The Simpsons s25e18 Episode Script

(bubble wrap popping) (pop) (yawns) (moans) (gasps) Please let it be a bear that did this.
(Homer groaning) How much did I eat? (groaning) Homie, you can't keep doing this to yourself.
(scoffs) I'm as healthy as a horse.
Horses only live 30 years.
(mimics a neighing horse) (sighs) If you could just ease up on the eating after 3:00 a.
m.
That's all I ask.
Marge is right.
I'm gonna walk upstairs, take her in my arms and tell her my good health starts now! Mm-hmm! Legs pumping.
Blood flowing.
Two at a time.
(grunting) Heart exploding.
(yelling, grunting) Ooh.
Pepperoni.
(grunting) (wheezing) (struggling): All that's left are clever last words.
(groans, gurgles) And so we mourn the loss of Homer J.
Simpson.
Beloved husband, father and poorly informed sports fan.
All he did was yell "traveling" at the screen.
Major condolences on your bereavement, dear.
If, uh you know, after a respectful period of grief and whatnot, uh yous would like to have some coffee, please give a call.
Thank you, Moe.
FRINK: Stop! Stop with the wailing and the gnashing and the aye Homer is not dead! I have made a copy.
I'm number two.
(moans in excitement) You're alive! But how? Uh, well (clears throat, speak gibberish) I was able to put Homer's memories in the body of a clone, identical to the original in every way.
I wanted to clone a sheep, but I needed to start with something simpler.
Which he is, because his brain is fliveck.
Oh Dad, you're back! Just in time for my recital.
Somebody kill me.
Now, Homie.
I hope you use this second chance to live a more sensible life.
Amen, baby.
Did you make potato salad for the wake? Yes.
That man sure loved potato salad.
(cracks knuckles) Ah, hey, Midge.
Uh here we are again, ah? Yeah (laughs) And, oh, uh, here, uh, my new card.
(laughs) Yeah.
I'm back! Coming through! (laughing): Yeah.
I can die all I want.
Frink's got Homers like the Tuileries has park benches.
Huh? I wonder where I picked that up.
Oh.
I planted a Western history chip, but all you retained were the places to sit down.
Nice! Letting the days go by Let the water hold me down (grunts) Letting the days go by Water flowing underground Into the blue again After the money's gone Once in a lifetime Homer, you'll be all right, but, uh, no solid food for two weeks.
Aw two weeks? (continuous beep) Same as it ever was, same as it ever was Same as it ever was (groaning) We are gathered here to mourn the passing of yet another Homer Simpson.
Beloved father, precious memories, local character, et cetera.
Okay.
We're ready for the crematorium bot.
(mechanical whirring) (pounding) HOMER: Wait a minute! (flames ignite) (grunting) (beeping) Don't go far, Cremo.
Oh, Moe, are we doing this again? You know what? No.
I'm tired of getting my hopes up here.
You and your immortal husband can go take a flying leap, huh? Um, I am so very sorry, but, uh, this time, I could not bring Homer back to life.
ALL: Wha? (groans) Stupid Moe.
You just had to act like yourself, didn't you, you jackass? All is not lost.
I was able to download Homer's brain into this flash drive.
It'll have to do.
Yo.
Where's my body? Oh, you used up all your clones, you fat, fat, fat, reckless, fat pig! From now on, you're just going to be a face on a monitor.
So, enjoy screen saver mode! Bonk.
Bonk.
Bonk.
Ooh.
Corner.
Ba-donk.
Let me just say this once.
(screams) I'm good.
Hey, kids.
Want to chase Grandpa Homer around the house? I do! Yay! (Homer and kids giggling) After 35 years of wifely obedience, I'm married to a face on a screen.
Not exactly fun and games for me, either, Marge.
Ooh Goody Gobble! (chomping) (whoops) Liquid center power-up! (chomping) (sighs) How are you, Milhouse? Things aren't great with Lisa.
