The Simpsons s25e04 Episode Script


(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney burps) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screech) Not again! (classical music playing) Now, I, Bart Simpson, shall send the first coaster down the track.
(Milhouse grunts) (gasping) No, for once, I want to go first.
But, Milhouse, I already let you push me on the swings.
And it's an honor, but I'm doing this.
Ow! Knock it off, Milhouse! (grunting) (yells) Eat safety bar! (muffled): Why are we best friends? Because your seat was behind mine! (both grunting) (groans) (both crying) Feels like this playdate's gone on forever.
I'll handle this.
"Dear Weirdo, pick up weirdo kid.
" And send.
Aah! (gasps) Did you eat a peanut? No, I just sniffed a nectarine.
It's okay.
I can breathe through my tear ducts.
(whistling) Tell me if this gets annoying.
(whistling continues) I think I'm gonna throw up the mac and cheese you fed me.
I'm not supposed to have it.
That's why I had so much.
HOMER: What the?! If this kid's dad isn't here in one second, he's going in the garbage can.
(car honks) Hey, guys! Who wants a whiff of New Kirk Smell? "YOLO"? You Only Live Once.
Once again, cats have it better.
Kirk Van Houten.
I hope you're not having a midlife crisis.
Just 'cause I bought a new car, lost a little weight and started taking a DJ class, everyone thinks I'm having a midlife crisis.
Dad! You got me a skateboard? It's for me.
Now get in the back.
And while you're there, use this cream to massage the leather.
(leather squeaking) To the tooth-whitening kiosk! (laughing) I'm sorry, but does Kirk know how silly he looks? Look at me! I'm afraid of dying.
(laughs) Oh, Homie.
I'm so glad you're happy with your life just the way it is.
You've had the same job, same car, same house for 20 years.
And that's all you'll ever have.
A cycle you'll never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever change.
And you're okay with it! Like I say night after night after night nighty-night.
(birds chirping) Kent Brockman is here for your interview.
So, Kent, what brings you here? The miraculous tale of how we lost, then found, our Lost and Found box? Actually, Principal Skinner, I'm here to talk about something else cheating! (chuckles) I thought this was a puff piece.
You're wearing a sweater.
This journalism just turned gotcha! (gasps) That's right, Channel 6 will uncover the truth in a five-part series two minutes a day.
People, make room for your local Emmy nomination certificates.
No, do not make room.
Except for Mr.
Largo and his diet, there's no cheating in this school.
These 30 identical "What I Did This Summer" essays say different.
Um Myra, don't I have another appointment? Oh, this is your first appointment ever.
Let's take a look at this monitor.
This school is more corrupt than the Italian parliament.
If these children are our future, then I, for one, do not want to live.
NELSON (quietly): Ha-ha.
Please don't air this.
I'll tell you the winners of the kickball games in advance.
You can make a lot of cabbage betting on K-ball.
And that's what we'll end the story with.
No! This is Kent Brockman.
Pleased with himself.
You only Live once Or so it seems No life for yourself And none for your dreams You work Every day At a job so lame And every night The ending's the same.
No dream will come true You only Live once.
(deep breath) (crying to the tune of "You Only Live Twice") (higher-pitched crying) Yeah, well, at least you got your health, huh? Now let's see if I can take that away from you.
Your poison.
(groans) I'm tired of living once.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm starting to regret saying "YOLO.
" Marge, if you don't mind, I'm gonna quit complaining about my life and start wallowing in the past.
Postage, marked in pesetas? Who are those letters from? My old pen pal from Spain.
- Eduardo.
Back in fifth grade, you either had to write to a foreigner or a prisoner.
I picked a foreigner because the prisoners wrote back too fast.
We'd write each other with our dreams of the future.
I was gonna be King of Cheeseburger Mountain.
(sighs) Did I change or did they stop making mountains out of cheeseburgers? Probably a little bit of both.
So sad.
(indistinct chatter) (overlapping chatter) What kind of moral example is this dump for my boy? (burps) (crowd clamoring) Please, calm down, everyone.
You know, maybe this so-called cheating scandal is actually an opportunity to, uh (clears throat) initiate a-a dialogue that would, uh, create a teachable moment.
Uh, something, something buzz word I got nothing.
Quick, get a picture for the yearbook! (crowd clamoring) LISA: I have a solution! You took your sweet time coming to our rescue, Lisa.
