The Simpsons s26e14 Episode Script
My Fare Lady
(8-bit synthesized version of theme song playing) (electronic bell dinging) (synthesized whistle blows) (blipping) (rapid blipping) (synthesized jazz playing) (synthesized saxophone playing) (blipping) (blipping) (synthesized horn honks) (tires screech) (bell dings) (synthesized scream) (synthesized meowing, barking) (theme song ends) ( The Jetsons theme song playing) Here's Homer Simpson And the problem child (jazzy sax solo plays) Hip daughter Lisa Marge, his wife ( The Jetsons theme song ends) (computer printer buzzing, scratching) HOMER: Marge! Stop that crazy thing! I've printed out our driving plan.
If we work together, we can get Bart to his sports, Lisa to her music, and Maggie to the five birthday parties she's invited to today.
I'm not spending my precious Saturday chauffeuring those overprivileged kids to a better life than I ever had.
I need a ride to Cub Scouts.
Why are you asking me? Is your thumb broken? (screams) (tires screeching) Have him back by Father's Day! Homie, are you dressed? You have soccer setup in 20 minutes! Homie? (phone ringing, Homer gasping) Moe, quick-- beer me before I answer the phone! Ah, the first pour of the day.
Let me just tie on my apron, limber up the old tap-pulling arm (grunting) (phone continues ringing) Ooh eh I need it now! (gulping) (sighs) Hey, Marge.
I'm supposed to help drive the kids? Oh, man, I wish I knew that sooner, but I just had a beer.
You're already drinking at 8:00 in the morning? How much have you had? (whimpers) Come on! Whoo-hoo! Off the hook! (sighing): Oh, looks like this is all me.
HOMER: Yeah, while you're at it, can you pick me up some beer? Oh (siren wailing) Well, we've got an hour.
Who wants coffee? Okay, but I'm buying.
No, no, I insist.
I'm stealing.
(revving engines) (engines roar) (tires screeching at every stop) (engines roaring) See you at the bake sale, sucker! So Sideshow Mel is drinking here all afternoon.
When I show him the tab, he says he left his wallet in his other skirt, and he pays me with this.
Hey, this is a ticket to see Laney Fontaine.
She's the brassiest broad on Broadway! She's funny and vulgar and full of Hollywood stories, like, uh Jimmy Stewart was a super-nice guy.
Oh, geez, now I want to go.
Why can't ya? I can't close down the bar on a Saturday.
That's when you guys can drink, 'cause you're not working for three days.
Hey, Moe, I'll take care of the bar.
You did me a favor today.
Huh well, okay.
Uh, let me just show you where everything is.
Uh Shotgun, shotgun shells, blood mop, bag of lime and that's it.
Now, boys, I gotta get dressed for the, uh the-a-ter.
(laughs) And done.
Dare I say it? Yippee.
Oh I didn't know we could decorate our cars.
No, no-- it's a "Here to There" smile.
When that's on my grille, I'm getting paid to drive people around.
So you're a taxi? No (laughs) no, no no.
We're a social-media-based ride share service.
We bring the "fair" back to "fares.
" Those aren't air quotes.
My fingers start doing that after they're around the wheel all day.
Mm.
Well, I drive all day, and I don't get paid a thing.
With the money you make, I could buy a fridge with an ice maker.
(laughs, gasps) (moans) (laughs) Do you want to work for us? Sure! Are you over 23? (giggles) Yes.
And are you under 80? Yes! You're in! Oh! What the? When I was a young car, I didn't sit around smiling, like I had nothing better to do.
(humming) Man, Moe's barely got two nickels to rub together.
(murmuring) I know a way we can make this Moe's biggest Saturday night ever.
How does Moe make money if ladies drink free? That's the beauty part.
This place is about to be filled with guys buying beers, hoping to meet ladies.
(chuckles) Brilliant! Oh, and thanks for telling me what the beauty part of it was.
So they pull out my gall bladder, zip me up.
I grabbed a cab, tapped my understudy and said, "Not tonight, honey.
" And here's the song I killed 'em with.
(audience whoops, applauds) If this isn't love The whole world is crazy If this isn't love Who's this Patrick Swayze? (laughs) She changed the lyrics! For me! (dog howls in distance) Then came the bombs: Tobacco Valley, What Color Is Your Tambourine, and The Smell of Music-- but I'm still here.
