The Simpsons s24e21 Episode Script

The Saga Of Carl

D'oh! It's been a brilliant night of women's tennis with Petrevkova narrowly edging Mashakova.
We take you now to doubles action between Pavlyuchenkeka-Vilnikova and Strakova-Mishtnupetrateva.
To me, it's legs versus boobs.
What the? Change the channel? But I'm watching soft-core tennis.
Ki-Ya Karate Monsters! What the hell is that? It's our favorite show.
Mom said we could watch it.
Did she really say that? Are you gonna walk upstairs and ask her? No.
From a Shaolin monastery in darkest Transylvania come helpful hell-spawn.
With homicidal honor, they rampage for peace.
Ki-Ya! Ki-Ya! Ki-Ya! You like this now? What about Planet Jackson and the Earth Brigade? Dad, we don't watch that show anymore.
It's for babies.
Planet power! Kung Fu Werewolf chop! Blob Jitsu kick! Stop it.
No Karate Monsters at the dinner table.
It's Ki-Ya Karate Monsters.
Samurai shampoo blast! Ninja throwing soap! No Karate Monsters in the bathtub.
Ki-Ya Karate Monsters.
- Happy birthday, Dad.
- Happy birthday, Grampa.
Did this really happen? Pill attack! Actual sword attack! I've had it.
No more Karate Monsters.
Ki-Ya Ki-Ya That's it.
Tomorrow, we're doing something educational.
We're going to the science museum.
Damn it.
Finally, actual science.
You did it, baby.
You promised no fun, and you delivered.
Ah, hello there.
I am Blaise Pascal, inventor of the probability theory.
What are the odds of meeting you here? Excellent, I would say.
My friend Silly Squirrel is about to buy a lottery ticket.
Silly Squirrel, do you know the probability of winning the lottery? I don't know.
Why, you are more likely to be run over by a car.
Or be hit by lightning.
Or murdered by an acquaintance.
If you understood probability, you would never play the lottery.
Guys, this science exhibit told me how stupid it is to play the lottery.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
So you didn't buy our weekly ticket? Are you nuts? You can't win if you don't play.
Hey, it's time.
Turn it on, turn it on! Four lucky numbers for four best friends.
Yeah, I always go with three, the number of brothers and sisters I, uh, Hunger Games-ed in the womb.
best year of my life, 1996.
My number's 22.
No reason.
Just 22.
And I'm 69.
Because people always laugh when you say "69.
" No one knows why.
And the winning numbers are three, 19, Oh, my gosh.
We won.
We won the Springfield Lottery.
That's 200 grand.
That's 50,000 bucks each! Guys, guys, we got to celebrate, throw a raging party! I'll cash the ticket.
Homer, Homer, you get the food.
I'll get mini Dumpsters of wings from Garbage Wings.
And, Lenny, you get the drinks.
But we're already at a bar.
Oh, no.
That's just gasoline and hot dog water.
Who cares? We got the money.
I'm so happy.
I'm so happy.
To the best feeling in the world money.
Guys, I got big plans for these winnings.
I'm going to build a swimming pool.
In-ground? So freaking far in the ground, baby.
What about you, Carl? What are you gonna do with your share of the money? Oh, uh, I guess Carl ain't back yet from cashing in the ticket.
I'm sure he just got held up in traffic.
Yeah, that's probably what happened.
I wonder what's keeping Carl.
I hope our friend wasn't in an accident.
I'm glad we're the kind of people who are worried about Carl's safety instead of thinking that he ripped us off.
I wasn't thinking that.
Carl's our good friend.
Our good friend.
Yeah, good old Carl.
Good old Carl's phone went straight to voice mail.
Again.
The power of friendship is so amazing, I don't feel at all suspicious of Carl.
Drive faster because of the power of friendship.
Carl's gone.
Our money's gone.
We've been betrayed.
By good old Carl! Guys, I think we might need a new song.
Four best friends Who never quarrel Homer Simpson, Lenny, Moe and And And no one.
All our lottery money, gone! If I ever see that Carl again, I'm gonna freeze him, chop him up into ice cubes and scoop him into the urinal trough at the Gathering of the Juggalos! Guys, give Carl a chance.
I'm sure he's gonna come back.
I don't think so.
His travel neck pillow's gone from its pedestal.
Fellas, he ain't coming back.
You don't know that.
I'm gonna keep looking till we figure out what really happened.
See, I bet he flew to Quebec to bring us back authentic French-Canadian sugar pie.
I can taste it already.
Mmm.
