The Simpsons s25e01 Episode Script

Homerland

(pilot screams) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (tires screech) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (Bart chuckles) (grunts, groans) America faces an ominous new threat-- terrorism.
We must be vigilant, secure every home, every church, every Kwik-E-Mart and presidential library.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: I grew up in a little town in Arkansas, whose name, ironically, was Terrorism.
(loud explosion) (explosion, television static) Ooh, there's new marshmallows in the Belfast Charms! No! No, that's Bart's cereal.
It's the only way I can get him to take his "vitamins.
" (sighs) Eat up.
The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side.
That's not right.
Yes, it is.
They're my lines as the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.
Okay, I'm ready for the Nuclear Workers Convention.
It's a little sad-- the guys who did the funny skit last year, well, they're all very sick.
Did you pack everything you need? Even better.
I never unpacked from the time we went to Hawaii.
Whoo! My lava's almost cooled! (sizzling) (thump) I'm still cold.
Oh, a whole weekend away from my family.
I can't believe I have to miss taking the kids to buy gym uniforms.
Send me a picture? Poor guy.
Salt of the earth.
ALL (chanting): Convention! Convention! Convention! Convention! Convention! STEWARDESS: Oxygen masks on.
Convention! Convention! (air horn blasting, siren blasting) Man I love conventions.
Yeah, they’re the perfect combination of work and binge drinking.
Now look guys, we are here for one important reason.
To get free swag.
Swag, I'm gonna grab forever.
Somethin' I really don't need.
Swag! I'm gonna have And I don't even have 40 keys.
Swag! Interested in learning a procedure that could save your life? More free stuff More free stuff Uh, all I have are these spec sheets.
More free stuff, more free stuff ALL: Swag! (grunt, thud) (gasps) There's that woman I always have a "same time next year" affair with.
And she's with her frumpy friend I always have dinner with when you two disappear.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
(slurps) Put up your nukes! (chuckles) Halpern! Hey-hey! The wild man of Wichita! I still haven't forgiven you for putting that dead goat in my bed.
He wasn't dead till you rolled over on him! Ha! (laughing): Oh, yeah.
Take that.
In your face, boy.
Ow! Ow! Hey! (angry grunting) I'll kill you! You son of a! (deep panting) Oh, come here, you.
Oh Ah, yeah.
It could be, if we introduce, Sherman from I.
T To my good friend spike.
Halpern, what will you think of next? Nothing.
This is it.
(slurring): Hey, here's a brainstorm for you.
Check if it's plugged in before you call I.
T.
! You think I like talking you monkeys through a password change?! (grunts) (laughter) (slurring): To texting! Hello.
Where's Homer? Homer, Homer-- when did I see him last? Geez, I don't know.
(vomits) Yeah, Homer's a great guy, but that doesn't mean I constantly think about whether he's still alive or not.
You're taking a picture of 'em in their moment of grief? It's okay.
This camera has an "auto cheer" feature.
Aw Aw Well, he's not in the Boise morgue.
Maybe he was mistaken for a dead elephant and flown back to Kenya.
You're talking about my husband.
To spare your feelings, we'll just call him the Blob.
Two to one says the Blob is stuck in the water-intake pipe at the reservoir.
Please, I need people here who are helpful and sensitive.
Sorry I'm late, everyone.
I had some trouble getting the voice mails off the 9-1-1 line.
Why does everyone have to talk so fast and panicky? MAN (slowly and clearly): A man with a gun is in my house.
Gibberish.
(barking) Hello, everyone.
Homie! What happened to you? I overslept, lost my cell phone, missed my flight.
Why didn't you call us? Well, all the pay phones at the airport were replaced by self-serve yogurt.
I ate all the cookie dough toppings a man could want.
So many cookies will never be born.
Well, I guess all that matters is, everything's back to normal.
(explosion) Yes.
Back to normal.
Dear Christian God Hey! Sorry.
Dear God-- you know which one I mean-- thank you for returning our Homie.
He's still got a lot of unfinished business down here.
Amen.
I'm glad you're back, Dad.
It's hard to sleep with one unkissed cheek.
Yeah, it's tough being man of the house.
You left some big underpants to fill.
I didn't know they made Underoos in size 52.
