The Simpsons s25e19 Episode Script

What To Expect When Bart's Expecting

Oh, no.
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (yells) (grunts) (screams) (screaming) (chuckles) D'oh! Ooh! (groans) (mouth groans) Ooh! (gasps) (belches) (heart beating) (squishing, blurping) Why, you little! (Homer and Bart grunt) Huh?! Eh, welcome fellow barkeeps, gin-slingers, and beer jerks.
We are all here because drinkin' in our bars is down.
Mom-and-pop bartenders can't compete with big box stores like Booze Barn and Hooch City.
(bell dinging) (all clamoring) Uh, folks, this is the owner of the airport bar speaking.
Uh, we're experiencing some financial turbulence.
Uh, please remain calm.
Now let's watch this informational video that'll help save our business.
Thanks, Cap.
Now what I'm proposing is a superhero pub crawl.
Our clientele dress up in costume and go drinking from bar to bar.
Their masks make 'em feel uninhibited and invulnerable.
(all murmuring positively) Yeah, and that's not all.
Why don't you tell 'em about it, Moe? Yeah, you got it, Moe.
We can make up superhero drink names and charge 'em double.
Like, uh, Nick Fury, Agent of Schnapps; Sex in the Batmobile; and Wolveriskey.
Here, check out my, uh, portfolium here.
(all clamoring, cheering) Whoo! Yeah! Flame on! (belches) (gasps) Oh-God-oh-God-oh-God! I can't breathe! No, no, no! Why do they call this a yard of ale? Easy.
After you drink one, you're passed out in your yard.
(drunkenly): Well, better get home.
The delightfulness ended hours ago.
Homer, the best thing for you to do in this situation is keep drinking.
(Homer moaning) (groaning) (Otto laughs) Oh, why are you doing this to me, booze? I drank every kind of you! See ya, Homer! Bye, Dad! Have a good day, you two! Don't be me! There's my dad! Wait, I think I just sucked up a dollar! (grunting) José, hit the switch! We are not all Josés, man.
(other kids laugh) Oh! Art.
Simpson! Smock up! Every time I do art, some do-gooder teacher sends it straight to a therapist.
Your stuff is pretty disturbing.
I've never acted on any of it.
You will take art, you will enjoy art, and you will make something in a kiln your mother can use.
Oh (groans) Maggie! Why'd you do that? Oh, I just came in to take out the trash! And you shall leave immortal! Also, take out the trash.
Honest! Inspiring! Yes necessary! Oh, Milhouse-ian! Oh, Bart, it's wonderful! Really? Wonderful? I just drowned a grasshopper in paint and let him crawl on the paper till he died.
You know what that's called? Mixed-media conceptual art.
No, it's not, because I hate art.
Oh, then it's protest art! Stop encouraging me! I will admire you from afar! (exasperated grunt) (gasps) Shauna? What are you doing here? Training for the Olympics.
I gotta find a way to get rid of my art teacher.
Is there a voodoo queen you can direct me to? Oh, yeah.
She lives in a trailer down by Yogurtland.
Now kiss me.
I wanna make somebody mad.
(grunting) What are you doing?! What's my no-good daughter up to now? Now u have everyt'ing you need for the voodoo.
Would you like a bag? Yes, ma'am.
Paper or plastic? Uh, plastic.
Just like the chicken foot say you would! Okay, did you get Trunch's DNA? Yeah, got it out of her purse.
(chuckles) How'd you do that? Art teachers don't have a desk.
They just throw their purse anywhere.
Voodoo spell, voodoo spell, seagull beak and bone of Mel, purple heart and tear of chum (grunts) Just had to be tear of chum.
Send her home with aching tum! Oh, right, we need one more thing from her purse.
I've got these.
Hmm, she's got tickets to the play God of Carnage.
Orchestra?! On an art teacher's salary? That's black magic! Where's Mrs.
Trunch? I need to know the correct density of "points" in my pointillism.
Mm, sorry, but I don't think we'll be seeing much of Trunch today.
