The Simpsons s25e02 Episode Script

Treehouse of Horror XXIV

(thunder crashing) (electrical crackling, bird squawks) (moaning growls) (bellows) (moaning) (gasps) (electrical crackling) (grunts) (suspenseful music plays) (birds cawing) (yelling) (gasps) (grunting) (whistle blows) (shrieks) (screams) (gasps) (yells) (beeping) (groans) (singing opera) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (monster shrieking) (bird caws) (chuckles) (all screaming) (all moaning, shrieking) (horn honking) (panting) (screams) (tires screech) D'oh! (horn honking) (yells) (moaning) (screaming) (screaming fades, clocks ticking) (grunts, gasps) (electrical zapping) LISA: 'Twas Halloween night, with the kids door-to-dooring, and all over town the blood sugar was soaring.
(doorbell rings) Give me your candy! LISA: But the Simpson abode was deep down in the dumps, 'cause from little to bigger, the kids had the mumps.
MARGE: Now, I'm off to a party, my outfit is chic.
It's a Catwoman costume, I'm sure is unique.
(dog howls) Wait a second-- it's Halloween? Just rest on the sofa, I'll be home by 10:00.
Can we have some candy? Just one M&M.
LISA: Then we heard a loud crash.
HOMER: D'oh! We were tempted to scat.
BART: And we looked and we saw him LISA/BART: The Fat in the Hat! I'll save Halloween for you three grumpy tots.
Just stick out your rumps for some mump-stumping shots! (sighs) Now hop on my cycle, there's nothing to fear.
And we shall have candy and maybe some beer.
Huh? You should not be here when their mother's away! And you should be dead, you're so wrinkled and gray! I'll give you the business, you yellow sea cow! This go-getting oldster will Where am I now? (grunts) We'll fix up this mix-up in two minutes flat, with the helpers I've hidden right under my hat.
(kids exclaim) I uh, I knew there was something I left off my list.
Without food, air and water, they cease to exist.
(explosion) I am the Borax.
I speak for the woods.
But I've plastered my likeness on consumer goods.
HOMER: Sellout! Hey! Oh, the Fat in the Hat doesn't care what moms say The minute they leave you, he'll take you away (gasps) His breakfast is dinner His dinner's dessert You might see his name on an AMBER Alert! Trick or treat! Who buzzed the buzzard? Don't pester the rich.
I don't hand out candy, you son of a Gritch.
BART: He pulled out bamfoozlers and side-winding gizzles.
(explosion) (laughing) He laughed as he heard that old codger's house-sizzles.
Let this be a lesson to those who love cash, that your nice stash of cash could be gone in a flash.
And if you are awful and nasty and cruel Enough with the lessons! This isn't a school! (neck cracks) Once a year we are not hungry Thanks to Christian charity.
(all gag) (toilet flushing) (snoring) I don't got no candy, I only serve beer.
And who said that you could bring minors in here? Your peanuts are pawed through, your beer smells like skunk.
And you just pissed off the wrong fat, furry drunk! (gasps) Hey, hey, hey! This is supposed to be a children's story! Go grab all his money and vodka and gin.
And I'll knit a nice thnord from his leathery skin.
Say, Mr.
Hat, I don't mean to complain, but you promised us candy, not mayhem and pain.
BART: The dude thought a while, then said: I know a man! With an overpriced store, who'll give all that he can.
Take whatever you want.
I don't want any trouble.
Take Jims that are Slim, and gum of the bubble.
I won't shoot you now, 'cause I've found something cruel-ah, an afternoon off with eight kids and Manjula.
(bike bell rings, kids laughing) (kids laughing) No! Oh, the Fat in the Hat Has some anger issues And some highly unusual political views If he comes a-calling, you'd better hide 'Cause he's committing aggravated floop-fluffle-cide! Don't forget me! Floop-fluffle-cide! BART: We had to escape from this behatted mammal.
(burps) LISA: So we hitched us a ride on a three-hump gumbamel! A gumbamel's a camel but faster and humbler.
It doesn't take tips and it's never a grumbler.
So if you must leave in a kind of a scramble, then jump on the hump of a humble gumbamel.
BART: But if the gumbamel should ramble, then stumble, then just hop atop a Krustiferous Krumbull.
But then if that Krumbull should happen to tumble, just call your amigo, the bee man of bumble.
(exhales) BEE MAN: Ay-yi-yi! LISA: We thought we'd escaped from our psychotic guide but when we got home, he was waiting inside! I'm staying forever.
You're all stuck with that.
'Cause I'm your new daddy, the Fat in the (screams) I'm frightened of nothing, not even hellfires.