If it wasn't for that squirrel that eats our bird food, we'd have nothing to talk about.
As I told you when we talked last month, "I've been doing a lot of charity work for the undead.
" HOMER: Uh, Marge, excuse me.
Uh I think I need a reboot.
Just stick the tip of your pen in that little hole and hold it for 15 minutes.
(click) No.
I'm throwing you out of the house.
You can live with your no-good son.
Hey.
What did I do? Nothing for 30 years.
You're perfect for each other.
No.
No.
No.
Don't pull me out before you click eject.
That hurts like a mother! So, Dad, what do you think of my place? Son, could you put me in 3-D for a second? (click) Why, you little! I'll teach you to emulate my sloppiness! (click) Okay, guys.
Time for you to go to your mother's.
Here's your mom's house.
(rings doorbell) (sighs) Hi, Jerry.
Hey, Bart.
Great to see you, man.
How are you? Great.
Great.
So, I guess you and Jenda are still together? Is she there? Oh, yeah.
She's just getting out of the shower.
Hey, you're looking good, man.
You been working out or what? No.
You're lucky, man.
I have to hit the gym like every day, or I'm like (shrieks) (kiss) Hey, baby.
Hurry, boys.
We're going camping this weekend.
But our thing was camping.
Living out of a car is not "camping.
" (laughing): That's right, babe.
(kiss) (groans) Bye.
Good-bye, Daddy! Take care, Bart.
Hey.
Check's due on the first, whether it's a weekend or not.
Dad, if I ever needed fatherly wisdom, it's now.
(sighs) (roars) Okay, everyone.
Jolly did a great job standing on her hind legs.
What does she get? ALL: A goat! (goat bleats) (crowd cheering) Cheer up, Bart.
You're working with dinosaurs.
(sighs) I miss my kids.
Come on.
You're free and sleazy.
I know some adult dancers that work with my mom.
Isn't your mom 87? With social security a thing of the past, she can't afford to retire.
I don't know how that happened in a senate with 99 Democrats.
That one Republican is great at getting his way.
(zombies moaning) Brains.
Actually, Terrance, this is a synthetic substance.
Devised for zombie vegans.
Or "zegans.
" Meh.
What are you doing here? You weren't answering your phone.
I was worried you might have been bitten.
Oh.
Zombies not able to control selves.
All we do bite, bite, bite.
You, sir, am racist.
I'm sure you're one of the good ones.
Not to imply that there are any bad ones, of course, but all stereotypes come from a place of (groans) Ow! (moans) Still meh.
(upbeat techno music blares) I don't think I'm ready for this, man.
Dude, it's been two years since the divorce.
Ooh.
I love your perfume.
Can I smell you later? Why don't you smell me now? Haw haw.
Well, that didn't look so hard.
You know, at my job, I satisfy ladies even bigger than you.
Um, I feed dinosaurs.
Sir, you have to leave.
You're bumming out everybody, and you have, like, a goat beard stuck to your shoe.
Huh? (groans) One, please.
Mm-hmm.
Huh? Man, that's some targeted advertising.
After this procedure, you will have total closure from your divorce.
How long does this take? It'll be over before I finish this (electrical buzzing) sentence.
Wow.
It works.
I'm completely over my ex-wife.
Do you take wedding bands as tips? Put it in the jar.
One more injection in two weeks, and you're cured.
But until then, you may experience some zombie-ism.
(chuckles) Brains.
No.
Those are just teaching brains.
They're like the plastic sushi in front of a Japanese restaurant.
Window sushi fake? Window sushi fake.
Ay, caramba.
I have moved on.
Hey, passable-looking.
Sorry.
I'm just a little creeped out by that screen saver.
Nothing to worry about.
He's been frozen like that for days.
(moaning) (whistling) Girls All I really want is girls And in the morning it's girls Wow.
Now I see why they call you Miss Hoover.
