The Simpsons s25e17 Episode Script

Luca$

(crow squawks) (The Simpsons' theme playing in 8-bit audio) (crackling) Yeah, how ya doin'? (explosion thunders) (snoring loudly) (tires screech, horn honks) H-Hey, what? Oh! Oh, cleats! (sighs) Homie, what happened? Uh maybe some easy-listening music will make you feel better about the story.
Turn on 89.
9.
(Marge grumbles) (easy listening music playing) Like most of my problems, it all started at Moe's CARL: All right, so the rules are every time the news guy says "senator," we got to take a drink.
Huh.
It'll be nice to let someone else decide when I drink-- too much pressure.
(new theme playing) (quietly): Uh, yeah, Channel Six tip line? I just caught two senators doin' it in the alley.
And me? I'm just a reliable source.
Not "sauce," "source.
" Source! S-A-U-R-C-E! We have heard from a very reliable sauce news involving multiple senators.
I'm going to read a list of senators, with possibly more senators to be named later by other senators: Senator Abercrombie, Senator Billingsley, Senator Beaumont (snickers) Hmm? Oh, damn, the plaster's flaking again.
HOMER: Once intoxicated, we had a great idea.
Hey! Swings! (laughing): I'm a kid again! (laughing) Oh gah I'll save you! (grunts) (grunting) Oh, the only way out is in! Hey, look at me! I'm going up a slide! BOTH (chanting): Homer! Homer! Best recess ever! (shouts) (clang) Whoa.
(gasps) Help me, guys! Guys? (grunting) Don't worry, Homer, I'll call the cops! I'll write my senator.
Senator! Senator! Oh, am I gonna die on a playground, like some uncoordinated child? But I did learn something from all this: the sprinklers in this park come on at 3:00 a.
m.
Hey, thanks for throwing the ball back.
Really.
(sighs) I'll come back with the fire truck.
I just have to get the kids to school first.
Oh, are the kids with you? LISA: Hi, Dad.
BART: Homer.
Hey, guys! Why are you ducked-down like that? BART: Don't want to be seen with you when you're hitting bottom.
LISA: At least we hope it's bottom.
Don't worry, it's bottom, all right.
(grunts) (Marge groans) BART: And that's why I was tardy today.
And with that tardiness, you have at last crossed the boundary where I can legally apply physical discipline.
Willie, cut me a switch! What about the one your ma used on you? It, uh, broke on my buttocks.
Serves you right for eating jam straight out of the jar.
Damn it! That's not even a swivel chair.
Skate, skate as fast as you can.
But I'll catch you-- I'm the Principal Man! That's the kind of education you're missing.
(car backfiring) Oh, no.
Uphill.
The one place my car can't go.
(gears grinding) (steam hissing) Uh, would you like a quote? Uh, yes.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
" Oscar Wilde.
Uh, P.
S.
Your car is totaled.
Whew! Safe.
JAILBIRD: Oh, not totally.
Whoa! What-what are you doing in here? Hiding from the cops.
Well, I can't have cops sniffing around here.
Some of them might be girls.
Can't I just stay a little? I only committed this robbery to help my kid.
See, this is Jeremy.
I need to get him braces.
I always thought that if I'd had braces, I'd have smiled more.
Hey, I bet you have a great smile.
Huh? Ay, caramba! Bart, Bart, we're in whatchamacallit a pursuit! So why'd you come here? I run a respectable tree house.
Just wondering if you've seen anything.
Uh, word is you'll, uh you'll snitch for candy.
You can't buy me with a candy bar that has coconut.
Then maybe this is more your neighborhood.
Nice real estate.
You got a deal.
So, what do you know? I saw a guy with a gun and a snake tattoo say he was gonna hide out on top of Mount Springfield.
Mount Springfield, eh? Strap on your crampons, boys! Eddie! Prepare my litter! Lou, you are responsible for my oxygen, food, water and cleaning! You have to clean me.
I clean you.
Yeah.
Dude, thank you.
Why did you save me? We outlaws have to stick together.
