The Simpsons s25e05 Episode Script

Labor Pains

(oogah horn blows) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (angry shouting) (dramatic music plays) (cries out) (belches) MARGE: Oh! Come on.
Just pick one.
(sniffing) Oh.
Fine, you can have your old one.
(Marge sighs) You can have one of these.
(sniffing) Hmph! Did you know some historians think American football is based on an ancient Aztec game? It's not American football, it's just football.
Bart, you're not annoyed that Milhouse asked me to go to the American football game instead of you? Mom, Lisa's ruining football.
American football.
No time for breakfast, Marge.
Just give me a banana.
(humming) Now, listen.
I have to work late tonight.
Again? I was hoping you could spend some time with the kids.
It's a tough economy.
Money doesn't grow on trees.
It grows on threes.
(laughs) Yeah, I'm out.
Me, too.
Too rich for my blood.
I should not have anted with my blood.
Whew.
You got the touch tonight, Homer.
(chuckles) Nice sunglasses, Lenny.
Homer Simpson.
Do you really want to keep cheating your friends, lying to your wife, and avoiding your kids? What would Jesus do? Hey, you gotta pay to find out.
You looking for a tell? I don't have one, my friend.
What? What are you lookin' at? I'd better call it a night, guys.
I don't want to take any more of your money.
Mm.
Mm.
Mm.
Hmm.
Who's president now, Alexander Hamilton? I think it's Obama.
Hold the door, please.
(breathes heavily) Two minutes apart.
Timing the elevators, eh? Oh.
Smart.
Oh.
No, no.
I'm timing my contractions.
I think I'm in labor.
Deep in labor.
Okay, okay, no worries.
What the? Oh! Do you have a cell phone? Everyone has a cell phone.
Mine's at home.
The most beautiful moment of my life is happening now.
Everything will be fine.
UmOh you, uh, you like movies? This reminds me of that scene in Alien.
What? The scene where she escapes with the cat at the end.
Aw, well, that's sweet.
Listen, I'm glad I'm not going through this alone.
I haven't seen my boyfriend in months.
Oh, uh, he was just here.
No, he wasn't.
But thanks for lying.
You like lies? Here's a few: College is expensive but it's worth it.
I think the baby's coming.
Okay Homer, remember your Lamaze training.
Now, this next position is fantastic for women who are carrying especially big.
Homer, can you demonstrate? Mm-hmm.
Mm Oh.
Yeah, wow, that does feel good.
Oh, no, I think it's coming.
Oh, I haven't even picked a name yet.
You did this to me.
No, I didn't.
I'm talking to the baby.
Here it comes.
Um, I don't know how to tell you this, but your baby doesn't have any legs.
What? Oh, wait, there's more.
Mm.
(grunts) (baby cries) It's a dude.
And he's uncut.
Very Euro.
Now, hug your mommy.
For unto you is born this day, in this elevator, inspected in August 2009, a baby.
(elevator motor humming) (relieved sigh) Well, it was nice to share this moment with someone who cared.
Yeah, that guy didn't even look over once.
Lobby please.
(grunts) (moans) How was work? Miraculous.
Mm? Mothers are so awesome.
Oh.
These are great seats.
You can hear the players swear from up here.
PLAYER: I'll kick your ass, Milhouse.
ANNOUNCER: And now, to take your minds off the massive concussion and subdural hematoma you just witnessed, please welcome the Springfield Atomettes.
Now, for this routine, we need the help of a junior Atomette.
They're picking me, Dad.
Don't call me "Dad.
" If people think peanut vendors have families, it's too sad.
ANNOUNCER: Looks like we've got a volunteer right there.
(gasps) Look, while I'd like to help, I'm kind of pessimistic about the team's chances.
They're gonna get creamed.
Go, go, go! Mm? (crowd cheering) Uh (crowd cheering, whooping) I'm dating a cheerleader.
LISA (in the distance): No, you're not.
PLAYER: Burned again, Milhouse.
(crowd chatter) Wow, that was great.
Can I have my regular clothes back, please? No problem.
Great job, ladies.
Now here's your which should just about cover your parking.
I can't believe he pays you so little.
The crowd was crazy about you.
I know, but what are we gonna do about it? If we pipe up they'll put us in the mascot costume.
WOMEN: Ew.
After you wear that, you need to be hosed down for bedbugs.
Good game, everyone.
I never dreamed a night where you discovered I was cheating and beat the crap out of me could end on such an up note.
See you next week.
WOMAN: Homer.
Hmm? Hey, Gretchen.
I had your jacket cleaned.
Good as new.
And thanks for loaning me your sweater for the ride home.
