The Simpsons s25e13 Episode Script

The Man Who Grew Too Much

(whimpering) Heh.
NARRATOR: Neptune-- eighth planet from the sun.
A mystery now, we hope to have close-up photos from Voyager 2 in 1989.
We do have them! They're my home screen! Miss Hoover, once again, the lesson plan I prepared would have covered this topic much better.
But I can see (rumbling) (whimpers) Miss Hoover? It's Tuesday, Lisa.
Taco Tuesday.
(rumbling continues) (shudders) Huh? Huh? (bell rings) ALL: Taco Tuesday! Taco Tuesday! Taco Tuesday! (quietly chanting): Taco Tuesday, Taco Tuesday (rumbling) Oh, no.
I'm about to become another moppin' statistic.
There's only room for one of us, Ethel.
(music from Titanic playing) (kids laughing) (grunting, yelling) (grunting) (crunching) Bart, that's your sixth taco.
You know, Whitman says, "If anything is sacred, the human body is sacred.
" (mouth full): Fascinating.
Congratulations, boys.
You made it through another Taco Tuesday.
Back in the bucket till next week.
Won't those vegetables go bad? Nope.
They're genetically modified to stay fresh.
Just don't ask how old the Jell-O is.
LISA: Ew.
Overreactor.
org warns that over half of the vegetables sold in this country are genetically modified organisms whose effect on humans is unknown.
Whoa! Mom, you made me overswipe! Your parents' credit card has been charged $20.
(laughs) (gasps) I have to get to the church.
Helen Lovejoy is posting the spring volunteer sign-up sheet.
In five minutes, every good task will be taken.
(tires screech) Dang it! Jasper Beardley! You'll never make it! (low mumbling) (Marge murmuring, smacking lips) No! (low mumbling) (frustrated grunt) (revving engine) Ooh (groans) (low mumbling) (groans) (mumbling) Oh! JASPER: What the hell is this thing? (signal light clicking) Bake sale-- taken.
Candle snuffing-- taken.
Baby shusher, miscellaneous choir support.
Everything's taken! All that's left is Teen abstinence counseling.
You get to pass out abstinence pledges and make sure the kids sign their John Han-bleeps.
(Marge grumbles) But, Ned, saying nay is your thing.
Not this month.
(chuckles) Edna signed us up for a tango class.
It was the only way I could avert (sighs) wine-tasting.
Look, I'm really not comfortable talking about S-E-X with K-I-D-S.
Language.
Oh, it's not that hard.
Just tell them that God wants them to ignore everything in their bodies that God is making happen.
We took the pledge! We won't have sex until we're married! To each other! (both humming a tune) Mm, their skipping lessons are really paying off.
MARGE: Hello.
Hello.
(nervous laugh) I'm-I'm Marge Simpson, and I'm here to talk about a a-a wonderful, beautiful thing.
Speaking of beautiful things, tongue me, babe.
(both grunting) (gasps) How many of you are here for the free cookies? Because we've discontinued that.
(angry chatter) I'm out of here.
Forget you! One of our brightest and most meddlesome students called this meeting-- somehow-- to discuss an urgent menu matter.
Lisa? Our school cafeteria is serving GMOs-- genetically modified organisms.
(people gasping) Now, in order to thoroughly explore the issue, I'd like to play the first video that came up in my Web browser when I typed in "GMO" plus "danger" plus "question mark.
" Hear, hear! MALE NARRATOR: If there's one thing scientists love, it's money.
Money, money, money.
And that's been true of scientists ever since caveman times.
We need look no further back than the ancient Mayans, who crossbred plants and animals in an unholy experiment in what is now a resort that charges $30 a night to valet park.
Once you're there, they've gotcha.
(all gasp) The Mayans didn't listen to themselves.
Yet today, we toy with our fate by using retroviruses to create these so-called "super foods.
" Are we doomed to repeat an event (snaps fingers) that destroyed all human life? The answer is in your mouth! (narrator laughing maniacally) Um, that video seemed a little unscientific.
My name is Jenny McCarthy, and I endorse this tirade.
Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought.
Everybody wait here while I do some actual research.
Nobody form any opinions while I'm gone.
Well, hurry, we have no minds of our own.
I say we do not categorically ban genetically modified organisms.
ALL (gasping): What?! Well, GMOs are resistant to pests, disease and drought.
It's just possible that GMOs can actually end world hunger.
I say, let's get these GMOs inside our children pronto! Way ahead of you! (people whooping, shouting) I'm eating the food of the future.
(robotically): Beep, boop.
What is love? Boop, beep, boop.
Lisa, I'd like to thank you for mollifying these land apes.
We'd like you and your family to visit us at the Monsarno research campus.
Ooh, campus! Do you have a statue of the founder I can stick a funny hat on? Go, go, go! (giggling) WOMAN: Simpsons, we're trying to change the world one molecule at a time.
