The Simpsons s26e15 Episode Script

The Princess Guide

D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (whirring) Mmm.
Paper jam.
Okay, Dad, I'm ready for Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
How come there's never a Take Your Son to Work Day? 'Cause boys are already on track to get all the good jobs.
The Dirty Dozen? All guys.
Twelve Angry Men? Uh, men! The X-Men? Mostly men.
(Bart and Homer laugh) Good one, Dad.
Yeah.
Well, despite all that, today's going to be fun, Dad! Will there be lots of other girls there? Just a few.
For some reason, there's been a lot of infertility at the nuclear plant.
After we show you the wealth of jobs in the steno pool, a hearty luncheon of bison with lake beaver will be served.
GIRLS: Ew! And upon leaving, you will each receive a piece of orangewood to bite down on during childbirth.
(chuckles) Excellent.
(person applauds) It's getting harder and harder to maintain my sunny disposition, Smithers.
Oh, you're always my ray of Shut up.
Dad, what does that do? I don't know.
Who's that guy? I don't know.
Where do those pipes lead? Not sure.
Is it called the cooling tower because there's Not my department.
How many kilowatts are? Look, sweetie, would you like to go to the cafeteria and get some ice cream? How many kinds are there? Curse that Elon Musk! Thanks to that Earth-smooching buttinski, I'm on the verge of bankruptcy.
All I have left are the clothes on my back and the clones in my freezer.
I had to replace my beloved hounds with teacup poodles.
It's pathetic.
Watch.
Release the hounds.
(barking) (chuckling): Aw.
No.
Help.
Oh, stop.
Oh, spare me.
And all I got from Mr.
Musk was an electric car, which I charge by stealing power from my nosy neighbor.
Hey, dippily-do, neighbor-oni! Stupid Branson.
But I have a new scheme that will undo the terrible damage done by my other schemes.
I have an appointment with a Nigerian King to negotiate a uranium deal that will put me right back on top.
Huh.
Nothing can stop you, sir.
But, uh, not that you're not at the top of your game.
Uh, what if you don't get the deal? I'll just have to sell everything and move to the South Pacific with you.
What a grim fate that would be.
And with your omelet, would you like the fried potatoes or the mixed berries? I'll have the berries.
Ah.
A terrible fate indeed, sir.
Oh, no.
My almond milk leaked all over everything.
Dad, do you have anything I can eat? Hmm? Oh, uh, I will turn this corn chip into a wonderful meal, using my greatest skill-- lunchroom trading! Shut your eyes.
("The Thieving Magpie" by Rossini plays) Pretty impressive, Homer.
But what about the presentation? The eyes taste first, then lips, then palette.
Then the body's harshest critic-- the colon.
(Rossini's "Thieving Magpie" plays) Okay, sweetie, open those baby blacks.
(gasps) Wow, Dad.
(giggles) Thank you.
Ooh.
Welcome, Your Majesty.
Mr.
Burns, I don't know what you have heard, but I do not eat monkey brains from a skull.
Oh, this is for me.
Before we begin, I have a favor to ask.
(sucking through straw) My daughter is traveling with me.
Hello.
She is my true treasure.
During our complicated negotiations, I need someone to look after her, keep her out of trouble.
Hmm.
That man is the perfect choice.
What?! Sir, that's Homer Simpson.
You forgot that he's the most incompetent (both laughing) Homer Simpson would be perfect.
Simpson, all you have to do is babysit the princess-- keeping her in this hotel room during the negotiations.
Babysitting, eh? What do I know about kids? Homer Simpson, I give you Princess Kemi of Nigeria! Watch that girl like a hawk.
(screams) Princess, why'd you put on that coat? You're obviously cold.
May I escort you to the radiator? No.
I want to go out.
I'm 25 years old.
(phone ringing) Uh, just a second.
Hey, Marge.
Yeah, I'm working late.
Yup, special project.
Lenny said you were babysitting, and if you are babysitting, why can't you do some at home? I could use a night out.
Sorry, Marge, but I am the royal babysitter.