Outlaw? You? Stolen bowling shoes, and this "cage" for my pet.
Oh.
What do you feed him? My A.
D.
D.
meds.
(trilling) (chuckles) Um, listen, would you like two tickets to the school musical? My son plays the butcher.
In Fiddler on the Roof.
I'm busy that night.
Yeah, lucky you.
(indistinct chatter) (grunting) Huh? (gagging) (gasps) Are you okay? Don't put more in there! (choking): Going for the record.
(choking) What record? Stupidest death? Aah! (grunting) Blagh! Merci beaucoup! Oh, well, you're very wel That's French for "hello.
" Actually, I think it Lucas Bortner, competitive eater.
A fat kid with a dream? I can't compete with that.
What does a competitive eater eat? All the glamour foods: pizza, boiled eggs, chicken wings and the big enchilada, which is not enchiladas but hot dogs.
is the current record.
As the great Kobayashi says, "Detekurutoki itaiyo.
" What does that mean? "That's gonna hurt coming out.
" Is Kobayashi the number one, um, uh The correct term is "gurgitator.
" I won't be using the correct term then.
Virtually everyone uses his technique: Japanesing.
Shall I demonstrate? Um, why don't I just go sit alone Oh, you're doing it.
Ready, set Japanese! (choking) (grunting, groaning) That's not going down.
(gagging) This happens from time to time.
Maybe this isn't the sport for you.
It's not a sport.
It's my life.
LISA: Aw, he's sweet.
(chuckles) What am I doing? He's just Ralph with a dream.
The dream of not ralphing.
But I'm sure I could totally change and fix him.
Can I join you for lunch? Um, sure.
How many whole pizzas would you like? Um, can I just have a slice? Interesting technique.
(chuckles) BART: Whoa.
You didn't tell me you had a PlayStadium 4! It's the first I've seen it.
Something's fishy, Bart.
Where's the gift receipt? Where's the packet of desiccant that says "Do not eat"? And, believe me, you shouldn't.
I have a feeling this PlayStadium was liberated from its previous owner and given to me in gratitude.
Liberated? You mean "stolen"? You can't spell "crime" without "me.
" C-R-I (gasps) There it is, at the end! (doorbell rings) Oh, hi.
Is-is Lisa home? Yes, she is.
And who are you? Lucas.
It's pronounced "Luca-dollar.
" That's my competition name.
I'm a competitive eater.
HOMER: Competitive eater? Did I hear right? I could be a competitive eater? No! You didn't hear anything! Yes, I did! I heard "competitive eater"! It's for people who haven't had heart problems.
Then that makes me the Jackie Robinson of the sport, and you are the racist Philadelphia manager.
Quit comparing me to Ben Chapman.
I will when you open your mind to change! Oh! So, what should we practice: um, Vienna sausage; blueberry pie, short form; oatmeal, long course; freestyle baked beans; catfish-- ooh! Cow brains.
Beans, beans! We'll do beans.
Hmm.
Never saw the pork eat the beans before.
(both laugh) Actually, I'm a little surprised Lisa likes him.
Really! Justin Blobber over there doesn't remind you of anyone? $800 to cut me out of that slide?! It's all about the money with those firemen.
Women marry their fathers, Marge.
So you just might be meeting your future "ton-in-law.
" (both laughing) Ton-in-law.
God bless us.
(gasps) You can do better.
(Homer snoring) MARGE: My sisters are nuts.
I'm happy being married to Homer.
Most of the time.
(groans) (barking) Ooh! What the? (sighs) (Rossini's "The Thieving Magpie" playing) (slurps) (yelling) Meep, meep! (descending whistle) (gunshot) Hmm Maybe you're not cut out for competitive eating.
Are you calling me not fat? No, I'm just I Maybe you just haven't found the right food, huh? How 'bout ice cream? Yes! I will lay some hurt on that cream.
Oh, my God! Brain freeze! Oh, my God.
Kick me in the head till I pass out.
Harder! I'm still conscious! You must kick me harder.