Sounds like that would take a while.
Ooh, you're right.
Everyone, three molecules at a time.
(others grumbling) Oh, you got to be kidding me! (exasperated sigh) I'll be home late, honey.
Yeah.
Three molecules now.
Well, it's nice to see for once a corporation that does good work and cares about people.
Yes, Lisa, we finally put to bed the silly notion that our company is in any way evil.
Now, say hello to our chief scientist.
(door creaks) (all scream) SIMPSONS: Sideshow Bob! Dr.
Sideshow Bob.
Real doctor or PhD? PhD.
All right, I'll leave you and Bob in this locked room to get reacquainted.
(bolt clacks) Simpsons, there's no need for alarm.
That's not for you to suck! Now where was I? Right.
Uh, no need to worry.
I'm still technically shawshanking it at Springfield Penitentiary.
This is getting boring.
Either murder us or tell us how you got here.
Very well.
The inanity of the vanity license plate puns was slowly driving me mad.
So when Monsarno Labs asked for experimental subjects, I gladly volunteered.
My job was to make sure the experiments wouldn't be too painful for the test monkeys.
(zapping) (screaming) (flame whooshes) I don't know what we're doing here.
Uh, we'll pick it up after lunch.
(quiet chattering) (zapping) (Sideshow Bob screaming) I wrote up my results and went from subject to scientist.
BART (laughs): Look at me! I'm Sideshow Bob! (shrieks) Sideshow Bob! Foolish boy! That's phosphoric acid! A mere sip would have dissolved a hole in your stomach the size of a silver dollar.
Yakety, yakety, yak.
"The spotted hawk accuses me, he complains of my gab.
" "I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable.
" Walt Whitman.
Leaves of Grass.
Very good.
Lisa, you always were the one rose petal floating atop the cesspool that is the Simpsons.
HOMER: Well! BART: That's mean.
(clack, creaking) (giggles): Oh If you're done, our chief scientist has to get back to work.
Our corn on the cob has become self-aware.
Wait! Wait! Won't you visit me again? Let me show you I really am trying to make a better world.
Lisa, we can talk Walt Whitman.
And, Homer, I think you'd enjoy the company of the campus' lazy, overfed squirrels.
"Overfed"? I don't know this word.
(crickets chirping) (Marge chomping, grunting) Visit me, Lisa.
We can discuss poetry, fine art, and and if we must, jazz.
Mom, can I visit Sideshow Bob? Why would you want to do that? He's tried to kill us! You.
He tried to kill you.
And I refuse to concede a mind that thinks so much like mine can be all bad.
Don't you think the parts that aren't evil are a little, mm pretentious? Absolutely.
We're talking about Lisa, right? Shut up! You shut up! This is the pinnacle of conversation around here! Fine, I'll take you.
They have this cool psych class at the campus I sat in on.
(whispers): Uh, that was a sexual harassment seminar.
It doesn't matter-- I'm taking it pass-fail.
Blowing off steam in the crafts room, Marge? No! I'm not giving up on reaching those kids, and I might just have a secret weapon.
Mm-hmm.
Is it finger puppets? MARGE: Maybe! Well, we haven't had finger puppets in this church since Reverend Brogan was arrested.
But I suppose enough time has passed.
And that's why Nancy No is the most popular girl in Promiseville High.
Mm.
I prefer the modern thinking of Yolanda Yes.
And I think I'd have a shot with Mabel Maybe.
(laughter) I'm so tired of those kids sniggering.
MARGE: Uh-oh.
It's Horndog Hank.
Well, Nancy knows how to keep him away.
(material creaking) Darn it, they're stuck.
(Marge groans) (Marge sighs) Um, can I take one of those girl puppets home? I won't do nothin' to it.
MARGE: Oh! You say modified tomato I say modified tomahto I say engineered potato, you say engineered potahto Potato! Potahto! Tomato! Tomahto! BOTH: Let's splice some DNA! (laughs) (chuckles) That is my first non-evil laugh in years.
Bob, there's one thing I got to know.
Are you plotting revenge? I don't plot revenge anymore.
It's like love.
If it happens, it happens.
Now, how about those s'mores? (creak, whoosh) Dad! You already ate all the chocolate bars.
That's why I got to get the marshmallows down fast.
(crickets chirping) I like how they cut them down from 140 characters to a more manageable Oh, another seminar tomorrow.
I just wish I could connect with those teenagers, since it seems like we'll never have any.
(chuckling): Oh, Marge, teens can't control their urges.
It's why there's never been a teenage president.
Are you saying I'm wasting my time? No.
I'm saying you're wasting everyone's time.
But it's a church thing, so that's a given.
Oh.
Well, then maybe I need to give those kids a better example.
Good night! MARGE: Shut your eyes.
They're too bright.
HOMER: Sorry.
(birds singing) Kids, today, we have a very special guest-- my husband.
