The Simpsons s25e06 Episode Script

The Kid Is All Right

(metronome ticking) (classical music playing) (jazz music playing) (classical music playing) (jazz music playing) (low note blaring) (classical music playing) (chugging) (dramatic classical music playing) (bluesy sax riff plays) (all playing blues) (orchestra playing bluesy song) (whistle blows) (tromping footsteps) (playing rock version of The Simpsons theme song) (jazz music playing) (all playing The Simpsons theme song) (playing jazz version of The Simpsons theme song) (bell ringing, kids cheering) One is the loneliest number That you'll ever do Two can be as bad as one It's the loneliest number since the number one No is the saddest experience you'll ever know Yes, it's the saddest experience you'll ever know (grunts) 'Cause one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do One is the loneliest number, worse than two And one You know, I really think I've made my point.
(thunder crashes) Oh, the rain has washed away the playground shed! I'm being chased by sports! It's called "precipitation," 'cause it never fails to precipitate unruly behavior.
(thunder crashes) And saddest of all, those who do not have a friend to play with in the rain, doomed to get only single pneumonia.
A spit wad? Well, at least I'm getting some attention.
And the best part is I'm bombarding her with her own homework.
(laughs) (sighs) (screams) Begone! (hisses) (chuckles) Well, you're never alone surrounded by The Autobiography of Charles Manson? (screams) Hmm.
Huh? Hi.
New kid, second grade.
Don't you love the rain? (gasps) New kid? Uh, have you made any friends? Just Charlotte, Emily and Anne.
(gasps) That's a reference to the Bronte sisters! (gasps) You got my reference to the Bronte sisters?! Nice to meet you, Lisa Simpson.
How do you know my name? I deciphered the anagrams on your notebook.
Oh.
Be Lisa? (gasps) Isabel! (both giggle) HOMER: Ooh, spaghetti.
(phone ringing) Y'ello! Lisa, you got a call from someone named Isabel.
(gasps) May I ask what this is regarding? Ooh! A budding new friendship? Oh! Boy, how come you can't get a new friend? What's wrong with the one I got? I finally got that M&M out of my inner ear.
I remembered correctly; it was a green one! Don't eat it.
It's been in his ear.
Don't eat it.
It's been in his ear.
Don't eat it.
It's been in the boy's ear and the dog's mouth.
Don't eat it.
Oh, for God's sake! And don't you hate being the middle child? Yeah.
In the car, I always have to sit on the hump.
It makes reading impossible.
MARGE: Lisa, your food's getting cold! It's raw veggies.
They're supposed to be cold! Well, someone who loves you put melted butter on them! Thank you, Mr.
Bergstrom.
I'll tell Lisa you dropped by.
I better go.
Okay, but one more thing: I noticed we're both doing presentations on Franklin Roosevelt at school.
Why don't we do them together? (quietly): Oh, my God.
Someone wants to be my partner.
Can't screw this up.
Downloading, downloading, downloading, downloading, downloading (computer chimes, electronic fanfare plays) Whoo-hoo! (clears throat) Franklin Roosevelt bravely instituted a series of reforms called the New Deal.
Which ran totally counter to America's tradition of limited government.
P.
S.
It was also unconstitutional.
Oh? Um, FDR's steadfast leadership also helped America win World War Two.
Until the weak-kneed Democrats sold us out at Yalta.
If you haven't guessed, Lisa, I'm a Republican.
A Lincoln Republican? Not really.
A Reagan Republican? Keep going.
First President Bush? Getting there.
Oh, dear God.
(chuckles) I must say, Lisa, it was amusing to see you thoroughly de-high-horsed.
That isn't a word.
Ooh, back on the saddle she climbs.
I just can't believe someone like you would be a Republican.
I mean, isn't your last name Gutiérrez? Just what exactly are you saying? I'm just saying that people of your heritage-- which could be any one of many heritages, I'm not pigeonholing Is it a Catholic thing? I'm a non-observant Jew from Argentina.
Ay, caramba! Do you even know what that means? Uh, there-there's a caramba in my eye? It's the Spanish version of "hot damn.
" Ay, caramba! Hmm? Lisa, is everything okay? Yes.
Why? Because you're doing your homework and you don't look happy.
(groans) My new best friend isn't what I thought.
She's a Republican! (laughs) What is so funny? They're destroying the world! They are, huh? I thought I'd show you this when you were older, but (gasps) You voted for Reagan?! MARGE: It was a crazy time, the '80s.
You don't hear me listening to the Thompson Twins anymore.
Although (tape warbles) Hold me now (humming along) So, you were going through a phase? Mm-hmm.
All right, '80s party! Where's the beef? Tear down that wall! Because I think the beef is behind that wall! Hmm.
Hmm.
You say I'm a dreamer Now get up here, boy! We're gonna do "The Super Bowl Shuffle.
" No! You never let me be Mike Singletary! Fine.