If I start watching commoners, the tongues of the court will be awag.
Really? Awag? Really? Well, if you think that (beeps off) I want to go out and see the America whose greatest cities I've only seen destroyed in movies.
I see.
You want excitement.
Princess, have you ever heard of Studio 54, CBGBs, the Roxbury? Yes! I've dreamed of All gone.
But in their place, we have All awesome.
Sit down, and I'll show you.
So, all these concubines belong to this one tyrant? He's called "The Bachelor.
" Please let me go out.
All right, Princess.
I'll take you to a place that's fun with a capital "F.
" (grunting) Moe, this is Kemi.
She's an honest-to-God princess.
Ah, really? Hey, tell me something.
I heard that Queen Elizabeth in person is actually not that funny.
I am from Africa.
Wow, Africa.
I had a good friend who really wanted to go there.
So, uh, you speak English there? I speak five languages.
(sputters) Nobody does.
(speaking Portuguese) (speaking French) (speaking Spanish) (speaking Japanese) Uh, which means what? "I don't wish to show off.
" Yeah, that's pretty good there, uh, but don't expect me to bow and scrape.
Uh, well, I'll give you one scrape.
Yeah, that's it, Majesty.
Notice I didn't say "Your.
" (laughs) Oh, they don't make them like you in Nigeria.
Nigeria? Homer, can I speak to you in private? (grunting) Can I try it? Ah, you got to be mad at something.
Well, I'm mad I'm not doing it.
Okay, I'll tell you why I'm mad.
A few months back, I got an unsolicited e-mail from an actual Nigerian prince.
The prince needed to transfer $40 million out of the country.
He offered to split that with me if I paid the five grand for the transfer fees.
HOMER: And you gave it to him? MOE: Yeah, I did.
I was sure the guy was on the level because of his bad spelling and grammar.
Now, guess how much of the $20 million I saw? $8 million? Ze-ro.
Get out of here! If Kemi there is a Nigerian princess, her brother just might be the Nigerian prince that took my money! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Listen, Moe, I'm Kemi's guardian.
She and I are going back to the hotel now! (gasps) She's gone! And she trashed my bar! Oh, no, wait.
She actually cleaned up a little bit.
Yeah, good for her.
(panting): Chief, thank God! I was drinking at Moe's, and I lost an African princess! Lost African princess, eh? Well, lucky for you, she just happens to be in the back of my cruiser.
Yes! The prayer I forgot to say has been answered.
What the? You're going straight to the drunk tank, rummy.
"African princess.
" (distant gunshots) Chief, I just saw someone robbin' the Kwik-E-Mart! Oh, now African princesses are robbing the Kwik-E-Mart, huh? Get in the car, booze bag.
Chief, I have been shot in the shoulder! In the car! What is this, St.
Patrick's Day? Why, this is terrible.
Can't even think of anything to mumble to myself.
That's how upset I am here.
Hello.
First of all, I wanted to pay.
Also maybe I wanted to talk more to you? Really? Okay there, Moe, you got to get to the brother, because he knows what my PIN number is, and I forgot.
Yeah, duly noted.
Uh, so, Your Tootsieness, tell me about your family.
Got any aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters brothers? I have a brother.
Yes.
One.
I see.
Now, Moe, don't jump to conclusions.
A lot of people have brothers.
Does he have a computer? Yes.
MOE: It's him! HOMER: Guys, thanks for bailing me out, but I still have a huge problem.
Well, till we find her, maybe we could get somebody to pretend to be her.
You know, get a nice wig and a dress.
Oh, no, I am not dressing up like an African princess.
I am not! I am not! I am not! Thank you for listening to my objections.
Well, you were really vehement.
(phone ringing) Uh, hello, Simpson.
Just checking up.
May I speak with the princess? Um, yeah, sure.
Uh (high-pitched Southern accent): Hello, this is the princess.
I'm with Homer Simpson, and I do declare he's wonderful.
Oh, that's right, I'm from South Africa.
Fiddle-Dee-Dee.