Yep, I cast a voodoo spell on her.
I won't bore you with the dark details, but let's just say she's in no condition for teaching.
(gasps) (disappointed): Oh Class, I have an announcement.
I'm afraid I can't teach today.
I have a tummy ache.
Mm A very special tummy ache.
I'm going to have a baby! (gasps) Aah! Bart Simpson got a teacher pregnant! (scoffing) Typical Ralph nonsense.
(Milhouse panting) Bart Simpson got a teacher pregnant! You happy with your two-timing boyfriend now? I admit, I did make a voodoo doll of Mrs.
But I just asked for a stomachache, not a baby! Classic wish-maker's mistake: vague language.
So I did make her pregnant? Of course not.
Doesn't work that way.
Just how do women get babies? I'm not allowed to discuss that with fourth-graders.
Fifth grade, you get every dirty detail.
Do you know how embarrassed I was to get a call at my arraignment for my behavior during the pub crawl because of a voodoo curse my son placed on his art teacher? I didn't mean to make her pregnant.
I just hate art so much.
Oh, everyone does, son.
That's why they lock it up in museums where no one will ever visit.
So, uh, your boy's got magic knock-up powers, huh? Hey, I created three kids, and no one's making a big deal of that.
Not true! Whenever I compliment your virility, you act all weird.
And you are very virile.
Uh, yeah.
Just talk about sports! No problem.
Wish I had that Tom Brady's libido.
(shudders) Oh, it's amazing how many Cheerios Maggie drops in the back seat.
Here you go.
Put those in the trash, then you can help me unload the dishwasher.
Oh! A minute of fun, a lifetime of work.
I've never heard of a pregnancy like this.
There he is.
Jenny, this is crazy.
Nothing's crazy at this point.
Are you the boy that makes babies? I like to think I'm the boy that makes families.
You see, Jenny? He's just a jerk kid.
It's just (sobs) we've been trying so hard to start a family.
With all the money we've spent on IVF.
(sobs) You have no idea! Hmm, maybe I can help.
But it'll cost you.
How much? Five dollars.
Plus one dollar haw-haw insurance.
Trust me, the insurance is worth it.
By the power of this place, make a baby with a face.
That's great, really.
Really glad we're getting a baby with a face.
Thank you.
(tires screech) Haw! No haw-haw! It worked! (groans) I'm pregnant! Look, Bart, I really, I can't believe there's a connection here.
But, uh, we have some friends who are in the same dark place that we were.
Can we give them your name? Only if they have five dollars.
Yes, right.
I'll make sure that they have five dollars.
With them.
Look, I'm sorry our check bounced, man.
I can have the bank teller call you.
Just give me the cash and you'll get your driver's license back.
Please keep the chatter down while the Womb Wizard is casting his spells.
Ones are appreciated, people.
Barbeque sauce and teddy bear's eye.
They want a baby, God knows why.
Homie, I can't find my spatula.
Can you get another one? Flanders, can we borrow your spatula? That was my spatula.
And you never bought a replacement? Ah, too much aggravation.
We just forego flipped food.
D'oh! (grunts) Hmm.
(humming a tune) Bart? Huh? Why, you little! I'll teach you to answer peoples' prayers! (both grunting) Yeah, you know, I just don't think we're going to get in to see him today.
What is your problem, boy? Maybe when I've got a dad who shows up in the morning with no shirt on and rocks on his face, it sets, I don't know, a low bar? Wow, I got to take that in.
While I do, have some bar nuts.
Aren't those full of germs? Eat the nuts! They're your dinner! (guns click) You guys are coming with us.
Not so fast! Nobody comes into my bar and kidnaps two paying customers.
Aw, thanks, Moe, I Huh? I must've left my wallet at home.
All right, take them, take them! Fill their pockets with corn and toss them to the pigs.
Don't tell us our business! (sobs) Huh? Fat Tony? That's right Fat Homer.
Hey! I need your boy to make a baby.
Do you really need the boy's help to make a baby? Just do a little of the bunga-bunga, and the hotsie-totsie, and the bop-bada- bop-bada-bop.