They're called Superoos, son.
With pictures of the cast of The Expendables.
More like The Expandables.
(chuckles) Why didn't you strangle me? That kind of small-scale violence solves nothing.
Couldn't agree more.
Now to celebrate.
Ta-da! Pork chops crusted with Cheeto dust.
Uh, I'll pass on the pork.
(spits) I'll just enjoy these green beans with slivered almonds.
Mmm, so slivered.
Mmm.
(quietly): Bart, why is the dad I always wished for creeping me out? I don't know.
'Cause you're incapable of experiencing joy? Yay.
(groans) Point taken.
Dad, what's that on your lap? A napkin.
(others gasp) Glad you're back, buddy.
You got a lot of catching up to do.
(grunting, panting) Can I just get a glass of water? Water? That stuff killed my grandmother.
So sad.
I've been having snuggle dreams.
Marge, I changed in Boise.
I'm not sure a man who eats right and doesn't drink can be good in bed.
Well, what made you? You're so beautiful when I cut you off in the middle of a question.
(both moaning) (gasps) Oh.
Oh, my.
What's that thing you're doing? HOMER (sultrily): Moving my body.
MARGE (chuckling): Oh.
(humming happily) Don't you think it's weird that Dad stopped eating pork and drinking beer? Who cares what happened? Daddy's back.
(grunts) (humming happily) Something happened to Dad on that trip.
This is worse than when he went to New Orleans and came back with a Southern accent.
(deep Southern accent): Uh, how y'all doin'? (crunch) (dog barking in distance) Chief Wiggum, how come every time there's a terrorist chatter in this town, you come to me? Lay off, Apu.
When I look at people, I don't see colors.
I just see crackpot religions.
Chief, is there really a terrorist threat to Springfield? Yeah.
I got a very important phone call.
(phone rings) Yello? MAN: Is this line secure? Uh, it's a little jiggly but it'll hold.
We got intel-- uh, that's short for a word I don't know Intelligence? I don't believe so, no.
Anyway, this intel says that someone in town has been turned and they're working for terrorists.
(gasps) Now, I got to go check my other suspects.
Uh-huh.
But I may be back.
Huh? (gasps) Dad's kneeling on a prayer mat.
He doesn't believe in kneeling.
(chanting indistinctly) Huh? It looks like he's praying.
To the east.
The Middle East.
Mecca.
(quietly): He's targeting the nuclear plant.
Meow? If you are a cat, prove it.
Do you hate Mondays, like Garfield? (screeches) And do you love lasagna, like me? Meow.
Okay then.
(humming happily) Mom, I have to tell you something about Dad, something big! I know.
He's changed.
Exactly.
For the better.
And men don't change that way.
But-but Do you know what we're doing on Sunday? Brunch with the Hibberts.
Then the tile store.
He's like a husband in a widow's memory-- perfect.
(grunting) Perfect.
Perfect.
(beeping) (phone rings) FBI.
I think someone I love is a terrorist.
Does that make me crazy? No, no.
Not at all.
It took me two hours to get home.
Traffic was crazy.
Are you people talking about me? No.
We're not even here right now.
I'll be right there.
And don't believe what you've heard about me.
I haven't heard anything about you except from you.
Hanging up the receiver, eh? (gasps) How much did you hear? How much did you say? Nothing, really.
So I heard half of nothing.
Dad, you're scary when you're calm and focused.
Lisa, I'll miss you when this is all over.
When what's all over? This conversation.
(chuckles nervously) See you on the other side.
What other side? Of the house.
Where the fireplace is.
We're toasting marshmallows.
Marsh mallows.
I'm Bart Simpson.
Who the hell are you? Agent Crawford, FBI.
You guys know I don't talk to field agents.
Get your boss on the phone.
I'm not here for you.
I'm here for your dad.
What do you want with his dad? Go back to sleep, Milhouse.
How do you know my name? I didn't.
But I do now.
Don't talk.
Okay.
I want you to know I'm the best there is at finding out what you're up to.
Ooh.
I can torture you.
I can give you incredible sex.
Or you can just tell me what I want to know.
What was the first one again? I see.
You're stupid.
Hey.
I'm the one in bed with two beautiful women.