I brought Homer here to show that we can, and have, abstained for two whole days.
Two days? That's all? That means, three days ago, the two of you made the blob with two backs! Listen, you punks, if you can't handle the image of our naked bodies in the tender act of a-oo-ga, you should never have come to the basement of this holy place.
Ugh! He's touching her! They're practically doin' it here! Ugh! (sexy purring) (both moaning) I'll sign the pledge! Just get your fat heaving buttocks out of my head! Never! (tires squeak) All right, Bob, you've created 5,000 patents, so one hour of freedom.
But remember, your every move will be watched by these unarmed docents.
That block's gonna need its own ticket.
I have a family membership.
Well, if that's your kid, kiss it.
(groans) Mmm.
(makes loud kissing sound) (wheels squeaking) What next? Proto-Cubists? (with French accent): The Pointillists? Or the alleged art of Itchy and Scratchy? Ooh, ooh, I like the Impressionists.
The boy bands of the art world.
But for you, Lisa, I shall face the Renoir with sangfroid.
Warmer.
Calder.
Warmer.
Warmer.
Calder.
Calder.
Calder! That's using your $300,000 M.
F.
A.
To the Calder mobile! Ugh! Bob, you saved me! But how did you get the strength? Calder's work in this period was marked by heavy use of sheet metal painted to look deceptively airy.
Well put.
Thank you.
(laughs) Answer the question.
Well there is something I should have told you.
You see, it occurred to me that if I can genetically modify fruits and vegetables, why can't I modify me?! You've been changing your DNA?! Well, at first, just a peptide here and there.
Carrot for my presbyopia, Brahma bull for strength, and a touch of corn for highlights on my hair.
So how strong are you? (wind whipping) Figurines.
Get your porcelain figurines.
Now, how about those Impressionists? I but we sang Gershwin together! Well, rhapsody in boo-hoo.
Do you know why we came to the museum today? Well, I thought it was because it was Tote Bag Day.
Well, that was part of it, but the biggest part was that! Washington's backbone, Einstein's eyebrows.
Florence Nightingale's tenacity, though I'll have to clip around her moral fiber.
(gasps) You're going to take DNA from these historical figures and add it to your own! I shall be the wisest and strongest maniac ever to bring the blessings of dictatorship to the world! BART: Jig's up, Bob! Return the spear to the Homo erectus.
(laughing): Homo erectus? Where has that word been all my life? Now, Bart, I promised I wouldn't hurt you.
You did that for me? More for Mom, but yes.
But beware, I have DNA in me from Ophiocordyceps unilateralis, better known as zombie ant fungus! And we're scared of that because? What I am saying is, I could be tipped into a murderous rage by the slightest provocation.
Could you take a picture of me with my family? Mm-hmm.
Oh, would you take another for safety? Oh, I think my eyes were shut in that one.
(groaning) Now, can you take one with my husband's camera? They're all ugly because you're in them! Oh.
(children cry) Taste Praxiteles of Athens! (yelling) (moos) (panting) (phone rings) Uh, Chief, we got a report of a disturbance at the Met.
We got bigger problems, Lou.
Horny teens who should be out having bad sex, but instead somebody made them take an abstinence pledge, by the looks of it.
I don't get it.
There are taboos about premarital sex in the Middle East, and you don't see those people getting all violent.
(panting) (panting) You can't escape me! I've got grasshopper thighs and the sonar of a killer whale! (making whale sounds) (loud panting) (gasping) Uh, Bob, you can't kill us without a little singing, right? A little singing? If there's one thing he did not have to genetically enhance, it's his voice.
Non piu andrai, farfallone amoroso (tires screeching) How dare you torture my children with Mozart! Ah, you know Mozart? I call all music Mozart! We're here to stop you with the help of the teenage abstinence class! If you defeat this madman, I'll release you from your pledge and teach you other fun ways not to get pregnant.
I think I might be pregnant already.
Well, that's one of 'em.
(all grunting and yelling) (groaning) Python jaw unhinge! Aah! I don't want to die in some old dude's mouth! (sobbing) Bob, would you look at yourself?! (mumbles) To quote Whitman, "This is what you shall do: "love the earth and sun and animals, despise riches, stand up for the stupid and crazy" (mumbles) Who am I kidding? My only exit is a final one.
What?! No! Farewell, Simpsons.
And, Lisa, when you're older, write an autobiographical novel trashing the rest of them.
How veiled? Thinly! (wind whipping, grunting) (chicken clucking sound) Now, don't worry.
Your friend will always be part of our drinking water.
(water gurgling) Oh, right, I gave myself gills.
(water gurgling) (groaning) (tango music playing) I told you, the only dancing I like is square.
Hey, I let you pay for those boys' skipping lessons.
Okay.
Ooh! Ned! Ha! Sure do miss that laugh.
Ha, ha! I miss her, too.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!