The Simpsons s25e21 Episode Script

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D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) What the?! Well, this is a no-brainer.
Woo-hoo! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! (groans) Now what? (screams) (Marge humming) (laughing) (whirring) Mom, it's not funny if I can't hear the cats drown in their own barf.
(screaming) (whirring louder) (retching continues louder) Why can't kids still watch Captain Kangaroo?! Culture's in decline.
Deal with it.
(groans): Oh! (whirring louder) (laughs) Yay! A mess! Ooh! Can I lick the ceiling? (groans): Oh.
I was making that cake for the block party today.
Now there's no choice but to go store-bought.
(humming) (over P.
A.
): I need a price check on Gramma Shortcut's Store-bought Bundt Cake.
(crowd gasps) Keep it! Let's go! We've got some put-backs.
Roger dodger, boss.
Hey, don't turn old man on me.
You know, I used to be the buyer for the whole chain-- You heard of the A&P? Well, we used to be the J&G.
You like what you see at the J&G They're used to be three, but we lost the "Z" and If I make out with you, will you shut up? Ah, give it a shot.
(moans) You know, we used to give out gray stamps.
Remember green stamps? Ours was gray.
Attention block party losers! We are Ear Poison! (electric guitar riff plays) There were bells on a hill But I never heard them ringing No, I never (gasps) (British accent): We must have the same recipe.
Drive to store, buy cheap cake, serves them right.
Booth Wilkes-John.
My wife and I just moved here from London.
Marge Simpson.
Congratulations on Little King George.
Well, Marge, my wife and I are hosting a get-to-know-you game night on Saturday next-- or as you call it, next Saturday.
Ooh! Game night? You know? Adult games.
Well, not "adult games," fun games, like Charades-- or as you call it, Pictionary.
It sounds like fun.
I'll just tell Homer and Homer, for the last time, do not drink the Yahtzee dice.
Fine.
(grunts) Ooh! Doubles.
Mm, I don't know.
We have church the next morning, starts at 11:00.
Oh, we're going to the game night.
Moving church to Monday afternoon.
(groans) Well, if you change your mind, please let us know.
We could become "couples friends.
" Now, let me try some of Ned Flanders' No Alarm Chili.
You'll only taste the spoon.
Brilliant.
Why don't we have any couples friends? (groans) Because couples friends are a myth, started by restaurants with tables for four.
I want friends! Any friends.
Okay, sweetie.
I'll call the Van Houtens.
Not the Van Houtens.
But They're always bragging about their trip to Rome.
It was 12 years ago, and it was a layover.
I want new friends.
LISA: Can I make an observation? I'm okay with no friends.
It's easier to focus, and it'll give me great material for whatever art form I choose.
Right now, I'm thinking long novella.
Good night.
Okay with no friends? That's the saddest thing I can imagine my daughter saying to me.
BART: I can think of worse.
The saddest thing would be if you were driving and texting Lisa and you hit her.
And the last thing she texted before she died was, "I got your message.
" Good night.
Well, they all make good points.
ANNOUNCER: And now, the moment of truth on Topiary Wars.
This Taj Mahal should be floated down the Ganges.
I'm sorry, Cathy.
Turn in your shears and ladders.
Come and get 'em! (laughs maniacally) (grunting) Oh! Thank you.
Why was that on the Military History Channel? We're going to that game party, and we're going to be charming and witty.
You're not going to eat too much, and we're not going to stay too late.
MARGE: You will not sing unless there's a sing-along, and never take the tray out of the caterer's hand.
Don't be too loud, and don't be too quiet.
When you're too quiet, you get that psycho look.
(jittering) And stay in the living room.
Don't go to their kids' room and watch a basketball game.
Can I check out what toys they have? No.
(groans) Dinner party at the neighbors'.
At least I can drink.
One drink.
Wha?! Walking distance, Marge! I've been looking forward to this all week.
DUFFMAN: Don't show your wife this app! Powering down! You were charming enough to win me, and that day you didn't have a drink in you.
Marge! Homer! Mwah! Mwah! (quietly): Homer.
You know, I have more cheeks.
(chuckles) I'd like you to meet my wife Wallis.