(gasps) You think I'm beautiful? Oh! In a breaking-and-entering kind of way.
Well, give me something, or I'm not leaving.
(snoring) Let's just say I've got to get to work on time.
And if you knew me, you'd know just how odd that sounds.
Who are you talking to? No one.
You're in too deep, Annie.
Get out.
Are you real, or my imagination? Either way, my advice is sound.
I love my job.
HOMER (à la Islamic call to prayer): It is the climax What everything's been Buil Di-ing to Hope it pays off for you Ooh-ooh-ooh.
(beeping) What you got there, Homer? Weird thing under a tarp.
That's what I thought.
Have a good one.
(laughs) You laugh now, but you won't be laughing soon.
He's right, because now I go back to remembering that my cat just died.
He's in.
(knocking) One sunrise burrito, please.
Fine! FEMALE VOICE: Facial recognition required.
(high-pitched whirring) Welcome, Mr.
Burns.
(grunts) Dad? Huh? How'd you get in here? Girl Scout cookies get you in anywhere.
Please don't do this, Dad.
I don't know what horrors you saw in Boise, but it's not worth blowing up everyone you love.
I'm not blowing up the plant.
(chuckling): Oh.
Just harmlessly stopping it from doing more damage to Mother Earth.
Is that something your terrorist masters told you to tell me? (sighs) Yes.
My terrorist masters are always talking about you, Lisa.
I missed my flight, so I got in a van with some eco-friendly activists.
They wanted gas, grass or ass, and, brother, I had the ass.
They taught me something I found shocking.
Pigs aren't happy to be made into pork chops.
This T-shirt lied to me.
And they also gave me an alcohol detox.
Nothing's shakin' on Shakedown Street Used to be the heart of town Don't tell me this town ain't got no heart Oh! Oh! Oh, I've been listening to this song for three days, and it's only the end of the first verse! LISA: But I saw you praying to Mecca.
Lisa, I've never prayed to a city in my life, and if I did, it would be Hershey, Pennsylvania.
I was kneeling on the affirmation rug they gave me.
See? (rhythmically): Ow, this rug is hard on my knees.
Ow, this rug is hard on my knees.
Ow, this rug is hard on my knees.
But wait, wait, wait.
What is this? Lisa, the most horrible truth of all is, the plant where I work poisons our water and our air.
I've told you that a million times.
Aw, sweetie, you told me a thousand things a million times.
Even with a brain the size of a dinosaur's, I couldn't take that in.
Anyhoo, this canister is full of spoiled milk and utility-grade chicken, both sold to me by Apu this morning.
When I release it into the AC system, it'll stink up the plant forever.
No one can use it, but no one gets hurt.
Just like when I smell up the toilet.
(knocking) (gasps) Huh? (grunting) (door opens) There he is.
Use your fattest handcuffs.
Hey.
Uh, it's not what you think, Lou.
Lou, Lou, Lou.
(ululating): Lou-Lou-Lou-Lou-Lou! (groans) I can complete my dad's mission just like George W.
Bush.
I can't shoot a little girl.
(gunshot) Ah, damn it! There's some things they just don't teach you in the police academy movies.
(distorted grunting) (electronic trilling) (rhythmic chugging) We did it, Dad.
We did it.
We sure did.
(grunts) You weren't shot.
No, I was just up late watching a movie.
Something with William Holden and (snoring) Your plan failed.
Thank God this plant has never had a functioning air conditioner.
Wait a minute, Burns.
You don't have a functioning AC system at a nuclear plant? That's against the law.
That's impossible.
Smithers, didn't we move this plant to China? Sir, that's two years from now, and you're not supposed to tell anyone.
Oopsie.
There isn't a prison made that can hold me.
Prisons are still made of mud and wattles, right? No.
Concrete.
(gasps loudly) You know, Dad, just because your mission's complete, it doesn't mean you have to go back to pork eating and beer drinking.
A beer from the sky! It's a sign! (laughing) Yeah, this equipment will pay for itself in one night of binging.
I wish a mission could bring me closer to someone, but it can't.
Okay, it's time for me to walk alone into the sunset.
(gulps loudly) That's better.
(groans) Amazingly, the hamster's older than I am.
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