It may be a little stretched out.
Geez, that was a pregnancy sweater.
So, you want to hold little Homer? Wow, so nw there's two things named after me-- a baby, and a law banning air horns after 3:00 a.
m.
(nasally): Aw that's sweet.
(tires screech) MOE: Read 'em and weep.
The novels of Charlotte Bronte.
CARL: Um, I thought we were playing cards.
Uh, hey.
I was just driving by with some baby stuff we didn't need and, uh, well, here's some diapers Maggie's too big for, and an incredible educational toy I forgot to give Bart.
Thanks.
Hey, could you babysit for an hour? I've been alone with the baby for days.
Wow, I'd love to help, but I did kind of have plans for tonight.
MOE: No, you can't leave.
I'm dealin' you in.
(grunts) (screams) Full house? You win again? I think I'll be good tonight and stay in with you.
Baby, baby, please let me hold him Where's Hoju? Where's Hoju? (screams) Where's Hoju? Where's Hoju? Where's Hoju?! (sobbing) We want to make him stay up all night Yeah, we do.
(song ends) Itchy and Scratchy show.
A child arrived just the other day He came to the world in the usual way But there were planes to catch And bills to pay He learned to walk while I was away And he was talking 'fore I knew it And as he grew, he'd say, "I'm gonna be like you, Dad" "You know I'm gonna be like you" And the cat's in the cradle (explosion, music stops) Kids blow up so fast.
(Homer humming) Oh! Homie? Aw, you're shopping ahead for Maggie.
Oh, no, I'm shopping for Homer Jr.
, a baby I delivered in an elevator the night I pretended to go to work but was really playing poker.
What?! (grunting) This simulation has been brought to you by your brain, a subsidiary of your penis.
Oh, yes, I'm shopping for Maggie, our baby together, so this looks perfectly innocent.
Why are you saying that? Oh, you know how the first few weeks are: sleep deprived, walking around in a fog.
First few weeks of what? Um, November.
(groans) (grunting, low chatter) Hey, Atomette.
I want to say Caitlin? Lisa.
Guys, do you realize you're being exploited by this team? ALL: Wha? They sell your posters, workout DVDs, and all of your practices are broadcast on a webcam.
And some of the angles are low.
But don't worry, collective bargaining will enable us to secure concessions.
Uh, we're gonna push 'em back, push 'em back, push 'em way, way back.
All the way to a new contract.
'Cause union power is a fact.
And we're Okay, okay, we get it.
Well, look who's here.
You been hit by the cheerleading bug, little lady? Actually, I've been hit by the unfair labor practices bug.
What? Why, that's Samuel Gompers talk.
Now, little missy, the only thing you should be organizin' is your dollies.
How? By size, brand, value? And don't even suggest race, 'cause I don't see that.
I just see little people I own.
What do you say, ladies? (indistinct whispering) Not right, not fair.
Let's say it with our hair.
Okay, fine.
I'm gonna give it some thought, then say no in the nicest way possible.
No.
Oh, good.
Nice.
"Beat Dallas.
" Can never argue with that.
Hey, ladies.
My vest isn't the only thing that's ripped.
I am in the market for a backup mistress.
Possibly two.
Have you kids seen your father? Surprised he's not here ogling these girls.
He said he was going to work.
On a Friday afternoon? (gasps) I bet he's playing poker again.
Coming through.
Wife on a mission.
Go, fight, win.
Marge.
Wow, I've never burst through a banner before, but it really does the trick.
(pounding on door) Homer, I know you're here.
Your car's outside.
Where is he? I honestly don't know.
I'm just teaching myself massage here with online videos and a store mannequin.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
So, do you have any injuries I should know about? Oh! Hmm, if he's not in there, where is he? HOMER: Oh, baby.
Oh, baby, shake it.
Homer like.
(gasps) Oh.
Shake it.
Now, roll over on your tummy, just like I taught you.
Tell me what a cow says.
(toy moos) Aah! My other baby mama.
So this is where you've been going.
Another woman's apartment.
Marge, it's not what you think.
Quiet.
You're upsetting Homer Jr.
(quietly): You have a baby together? Oh, it's cool.
We did it in an elevator.
(gasps) I'm a Schwarzenegger wife.
But you're also the housekeeper, so it's all good.
It's not good.
None of it's good.
I haven't had a drink for a week.
That is pretty good.
So then you delivered her baby right there in the elevator.
It's true.
Even the other guy in the elevator-- he's right here.
And the really funny thing is I'm a doctor.
Well, I'm glad you did a good deed, but you shouldn't come here again.
I thought that was strange poop on your collar.
