The Simpsons s25e12 Episode Script

Diggs

(squeals) (exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (electrical buzzing) (Homer grunts) MARGE: D'oh! Stupid fuse.
Mmm! Maggie? Maggie! Maggie? Maggie! Mmm! (honking) Mmm! (groans, growls) (grunts) (honking) (growling) Hmm Maggie? Maggie! Hmm.
Hey! Maggie! And it's for all these reasons and more that the Kingdom of Moab is the least interesting in the Bible.
Amen.
Amen! We're done! Allow me to introduce our guest speaker (Homer groans) from the ill-advised mission in Indonesia, the Reverend Kartawijaya.
(Bart groans) I know how you feel, young man.
Huh? The children in my village are just like you.
One boy, named Sumadi, never comes to church.
He is always tying the monkeys' tails together and yelling, "Tiger is gone," when, in fact, tiger is there.
Hmm! Unfortunately, Sumadi is sick now.
What?! Su-Sumadi has a problem? Sumadi and others equally doe-eyed need urgent medical treatment.
After all, we are all just children of Allah.
I mean God.
Sorry.
Recent convert.
Poor Sumadi.
Born in such a terrible country.
Now, wait a minute.
But good news.
To help him, we will now have a second collection.
(congregation groans) Wasn't our sympathetic nodding enough? Mom, can I have some money? I'm sorry, honey.
I'm all out.
I spent all I had lighting that candle for Great Aunt Betty.
I hope that wasn't somebody's Aunt Betty or something.
Dad, please? For Sumadi? Sorry, son, I only have 20s.
And if God needs money, why doesn't he just write another Bible? The first one sold pretty well.
Does anyone remember when it was considered rude to talk in church? Pipe down, Ned.
Please? All right, son, but you have to pay me back.
(sighs) Life is good.
Do you have my money? What? Do you have my money? How could I? Right, right, too soon.
Do you have my money? (groans) Seriously, do you have my money? Where's my money? Huh? (slurping) Where's my money? Where's my mon ey? It's been a rough patch, man.
Hope you got something to cheer me up.
Well, there is one fun fact I've been saving for an emergency situation.
Did you know there really was a Duncan Hines? Where's my money? Do you have my money? Where is it? You know, if you had the money, I'm right here.
Do you have the money? Money-money-money-money-mon Homer, quit badgering the boy.
Pressure's how you make your beloved diamonds, Marge.
I don't have any diamonds.
Quit pressuring me! Money, money.
I need money! Would you eat anything for money? I guess.
Who are you? School play.
Damn Yankees.
Children of the playground! I will eat anything for money! Except money! I'll give you a quarter if you eat my gum.
I'll give you another if you eat mine.
Here's some orthodontic wax! (lisps): And some cinnamon! Saint-John's-wort! And here's something that'll make you forget about the other stuff.
BART: Ay caramba.
(blubbers) So, what else you got? All right, Simpson.
messed-up enough to eat this.
(laughs) (whimpers) (gasps) No, Bart, no! Do it, and you'll always be known as the kid who ate the dead frog.
(Homer's voice): Where's my money? Get my money! Money-money-money-money-money! (disgusted exclaiming) (slurps, kids exclaim) Easiest money I ever (beeping) Son, by rights, I should be playing banjo at your funeral.
That frog was filled to the gills with formaldehyde, a highly toxic poison.
(chuckles) Here's your money, Dad.
What? Did you owe me some money? And, Homer, here's your bill for $4,000.
D'oh! Where's my money? You got my money? Where's my money? (chuckles) Seriously, where's my money? Ew! It's the kid who ate the dead frog! Herbivore! That's someone who eats plants.
I named the frog Herb.
Even you won't sit with me? Bart, if you sit here, I'll be the boy who sat next to the boy who ate the frog.
And I'm already the boy who shared a comb with a boy who threw up on the boy who wet his pants at the winter carnival.
P.
S.
I would've given you the money.
(groans) (tires screech) (school bell rings) (tires squeal) What's the matter, frog in your throat? You're the ones that paid me to eat it.
All we hear is: ribbit, ribbit! (bird shrieks) (exclaiming) You said this was a simple bullying job! Diggs and Freedom at your service.
Diggs is short for Digby.
Thanks.
I'm the kid that ate the frog.
Oh, so you're the reason I had to dissect a Muppet in biology today.
Thanks for the help, man.
Oh, you're welcome.
At least for me.
There's no way to say what the bird thinks.