And I'd like to dedicate this song to the one great love of my life, the man who was my third and fifth husband-- but you never know what the future holds.
Oh-ho! (dance music throbbing, lively conversations) Huh.
Not a man in sight.
We got the Cheery Red Tomatoes, a bachelorette party Ooh! Lady Duff! I am woman, hear me pour! Oh, yeah! There's no guys! We haven't made any money.
Not yet, but at least we're hearing some interesting conversation from those two book clubs.
Well, we thought The Heaven Lover's Club was rich and spiritual.
We thought it was maybe a little slow.
Oh, well, maybe I can liven it up for ya! (grunts) (screaming, clamoring) Let me help you up.
Ow! MOE (moaning): Oh, yeah.
Uh, okay, stop here, please.
So this is the charming tavern you've been telling me about.
Yep, nice and cozy and Wha? (gasps) My crap hole! My precious crap hole! Anyone tries to stop me, and you'll see her lovely bones all over the floor! This is nuts.
Tell me you still work, Love Tester.
(buzzing) Oh, I'm ruined! Sorry, Moe.
I love losers, but only after they've bounced at the bottom.
'Cause I'm the brassiest piece of sass In this whole damn town! Hyah! You guys cost me my chance with a woman of a certain age! (sobs) [.]
Hey, come on, all is not lost.
This coaster's fine.
(howling) You are not my friends.
To me, you're just mouths drinking beers.
You can't mean that! We don't look at you that way.
Yeah, I'm-I'm sorry for snapping at you guys, but but I'm ruint! I have to live on my savings here.
All right, who rubbed my nickels?! Hey, wait a minute-- we can get you a job.
There's an opening at the nuclear plant, 'cause of that guy that defected to North Korea.
Good old Dae Ho.
Used to give me the pickles off his sandwich.
And all I had to do was let him copy some keys.
Moe, can you pass a background check? Um Eh Er, uh Eh Sure.
Well, then, you're in.
How far do they go back? Six months.
Okay, I'm gonna apply in a week.
(text alert chimes) Whoa, Mom! Someone wants you to give them a ride.
At last! I'll earn money for schlepping.
Well, your mom has a job and my dad still doesn't? Just wait till winter comes, son.
There'll be driveways to salt! Long, long driveways.
Thanks for the lift.
It's nice to know I can get a ride without having to put out.
You're welcome.
You know, if you really want to get your belly button pierced, go see a professional.
I'm ready for you, babe.
(clacking) I'm gonna have this done properly, at a kiosk in the mall.
I'm Shauna.
Welcome to Springfield Nuclear, Szyslak.
We'll start you off in Janitorial, but there is room for advancement.
Hey, I sure appreciate this, fellas.
What you guys did to me, then for me, I'll never forget-slash-forgive, so thanks a lot.
Also (angrily): thanks a lot! What's for dinner, Mom? I-I'm-I'm sorry, but I'm not your mother.
Hey, I'm the one payin'.
Fine! There's meat loaf.
Mmm! What's meat loaf? Left left, left! Left Left, left! Left, left! Eh left! Flamingos turn pink from eating shrimp.
Cats have over a hundred vocal cords.
The Golden Gate Bridge is the longest span between two towers.
Why are you telling me all these things? Isn't this Cash Cab? No! Oh! It's never Cash Cab.
Oh Faster! Eh, slower.
Hard a-port! Disco Stu says hang a "U"! Make a Louie up here at the Stop sign! Blood bank! Girl with big punching bags? So, for the love of God, get me to Mexico! Hey, swabbie, you've missed spots there, another one there, and there! Every other spot is be-grimed! It's called a checkerboard floor, ya unwrapped mummy.
You're f Sir the NRC is here for a surprise inspection.
We are gonna search this place from top to bottom.
(shrieks) That's where all the problems are.
I'll handle this, uh You're the head inspector, huh? Yes, I am.
How come, on your badge, you got a mustache, but now you're not wearing one, huh? Oh, I was Freddie Mercury in a Queen cover band, but, uh, then I got demoted to Brian May.
Yeah, well, I'm thrilled for your musical career and everything, but, uh, we got no way of knowing that this is you.
I mean, we gotta be careful here.
This is one of them, uh, highly sensitive joints.
