okay.
How deep is your love? How deep is your love? Boy? Yes, Grampa?! Kiss my forehead.
Man, I must real love him.
I'm not gonna die today.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Let's get all our grandfathers and chuck them down this thing.
All right! All right! Why am I in the basement? Shouldn't I see a medico? If the Wilsons' calf is birthed, Doc Miller should be available.
Thank God your mental powers haven't deteriorated.
Well, why the hell am I down here?! I was supposed to be in charge of you.
I can't let Mom and Dad know what I did.
But I promise I'll take good care of you until you're well again.
No deal! I'm getting out of here.
Ooh, wow.
My tailbone! And it was my last good bone.
There, there, you'll be fine.
I'll take care of everything you need.
I want a foot rub.
Yes, but do you need one? Nobody needs one! Now start rubbing! Rub harder! Sorry, pal.
"Sorry, pal"? Hey, that's common courtesy.
The kind I've only seen in movies.
This suit is amazing! Eh, this dump is too filthy for a man with a positive worldview.
I'm gonna start cleaning.
Dirt.
Carpet.
Another layer of dirt.
Congoleum.
Hardwood! The perfect floor for doing a happy jig.
And now to light up the sign and let the world know that the new, improved Moe's is open for business.
Hmm.
Wow, non-losers? Huh, I never thought I'd see the day.
Gentlemen, what can I get you? We'll take anything you've got aged 15 years or more.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Well, actually, I do have this bourbon that I brewed myself.
It'll either be the best thing you ever had or the last thing you'll ever have.
Mmm.
Huh.
Wow! Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Moe, we're venture capitalists.
We turn dreams into money that mostly goes to us, but you get a little.
Tell me more! How many bottles of this Kentucky Kool-Aid do you have? Just the one, but I could whip up two or 300,000 more.
Moe, you got a great product, a fantastic suit, and we're gonna give you everything you need.
Startup money, branding specialists.
Corporate jets, private drivers.
If your feet touch the ground, we've failed.
This is all so sudden.
Now it's not.
I'm in! Only one more thing we need to do.
Check this out with our focus group.
So, what do we think? Be honest, now.
I love it! I've made a lot of mistakes, but liking this ain't one of them.
Every time I call Grampa's phone, I get no answer.
Uh, he told me he was gonna nap most of the week.
Oh! Oh, good.
Well, he needs his sleep.
Time for your meds! Come on, blue! Come on, pink! Come on, come on, come on! Take it, take it, there you go, yes! After a pulse-pounding race, hypertension pills win again.
Call me crazy, but I can't stop betting on dementia.
Now, what say we turn the hot water on and off while your father's taking a shower? Oh! Hot, oh! Cold, oh! Thank God I'm not in the shower! Hmm.
Grampa, we've been spending so much time together, I almost feel like you're part of the family.
Aw.
And I've been wondering.
Not like I miss having my afternoons free or anything, but are you starting to feel better? Absolutely not! My crotch is crotchety, sitting down makes me uppity, and you call these cups pleated?! Okay, okay, just checking.
"Dear She-Done-Left-Me Records, "Once again, I write protesting your holographic exploitation "of blues icon Bleeding Gums Murphy.
"I call for a boycott and girl-cott of your entire catalogue until you" Sonny Rollins? That's right, Lisa.
And I'm here to beg you to stop writing those letters.
You're siding with record companies? This isn't about money, Lisa.
From Tupac Shakur to Dwight Eisenhower, holograms have introduced some of our leading dead people to a new audience of people with money.
Resetting, resetting.
From Tupac Shakur to Dwight Eisenhower You're a hologram, aren't you? No.
Resetting, resetting.
Have you no shame?! Does this answer your question? My name is Princess Di And I'm here to say When I watch a DVD, it's got to be Blu-ray.
Take it, Gandhi! First Bank of Springfield-- say "Mumbai" to high checking fees! Hey, thanks, guys.
I ain't never been to no fancy rooftop party before.
No beer? That's a pretty big screwup.
Moe, we got a special surprise.
You like chicks with nose clips? Then you're really gonna be happy.
Bring it, girls.
Hey, that is the most accurate picture of my face made of girl-parts that I have ever seen.
And it's not decadent 'cause you can ask interns to do anything.
Thanks.
Thank you so much, Ken and Glen.
Ah, you're welcome.
Anything to celebrate your I.
P.
O.
tomorrow.
You know what that is, right? Um Moe, we love your whiskey, we love your backstory, and we love that suit that hangs off you like silk on a skeleton.
So, starting tomorrow, we're gonna sell shares in your company to the public.
All you do is show up at the stock exchange, ring the bell, and you'll leave a rich man.
We'll see you tomorrow.
Enjoy your last night as a Democrat.
Dang it, my suit's stuck in the door.
No, no, no! This building's got 98 floors! And I'm going down to P-6! P-6! Moe? What are you doing? Midge, uh, the suit got a little mussed up.
I-I got to ask you, is it noticeable? Thank God the kids aren't here.
I was.
Aw, without my magic suit, I'm nothing.
The suit wasn't magic, Moe.
Don't you know the story of Dumbo the elephant? I didn't go to movies as a kid.
Spent all my time at the pierogi factory.
Dab the potato, fold the dough.
That was my Star Wars.
Well, Dumbo had a magic feather.
He thought he needed it to fly, but it turned out the magic was in him the whole time.
So you're saying Moe is Dumbo, his bourbon is the giant ears, and we're that flock of racist crows? The crows weren't racist, the people who drew them were.
Okay, I get it, I get it.
It wasn't the suit that made the bourbon, it was me.
And I can do anything.
Don't stand up! Except stand up.
Grampa, I made your favorite dinner: teething biscuits soaked in buttermilk.
Oh! Oh! The pain! You're completely fine! I've been taking care of you, giving you love and attention for nothing! All right, boy, I admit it.
I've been faking being hurt, just like I fake liking those terrible homemade Christmas gifts you give.
But Mom said it was a gift made with love.
Did she? No.
Even she thought it was crap.
But what you did wasn't for nothing.
It was the best two weeks of this final horrible part of my life.
Well, you are the first thing I took care of that didn't die.
Oh, I hear that a lot.
Hey-ya, guys.
Security, there's a homeless monster up here! Hey-hey-hey, I'm your partner, Moe.
N-Now, let's go make us a fortune, huh? Look! It's Quasimodo without the pathos! People, please, please.
My name is Moe Szyslak of Makers Moe Bourbon, ticker symbol: M-O-E.
I'm the CEO, and I promise that I will hand-brew every bottle with these very hands, huh? I-I'll supervise production, I'll manage marketing.
My face is gonna be on every bottle! And we will only use the finest ingredients made in America.
Glad you're back, Moe.
At least I don't have to train the new bartender to make what I like-- beer to the top.
Not today, old friend.
But don't worry, holidays are just around the corner.
Shh!