Just don't let me ever be played by Mike Myers.
(groans) BART: Now please do not worry, 'cause we did okay.
Yes, kids will get candy, whatever you say.
PILOT: What the hell?! (Bart laughs) Bart, isn't it dangerous to fly your kite PILOT: Stupid kids! by an airport? Hey, if they get on an airbus, they know they're taking their chances.
Kite at 2:00! I don't know what that means, I have a digital watch! (pilots scream) (both groan) What's my wife's picture doing on your control screen? Over.
Homina, homina, homina.
(yawns) (groans) Nowhere to tie my kite and I forgot my scarf.
(gasps) Bingo! I'm seeing a 12-car pileup, a naked rooftop cookout, and Oh, my God! A box kite! (screams) (sighs) Well, at least it's a beautiful night.
(grunts) I'm alive! All patched up! End of story.
Actually, there's a little more.
Ay, caramba! I'm sorry.
This was the only way to lengthen Bart's life for a year while shortening yours by 30.
I thought I was donating blood.
You are.
Along with lymph, spinal fluid, and all the trimmings.
(chuckles) But, Lisa, your brain is still in complete control.
I could do what I want to Bart's head? Aw, geez.
Strangle me out of this, Fatso.
Why you little! I'll teach you to make medical history! Oops.
Ah, all good.
D'oh! (neck cracks) (humming) (spits) Hey, boy, since you don't need a bedroom anymore, I finally get my man cave.
Man cave! Everyone's welcome to my man cave! I assure you, we've spared no effort to accommodate your special-needs student.
And done.
So, in conclusion, my show-and-tell is this! Excellent, Lisa.
Bart, your turn.
Well, my show-and-tell is that I'm on Lisa's body.
Derivative and repetitive! F-minus.
Aw! (giggles) Bart, I expected more from a fourth-grade head.
(gasps) You're rotating it in the wrong direction! (both grunting) That was gonna be my show-and-tell! Bart, Lisa, I'm afraid you two are going to be together for a long time.
Why don't you try to say something good about each other? Well, she's pretty healthy for someone who's been living with cooties.
Bart, aren't Lisa's ears clean? Yeah.
It's like looking down a Canadian tunnel.
What else? Well now I always have someone to eat lunch with.
Great! That's as much therapy as your parents can afford.
I think we've made some progress here.
Great Oh, and I have this "two heads for one" coupon.
Well, that's for lettuce.
How about this one? "One random disorder free with every schizophrenia.
" That's mine, but it's expired.
D'oh! (playing "When the Saints Go Marching In") Should've chopped off Bart's head long ago.
Sleep well, Lis.
Somehow, sewing my head on your shoulder brought us closer together.
Rainbow oh, Rainbow Oh not the pony dream again.
(gasps) Hey, I did that.
Yep, that's me.
When she's asleep, I'm in control.
Lis, I'm gonna make sure you stay asleep.
(laughs evilly) Ooh, mix-ins! Mmm.
(snores) (falls down stairs, grunts, shouts) Son of a (grunts) (snoring) (engine sputters, dies) You start a car as well as you start a family.
You wait here while I go get the jumper cables.
SKINNER: Oh, a panic attack, huh? Well, I'll give you something to panic about! (grunting) (groans) Now I'll just cut off her annoying head and this body will be all mine.
Or we both die.
Not really sure what the rules are.
(gasps) Why, Bart? I thought we were friends.
A brother can never be friends with his sister.
Are you really, really sure? I'm afraid I am.
Well, then, I guess I have no choice.
(yells) How could this go wrong? 'Cause in a head-to-head battle, the one with the most brains wins! (groans) (groans) Well, wherever I am, it's gotta be an improvement.
Guess again.
(moans) Now I can always sing karaoke duets.
Mock Yeah.
Ing Yeah.
I feel your pain, brother.
Now, I need you to memorize these 10,000 setups by next week.
Help me, Doctor.
So this is what successful post-op looks like.
(circus music plays) BURNSUM: Step right up.
Step right up, only two bits! (snickering) (slurps, growls) Thrill as Thrill as Marguerite conquers the air! (cheering) Laugh at the clown's buffoonery! Seriously, folks, I really think we should stop this Hitler guy.
(laughing) Disbelieve, as the Strong Man pulls a wagon with his bare tongue! This is the song that you hear at the circus Sung by a guy that you see at the circus (muffled): Do-do-do, do-do-do Do-do-do D'oh! Or gape in terror at Almighty God's whoopsy-daisies the Freaks! (crowd exclaims) The Human Donkey.
