The Simpsons s25e14 Episode Script

The Winter of His Content

(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (game buzzes) D'oh! (Bart laughs) (Homer screaming) (both giggling) MARGE: Whoa! HOMER: What the? (Homer laughs) Mmm, mail.
Oh, "urgent notice.
" Hmm.
If it's not final, who cares? (toy squeaks, siren whoops) DOLL: Donkey! HOMER (muffled): There you go.
(both moaning) (frustrated grunt) (glass shatters) (phone rings) (both giggling) If it's important, they'll call back.
(phone continues ringing) LISA: Mom! Dad! The retirement home lost its license and Grampa has nowhere to live! BOTH: D'oh! Oh! That man can't remember anything except our number! (sighs) Get in the car, Dad.
Look who's here, the big dummy! You do know I'm a doctor now.
Yeah! M.
D.
! Major Dummy! Grampa, what happened? This place is unlivable.
My contract clearly promised "barely livable.
" Yeah, well, we're closing down Codger Stadium here until they fix up their violations.
And there are a lot of 'em.
Mannequin nurses.
Like I said, lot of violations.
Oh! I guess Grampa's coming home with us.
Unless what about that nice dog boarding place? The really good one, where they each have their own dog partner.
No kennels! You're right.
Bad idea, bad idea.
Should we just, you know, drive by and take a look at the place? (groans) Bad idea.
Bad.
When are your relatives going to be here? Can I be honest with you? They're not.
We're all alone in this world.
All I have left is a phone message from my late wife.
Pick up the phone, big shot! I know you're there! You're both coming home with us.
You mean it? Mm-hmm.
Ah, just let me say good-bye to my girlfriend.
Don't get fat.
Honey, Grampa is the closest thing I have to a father, and I love him, but three octogenorous? Homie, Homie, we'll be old someday.
(laughs) Speak for yourself.
Glug-glug-glug.
Chomp-chomp-chomp.
(gasps) Beep (laughs) My lifestyle is my retirement plan.
Oh! And don't forget my ripple.
You're not taking your ripple.
Without ripple, I never would have had you.
Ripple's your real daddy.
(chuckles) This is gonna be a swell flophouse, sister.
So, where should we park our pills? What pills? Aah! (laughs) Don't worry, Marge.
It's childproof.
Oh, oh Homer, how are we doing with those cots? (grunts) Uh come on, boy.
Your job is to guide me.
Well, I really think you should watch your temper.
I mean down the stairs, you stupid kid! Stupid kid? Do you really think that's the way we should communicate? You just want to see your old man trip and fall.
Well, sorry to disappoint you, lad, but What the? D'oh! D'oh! Ooh! Not what I was hoping for, but it'll do.
(cackles) Okay, boys, shower up.
And I better hear some towels snapping.
Muntz, what is wrong with you? Now, you get undressed in front of everyone that's staring at you.
(all gasp) (gasps) Is that women's underwear? My mom can't afford to buy me clothes, so I wear her hand-me-downs.
(sobs) (children laughing) Muntz, there's a kind of poverty that toughens you up, but this is sad.
(children laughing) Hey, leave him alone.
I, too, know the pain of hand-me-down underwear.
My dad buys the underpants gorillas wear during monkey shows.
So if you're gonna laugh at Nelson, laugh at me, too.
Simpson, I won't forget this.
From now on, you and I are as tight as whiteys.
(all passing gas) (gasping and groaning) (electrical buzz) (groans) (electrical buzz) (gasps) (electrical buzz) (laughs) (yells) (screams) (groaning) (whimpers) (screams) (bell rings) (laughing) I've had it up to here with those freeloading wrinkle bags.
They pee all night, they cry all day, and every time they use Aah! Dad, did it ever occur to you that we're learning how to take care of you when you're older by watching the way you treat Grampa? Have you seen how he treats my grampa? Never visits him.
Never even acknowledges his existence.
Your grampa's alive? Oh, yeah.
Okay Well, can you please be nicer to our grampa? For me? I love Grampa.
You may not realize it, but he's a treasure.