You must have been vacuuming for an hour.
Anything to please my man.
So, was it good for you? "Good" is not a concept in my culture! Oh, my God.
We went home with you? Not just me.
There's Beppo, Boppo, Emmett Kelly the Ninth, Frenchy, Insane Clown Polly and Commodore Tee-hee.
(horn toots) Brains? Brains? Garden brains.
(Milhouse grunts) Spicy Mexican garden brains? Too much sodium.
(grunts) Give me your wallet! (grunts) (whirring) (imitating siren): Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! What seems to be the oopsie here? (growling) Yay! I'm fighting crime! (grunts) Officer needs backup.
There, back up.
(grunts) Oh? The old Milhouse would have been helpless with an asthma attack.
No breathing, no asthma.
I love how you're dropping all your definite articles.
Brevity soul wit.
(giggling) LISA: Uh, what are you cooking? Nothing.
You know, Dad really misses you.
Well, I don't miss his nonsense.
There's a lot of stuff he blamed on raccoons that I'm starting to suspect was him.
Look, maybe I shouldn't have done this, but I've got him right here.
Oh.
Sorry, I must have recorded over Dad.
But admit it.
When you thought it was Dad, you were excited.
It's only natural to miss a man you buried 127 times.
(classical music playing) (whooshing) Hey, Homer, your robot body finally came.
About time! (whooshing) Huh.
Huh.
Hmm? Hey, where's my junk? Oh.
Whew! (doorbell rings) Hello? (laughter, whirring) Oh, you boys look happy.
Yeah, but Mom's sad.
Jerry moved out.
(Jenda cries) I thought he was the one, Bart.
I just put in a saltwater tank where he could shed his exoskeleton.
And now when I walk by it, I feel like a fool.
He's the fool.
You're great.
You're just saying that because you have to.
I don't have to say anything.
Believe me, no guy wants to see his ex looking hot or being sweet.
Makes him realize everything he's lost.
Wow.
Wow.
You've really grown.
We should have dinner sometime.
Hey, Dad, can you watch the boys? Sure.
(high-pitched whistling) Body, to Moe's.
Hey, you're kind of quiet tonight, Homer.
(belches loudly) (whirring) (crowd chatter, gentle instrumental music plays) You know, this was a great evening.
(in squeaky voice): Please enjoy your desserts.
Man, when is that voice gonna change? (whimpering) Suddenly, I want a different dessert.
But they brought us little cakes and Oh.
Ay, caramba.
(metallic thudding) Oop, oop, uh, yeah, open your stance a little there.
Oh! Yeah, that's it.
Do your worst, kids! (both gasp) Come on! Hug your grandpa, boys! (whimpering) Threat perceived.
Terminate! Terminate! (yelling) (laughing) Kids are so afraid of being terminated.
Looking good, Santa's Little Hybrid.
Father, what am I? JENDA: Guys, sit down.
Our lives are gonna change a little.
Uh-oh.
This is never good.
This is good.
Your father and I are gonna try to make it work again.
Like a classic rock band whose hold-out member finally needs money.
Wow.
Everyone's back together except Gramma and Grampa.
Oh, I think that's about to change.
(high-pitched mechanical whirring and hissing) Aren't you going to work, Dad? One of us has to stay home with you guys.
And your mom can't quit her job at Google.
They need my help hunting down those self-driving cars that turned evil.
Oh, you passed another rest stop! I am not stopping again.
But I had a large soda! I said get the small! It was only 50 cents more! Let's play The Quiet Game! (groans) (groans) Now, will somebody hold up a one dollar bill? (bellowing screech) (screaming) (laughter) (thunderous footsteps, audience gasping) Uh-oh.
It looks like we woke someone up from her nap.
(laughter) Well, now that you're up, you can do your juggling act.
(low growl) (laughter) (sad growl) Milhouse, you were supposed to come see me today for your final anti-zombie injection.