It'll take me weeks to grow that mustache back.
Or years, to get a new badge! Yeah, well, that's your problem, ain't it? You will see us again, in God knows when.
Young man, how do you fit such brilliance into such an ugly, ethnic head? Well, if you own a bar, you either keep it clean or learn to deal with inspectors.
And Moe don't clean.
Interesting attitude for a janitor.
What say we make you the new supervisor of Sector 7G? Me, a supervisor? I feel like I overdosed and went to heaven! (laughs) Those smart cars are cutting into our business.
We used to get uber amounts of work giving people lifts.
(splutters) I come to America to drive taxi.
Now my cab sits empty, like Sochi Marriott.
Well, boss, the main problem is Marge Simpson! She's prompt, courteous and a joy to ride with.
How do you know so much? Oh, she, uh, drives me to work every day.
And unlike the rest of you cowards, she's not afraid to parallel park.
(laughing, whooping) Whoa, fellas, that is not acceptable.
This is a nuclear plant! (grunts) Huh.
No one was in there.
Look, Moe, the least you could let me do is anything I want.
All right, let me be honest with youse.
After all the money this plant lost on that nitwit, Elon Musk, they're looking for cutbacks, so I've been going over your record.
(whimpers): Oh! Yeah, the only reason you haven't been fired is because your file here was holding up a sofa that was missing a leg.
Well, that's the logic-- where's the affection? Well, as supervisor, I can't fraternize with the, uh, uh, what's the word? Scum.
Anyway, because I am your friend, you are safe.
But you're gonna be reassigned.
Smithers, "what profit a man if he gain the world, and lose his soul?" Seriously, I need an amount.
In round dollars.
(knocking on door) Plant watering guy.
Yes, yes, go ahead.
Uh, and be careful with the Venus flytrap.
All right.
They say you catch more flies with honey.
I say, with flytraps.
(muffled): What do I do now? Just lean into it.
It'll be over soon, one way or another.
(muffled): Oh, all right.
D'oh.
'[.]
Hey, guys, you mind if I join you? They ran out of Beaujolais Cru in the executive dining room and I ain't drinkin' white with my coq-Au-freakin'-vin.
I think I'd rather sit somewhere else.
Yeah, I'm gonna take my lunch back to the core.
Now they won't even have lunch with me? Well, you know, people can kind of act like they're in grade school.
Oh, now you gotta throw your grade school education in my face? You know, Moe, you're a real jerk! I didn't mind so much when it came with beer! I don't need youse! I'm all the company I need! Heh! Oh! Oh! I just lost my appetite.
Marge, which can makes me look cooler-- the Drizzler or Mr.
Drip? (Marge groans wearily) Aw, your leaves are drooping.
Here, let me turn that gloom into bloom.
(whimsically): Dee-Dee, doo-doo, doo (moaning with satisfaction) Homer Simpson! Working with those plants is great! It's helped you get in touch with your feminine side.
Feminine?! (shrieks) I didn't mean to use that word! I-It's okay to have a feminine side! It's good, in fact.
Oh It was rainin' hard in Springfield I needed one more fare to make my night I got a push notification on my smartphone Passenger ahead, race: white.
Mind if we drive in silence for a bit? Whatever you want.
(sighs heavily) (groaning dramatically) I asked if there was somewhere I could take him He said, "Just drive me, Lady Blue" I said, "I've had my share of unhappy fares" He said, "I sure miss slingin' brew.
" Moe, I think we'd both be a lot happier if we quit our new jobs.
You know, I think you're right there, Midge.
I'm gonna build my bar back up, better than ever! (hearty chuckle) How hard can it be, eh? Oh, God, this is so much worse than I remember! So, you drop off your lover and go back to stealing our jobs.
He's not my lover.
Let the man speak! Medallions! Air fresheners! (gasping) Step away from the social-media-enabled, peer-to-peer ride share platform.
(shouting fearfully) Now, promise me you'll leave her be and wipe down your backseats annually Aw, come on! (gunshot) Okeydoke.
Now beat it.
Uh, I think it might be time to hang up the old beaded seat cover, there.
Yep.
And I know a place that could use this smile.
Whew! It's sure great to see you jerking our suds again, Moe.
Yeah, I figured out that the best way for me to get along with most people is to be kept behind a two-foot trunk of solid oak.