Thanks for the sugar pie, Carl.
Hey, what's this? "I've gone home.
Good-bye forever, Carl Carlson.
" Where'd you go, Carl? Had plans for that money, too.
I was gonna be one of those guys who's really into hot sauce, you know? Hot sauce suspenders, hot sauce pajamas.
Bolo tie with a little chili pepper on it.
I still can't believe it was Carl who took your winnings.
I thought it would've been you.
Or you.
Or you.
I know.
Me, too.
It's the ultimate screw-over.
Maybe he had a good reason to give you the ultimate screw-over.
He said he went home, and his passport is gone.
What country is he from? Uh Uh I don't know.
You don't know where Carl is from? Come on, you know how dudes are.
We don't go digging into the past.
We talk about guy stuff.
Like baseball and trucks and when guys lift too much weight and their bungus drops out.
You know, guy stuff.
Maybe if you'd talked less about guy stuff, you'd know more about your so-called friend.
Well, it don't matter no more, Midge.
Carl is gone, and we're already auditioning replacements.
This could not be more offensive.
Man! Oh, of course.
Ugh! Hmm.
Hey, hey, get that out of here! I don't ever want to see that moolah-stealing jackpot thief again! Wait a minute.
Something's reflected in the lenses of Carl's sunglasses.
I just need to get closer.
He's looking at a geyser.
And there's a sign in front of it! Oh It's too small to read.
Oh, it's backwards.
Try this.
"Strokkur Geysir.
" Hmm.
The geyser is one of the most famous natural wonders in Iceland.
I guess that's where Carl's from.
Ice-land? Is that even a real place? I thought it was Superman's Superman cave.
Iceland keeps the most detailed family records of any country in the world.
There! Carl was adopted by a couple who lives outside Reykjavik.
Well, if that's Carl's home, then that's where our money is! And that's where we're going.
We got to pack.
I guess I'm only bringing one guitar on this revenge trip.
You're going so far away.
I'll miss you.
Baby, I'm going for us.
That money is going to dig us a swimming pool that'll take our broken family and make it whole.
We're not broken.
We're broken.
We're pretty broken.
How am I going to sleep if someone isn't pushing me all the way to the very edge of the bed? I've already taken care of that.
Oh Oh, that's perfect.
I can't wait to see the smile on Carl's face when we surprise him.
I call first hug.
Hey, Lenny, when are you gonna wise up? Carl never wants to see us again.
I'm done talking to you! This is funny.
It says here Iceland is green, and Greenland is icy.
The Vikings switched the names to trick everybody.
It's funny.
That's pretty good.
Great gag! Hey, Vikings, it's still pretty damn cold! I only packed shorts.
Excuse me, uh, we're looking for our friend.
He's, uh he's about so tall, uh, wears a jacket, he's, um, got no visible tattoos Just say he's black, Moe.
You say he's black! His name is Carl Carlson.
Carl Carlson! His family has been hated for 1,000 years.
How do you know about Carl's family? Our country is very small, very judgmental and very nosy.
Ingimar Ogmundsson, how progresses your gonorrhea? It heals, but slowly.
Why does everybody hate Carl's family? Here's why.
This saga tells of how Carl Carlson's family were the watchmen of the coast, always keeping an eye out for invading hordes.
Iceland's safety depended on their vigilance.
But the Carlsons failed in their duty.
The enemy invaded, laying waste to our lava fields, burning our sweaters and feasting upon our tiny horses.
Apparently, screwing over your friends is in Carl's blood-- his adopted blood.
All right, this is it, Carl's family home.
Twenty-two Ooh, phew, oh, that's a lot of letters.
So that's why 22 was Carl's lottery number.
Yeah, and that's why his sweatpants say "Hjorleifsstrati" across the butt.
The gates are locked.
Well, then we'll just have to wait for him to come out.
Oh, man, stakeouts are so boring.
I wish I had something to look at.
Well, I guess I'll just read the car rental contract again.
Damage waiver, check.
Return with full tank of gas, check.
All drivers must be over the age of 25 and check.
Love you, Mom.
See you, Dad.
It's Carl! Wake up, wake up! Huh? Huh? Ah, damn it, we lost him! There he is.
And he's got our money! It's no use.
We're perfectly matched.
We did it! Give us some answers, or you'll get a mouthful of rotten shark fermented in its own urine.
No, no, anything but the inedible, repulsive food of my native land.
Yeah, Carl, tell them the good reason you had for borrowing the money.
Look, I admit it.
I gave you the ultimate screw-over.