You're Mike Singletary.
Enjoy your mediocre coaching career.
My name is Homer, I'm a real fullback Gonna run that ball, don't want no flack If you try to run, you'll get a heart attack Why you little! Hey, big man, don't want no trouble I'm just here to do "The Super Bowl Shuffle" Excuse me.
(grunting) People's views change.
Bobby Kennedy worked for Joe McCarthy.
Larry David was on Fridays.
What are you trying to say? Isabel's only eight.
As she grows up, surprising things will happen to her body of beliefs.
But she could always use a friend like you.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Isabel? Lisa? Listen, I'm really sorry about No, it's okay.
My mom says you're just going through a liberal phase.
What?! My mom says you're going through a conservative phase.
There's no such thing.
Conservatives only get more conservative.
Because every year, they get a little further through Atlas Shrugged.
Listen, we're both eight years old.
Can't we just play Monopoly or something? My father owns a monopoly! (whirring) That young filly is exactly the kind of candidate we need to start recruiting! She's a young, dynamic Latina.
Yee-haw! I said that just right! Without the Hispanic vote, even Texas is poised to turn blue.
Blue! Yeah, we must reach her and groom her before she fattens up like Chris Christie.
He thinks GOP stands for "Gravy on Pancakes.
" (laughter) But despite my mirthful remarks, obesity is no laughing matter.
(chuckles) Just can't resist those words, "sign-up sheet.
" Oh, looks like I'll be running against Isabel.
And Ralph? Just call me Ralph Nader.
I don't know why.
Isabel! I want this campaign to be about the issues: same-sex field trip buddies, providing class pets with a path to citizenship And no digging up past relationships.
Sure, Lisa and I dated.
Sure, she broke my heart.
I'm sure your researchers know all about it.
This is the first I've heard of it.
Really? But I got this! Ew.
How long has it been since you washed your stomach? You can't ask that anymore! (chuckles nervously) Quit shoving! I'd like a word with you, young lady.
How did you get in there? Slid in through the grates.
Here's the scoop.
You're our future, so we can't afford to have you lose.
And I love the Spanish-- from the Inquisition to the delightful Franco years.
What are you talking about? Move over! I know how to talk to kids.
We want to give you a little present.
A tainted victory that will haunt you forever.
I'd rather do this myself.
But who'd own you then? You couldn't buy me with a wheelbarrow full of ice cream.
Whoa, nicely done.
You've charmed another one right into the arms of the Libertarian Party.
Maybe we can help her without her knowing we're helping her.
No one says I can't buy a second grade election.
Why, I had enough money to fix People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.
Most of the money went to convincing them that I was alive.
Who ordered the Yumboni? Right here! Now, Smithers, I want you to eat this for me.
Describe every taste.
And don't forget the brain freeze.
Sir, I am lactose-intolerant.
And I'm back-talk-allergic! So start eating! (groans) Have a great day, kids.
And, Bart, I'll pick you up after school to take you to karate lessons.
Mom, after six weeks, I figured out that Sensei Weinstein is really my psychiatrist.
Either way, for 45 minutes, you're not my problem, sweetie.
(horn honking) (gasps) Don't worry, Lisa, despite the paid ad, I am strictly middle of the road.
Idiot! (horns honking) Pick a lane! (tires screech) Wha?! What are you doing?! I'm as bewildered as you are.
I don't know why, but the Springfield Republican Party is grooming me.
Grooming? Yuck! Unfortunately, I can't stop it.
The Supreme Court says spending money is free speech.
Well, then you could use your free speech to denounce this intrusion of big money into our election.
Mm, I'll think about it while I'm on my listening tour of the cafeteria.
(slurring): Pour me another.
What are you doing? It's imaginary.
Fine.
I got to go.
I'll see you later.
(humming a tune) (grunting) Ay, caramba! Bart, I need you to help me win the election.
I can help, but it's gonna get rough.
I'm fine with rough.
You don't know what rough is.
That ain't rough.
More like a gentle breeze.
Maggie hits harder.
Did the good night pixie just kiss my cheek? Ow! Okay, you got my attention.
You want to win this election? Then from now on, you do exactly what I say.
You got it.
First, go make me five pans of brownies.
You're just taking advantage of the situation.
Hmm, maybe Isabel likes baking.
Cakey or gooey? I'll make both.
First, we reel them in.
Then, we scare the hell out of them.
By discussing the school's budget crisis? No, with balls to the head.
(blows whistle) Bombardment! I associate Isabel with a pain in my tummy.
Bombardment? (groans) Miss Simpson, your platform calls for the creation of a student-run garden.
Organic gardening is an essential part of 21st century education, teaching both hands-on And what programs would you cut to pay for this precious garden of yours? The new Wiffle bats? Pizza Friday? (gasps) Not Pizza Friday! Sorry, Lisa, you lose again.
(air horn blares) You got to get on your game, sister.