(chuckles) Looks more like poplar to me.
Why, youse correcting me on my knowledge of wood products? Don't you slide me down the bar! (thudding) So good to be back.
Oh, shut up.
[.]
Well, I'm back where I belong, eh? You're not alone anymore.
What the hell was that? Oh, you'll find out.
Shh!
If we work together, we can get Bart to his sports, Lisa to her music, and Maggie to the five birthday parties she's invited to today.
I'm not spending my precious Saturday chauffeuring those overprivileged kids to a better life than I ever had.
I need a ride to Cub Scouts.
Why are you asking me? Is your thumb broken? (screams) (tires screeching) Have him back by Father's Day! Homie, are you dressed? You have soccer setup in 20 minutes! Homie? (phone ringing, Homer gasping) Moe, quick-- beer me before I answer the phone! Ah, the first pour of the day.
Let me just tie on my apron, limber up the old tap-pulling arm (grunting) (phone continues ringing) Ooh eh I need it now! (gulping) (sighs) Hey, Marge.
I'm supposed to help drive the kids? Oh, man, I wish I knew that sooner, but I just had a beer.
You're already drinking at 8:00 in the morning? How much have you had? (whimpers) Come on! Whoo-hoo! Off the hook! (sighing): Oh, looks like this is all me.
HOMER: Yeah, while you're at it, can you pick me up some beer? Oh (siren wailing) Well, we've got an hour.
Who wants coffee? Okay, but I'm buying.
No, no, I insist.
I'm stealing.
(revving engines) (engines roar) (tires screeching at every stop) (engines roaring) See you at the bake sale, sucker! So Sideshow Mel is drinking here all afternoon.
When I show him the tab, he says he left his wallet in his other skirt, and he pays me with this.
Hey, this is a ticket to see Laney Fontaine.
She's the brassiest broad on Broadway! She's funny and vulgar and full of Hollywood stories, like, uh Jimmy Stewart was a super-nice guy.
Oh, geez, now I want to go.
Why can't ya? I can't close down the bar on a Saturday.
That's when you guys can drink, 'cause you're not working for three days.
Hey, Moe, I'll take care of the bar.
You did me a favor today.
Huh well, okay.
Uh, let me just show you where everything is.
Uh Shotgun, shotgun shells, blood mop, bag of lime and that's it.
Now, boys, I gotta get dressed for the, uh the-a-ter.
(laughs) And done.
Dare I say it? Yippee.
Oh I didn't know we could decorate our cars.
No, no-- it's a "Here to There" smile.
When that's on my grille, I'm getting paid to drive people around.
So you're a taxi? No (laughs) no, no no.
We're a social-media-based ride share service.
We bring the "fair" back to "fares.
" Those aren't air quotes.
My fingers start doing that after they're around the wheel all day.
Mm.
Well, I drive all day, and I don't get paid a thing.
With the money you make, I could buy a fridge with an ice maker.
(laughs, gasps) (moans) (laughs) Do you want to work for us? Sure! Are you over 23? (giggles) Yes.
And are you under 80? Yes! You're in! Oh! What the? When I was a young car, I didn't sit around smiling, like I had nothing better to do.
(humming) Man, Moe's barely got two nickels to rub together.
(murmuring) I know a way we can make this Moe's biggest Saturday night ever.
How does Moe make money if ladies drink free? That's the beauty part.
This place is about to be filled with guys buying beers, hoping to meet ladies.
(chuckles) Brilliant! Oh, and thanks for telling me what the beauty part of it was.
So they pull out my gall bladder, zip me up.
I grabbed a cab, tapped my understudy and said, "Not tonight, honey.
" And here's the song I killed 'em with.
(audience whoops, applauds) If this isn't love The whole world is crazy If this isn't love Who's this Patrick Swayze? (laughs) She changed the lyrics! For me! (dog howls in distance) Then came the bombs: Tobacco Valley, What Color Is Your Tambourine, and The Smell of Music-- but I'm still here.
And I'd like to dedicate this song to the one great love of my life, the man who was my third and fifth husband-- but you never know what the future holds.
Oh-ho! (dance music throbbing, lively conversations) Huh.
Not a man in sight.