(groans) Yes, well, uh But I'm supposed to be in surgery now, so I guess we're both playing hooky.
(laughs) But, Lisa, if you want Milhouse to return to his old self, then you'd better bring him in for that shot tomorrow.
But, Doctor (whispering): he's so much more interesting this way.
(growling) Ooh.
I see.
Now enjoy the majesty of our prehistoric past.
(horn toots) So, that earring I lost in the teleport, turns out it's in Florida.
Yes! That's not a listening-to-me "yes.
" You're watching something.
What? Me? Oh, that's crazy.
You know, I knew it.
This is supposed to be us time, and you're lensing a game.
Well, you're not paying attention to me.
You're texting.
Yeah, only to complain about you not paying any attention to me.
If I wasn't paying attention, then how did I notice you not paying attention to my not paying attention? Ha! Oh, I thought this time things were gonna be different.
They are.
You're four years older.
Wow.
What does that mean? Uh Hey, Bart, what'll it be? A tall beer and no judgmental women.
That is so typical of you.
What are you doing here? I have to decide whether to make Milhouse (sighs) human again.
I even prefer the way he smells now.
Some meat went bad in our freezer, and my heart skipped a beat.
Phoo! You two don't know what a rough marriage is.
Mom, I got to know.
Once and for all, what is the secret? Why did you stay with Dad so long? Until I was eight, I thought he was a magical gorilla.
Look, life's tough.
It's hard to make it through.
The only way I know is when you make a decision that comes from your heart, you stick with it.
(sighs) Like my marriage.
Or my divorce.
Or my decision to support Duffman in his old age.
Duffman can still swing and party.
(wheezy): Oh, yeah.
Wait, Mom.
Does that mean you're going to take Dad back? No, I'm going to join him forever.
(electrical buzzing) (moaning) (gasps) (laughs) Oh.
(electronic beeps, tune plays) I can't tell if that was love, suicide or a a really boring video game.
Lisa, your husband is fine.
(chuckles) No residual zombie-ism whatsoever.
Are you sure? Watch.
I'll just wave this juicy brain in front of him.
I'm gonna faint! Hooray.
So, Jenda, I don't know what love is, but I know what it isn't, and we're isn't.
Yeah.
You're right.
That's why I started seeing Jerry again without telling you.
Hey, buddy, how, uh, how you doing? What?! Oh! You know what, Jenda? I'm not even mad, because I'm finally, completely over you.
(whooshing) WOMAN: sentence.
Wait.
What am I doing back here? You never left.
Everything that you experienced between when I flipped the switch and now was just a neural implant in your temporal lobe.
Uh, you should look at my profile.
Oh.
Uh-huh.
It was all a dream, and now you can go home.
So, you're sure I'm cured? No more feelings for my ex-wife? I'm positive.
We treat a lot of people for obsessions.
(electrical buzzing, whooshing) It's a whole new day for Nothing Stu! Wow.
I'm free.
Get ready, world.
I've got a whole new set of mistakes to make.
(whistling) Uh, ol' Gil could use a fresh start.
Weren't you just in here this morning? I've had a bad day.
After 35 years of marriage, we've finally gotten it right.
Yes, even my personality has gotten, shall we say, an upgrade.
Oh! That's a bit of a whoo-hoo.
Indeed.
Lis, I hope things work out with you and Milhouse, but if they don't, I know just where you should go.
Thanks, but Milhouse and I are in a pretty good place.
Even though he's not a zombie anymore? No, that's what happened in your false memories.
There is no cure for zombie-ism.
(groaning) Dead flower from dead husband.
(sighs dreamily) And I was a false memory, too.
No, you were real.
Aw, shucks.
ANNOUNCER: Next week on Fox Television's The Simpsons: Sit down.
You're not going anywhere.
(gasps) Release the It ain't what you think! I said no mayo! Ay, caramba.
(laughs) ANNOUNCER: One week from tonight.
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!