GRAMPA: Keep it down in there, you jabbermouths! I'm trying to watch C-SPAN2.
Please? Okay.
(laughs) You know, I love him, too.
In a manly way.
That never shows itself.
Now, we're going to need three hearing aid batteries, all different and hard to get.
And this has to be in the fridge, next to the butter.
And the butter has to be open.
Oh, I'll see what I can do.
I can handle them from now on, Marge.
Gentlemen, I've been thinking.
My glorious youth and beauty won't last forever.
Someday, when the leaves have turned and the moon has broken apart into chunks of floating cheese, I will be old.
What's your point, pound cake? I'm hoping we can find a way to coexist.
What did he say? He wants to see if ghosts exist.
Ooh, they do.
My Uncle Bill is here right now.
Oh, Bill, Bill, I'm so sorry I wasn't a very good ladder holder.
That's all right.
Enough about that.
Did the clock ever get wound? This can only be good.
This family's had a lot of hoods put over their heads.
Uh, Chief, something about that looks fishy.
Aw, Lou, you got a suspicious mind, you know? You remind me of that Elvis song.
Uh, uh, "Clambake.
" You know, 'cause you open your yap when things get hot.
"Clambake.
" JIMBO: All right, take off his hood.
Where am I? Our secret place.
The empty swimming pool from the country club that closed down rather than let women in.
(coyote howls) Now, enter the stolen bicycle graveyard.
We've decided to make you an honorary bully.
Bestow upon him the necklace of unknown retainers.
Um thanks, but I'm not sure I want to be a bully.
It's too late.
You've seen our faces.
(long grunt) Wow, never had breakfast at 6:00 in the morning before.
I love yakking at the manager while he's trying to unlock the door.
Now we'll talk about dead people you never met while we get a little exercise.
(Homer sighs) When does the exercise start? This is it.
Yeah, we're mall-walking.
Oh, my God.
This counts as exercise? I'm barely moving and I'm smelling Cinnebun.
Sometimes you have to wait till you're 38 to discover who you really are.
I'm a 79-year-old man.
Son, welcome to the club.
Now, say something pathetic.
Uh, okay, um Oh, I can't.
That's my boy.
I-25.
What letter? "I.
" What number? What game? Bingo! Damn it! Who's the icebox pie, Abe? Your younger brother? My son-- but he's taken.
Well, I'm not surprised-- the way he tears into corn on the cob.
Now, Mildred, he's a married man.
You can't see the ring because his finger's too fat.
Join the party, Abe-- there's plenty of room in my bed once they take the railings down.
I said beat it! For the time being.
Now, Homer, you stay away from those red-door hoochies.
They're just trying to get a chicken dinner out of you.
Hmm.
Well, thanks for the chicken dinner.
How did you know I wanted one? (chuckles) All you gals like chicken dinners, Marge.
Don't call me a gal.
Makes me feel like I'm your mother.
(shivers) I better turn up the heat.
It's 82 degrees.
Huh? Are you wearing sock garters? Young lady, in my day Your day is my day! We're the same age! (gasps) You're turning into your father.
(Grampa-like sputtering) You won't feel so bollixed once my Social Security checks start coming! They're not coming for another 29 years.
(gasps) Did your ear lobes get longer? Falsies.
(owl hooting) (cell phone chimes) Whoa.
A tweet from Chester! Who's Chester? "Who's Chester"? Just the most legendary bully of all.
They say he once wedgied a kid in half.
Whoa.
He's calling a bully summit for next Saturday night.
Hey, isn't that the same night the U.
S.
figure skating finals are on? They've been promoting it like hell! Excuse us, we're looking for owls.
Screech or hoot? Either one's fine.
That was an order! (hooting) Screech! Screech! Where's the Lord of the Fries? Actually, Homer got up early to count and sort pills.
Then he called the police when a Frisbee landed on our lawn.
Then he went to the drugstore for an egg cream, but he only brought a nickel.
I didn't mind that he grew bald.
I didn't mind that he got fat.
I didn't mind that he got fatter.
But no one told me he'd get older than me.
Oh (sniffles) Say it, honey-- you're no longer attracted to him.