We got the Cheery Red Tomatoes, a bachelorette party Ooh! Lady Duff! I am woman, hear me pour! Oh, yeah! There's no guys! We haven't made any money.
Not yet, but at least we're hearing some interesting conversation from those two book clubs.
Well, we thought The Heaven Lover's Club was rich and spiritual.
We thought it was maybe a little slow.
Oh, well, maybe I can liven it up for ya! (grunts) (screaming, clamoring) Let me help you up.
Ow! MOE (moaning): Oh, yeah.
Uh, okay, stop here, please.
So this is the charming tavern you've been telling me about.
Yep, nice and cozy and Wha? (gasps) My crap hole! My precious crap hole! Anyone tries to stop me, and you'll see her lovely bones all over the floor! This is nuts.
Tell me you still work, Love Tester.
(buzzing) Oh, I'm ruined! Sorry, Moe.
I love losers, but only after they've bounced at the bottom.
'Cause I'm the brassiest piece of sass In this whole damn town! Hyah! You guys cost me my chance with a woman of a certain age! (sobs) [.]
Hey, come on, all is not lost.
This coaster's fine.
(howling) You are not my friends.
To me, you're just mouths drinking beers.
You can't mean that! We don't look at you that way.
Yeah, I'm-I'm sorry for snapping at you guys, but but I'm ruint! I have to live on my savings here.
All right, who rubbed my nickels?! Hey, wait a minute-- we can get you a job.
There's an opening at the nuclear plant, 'cause of that guy that defected to North Korea.
Good old Dae Ho.
Used to give me the pickles off his sandwich.
And all I had to do was let him copy some keys.
Moe, can you pass a background check? Um Eh Er, uh Eh Sure.
Well, then, you're in.
How far do they go back? Six months.
Okay, I'm gonna apply in a week.
(text alert chimes) Whoa, Mom! Someone wants you to give them a ride.
At last! I'll earn money for schlepping.
Well, your mom has a job and my dad still doesn't? Just wait till winter comes, son.
There'll be driveways to salt! Long, long driveways.
Thanks for the lift.
It's nice to know I can get a ride without having to put out.
You're welcome.
You know, if you really want to get your belly button pierced, go see a professional.
I'm ready for you, babe.
(clacking) I'm gonna have this done properly, at a kiosk in the mall.
I'm Shauna.
Welcome to Springfield Nuclear, Szyslak.
We'll start you off in Janitorial, but there is room for advancement.
Hey, I sure appreciate this, fellas.
What you guys did to me, then for me, I'll never forget-slash-forgive, so thanks a lot.
Also (angrily): thanks a lot! What's for dinner, Mom? I-I'm-I'm sorry, but I'm not your mother.
Hey, I'm the one payin'.
Fine! There's meat loaf.
Mmm! What's meat loaf? Left left, left! Left Left, left! Left, left! Eh left! Flamingos turn pink from eating shrimp.
Cats have over a hundred vocal cords.
The Golden Gate Bridge is the longest span between two towers.
Why are you telling me all these things? Isn't this Cash Cab? No! Oh! It's never Cash Cab.
Oh Faster! Eh, slower.
Hard a-port! Disco Stu says hang a "U"! Make a Louie up here at the Stop sign! Blood bank! Girl with big punching bags? So, for the love of God, get me to Mexico! Hey, swabbie, you've missed spots there, another one there, and there! Every other spot is be-grimed! It's called a checkerboard floor, ya unwrapped mummy.
You're f Sir the NRC is here for a surprise inspection.
We are gonna search this place from top to bottom.
(shrieks) That's where all the problems are.
I'll handle this, uh You're the head inspector, huh? Yes, I am.
How come, on your badge, you got a mustache, but now you're not wearing one, huh? Oh, I was Freddie Mercury in a Queen cover band, but, uh, then I got demoted to Brian May.
Yeah, well, I'm thrilled for your musical career and everything, but, uh, we got no way of knowing that this is you.
I mean, we gotta be careful here.
This is one of them, uh, highly sensitive joints.
It'll take me weeks to grow that mustache back.
Or years, to get a new badge! Yeah, well, that's your problem, ain't it? You will see us again, in God knows when.
Young man, how do you fit such brilliance into such an ugly, ethnic head? Well, if you own a bar, you either keep it clean or learn to deal with inspectors.
And Moe don't clean.