Maybe the best way to keep students from cheating is to trust them not to cheat.
(crowd murmuring) That's it? That's all you've got? Something I can read on a tea box? What I'm suggesting is we create an honor code.
Oh, swell, more work for the teachers.
The students would do it.
Let her speak! If every student pledges not to cheat, and to turn in any cheater, no one will cheat the system because they'll be the system.
ALL (chanting): Honor code! Honor code! I did it.
I saved the day.
The same way I won that battle in Vietnam.
By fainting! (doorbell rings) If you're my wife's secret lover, come in.
There's nothing I can do for her anymore.
I am looking for my amigo de la pluma.
Or "pen pal.
" (gasps) Eduardo? Is it really you? Why are you here? To save the soul of Homer Simpson.
Now where is he, old man? I'm Homer Simpson! Ay, dios mio! What has happened to you? (speaking in Spanish) Did your hair burn off in a fire that trapped you in a candy factory? I wish.
Marge Simpson.
It's so nice to meet a friend Homer met through the mail who isn't a sea monkey.
Yes, Eduardo Barcelona.
Or in English, Eddie Miami.
Homie, I thought a visit from your old pen pal would cheer you up.
Ah, how eagerly I would wait for a letter from the EstadosUnidos, and Homer Simpson.
HOMER: "Buenos días, Eduardo.
" HOMER (continues): (chuckles) What happened to us, Eduardo? We had so many things we were going to do.
And I, my friend, have been doing them.
Yeah, well, listen, pal.
I have my treasure-- my wife and my children.
Ooh! I've had eight wives and 200 children! Among them artists, doctors and revolutionary chefs.
Do you have a disrespectful son who calls you by your first name? I cannot imagine such a creature.
Hey, Homer.
Did you just fart? Did you just fart, sir.
BART: Whatever.
Easy, easy, Homer.
I want to help you fulfill some of your childhood dreams.
Really? Now? I have two pizzas coming.
I wanted to see who would get here first.
Now, Homer! Get your coat.
I asked him here to cheer you up.
But I didn't think you'd drop everything to go gallivanting with some, no offense, Spaniard.
I promise you one thing, madam.
When I return your husband, he will be happy, bringing a new sense of adventure to your marriage and to the bedroom.
(panting) I'm not used to strange men saying the word "bedroom" around me.
Would you prefer, uh, "sala deamor"? That's even worse.
Could you say it one more time? Sala de amor.
(gasps) Ooh! Hello, children.
I hold before you a copy of the school's new honor code.
(all groaning) I know if I can get the toughest kid in class to sign it, the rest of you will sign it.
Milhouse? (grunts) He's not the toughest kid, I am! Mm-hmm! Now, the smartest kid.
Milhouse? He's not the smartest kid.
I am.
Now the class nerd.
Milhouse? (sighs): Oh.
(snickers) Homer, are you prepared to achieve the dreams of a ten year old? I took the liberty of crossing off the, uh, stupid ones.
Now, this book of your childhood drawings will come to life.
Why are you doing this? Wait, are you in love with me? In love with the concept of you, yes.
Woo-hoo! I'm an attractive concept like Liberty! (siren wailing) (tires screech) One more ride? All right.
Don't forget to ring the bell.
(bell ringing) (laughing, grunting) I'm sick of pirates off the street ruining my play! I'm going back to my old career! Care to see a dessert menu? We have the best cobbler since Daniel Day-Lewis.
How much did this cost to restage? They rented everything from Comic Book Guy for ten bucks.
Don't stink up the Gorn head.
I need it for a Bar Mitzvah later.
(birds chirping) Now don't forget, this is the first exam under the new honor code.
They're doing it.
They're self-proctoring.
Can't you say anything in a normal way? The answer, sadly, is not yes.
(crickets trilling) I don't know what it is about having all my dreams fulfilled, but I feel great! Oh, if you're happy I'm happy.
What? That doesn't sound happy.
I feel kind of, oh melancholy.
Mmm, melon collie.
(barking) That's not helping.
Well, what was your childhood dream? Jumping on the bed.
But I never disobeyed my parents.
Till I married you.
Let's do it.
Oh, I'm a little tired.
Could we just snuggle again? We do that every night! Come on! Jump on the bed! (Homer giggling) Ooh, okay! (both laughing) Can I help you, stranger? I am just watching my friend and his wife innocently pleasure themselves in bed.