(moans sadly) Good-bye, Homer Jr.
I guess you're the man of the house now.
And never forget, even though the mortgage is due on the first, you can usually wait till the 17th.
(sobbing) You know what? I think it's fine if Homer spends a few hours now and then with Homer Jr.
Exactly.
You always said charity begins at home.
But not which home.
It's true, I never specified the home.
There's a great and a bloody fight 'Round this whole world tonight And the battle, the bombs and shrapnel reign Hitler told the world around He would tear our union down But our union's gonna break them slavery chains Our union's gonna break them slavery chains (tires screeching) I walked up on a mountain in the middle of the sky Could see every farm and every town I could see all the people in this whole wide world That's the union that'll tear the fascists down, down, down.
Now to sing you a lullaby my father sung to me.
Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.
(snoring softly) Oh, man, I really overdid it tonight.
Late night at Moe's, eh? No, I'm exhausted from Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes.
It's the toes that get you, Marge.
It's the toes.
What about your own children? Way ahead of you, Marge, I'm taking all four of my kids to the zoo tomorrow.
Three.
Yes, we'll be back by 3:00.
Homer has a very tight nap schedule.
Quit talking about that baby.
I was talking about myself in the third person.
Oh.
We can't take much more of this, Lisa.
The girls are getting so antsy they'll cheer anything.
You're the greatest generation, worthy of our veneration.
Go Grampa! If this is heaven, why don't my shoes match? (doorbell rings) (deep sigh) Okay, I give up.
I'm gonna do what we secretly did at the Alamo-- surrender.
(cheering) While you're at it, how about a little boost for peanut vendors? What do you think I'm taking their raise out of? (jabbering happily) I wanted you all to be happy together, so I brought you to the zoo where all the animals live in harmony.
(growls) (triumphant wail) Okay, guys, I got your ice creams.
Hey, ah, ah, ah.
Now, Maggie, we don't hurt each other in this family.
Are you nuts? You can't even kiss me good night without slicing me with your stubble.
Why you little I'll give you a good-night kiss you'll never forget.
Come here, you.
(grunting) Aah, ooh, ah! Ah! Ow! Yeah! Dad, we're missing the giant capybaras of Uruguay.
Okay, I know what'll cheer you kids up.
Seeing me out-monkey the monkeys.
(hooting like a monkey) (angry hooting, screeching) I have a soul and you guys don't.
(hooting) Aah! Monkeys! (grunts) (angry grunt) Dad, Maggie's rolling away.
(gasps) She's heading for Prairie Dog Village.
If they get her in their warrens, we'll never see her again.
(chittering) Look, shiny keys.
Jingle jangle.
(grunts, laughs) Stupid monkeys.
That's it, Maggie, use the Dino-Wand.
This is the last time you'll see that elevator baby.
I'm sorry, Homer Jr.
You'll occupy an idealized place in my heart that no one can ever quite fill.
(Homer sobbing) Therapy, please.
Me, too.
Okay, I've got to impart all my fatherly advice in this one walk.
The sky is blue, but nobody really knows why.
Don't believe what they tell you.
Girls are great and terrible at the same time.
Get used to it.
And, most importantly Oops, we're here.
You'll have to figure it out on your own.
Sorry, little fella.
One day I'll be that guy who comes to your wedding, makes you feel a little weird, and then runs away.
Homer, great news.
Chase came back.
(whoops) Who's Chase? Homer Jr.
's father.
Oh, my God, is that my son? You didn't tell me he was a soldier.
You didn't tell me you were pregnant.
I didn't want you to marry me because I was pregnant.
I wanted you to marry me because I was nagging you.
(fusses) Um, he likes it if you tickle his toes.
Dude, he's my kid.
He likes what I like.
But n-n-n-nurture.
Gretch, I think he's got my calves.
He does, baby, he does.
Can I just say good-bye to him quick? Sure.
I guess this is it, little guy.
Da-da.
(gasps) The most beautiful words a father can hear.
Da-da.
Da-da.
Oh.
Hey, one day you'll have kids of your own.
I do.
Really? Then this is much creepier than I thought.
Much.
Shouldn't have bet his door if he didn't want to lose it.
(sighs) Hi, Maggie.
If you could talk, I know you'd have a few choice words for me.
You want me to take care of your dolly? That's the sweetest thing any baby has ever done for me.
Honey, you know where the bottle opener is? I think it's in the drawer.
Whoa, little dude.
Where did you learn that? This is what we're fighting for, babe.
(marching band playing theme song ) HOMER: Hey, what's this marching band have to do with Homer Jr.
? What?! There were cheerleaders in our house and nobody told me? (Homer moans) and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!