The Simpsons s24e22 Episode Script

Dangers On A Train

Whoa! Hmm? Our first anniversary.
And we're more in love than ever.
In your face, people who said it wouldn't last a year! I stand by my wedding toast.
Let's just enjoy our happiness, Homie.
Accidental motherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to a woman.
And I think Bart's finally outgrown his misbehavior.
Oops, better clean that off.
You have a great day, ma'am.
Wish I could get a little of that attention.
D'oh! Hey, Simpsons.
Don't mean to be a pesto, but I'll be happy to watch your scampi shrimp.
Aw, thanks, Flanders.
Got to warn you, he doesn't talk much.
Daddy.
He's not your daddy.
Nice daddy.
Moustache daddy.
Good daddy no yell.
Fat daddy smell like beer.
I'll teach you to speak in complete sentences.
But first, m'lady, let me escort you to Heaven.
The fancy Swiss chocolate store on level three.
Oh Oh, Homer, you're the anchor store of my heart.
Just call me Borders Books, 'cause I'll always be here.
Haw haw! His first word.
Oh, Homie, what a wonderful anniversary.
Yep, we've got something money can't buy.
Love on a train.
And I promise each anniversary will be better and better.
Oh.
They have to get off and get back on.
Sometimes you have to say to hell with rules.
But somehow our anniversaries didn't get better than that first one on the train.
Wait, you named me after a train? Yeah, just like we did with Bart.
Anyway, this year, I'm gonna re-create our magical first anniversary, ending with a romantic ride on that Why are you taking away the train? I'm afraid no one rides it anymore So we're replacing it with something that makes money and sends people to the food court.
Step right up.
Medical marijuana.
You got nausea, my friend? Everyone's got nausea.
And what is your malady, my son? Uh, I had one, but I forgot it.
Memory loss! Could be a brain tumor.
Take this and go see Fantasia.
Kids, I've only had three great ideas-- marrying your mother, using a hot dog as a straw and this romantic train ride anniversary.
Sir, I need this train.
Eh, take it home.
It's yours.
Are you sure Mom is really gonna want a rusted-out kiddie train? She won't see it like this.
I'll make this train look as beautiful as it did when this mall was young.
Aw, Dad, I just got a little twinge in my heart.
Try this.
You stay away from my kids unless you're driving them to school! So, I'm not babysitting tomorrow night? Oh, we're still on for tomorrow night.
Dad, do we have to ride like this? Hey, what could be cooler than a choo-choo with lollipops on it? Hey, babies-- where you going in your baby train? Babytown? Shake it off, kids-- they're just jealous.
Hey, lardo, where you going in your lardo car? Lardville? There's no such place! Okay.
I've entered my billing address, expiration date and charged.
We're back from "Baby Beethovens.
" That's Mozart, dummy.
Well, thanks for watching Maggie.
I just ordered Homer's anniversary gift.
Must be tough.
Yeah, what size cuff links do you get an elephant? Well, in the first place, the elephant's cuff links would be the same size.
It's the cuffs that would be bigger.
As for Homer, I'm getting him a case of his favorite snack cakes, Dolly Madison.
Marge, this isn't Dolly Madison.
It's Sassy Madison.
Trust me, Homer doesn't care where the cupcakes come from.
Sassy Madison is a dating site for married people who are tired of the same old dessert.
Check out their webvertisement.
Kelly was at the end of her wits Her husband was truly the pits Her relationship spousal Had zero arousal Then she watched this commercial And found herself Herschel Thanks to Sassy Madison.
com.
Sassy Madison.
com.
It's not cheating if you don't know the person well.
I just put all my personal information on their Web site.
So now you're gonna get hit on by every loser in town.
And this town's got losers like Mexico has headless corpses.
So many unhappy men.
How sad.
You've got a lot of fish wriggling in that net.
Maybe I should get married so I can date these guys.
Selma, cheating is a sin.
As much a sin as not replying to an instant message.
So, if you'll excuse me, I've got a lot of sleazy gentlemen to let down gently.
Are you watching the commercial again? I'm a fan of animation.
Oh, Lord, may thy couplings stay forever locked, and may thy dead man switch never be used.
Amen.
All right, guys, let's get this train fixed up for Homer's anniversary.
But first, start your power tools.
One more to go, and I'm done.
"Dear Horny in Haverbrook: "Sorry.
I'm not interested "in cheating on my wonderful husband, "who is described in the attached PDF.
"Say hello to my trash folder.
Marge Simpson.
" Hi, Homie! A crazy thing happened when I was ordering your anniversary gift.