You sound like every doctor I've ever been to.
But it's not for me.
It's for her.
Meet my filly, Cheesesteak.
The love of my life.
(baby-talking, kissing) Who has apple breath? You has apple breath.
(kissing, baby-talking) And this horse, who I have briefly "borrowed," is the winner of last year's Springfield Stakes-- Rear Admiral.
So work your magic, and breed me a champion.
Look, Fat Tony, I don't know what you know about voodoo, but it only works on people.
Horses? That's crazy talk! You will breed me a champion by morning or it will be the last sunrise you ever see.
Don't over-promise, boss.
It might be overcast.
How'd you like a cast over your face? Well, as long as there re breath holes.
You know, I'm just saying.
Okay, boy, if there ever was a good time for you to find out where babies come from in the grossest way possible, with your life on the line, this is it.
One more thing: It better be a boy.
(scoffs) Anything else? It would be helpful if he could go undercover with police horses and find out what they know.
(crickets trilling) Hey, this is all your fault.
How is it my fault? I wouldn't be here if you were more of a role model.
Pub crawls, naked Frisbee golf I just did that because it was a series of funny words.
Well, it's your mediocre fathering that put me on the path to hell! Wha? Maybe you're right, boy.
It's time I was a better father.
And I'll start by saving us.
I just need to facilitate some horse intercourse.
Come on, buddy.
Just make a champion thoroughbred, and we're out of here.
(neighs) What's his problem? It's raining men Hallelujah, it's raining men (neighing) Amen I'm gonna go out I'm gonna let myself get (music stops) Hey, you know? I don't think this guy likes girls.
(splutters) Big deal.
I don't like girls, either.
Not like that.
It's like this.
(indistinct whispering) Smithers Mr.
Largo Danny Kaye.
What? Everyone knows.
(neighs) Now, where's she going? Hey, I know that horse! It's Sudsley! Sudsley Brew-Right! (neighs) That horse was instrumental in me becoming a man.
It feels like the first time It feels like the very first time (neighing) It feels like the first time (neighs) Ew, that tastes horrible! Beer transformed that cute little boy into the man you see before you.
(neighs) Whoa! They like each other.
You know, pregnant is pregnant.
What a you talking about? We're not lost, boy.
Not by a long shot.
We just have to set the mood.
(gentle orchestral intro begins) Let them play We won't look We'll turn away Go make love Then eat some hay We'll be dead Shot through the head Be that as it may Fat Tony's horse is gay I do not hear no banging No sound of horseshoes clanging Roll in hay Or tomorrow we will pay I don't care About tomorrow We need True horse love today Here's a blanket they can borrow Let them rock the night away I don't really mind at all But why must I go muck the stall? Roll in hay Roll in hay Roll in hay! (bottle shatters) (grunts) (steady banging nearby) Ah, young love.
So, where is the pregnancy test? Right here.
What does it say? The Pimlico plus of joy? Or the Maryland State Fairgrounds minus? It's a plus! We're having a baby! Hey, salute! I've never seen Johnny Tightlips so happy.
Simpsons, you're free to go! Louie, drive 'em home.
Cool, another limo ride! The limo's in the shop.
We have a loaner.
BART: Ay, caramba! You monster! My knees will be in my throat! There's another way you can go.
Dad? Cheesesteak, a little advice from a mother of three.
They'll turn out the same whether you gallop or trot.
Teach him not to pee during parades.
He'll get more work.
(neighing) Now that's what I call a modern family.
Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey! Hey! (clamoring) The prosecution calls Sudsley Brew-Right! (gallery murmuring) Sudsley, on the night in question, how many did you see the defendant kill? (knocks seven times) Seven in one night? What kind of a monster could do that? A party monster! Drinking the new, convenient Duff Seven-Pack! Oh, yeah The Duff Seven-Pack-- one more for the road.
There's nothing symmetrical about flavor! So get your seven pack today! It looks wrong, but it is oh, so right! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!
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