Or even if he thinks, really.
Wait, wait, wait! Who the hell are you? I transferred here a few months ago.
To this school? On purpose? Even after Springfield Montessori opened across the street? (gentle classical music plays) That place is really in your face.
I like the lack of attention.
(quietly): Especially in here.
(door creaks softly) This school has a falconry club? No way.
I resuscitated it.
I'm president, secretary treasurer and faculty advisor.
That took a lot of fancy paperwork.
But it was worth it to be left alone.
Can I join? Hmm.
I'll have to check with Freedom.
(loud clink) Habemus Papam! We have a poop! It's white.
You're in.
Looks like the falconry club's back from the dead.
Can the Esperanto Society be far behind? (chuckles): I mean Cu la Esperanto-Societo esti multe malantau? (sighs) Two languages, and somehow no one will talk to you.
Gi estas vera.
Mi tre soleca.
Loser.
The first thing to learn about falcons is how beautiful they are in flight.
(screeches) Don't fret.
He'll be back.
There's my Sky Gramma! (mumbles) Bart's usually first in line for Taco Night, but now he's muy tarde.
(quiet gasp) Oh, is it all right to say "tarde"? Mmm, hey, you've said it twice, Marge-- you're in pretty deep.
Homer! Ten-minutes rules! Lisa! (muffled): What? A rule's a rule.
There he is! (gasps) Ah, he is just riding that thermal! You were right about watching him fly.
I thought you'd get it.
Seat backs and tray tables, Bart.
We're coming in for a landing.
(screeches) Wow, you don't know how impressive that is to a boy whose dad can't even get the dog to sit.
Sit.
Sit.
Sit Sit! (yells): Sit! I don't know what that is, but it's not sitting! Where could Bart be? I saw him heading across the field after school with a kid a little bit older and undoubtedly wiser.
Oh, I know what that means! There comes a time when a boy sneaks his first beer.
Finally! I was beginning to think that kid was a (quietly): teetotaler.
Bart Simpson, at your service.
More like "at your six-pack," am I right? (laughs) It's okay if you need to take a little nap.
Why would I want a nap? Because you're so drunk you can barely keep it together.
I wasn't drinking.
I was learning that nature isn't a complete waste of space.
That doesn't sound like you.
But it does sound like the kind of lie you'd make up after the first time you got blitzed.
I met this kid.
A little older, kind of strange.
I don't think other people get him.
But I just want to hang out with him all the time.
(gasps) It's even better than I thought.
You've found your Moe Szyslak! In just a few short years, you'll be getting your version of baked on your version of pot listening to your version of Journey.
(laughs) Wha? What's he doing? (Freedom cries) Now, when he lands, you'll feed him so he has positive associations with you.
(squawks) Don't worry, he's only bitten off one of my fingers.
(gasps) (laughs) Just goofing on you.
This is the finger he bit off.
If he starts to carry you off, slip out of the glove.
Now tell him to fly.
Fly! Fly! Come on, man! Do the wing thing! (Freedom squawking) I did it! He did it! We did it! Yes, Bart, that is how you conjugate the verb "to do.
" Well done.
Come Saturday morning D'oh! I'm going away with my friend We'll Saturday spend Till the end of the day Hey! Bring back my bling.
Just I and my friend We'll travel for miles In our Saturday smiles Give that back! All I got is a hole in my face! (nasally): Uncle Krusty's back.
(Freedom cries) Whoa! Did you teach him to do that? (laughs) Nobody could communicate that.
Except maybe Gerard Manley Hopkins.
"I caught this morning morning's minion "Kingdom of daylight's dauphin, "Dapple-dawn-drawn Falcon, in his riding "Of the rolling level underneath him steady air, and striding High there, how he rung upon the rein of a wimpling wing.
" Wow! (frog croaks) I've already eaten.
Hey, you want to see something really cool? Is a falcon's training leash called a creance? Yes! (grunts) Say something so I'll know you're not hurt.
I'm really hurt.
Phew! Bartholomew! Good to see you, old sport.
Where's Freedom? Well, my dad said don't bring home any more dogs, cats, turtles or snakes, but he never said anything about predatory birds.
(muffled squawk) (fans cheering) Okay, in your terms, points are like mice (screeches) Don't interrupt.
I just thought it would be nice if we shared an interest.
(Freedom screeches) Ooh GRAMPA: You Korean girls know what a soldier likes.
(squawks) Fine! But the game is much more enjoyable if you understand it.