You think I'm tough? Wait till Gutiérrez sinks her teeth into you.
Remember, you got an ace in the hole: chocolate milk in the water fountains.
That's impossible.
We've already had the best plumbers in the city look into it.
Hey, we'll worry about that after you're elected.
(groaning) (whistling) What are you so happy about? It's in the bag, Lis.
Once everybody sees this.
Training wheels.
She still uses training wheels.
(snickers) And watch this.
(crying) Excellent.
What am I doing? Untent! Untent! Oh, Bart, I want to win, but not like this.
I'm sorry, you're fired.
Leave the bottle.
I bet by the end of the night, you're gonna look pretty good.
Welcome to our first in a series of 37 debates-- good Lord-- before the elementary school elections.
You're a booger head! And I say we move beyond name-calling to solve our real problems.
(all booing) Booger head! Vote for whoever you want to.
To me, these are both losers.
Now, the second grade debate between Isabel Gutiérrez and Lisa Simp-a-son.
Sounds weird.
Mm.
ISABEL: Ivy Agee, Frank Marino, Glen Gloyd.
These are men who fought at Omaha Beach.
And they are the reason I'm running for second grade rep.
Dios los bendiga a todos.
(students cheering) I'll bet my bologna sandwich that girl's gonna win.
Oh, a little rich for my blood, sir.
Yes, you can fog a mirror, Seymour, but I wouldn't call you alive.
Now, the other candidate, Lisa Simpson.
Okay, I'm a liberal.
And sometimes that's a dirty word.
(laughter) Liberal.
But what liberal really means is someone who believes that those who have more than enough should share a little with those who don't.
And those principles have consistently been in place during this country's most prosperous times.
So if that's a liberal, then I am a liberal.
And hang me.
(screams) Sorry, we're just setting up for An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge.
(groaning) Ooh.
The Democratic Party pantheon.
Such lofty ideals.
(gasps) And here come the spirits.
Michael Dukakis, Walter Mondale, John Kerry? These are all losers! I'm afraid you're heading for a loss, Lisa.
And when we lose, we lose big.
What about Obama? Harry Truman? Bill Clinton? Lisa, you're a lot like me.
Play the saxophone, come from a small town, raised by a mother with no help.
So, do you know how I can win? I don't even know why I'm a ghost.
All these guys are alive.
John Kerry here is Secretary of State.
Doing a bang-up job.
Well, we still have a long way to go on Asian currency issues.
Absolutely.
And, Lisa, I'm only appearing in this dream so I can visit with you about the Clinton Global Initiative.
See, our mission is to turn ideas into action.
And to find innovative solutions that will hel (snoring) Hey, hey, hey! You can't fall asleep in a dream! (snoring) (groans) I know what I've got to do.
Hello, Isabel? Listen (snores) (groaning) CGI also convenes CGI America, a meeting devoted to economic recovery and job creation.
You used to be fun! Kevin Costner used to be a movie star.
Get over it.
And now for their final debate, please welcome, uh, Li um Li-sa? Li-sa, uh, Simpsone.
Yes.
And, uh, Isabel Adolpho-Guzman-Lopez Gutiérrez.
Uh, ladies.
(grunts) I just want to say, I don't care about politics, electioneering or negative campaigning.
If my friend Lisa wins, so be it.
(speaks Spanish) (cheering) And I also want to say that if Time's up.
But I Stop showboating.
(grunts) Back in the banner shed you go.
SKINNER: Good morning.
We have completed the tally of the votes for class representative.
One brief announcement: the tainted Greek salad has given several students nightmares involving Michael Dukakis.
It may recur tonight, so if possible, have your parents strap you to the bed.
And now the results.
First grade rep-- results delayed indefinitely due to jelly on the ballots.
Second grade rep-- Isabel Gutiérrez.
(grunts) Third grade rep, no votes cast.
Congratulations, Isabel.
Fourth grade rep-- last name Weiner, first name Ima I truly hope you enjoy the Friday morning council meetings.
Simpson! (crying): And the-the free snicker doodle cookies.
Smithers, we won! Drop the balloons! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Can I at least remove the balloons? Do it and you'll kill him.
(groans) Hey, Lis.
Hey.
I'm sorry I fired you.
Eh, no hard feelings.
A lot of good things have been happening to me.
Mm-hmm.
Thanks, Bart.
I think you might feel better if you looked at these exit polls.
They find me a pointy-haired know-it-all.
Yes, but they agreed with everything you said.
What are you getting at? for a liberal.
Just not you.
Huh.
You hear that, world? They love my ideas, just not me! And that is half the battle! Ha! Hello, I'm elder Anderson Cooper.
Welcome to our first debate between Republican Isabel Gutiérrez and Lisa Simpson, representing the Democratic Robot Zombie Coalition.
First question: Ms.
Simpson, what would you do to get America out of Afghanistan? I'd just throw in the towel and make it a state.
That's our girl.
(toots twice) and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!