Maybe.
It's on tonight, and everyone who ever took anyone's lunch money is there.
DEEJAY (over speakers): All you boppers going to the park tonight, make sure you're not packin'.
We don't want any "accidents.
" BART: Ay, caramba.
How'd you babies get here? Did your mommy bring you? Yes.
WOMAN: Nelson! I might have to move the trailer house while you're gone.
Look for me downhill.
I ain't got much gas.
Smell you later.
Hey, my old weasels! How's Shelbyville Elementary? Not bad, not bad.
We've ruined picture day three years in a row.
(both grunt) CROWD (chanting): Chester! Chester! They say the day of the bully is over.
Popular music condemns us.
Documentary filmmakers expose our craft.
And cyber-bullying has taken away the warmth of human punching.
But I say to you, the day of the bully has just begun! Can you dig it?! Hey, why are you doing this? Because I don't want to sit around like Prince Charles waiting for the queen to die! Can you dig it?! (crowd cheering, shouting) NELSON: Ooh, I can totally dig it.
(grunts) Chester's been shot! (high-pitched scream) (panicked yelling) This kid did it! His sling is still warm! Get that boy! And his friend, the kid with the lady's underpants! How does everyone know? DEEJAY: To all you boppers out there, be on the lookout for a sling-daddy who took down our main man Chester.
This is KBLY, your source for bully news, weather and sports.
by money taken from nerds.
I can't believe you did that, Bart.
I don't even want to sit on the same side of this car with you.
I'm just doing it for balance.
I didn't shoot him! Oh, yeah? Well, why'd you bring your slingshot? I don't know.
I feel naked without it.
DOLPH: Yeah, I get that.
That's how I feel about my eyebrow ring.
The only way out is on the subway, past everyone else's territory.
We'll just have to wait it out here until we (all yelling) We're gonna have to jump for it! (grunts) No! I lost my flip-flop! Just keep moving! (flip-flop flapping) Oh.
Well, well, well.
Looks like youse and me may be up here for a while, huh? (fake yawn) (sighs): There.
Yippee! Aw, damn it! I just had to get her parkour lessons for her birthday.
You'll have to get past the S.
A.
T.
Preppers! I didn't say to begin.
(roaring gibberish) DEEJAY: Word on the street is that the S.
A.
T.
Preppers failed the test.
The Springfield bullies are still at large.
That's right, yeah, so, uh, give yourselves up.
Um, if I put on the radio, can I hear myself? (click, electronic feedback) (echoing over speakers): Wow.
That's crazy.
Whoo, whoo.
Hello, Lou.
I only have a-pennies.
Uno due (groans) (all gasp) For Springfield! (honking repeatedly) Save yourselves! Today we are all Nelson Muntz.
ALL (sadly): Haw, haw.
Springfield.
We're safe.
I'm gonna kiss the ground.
Loser! You're gay for the ground.
Well, you're gay for homophobia.
Wow.
You just made me gay for tolerance.
(bottles clinking) (singsongy): Bul-lies come out to play-ay Bul-lies come out to play-ay Oh, no! He's got three bottles! (singsongy): Clinky, clinky I know a place that serves an early early bird breakfast.
Steak and eggs for 50 cents, and it was 40 years ago.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
Ah Oh, my God! I know that kid! We got to help him.
Oh, I'd love to, but, uh, I'm sure that it's some sort of a holiday for me.
Fine! Your generation did its part when it won World War II and created The Rockford Files.
I got this one.
(groaning) It's so hard running in sand.
No! No! I can't be old yet.
I won't let the ravages of time catch up with me till I'm 52! (grunts) Ow! Ow! No! (panting) Um, I've never really been in a fight.
(sobbing) Now, let's go home, son.
How did I get here? (passionate kissing, moaning) Ooh, what's your hurry? We got ten minutes between the kids falling asleep and the old guys waking up.
(gasps) Go, go, go! GRAMPA: I hear smooching! Somewhere out on that horizon Out beyond the neon lights I know there must be something better But there's nowhere else in sight In the city Oh, oh.
Shh!