Interesting attitude for a janitor.
What say we make you the new supervisor of Sector 7G? Me, a supervisor? I feel like I overdosed and went to heaven! (laughs) Those smart cars are cutting into our business.
We used to get uber amounts of work giving people lifts.
(splutters) I come to America to drive taxi.
Now my cab sits empty, like Sochi Marriott.
Well, boss, the main problem is Marge Simpson! She's prompt, courteous and a joy to ride with.
How do you know so much? Oh, she, uh, drives me to work every day.
And unlike the rest of you cowards, she's not afraid to parallel park.
(laughing, whooping) Whoa, fellas, that is not acceptable.
This is a nuclear plant! (grunts) Huh.
No one was in there.
Look, Moe, the least you could let me do is anything I want.
All right, let me be honest with youse.
After all the money this plant lost on that nitwit, Elon Musk, they're looking for cutbacks, so I've been going over your record.
(whimpers): Oh! Yeah, the only reason you haven't been fired is because your file here was holding up a sofa that was missing a leg.
Well, that's the logic-- where's the affection? Well, as supervisor, I can't fraternize with the, uh, uh, what's the word? Scum.
Anyway, because I am your friend, you are safe.
But you're gonna be reassigned.
Smithers, "what profit a man if he gain the world, and lose his soul?" Seriously, I need an amount.
In round dollars.
(knocking on door) Plant watering guy.
Yes, yes, go ahead.
Uh, and be careful with the Venus flytrap.
All right.
They say you catch more flies with honey.
I say, with flytraps.
(muffled): What do I do now? Just lean into it.
It'll be over soon, one way or another.
(muffled): Oh, all right.
D'oh.
'[.]
Hey, guys, you mind if I join you? They ran out of Beaujolais Cru in the executive dining room and I ain't drinkin' white with my coq-Au-freakin'-vin.
I think I'd rather sit somewhere else.
Yeah, I'm gonna take my lunch back to the core.
Now they won't even have lunch with me? Well, you know, people can kind of act like they're in grade school.
Oh, now you gotta throw your grade school education in my face? You know, Moe, you're a real jerk! I didn't mind so much when it came with beer! I don't need youse! I'm all the company I need! Heh! Oh! Oh! I just lost my appetite.
Marge, which can makes me look cooler-- the Drizzler or Mr.
Drip? (Marge groans wearily) Aw, your leaves are drooping.
Here, let me turn that gloom into bloom.
(whimsically): Dee-Dee, doo-doo, doo (moaning with satisfaction) Homer Simpson! Working with those plants is great! It's helped you get in touch with your feminine side.
Feminine?! (shrieks) I didn't mean to use that word! I-It's okay to have a feminine side! It's good, in fact.
Oh It was rainin' hard in Springfield I needed one more fare to make my night I got a push notification on my smartphone Passenger ahead, race: white.
Mind if we drive in silence for a bit? Whatever you want.
(sighs heavily) (groaning dramatically) I asked if there was somewhere I could take him He said, "Just drive me, Lady Blue" I said, "I've had my share of unhappy fares" He said, "I sure miss slingin' brew.
" Moe, I think we'd both be a lot happier if we quit our new jobs.
You know, I think you're right there, Midge.
I'm gonna build my bar back up, better than ever! (hearty chuckle) How hard can it be, eh? Oh, God, this is so much worse than I remember! So, you drop off your lover and go back to stealing our jobs.
He's not my lover.
Let the man speak! Medallions! Air fresheners! (gasping) Step away from the social-media-enabled, peer-to-peer ride share platform.
(shouting fearfully) Now, promise me you'll leave her be and wipe down your backseats annually Aw, come on! (gunshot) Okeydoke.
Now beat it.
Uh, I think it might be time to hang up the old beaded seat cover, there.
Yep.
And I know a place that could use this smile.
Whew! It's sure great to see you jerking our suds again, Moe.
Yeah, I figured out that the best way for me to get along with most people is to be kept behind a two-foot trunk of solid oak.
(chuckles) Looks more like poplar to me.
Why, youse correcting me on my knowledge of wood products? Don't you slide me down the bar! (thudding) So good to be back.
Oh, shut up.
[.]
Well, I'm back where I belong, eh? You're not alone anymore.
What the hell was that? Oh, you'll find out.
Shh!