But I did it to clear my family's name.
Everyone blames the barbarian invasion on my ancestors.
But that saga had a missing page.
Oh, yeah a page was torn out.
My family's always believed that we fought bravely against the invaders, and the missing page will prove it.
I took the lottery money to buy that page and restore my family's honor.
Why didn't you just tell us? We're your friends.
I didn't tell you because we're not friends.
Friends share their feelings, their hopes, their dreams.
Friends know their friends are from Iceland! We are just guys who sit next to each other at a bar and talk about ugh guy stuff.
So all those years of hanging out meant nothing? Not to me.
Sorry, Lenny.
That's all right.
Now we know.
It's all out in the open.
I guess it kind of makes it easier now for me to to kill Carl! When the nice ones snap, it's always a good show.
Ow, my eye! My eye! My eye! My eye! Hey, hey, hey, Lenny, forget him, forget him! Look, we still got the money.
- What the? - Wha? What the hell is this? That's the missing page from the saga.
That's what I spent our lottery money on.
Then this belongs to us.
Please, give it back! Please! It'll restore my family's honor! Maybe we'd give it back to our friend, but we're not friends, remember? Sorry, Carl.
It's World War II all over again.
America kicks Iceland's ass.
No! Guys, do you think Carl was right? What if we're not real friends? Maybe we are just lonely guys who do guy stuff.
Hi, Homie! Did you get the money? The kids have been stocking up on pool noodles.
Put the noodles in the shed.
There isn't gonna be a swimming pool.
Hmm? Carl spent all our money on this stupid page from a stupid saga.
I say we make it into saga soup and have ourselves a soup sip.
That'll show Carl for de-friending us in real life! I know Carl did you wrong, but is destroying something he cares that much about really going to make you feel good? Well, we won't know that till after.
Just read the saga and see what it says.
But how can we learn to read ancient Icelandic? With these.
Yeah, my doctor says it's better for me not to sleep.
Thorn? Yes! Forvitinn.
I can't do this, I can't do this! You can't not do it! Okay, let's see what this thing says.
"When the barbarian invaders came, the Carlsons met them with their weapons ready" Wow, Carl's family really was brave.
"weapons which they immediately "threw down in surrender.
"The Carlsons then let the barbarians in the back gate "and joined in the sacking, the looting "and the volcano-ing of the village elders.
"The Carlsons then wrote down this saga so no one would ever forget their treachery and cowardice.
" Carl's family was even worse than people thought.
They were the original ultimate scumbags.
Carl betrayed his friends, blew the lottery money all for nothing.
Hey, guys I think I feel bad for Carl.
Attention, everyone in Iceland.
We have an important announcement.
Take a break from your dreary lives to hear Americans lecture you.
Ah! Ah! Eh! Is this everyone? No.
Yes.
I've learned something about the people of Iceland.
You have endured barbarian invasions, total financial collapse and a lesbian prime minister.
You've managed to survive on a craphole island that looks like the moon and smells like rotten eggs.
And to do that, you have to be stubborn.
But I ask you to put aside your stubbornness while I tell you about Carl Carlson.
Shame on Carl's family! The blood of 1,000 tiny horses is on their hands.
Doesn't matter what happened for Carl Carlson's honor has been redeemed by the deeds of Carl Carlson.
Carl Carlson who helped me move, even though I moved the week before.
Yeah, and when we were painting my house, Carl Carlson brought that blue tape, you know, that makes you really look like you know what you're doing.
You peel it off, and you got that super straight line there.
And when he brings a six-pack to my house, he doesn't take the extras home with him.
Carl Carlson leaves them in the fridge.
Carl Carlson is our friend, even if he doesn't believe it.
If we can forgive Carl for stealing our lottery winnings, maybe youse can find it in youse's hearts to forgive his ancestors.
The many small kindnesses of Carl Carlson have redeemed his family forever.
Mom, Dad, our family can show our face in public for the first time in 1,000 years.
Ai.
Ai.
How can you say these men are not your true friends? I I can't! I can't! Ai.
Guys, thanks for teaching me the true meaning of male friendship.
The stuff that comes from in here that is guy stuff.
We don't get together to share our emotions.
We get together to escape them.
Yeah, I'd tell you guys I love you, but, uh, I don't want to say it, and you don't want to hear it.
To nothing! Okay, everyone, get ready to see your brand-new Oh, oh! What is it, what is it, what is it? keg-pools! Yay! Yay! Hey! Aah! Fine.
I'm going home.
Shh!