Okay, honey, I made you pork chops just like you like 'em.
Twenty.
Thanks, babe.
Sorry you had to drop out of college to feed me full-time.
Now give us a kiss.
(Lisa screaming) (gasps deeply) What the? Oh, yawn.
Another freebie.
Better be a 64 gig.
Huh? It's full of lame apps: Bully Avoider, Nosebook, Insta-Grandma.
This was stolen from Milhouse! From my backpack.
Where Puppy Goo-Goo sleeps.
Maybe it's time to tell me exactly what's going on.
Relax.
Listen to the music of this bubble game.
(gentle music plays) So peaceful.
No! I won't let this go! It's time you told me how you've been getting all this stuff.
(sighs) I helped Snake out of a jam so he paid me back in stolen stuff.
It was an honorable arrangement.
But I never thought he'd steal from you.
Snake, eh? I never would've suspected the one criminal in town.
(chuckles) You seem stressed.
You want to suck some Squishee? Sure.
(whooshing) Mmm! Careful.
It's uncut syrup.
They give it to horses before they race.
(sucking, slurping) BROCKMAN: Jailbird, A Snake.
That's his real name.
Albert Knickerbocker Aloysius Snake-- has been arrested for a series of thefts and may be put to death under a controversial new statute.
(gasps) Yeah, we had a law stating "Three strikes and you're out.
" But I thought it was "You're out.
" So I let people go.
So now it's "Four balls and you walk.
Right to the electric chair.
" It's, uh, much clearer, Kent.
Bart, I'm so sorry.
I just wanted to ruin his life, not end it.
You ratted him out? (groans) He's got a kid.
A kid?! I was crushed when I lost my dad and all he did was move to the Holiday Inn.
I can still see him smoking on the balcony.
He looked like he missed something.
Maybe me.
So you see, we can't let Jailbird fry.
Time for the Sleepover Detectives.
I didn't say there'd be a sleepover.
Too bad, 'cause I'm wearing my pajamas under my clothes.
And my swimsuit under those.
One day it'll all pay off.
(Homer humming jauntily) Oh! There's my magazine.
Why, look at this.
"What every father should do for his daughter.
" Oh, Marge, if you want me to do something, just tell me.
Don't hide behind a magazine.
Right.
Right, right, right.
According to Judy Kleinsmith, a professional freelance writer, fathers should take their daughters out on little dinner dates and treat them like a gentleman would.
Then she'll expect the same from the men in her future.
Wait, let me get this straight: Sit and eat? That's my punishment? It's not a punishment.
But you can't just eat dinner.
You have to be gentlemanly and attentive.
Oh, I can fake attentive.
I've been watching a football game this whole discussion.
Not fake attentive.
Real attentive.
Okay, okay.
I'll make it fun.
I'll take her to that crab place.
All the crabs you could smash.
You know Lisa's a vegetarian.
She can smash a salad.
No.
Homer, you can't just do the things you want to do.
You have to act like someone you'd want Lisa to marry.
If you just act like yourself, she might just um Oh, you know um She might marry someone like me? You think that would be bad.
Homie, I love you.
But you can be a challenge, like doing the Daily Jumble.
Marge, you are comparing me to the most infuriating thing in the newspaper! Well, I was just trying to Oh I'm sleeping on Flanders' couch tonight.
Ours is crap.
(door shuts) So Marge says I gotta ask Lisa on a date.
Sure you remember how to ask out a girl, Homer? Yeah, you've been out of the game a long time there.
Guys, lay off Homer.
Now you quit stalling and call your daughter like a man.
Oh it feels weird.
Just ask your daughter to have dinner with you.
What is the big deal? Ah, he's doing it! He's calling a girl.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God (line ringing) Oh, it's ringing.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! LISA: Hello? Uh, hello.
Lisa? I know your brother and Oh! Stupid, stupid, stupid! Calm down, calm down.
She doesn't know it's you.
(phone ringing) Ah! Hide! Hide! (Moe sighs) Uh, hello? Oh, sure, Lisa, uh, your dad's right here.