Don't blow the surprise.
Pretend you forgot.
Uh, anniversary? That coming up? Yes, and it's a big one.
Remember? Marge, I am focused on this like a laser.
"Laser.
" That's a funny word.
It's just "loser" with an "A.
" And speaking of losers, I lost my train of thought.
Oh, and speaking of trains, wait till you see The surprise is safe.
The expression on her face will be priceless.
He forgot our anniversary again? He remembers the exact number of pork chops in the freezer.
Currently-- zero.
One of those cyber smoochers wrote me back.
Thanks for your note.
You seem way too nice for this site.
Why are you here? Good question.
"I thought I was buying snack cakes.
" That's so cute.
Really, really cute.
You you are over 18, right? "I am, and you seem more interested in my day than my husband.
" I know what it's like not to be listened to.
Please ignore every sensible instinct you have and continue this conversation.
And by the way, this is my real voice.
Don't worry, Moe.
When Marge is asleep, I'll sneak back.
Oh, good, the strippers are here.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! That is all coming off.
"Tell me more.
" Homie, I bet you're wondering why I stayed on the computer until 4:00 a.
m.
Hey, those Yelp reviews don't write themselves.
Did you know a well-placed one star can destroy a mom-and-pop hardware in nothing flat? Listen, I want us to be honest with each other.
Uh-oh.
If you're honest, you'll have to tell her about the train.
Huh? What train? How stupid are you? Hey, thinking is your department, jerk.
That's what I pay you in beer for.
Just for that, I'm not gonna help you.
What? Where are you going, you? Oh! Um, Marge, I have to go.
What? Now? Why? He's writing me again.
Better put a stop to this.
Is that him getting the text? He's in the market.
We might have squeezed the same tomatoes.
Are you Marge? Ooh, I'm going to hell.
I'm sorry.
I didn't even know you were here.
What a crazy coincidence that you buy food, too.
Gee, I thought you'd be some kind of creep.
But you're actually a perfectly normal-looking Whoa! "A" is for "apple," right? Okay.
I'll-I'll just be going.
Wait, wait, wait! Let me get the stain out.
But not here.
I know a place where no one in town will see us.
There you go.
Good as new.
Now, let me at least buy you a coffee, or dare I say a Danish? No Danishes! Sorry.
I go to pastry way too fast.
I want to be very clear.
I'm a happily married woman.
Going on ten years.
The aluminum anniversary.
Nothing turns leftovers into swans like aluminum.
What the heck am I saying? Homer's probably at that bar right now, getting hammered.
All worth it for Marge.
Marge, you are terrific.
I am so glad I reset my distance filter from 15 to 25 miles.
Mmm Your Homer is the luckiest man on earth.
Well, he keeps falling down a cliff and living, so I guess that's true.
The only time my wife and I talk is when I apologize.
"Life's an infernal muddle," as Mr.
Drake says on Upton Rectory.
Ooh, I love that show.
Isn't it great? Finally, a reason to watch TV on Sundays.
Such great characters, like Buxton, the scheming larder-keep.
Why can't Lady Cavendish see he's pilfering the aspic? Uh, does does Homer watch? He says shows set during World War I are too sad.
Particularly how everyone's always climbing stairs.
You are watching the season finale this week, right? Yeah.
Alone, I'm sure.
Well, we could, uh live blog it.
Save that sugar for your coffee, bub.
I've been working on the railroad Why are you singing that? Because it's in the public domain.
Hello! It's Moe from Moe's Tavern.
Oh, uh, I'd better take this.
You see, Moe's been depressed and needs to hear a friendly voice.
Why the hell are you calling me at home, you moron?! Lovejoy went to get a hamburger, and the whole thing fell apart! I'm getting cooked like a cabbage.
Then keep quiet like a cabbage! All right, all right, I'll be right there.
Is it me, or did this house just get classy? Mom, Lisa made me break a lamp.
Mom, Bart's twisting facts in an Orwellian fashion.
Can I have one hour of grown-up time where you two aren't tattling on each other or using obscure references? Orwell, obscure? The author of Animal Farm? Grampa says he was a Commie.
No tattling! Upton Rectory is made possible by a sizeable endowment from Hooters Restaurants, and a generous grant from a man named Generous Grant.
Are you watching it? No, I can't.
My wife's watching a reality show about a man who repossesses zoo animals.
Come on, Taser that flamingo! Can't believe I'm missing the finale.
Hmm Maybe I can help.
Bless it all, Polly, I love you! And we shall be wed by Boxing Day Eve, aka Christmas.