Look, the Eagles and the Falcons.
Tell me you're not interested in that.
(Freedom screeches) (groans) I could fly, too, if I didn't have a wife and three kids! Hey, you've had a lot of visitors.
No, I signed them myself.
They're people I would've liked to come visit.
BART: Ay, caramba! Listen, what happened in that tree? Um, you want the truth? Of course you do.
You're like Diogenes.
But with slingshot in place of lamp.
I wanted to fly.
I know it sounds a little crazy now, but I suddenly thought maybe we can all fly, but somehow we've forgotten that we can.
You don't still think that, do you? Hey, I'm not flying anywhere with this broken wing.
Bart, here's another doctor that would like a few words with this young man.
This hospital has another doctor? So they're transferring him to another hospital.
Well, I hope he gets out soon and takes his bird back.
I don't care for how it circles the cat.
(cat meowing) He's just riding the thermals from Dad's butt.
At least someone in this family is using them.
I never heard of this new hospital, so I looked it up and printed it out.
Ooh! Can I visit him tomorrow? (sighs) I don't know, Bart.
This is one of those Arkham Asylum-type hospitals.
Diggs isn't cuckoo! Uh, listen, boy.
Maybe you should spend more time with your old best friend.
You know, Dweebler.
Milhouse abandoned me.
So, why can't I go there? Bart, if this is what I think it is, it's not a place we should ever, ever take a little boy.
Then why is Diggs there? Because it's his home forever.
You know, Bart, just because Diggs is a little different doesn't mean he's not a good person.
What would you know about friends like Diggs? I have about eight of them.
So, how do we fix him? Oh, Bart.
Diggs's problems don't have easy fixes.
What kind of cheer-up talk is this? Well, sometimes it helps to know people feel for you.
(chuckles) Want a hug? You hug the bedpost.
Then I hug the bedpost.
That way we never hug each other.
Come Saturday morning I'm going away Hey, Simpson.
I heard bird boy got a new cage.
One with rubber bars.
Yeah, and a rubber perch! Yeah, yeah, and a I get it.
It sucks.
Really sucks.
Rubber birdfeeder.
Making fun of the mentally ill-- real classy.
But you guys were We were what, Captain Sensitive? The rumors of my bonkertude have been greatly exaggerated.
DSM-5 indicates paranoid schizophrenia, but that work is mired in controversy.
Mired.
I knew you'd escape! Were you carried out by a flock of falcons? I got a one-day pass.
Were falcons involved in any way? I obtained the pass to enter the Springfield Falconry Contest, which is what Freedom and I were training for when we first met you.
Oh, great.
Before anything else, let me just get closer to the door and say, "How crazy are you?" I'm fine.
My meds won't wear off till tonight.
Then I'll have Freedom tear you to shreds.
No offense, but when a crazy guy pretends to be crazy, it's not funny.
You're discounting all talk radio.
Excellent.
COMIC BOOK GUY: Fly, my pet, fly! Yes! (falcon cries) Yes, now back to Papa.
Yes.
Why am I not surprised the only sport you do is one where a bird brings you food? Um, a falcon's greatest joy is to serve its master.
(squawks) Fatso! Once again, I must point out that you are not a parrot.
Fatso, fatso! Pees in the shower! (squawks) Shut up.
What are you doing? We're up next.
When Freedom hits the air, you and I open all the cages.
Um with our minds? No.
With this rope.
I'm a messed-up kid.
I'm not Magneto.
ANNOUNCER: Diggs and Freedom.
(all squawking) "In his ecstasy.
Then off, off forth on swing!" Where's my bird going? Wherever he wants.
He's free now.
If you see the stork what brings us babies, kill it! Now, Bart, I'm afraid one-day passes don't last forever.
And I'm probably not going to get another one for quite a while.
Wait! Wh-When will I see you? You can't quit the falconry club! It's all yours, Mr.
President.
Well, I guess some delicate birds are safer in a cage.
I had thought of it as a therapeutic milieu, but now "cage" is stuck in my head, so thanks.
And thanks for being my friend.
Bart, when I pushed you away, I was really pushing away the thought of losing you.
How long did it take you to think that up? Two hours with the therapist.
I'll take that.
She came in on a Saturday.
Missed her kid's karate demonstration.
He was going up a belt.
Enough! Mom, you didn't cook the falcon? Of course not.
It's just duck.
Aw.
Aw.
(munching loudly) Pass the peas, please.
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