Hee-haw! The Terrifying Callback.
Mock Yeah.
Ing Yeah.
Creatures from another galaxy! Actually, it's more of a globular cluster.
Not the dark, not the dark! Ah! And now I must ask that small children leave, good women avert their eyes, and men take a stiff slug of circus whiskey.
Behold, the most hideous creature of all.
How ya doin'? (audience screams) So, uh, anyone here from New Jersey? I'm goin' there next week.
(screams) (humming) (humming continues) Whoa! (grunting) (humming) Hey, torso! Huh? What's with the cookies? Even the human snail would've been done by now.
I am so sick and tired of people assuming that the human snail is, in some way, slow.
Good day! (grunts) All of you! Get back out there with your flippers flapping, and your stumps a-stumping! Joe and Jane Normal expect some entertainment for their nickel! Mr.
Burnsum! You should treat these poor people with respect! Marge! Get away from those freaks.
You belong to me! The dumb, hairless brute.
Well, you are the best this circus has to offer.
(laughing) Taste the strength of your fiancé.
Ooh! Ooh With the mighty tongue God's given you, why can't you speak kindly of these imperfect angels? Marge, they knew what they were getting into when their parents sold them to the circus.
Enough! You will comport yourself with the dignity expected of a traveling freak show.
(grunts) Excuse me, ma'am, but, uh, I ain't never seen a normal stand up for us.
(sighs) I, too, am a freak.
One eye is blue, and the other a pale brown.
I wouldn't want to be you, lady.
Never give up hope, my friends.
Of all the kisses I have ever gotten in my life, that was the first.
Hey, you should ask her out, Moe.
Ah, but she's sweet on the strong man.
You're fine unless Rabbit Ears hears and tells Big Mouth.
(whispering) Wha?! I ain't got no chance with the strong man's girl.
He makes ten dollars a week plus all the sawdust he can eat.
Well, you've got an emerald ring.
My mother's ring.
(sobs) She gave it to me on her deathbed.
She also acquired it on her deathbed.
That was a very busy deathbed.
With an emerald that big, I could buy anything.
A jalopy, an icebox, a steamer trunk full of fedoras! But how do I get my hands on it? Oh, I'm an idiot! Of course! I get Marge to marry Moe, then I kill Moe, then she gets the ring, then I marry her and the ring is mine.
And the brilliance of my plan is its simplicity.
You're gonna be sorry you said that.
You're gonna be sorry you said that.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I just lost my keys! Whoa-whoa-whoa What do you know? I am gathering moss! (owl hoots) Hey, Marge, you want to marry Moe? I'm engaged to you, my love.
The poor, lonely fellow is about to die.
Really? How? Well, let me worry about how.
But you know, you could make his last day a happy one.
And the ring is just the icing on the cake.
What ring? The ring that'll get me out of this lousy circus and into a good circus.
Now, let's get you married.
But wouldn't you be jealous, my love? (laughs) Dear, I am not the jealous type.
And from you, I have learned to feel compassion for these disgustos.
Aw (solemnly): She's a superfreak Superfreak She's superfreaky Yow.
"Yow" indeed.
And so, with the conclusion of our traditional wedding song, I now declare you husband and wife.
Moe, whatever small time together we have will be wonderful.
(laughs) A very small time! Those are strange things to say, but a wedding is no place to worry about threats from the bride's former lover.
Now, the toast.
To you, Marge.
Now you are one of us.
FREAKS (chanting): One of us! Gooble goo! One of us! Gooble goo! Why is it company parties always get weird? (cork pops) God, you are so beautiful in that peignoir there.
I, uh, better freshen up a little bit.
(humming) Set it to "massage," Jumbo.
(humming) Hmm? What are you doing? Oh! Trying to kill Moe so we'll get his emerald! By the way, I haven't checked, but emeralds are valuable, right? (gasps) Strong Man! Moe may be ugly on the outside, but inside, you are the true monster.
Leave my trailer forever! You're rejecting me? But I'm in the best shape anyone is in the 1930s.
I said go! (whimpers) (chanting): One of us! Gooble goo! One of us! Gooble goo! What the hell does "gooble goo" mean? (chanting): We don't know! Gooble goo! We don't know! Gooble goo! (gasps) You killed Burnsum! Now who is gonna say, "Step right up"? FREAKS: Gooble goo! Gooble goo! Tar and feather him! Tear off his drumsticks! Make him one of us! FREAKS (chanting): One of us! One of us! This is exactly why circus attendance is plummeting! And that, kids, is how I met your mother.
( How I Met Your Mother theme music playing) and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY FREAKS (chanting): One of us!
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