(deep voice): How ya doin'? Wallis has unearthed the most delightful entertainment to thrill us for hours on end.
It's a murder mystery, and we're all suspects.
(crowd gasps) Great! I've always wanted to try and solve a crime.
(crowd gasps) Please, everyone, read your bio.
(gasps) I am a humble farmer from Yorkshire.
Humble I can be! That's the spirit! Wallis and I have found this game to provide a full evening of divertissement, building in suspense to a masterful climax.
We've rented costumes you'll find accurate to period and conducive to character.
We will serve food and wine appropriate to period and palette.
(excited murmuring) We've programmed music to cover every dramatic event.
Hired a Foley artist.
(steady galloping) I believe the mare has a slight limp.
(erratic galloping) Yes.
Yes! So, for the next three hours, I welcome you to the moors of Question.
Uh, it says here the murderer is Admiral Wainsworth.
Who's that? (crowd groaning, murmuring) You've you-you've given away the game! Well, you know Why you! (both grunting) Thank you so much! Now Wallis will once again withdraw into melancholia! (monotonous): Birth, school, work, death.
Worth, drool, shirk, breath.
Mirth, cruel, quirk, meth.
Just so you know, mer, you were going to be a dashing Russian count with multiple lovers! Well, as we say in Russia, "Good-bye in Russian!" Do svidaniya! Uh, nice night for a walk.
(sighs) I'd like to be alone for a while.
You want to be more alone? Yes.
More? Mm-hmm.
What the?! D'oh! (groaning) That's good.
Okay, I slept on the couch and I flipped the sweaty cushions over.
What else can I do? It's okay.
I mean, those people didn't even want us at that party in the first place.
I think it's time we learn to live with being ostracized.
Mmm Don't you dare say "ostrich eyes"! Because uh Oh! Oh, okay, okay! What should we do? Nothing.
I give up.
No more dinner parties.
Our whole social life will be us watching TV and you going to Moe's.
I see.
(quietly): Woo-hoo! (rattles) Well, if that's how you think it has to be.
Yes, for us.
But not for Lisa.
Never for Lisa.
We're going to help her make friends.
It might be easier with Maggie.
She's always getting letters from the day care center.
Those are past-due bills.
They'll get their blood money.
And Lisa will get a friend.
After this, we'll do makeovers.
(groans) So where are all the friends? I don't know.
I invited everyone that Lisa's ever met.
Who are you? Gus Huebner.
I was on Lisa's coed soccer team two years ago.
Well, Lisa's gonna be here in five minutes, and the only kid who showed up is Gus freakin' Huebner.
Watch your mouth.
(groans) Oh, no, you're right, Homer.
Abort! Abort! Oh, no.
I was the only chump who showed up at this train wreck.
Well, I'm not leaving till I get a party.
Fine, fine.
Homer, give him a party.
(The Streets of San Francisco theme playing) (Homer shouts) Gus Huebner? Is that you? (chuckles): I wish.
That kid can play youth soccer.
Are you guys okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
I'm fine.
Yeah.
That's Nothing's going on.
Right, right.
Nothing.
What's for dinner? Pizza.
Mmm.
Lots of pizza.
So, as her teacher, I was wondering if you could tell me why Lisa has such trouble making friends.
Marge, this is when I normally eat lunch.
So I'll just tell you Lisa is unique.
And we're done.
All right.
For some reason, square dancing is a part of the gym curriculum.
Now, I'm gonna open the divider to the girls' gym, and if you don't find a dance partner within ten seconds, there is something very wrong with you! Hmm.
(groans) Aw.
That's tough luck, Lisa.
Looks like you're dancing with Groundskeeper Willie.
Careful of your toes.
I got me cleats on! I'll dance with Lisa.
Tumi? But you're from the other second grade.
We only come together for tornado drills.
(groans) God, I hate square dancing.
It ain't gym class if a fat kid's not crying.
Let's do this thing.
(plucking notes) (playing lively music) Swing your partner, swing her hard Do-si-do while I bombard Hey! Ha! Ho! Ha! Do-si-do while I bombard Oh, thank God, the clock says 3:00 'Cause I have to take a pee.
(school bell ringing) Finally.