That sounds salty, but you seem sweet.
I'm gonna call you Kettle Corn.
Eduardo, I haven't felt this good in years.
You're like the Tooth Fairy.
Except you don't collect human bones.
Yes, yes.
Of course I don't.
So, that's it? All my dreams, lived? Eh all but one.
Well, we've got to do it! I never leave a job unfinished.
It's as true now as that week I worked on the high school yearbook.
So much infighting.
I had to get out of there.
All right, Homer, we shall do this thing.
The editor put in like six pictures of this girl 'cause she was his girlfriend.
Everyone has a bad yearbook story.
They spelled my name wrong! Get over it! Ha! D'oh! (propellers churning) So don't do what I did.
That concludes our safety video.
(grunts) Just step out that door and you can glide to earth like your boyhood hero Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
Uh, actually, my hero was the actress who provided Rocky's voice, June Foray.
A true legend in the voice-over community.
I'm just gonna stay on the plane and think about her influence.
She has lived her life.
Now, you must live yours.
No! Do not worry! I will follow the trail of your fear! (Homer yells) ANNOUNCER: Will Homer make it? Or will he leave a crater the size of the one that destroyed the Yucatan? Find out in our next exciting installment: Fat Splat or When You Squish Upon a Car.
Mmm, it's amazing.
Every day has the peace and serenity of a flu outbreak.
(laughs) Guess I'll be getting some extra credit for this.
Lisa, I'm afraid you've gotten all the extra credit we can give out.
So Willie has been growing you a nice pumpkin.
Here it is, lass.
You want me to carve it into a thank-o'-lantern? No, this is good.
Well, this knife's got to carve something.
(menacing music playing) (grunting) Homer! (grunts thrice) You don't have to flap.
Just glide on the wind.
Uh, okay.
Flap! Flap! Flap! Flap! Flap! Flap! (grunts twice) Yes, good, much better.
(groans) I got Bart's backpack.
He got a hundred on his test? That's impossible.
(gasps) Is Bart cheating? Are the Pope's tweets infallible? (laughs) Bart, I'm gonna tell! No, you're not.
Because if you tell people I cheated, that means your system failed.
Oh, my God, you found a loophole! Why don't you put this much inventiveness into your work? Because then I'd be the one thing I swore I wouldn't.
(whistling) I'm doing it! I'm flying like the squirrel I always knew I was.
Ooh, indigo! MARGE: Homer? (yells gibberish) It's me, talking in your earphone.
Come down, Homie.
"You only live once" also means when you die, you die! (cries out) What's going on? Hello? (goose honks) Hmm? (honks) Hmm? Hmm? (honks) Are you mocking me? You can listen to your wife when you are dead.
Savor the moment.
Majestic eagle.
Just like me, unashamed of his baldness.
(eagle cries) So beautiful.
Aw, he probably sees a mouse he wants to tear in half.
(grunts) D'oh! Stupid tallest building in Springfield! (grunting) Hmm (grunts) (grunting) Ha! Whoa! You've presented me with quite a conundrum.
A word you should know since it was on a vocabulary test you aced.
(giggles) But after some thought, all my worries went away.
I know the answer.
I'm gonna force you to turn yourself in.
Good luck with that.
The only thing that'll change my mind is a sign from God.
(Bart grunts) Son, it was so beautiful! I went faster than the speed of sound.
(Homer yelling) (grunts) Well, Bart, is that enough of a sign for you? All right, I'll turn myself in.
It'll give me a chance to work some more on the detention quilt.
(humming a tune) (all grunting) This patch is for all the victims of atomic wedgies.
My friend, you've lived your dreams.
No matter what, Homer Simpson has done it.
And soon I hope I remember who Homer Simpson is and his relationship to me.
But I have no regrets.
In fact, all this has given me a sense of calm I've never had before.
That's the morphine.
Can you give me the morphine forever? No way! A person on morphine all the time would constantly dissolve in inappropriate laughter.
(laughs) (sighs) Eduardo? Eduardo! Eduardo! (grunts) Oh.
It was all just a dream.
EDUARDO: It was not just a dream.
And you said you'd drive me to the airport.
Oh, yeah.
Um Do I drop you at the curb or do I have to park and walk you in? Go as far as your heart will take you.
You are a good friend.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY You only live once But that's okay You'll live quite long In the USA But back to my point You only live once You've got years and years Unless it's just months.
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