Dad? Did you just call? Uh, yeah.
Hey, listen, your mom thinks that maybe you and I should have dinner together sometime.
Just the two of us? Ah, yeah, I knew you'd think it's dumb.
I'd love that.
See you tonight.
(whoops) I got a date with my daughter! Yeah, we all been there.
No need to act like you just invented air conditioning.
So, you see, Chief, Snake wasn't stealing that stuff out of greed.
He was stealing it to thank me.
Plea denied.
Warm up the electric chair, Lou.
You're not done yet? The instructions are in Swedish, Chief.
We got this from IKILLYA.
Yo, I totally speak Swedish.
Fluently? Um, ja.
Uh, do what he says, Lou.
But Chief But-but-but.
Quit arguing and give him the little wrench.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Let him out, Lou.
Let him out.
But Chief, we got guns; he's got a little wrench.
It's cold! Y oh (sighs, groans) All right.
(Wiggum whimpers, groans) Thanks for coming down, Bart.
You won't need to save me a third time.
You're going straight? If I get caught, it's suicide by cop.
Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
It means I get you to shoot me, dude.
Yeah, still sounds like a lot of paperwork.
Hair volumizer?! Cologne?! Hello, Marjorie.
Homie.
You look like an NBA coach.
Yes, well, it's a special evening and I thought it best not to look like a monkey.
Mm! Don't worry.
I won't embarrass you.
I will put my napkin in my lap, I will use the utensils provided for me, and if I our food is slow in coming, I will "blow my stack" in a manner befitting the Earl of Yarborough.
All right, you've made your point.
Hey, I can't screw this up or Lisa will get stuck with someone like me.
Homie, I don't have a problem with you.
Except your buttons are off one.
Actually, this is a collar button, see? It goes like this Tuh! Is there no end to your fault-finding? Maggie, help me with this shirt.
(groans) (Homer and Lisa laughing) So Mr.
Burns never realized it was Maggie who saved the plant? Nope.
Now, how's that drink? Can I Temple up that Shirley? Oh, I'm fine.
(giggles) Well, have we decided? Uh, yeah, help me out here.
What is the normal amount of entrees per person? Eh, one, sir.
I mean for adults.
One.
No, I mean for adult males.
Yes.
I repeat, eh, one.
All right, I'll have the lasagna.
All right.
Meat or vegetarian? Oh, uh Oh Vegetarian.
(quietly): Can the red sauce be cow blood? We'll see what we can do.
Is that Mom? Homer, can you come with me for a minute? Marge, please, control your jealousy.
This is your daughter.
We need to have a conversation in loud whispers.
Uh, excuse me, Lisa.
A friend from high school.
Homie, I felt terrible when you said I felt stuck with you.
But then I realized: I am stuck with you.
I couldn't stop loving you if I tried.
I'm sorry, that's all very nice.
But I can't forget what you said.
I know, Homie.
I know you well enough to know you're not ready to forgive me yet.
But I also know you well enough to know that this will work.
Where'd you get that dress? Remember that sewing machine you say I never use? Well, I sold it and bought this dress.
Wow Wow, that looks just like the dress you wore on Project Runway.
Shush-shush-shush.
Oh, right.
I mean, this looks like a dress from a local Springfield store.
All is forgiven.
Let's have dinner.
(clears throat) Dad, I believe we were on a date? Oh, of course.
You're right, honey.
I'll just, um I'll park it at the bar.
Well, hello.
And your lasagna with cow blood, sir.
Thanks, Frenchy.
I'm not French, I'm just pissy.
Lucas.
You're not competitive eating anymore? No.
I realized that was unrealistic.
Well, that's a relief.
My new goal is to become whatever Adele is.
Just call me Pound-Uca-Dollar.
(chuckles) What if I just taught you how to whistle? You know how to whistle? Like with your mouth? (whistles) (blows air) Hey, I'm doing it! (blowing air) I sound just like a bird! (whistling theme song) and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!