But Lord Upton has forbidden it, on the grounds that he once saw me exchange pleasantries with the Egyptian riding master.
Can you follow everything okay? I guess sometimes you just don't end up with the person you're supposed to.
Marge, can I use your free Amazon shipping? Not a good time! I know your password! Drake, Polly, perhaps I was too hasty.
Love should flower, even an ill-advised alliance between a coarse Irish maid and a man who once served me soup from the wrong side.
He hasn't been the same since the war, Lord Upton.
Hush, Polly.
Who you marry is none of your concern.
I have something to say.
The dowager grandmum! I'm afraid you cannot marry without a proper ring.
Take mine-- the Star of Bombay.
Once again, India is denuded of her treasure by the imperialist devils.
Why do we watch this show? Because I like the costumes! I've never felt so flushed after watching public television.
Maybe sometime we could watch it in the same room.
Chat room? Room room.
Show's over! That turned ultra-steamy in a jiff.
I can still hear you.
I can still hear you.
Happy anniversary, Mom! Happy anniversary, Mom! Our gift is us! Three kids with no money, but plenty of love! That's great.
I wonder what surprise your father has in store.
Boy, oh, boy! Oh, Marge, I threw my back out! Can you please refill this prescription right away? Where's it from? It's in Drugtown not the nice part.
That'll take hours! On our anniversary! And what better way to spend it than commemorating the glorious words you spoke ten years ago: "for worse.
" Oh! Oh! Ow! Ooh! Hmm.
It's working.
She's gone.
All right, everyone, magically appear.
Wow, Moe, great shrub costume.
Yeah.
I sell 'em on the Internet for like-minded people.
Now, let's lay some track.
You guys are the best.
I just want you to know when I'm holding Marge in my arms tonight, I'll be thinking of all of you.
When does it get better? When he's 800 pounds and has to be cut out of the house to go to a movie? I lost my cleaning stick in my belly fat.
But I found a kitten.
That is so sweet.
There I go again, settling.
Marge, run off with me.
Bring your kid.
I have three kids.
Whoa, you really went all in with this guy, didn't you? Get out of my head.
I guess this is good-bye, then.
Someday When I'm awfully low When the world is cold I said no! Fine.
Sorry.
Just thinking of you, Marge And the way you look tonight.
The Nelson Riddle Orchestra! Leave me alone! Fine.
Sorry, guys, you're dead again.
I'm gonna do what I've done at every key point of my life: suck it in and smile.
There goes a woman who's unhappy with her partner.
Yeah, I know how she feels.
Yeah.
What was that? What the? Happy anniversary! Oh, my God.
Our train.
Homie, you do care.
You care a lot.
What a wonderful anniversary.
Do you think we'll last 25 years? Nothing should.
Trains they can fix every marriage.
What the? Ugh.
Happy moment derailed by the Bipolar Express.
None of you heard that.
Happy anniversary! Where is she? Where the hell is Marge Simpson? Ramona, please! When you asked me who she was and where she lived, I never dreamed you'd go confront her! Mmm, I'm Marge Simpson.
So you're the kind of man-eater Hall and Oates warned us all about.
Hall and Oates? What's going on here? Your wife and my husband have been watching British TV together! Costume drama or naughty comedy? Drama! Drama! You just dodged a bullet, Mr.
Sugarpants.
Ben, Ramona, I want to tell you something I've learned over ten years of marriage.
The secret is: no secrets, except good secrets like this train.
My only secrets are: My marathon time isn't 4:26; it's never, I often go online to see how Lindsay Wagner's looking now-- fabulous-- and I once pushed a kid off a swing and he broke his wrist or something.
But it's no secret how much I love my Margie.
Mmm Mmm Look at them, coochie-cooing like that time our connecting flight was delayed and we got drunk and friendly in the Admiral's Club.
That was you? I mean, it-it was wonderful.
And you're fighting for me.
Maybe that means you still care.
Of course I do.
Now, let's go home and spend a romantic night looking through your computer's browsing history.
That exists? Oh, boy.
Honey, just what was going on with you and that guy? Well I was trying to buy you snack cakes Oh, baby, that's all I needed to hear.
How did we get here? Marge was feeling lonely and bored Every night she was ignored But when Marge went boo-hoo I was building a choo-choo And love conquered all With a train from the mall So that very same night Ben went back on the site And he lined up a date with SelmaóBó88 She said that she's smokin' And I wasn't jokin' Find love on the net You deserve what you get Three awesome kids and a life of regret And now it's time for Grampa's song! Down by the old Not the new, but the old Mill stream Not the river, but the stream.
Where I first Not the second or the Shh!