But I won't push it, I promise.
See ya.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Um, I was going to All Sales Vinyl after school.
The vintage record store? Yeah.
You want to come with me? At the risk of sounding like a broken record, yes, yes, yes! ("Stolen Moments" by Oliver Nelson playing) (strained): They will fit.
They will fit.
(grunts) Yes! Hmm.
Nobody likes jazz that much.
Even the guy playing it had to take drugs.
It's so much fun to finally have a friend who likes the NPR show Wait Wait Don't Tell Me! as much as I do.
PETER SAGAL: So, Carl Kasell, how did the House Minority Whip do on our news quiz? CARL KASELL: Well, Peter, he got two out of three right, so he wins me recording his outgoing message.
MAN: Oh, that's okay.
Really.
No, no, no.
Please don't.
KASELL: It's not optional.
(both giggling) See, Marge? Problems will work themselves out if you just leave them alone.
Mm-hmm.
Want some more smoothie? As long as you load up on the kale and chia.
Oh, no one likes veggie smoothies that much.
Or at all.
Hmm.
Something's fishy about that girl, and I'm gonna follow her till I find out what.
And I'm gonna help you.
I think I'll need you back at headquarters manning the phones.
Great.
What do I say? Just let 'em ring.
Got it! They smile in your face All the time they want to take your place The backstabbers Backstabbers They smile in your face All the time they want to take your place The backstabbers Backstabbers All you fellas who have someone And you really care Yeah, yeah Then it's all of you fellas Low-down, dirty.
What do you want? I've got two things for you.
This envelope will change your life for the low, low price of five dollars, and I'll throw in a piece of great advice.
Tempted? What's the advice? Don't open the envelope.
(snickers) Oh, God, I'm gonna be sick.
(gasps) Mom paid her to be my friend? (crying) That's mine.
It's for my library card.
(groans) You don't want to be here.
(whimpers) Neither do you! (whimpers) Mom, how could you pay someone to be my friend? Answer me! Oh, I wouldn't say I paid someone to be your friend.
I just gave her money for records and ice cream.
HOMER: You gave away ice cream?! I would've found a friend eventually.
You couldn't wait a damn decade until I got into college? (crying) Oh, Lisa.
Lisa, wait! (crying) Oh, God, oh, God.
I'm the smart parent.
I'm sorry she rejected your "I'm Sorry" cake, but, in a way, I'm not.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I like cake.
Marge, don't feel bad.
You did what any parent would do.
No, I think I went too far.
Let me tell you a little story about a chubby unpopular boy named Homer.
Is that the boy you named me after? It is you, you idiot! Whoa.
Little Homer had a devil of a time making friends.
No one wanted to come visit him.
So I decided to take matters into my own hands.
I paid a couple of boys, Lenny and Carl, to make my Homer feel loved.
A relationship I continued to this day.
You pay Lenny and Carl to be my friends?! Yes, but Barney's yours for nothing.
Aw.
Hmm.
Well, that makes me feel better.
(lock clicks) Lisa's door is unlocked! Dad, is that story really true? (laughs) I wouldn't pay ten cents to a lion to stop him from eating you! (groans) Lisa, just say something to me.
I'm gonna tell every psychiatrist I ever go to what you did.
(voice breaking): A mother's greatest fear.
(crying) LISA: Wow, I made Mom cry.
What unimaginable power.
I can use this to get anything I want.
But right now, all I want is for Mom to stop crying.
Mom, stop! Stop! Stop.
I'm sorry.
Oh Please stop! (cries, snorts) (sighs) You're not mad anymore? I'm fine.
Fine.
It's funny, but hurting your feelings made me feel better.
Mm, try to forget that.
But when I grow up, I'll find other weird kids, and we will have the most intense relationships ever.
And I'll always love you.
Aw.
Happy Mother's Day.
Mother's Day?! Mother's Day?! Crap! Okay, initially I was just gonna be your friend till I could afford a nice belt.
But I like you, Lisa, and I want to keep being friends with you.
Great.
But from now on, we have to be totally honest with each other.
You're absolutely right.
I'm not really a vegetarian.
Have you ever tried horse meat? They eat it raw in Japan, and and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY Shh!