(laughing): Well, sounds like everything's going just the way I want it.
Yeah, so all my money's tied up in this "jernt.
" Can't even afford elocution lessons to teach me how to pronounce "joint.
" I guess I could do it online, but, uh, what's the "pernt"? (laughs) What-What's so funny? I thought my English was perfect, but you make me feel even better about it.
(chuckles) Eh, usually people that tease me get thrown out on their ass.
But, uh, your sayin' it made me feel good.
Geez, I sound like one of those guys in them Rom coms that play at the theaters next to the theater I'm in.
Heh.
So, uh, what's a "princessess" like you, uh, do all day, huh? A lot of spinning wheels and witches treating you like crap? I read.
Are you familiar with the books by my countryman Chinua Achebe, Things Fall Apart and No Longer At Ease? Hey, you guys got real optimistic literature there.
(giggles) Fair comment.
(yawns) I haven't eaten all day.
Well, don't eat those eggs! Uh, we don't know what kind of bird they turn into.
But there's a string cheese or something in the fridge in the back.
Uh, help yourself.
All right, after she eats, I'd better close up.
(yawns) Oh.
Come on, pal.
(grunts) Come on.
That's really stuck there good.
Ah, I can't be mad at her no more.
Good night, moon.
Good night, broom.
Good night, jukebox that won't play a tune.
Good night, eggs.
Good night, dregs.
Good night, bugs crawlin' up my legs.
Good night, beer.
Good night, mice.
Good night, princess who treats me nice.
Yeah.
(yawns) So my offer for one ton of your uranium is a goat.
Will you stop offering me that? I come from a modern nation of 90 million people.
Two goats.
You are starting to insult me.
All right, let's cut to the chase.
My board has given me permission to go up to 12 goats.
(grumbles) How about here, sir? Looks good to me.
I'm so sorry I pretended not to be gay for all those years.
Well, better an old queen than never a queen at all.
(chuckles) Pay attention.
My last offer: Okay, but no dogs disguised as goats.
Oh, great, here comes the haggling.
Well, well, look who's up.
Heh.
Uh, Princess, I'm gonna do something for you I've never done for anyone in this bar.
Call you a cab.
No.
I want to spend time with you.
I want to see this town.
Do you mind ridin' a cute little scooter with your arms around my waist? I don't.
To the scooter store.
And after you eat the soup you can eat the bowl or you can put "kerns" in it.
What, uh, whatever you like.
I have a confession to make.
This is my first montage.
Just relax and enjoy the music.
Moe Szyslak.
This is the part of the fairy tale where the princess goes back to the hotel and watches TV.
Come with me.
So where are we headed, dude? Just go and go fast.
Okay, um, usually I do kind of a funny take on an airline pilot greeting the passengers.
You know, like, "Hey.
Thank you "for flying Air Kevin.
If you look out to the left of the pedicab, you" Just move the pedals.
Whoa, sounds like the tower has cleared us for takeoff.
We're tryin' to escape that guy.
Well, dude, as long as he can run, he can beat us.
D'oh! So, anyways, the place that I really feel the pedaling? It's my legs.
Okay, all right, we're safe.
Actually, I wanted to go back with him.
I don't want to get my father mad, O.
Go back? But I didn't show you the place where Dave Grohl got mugged.
I have to leave, but I still had a wonderful day.
MOE: Thank God I shaved my forehead this morning.
(gasps) A paparazzo.
Please don't send that.
If my father sees it, it will ruin my life.
Well, thanks for making it so easy.
And you have the 20 million goats? Two, now.
on delivery.
Very good.
Um, shouldn't we see how the princess is doing before you sign, Your Majesty? What are you talking about, Smithers? (phone dings) (gasps) I can't even trust you to watch an impetuous adult who does what she wants.
The deal is off.
SMITHERS: Wow.
After spending my life serving others, I'm finally gonna get what I want.
Uh, uh, sir, there may be a bright side.
There's never a bright side.
SMITHERS (chuckles): He's almost mine.
Yes, you've torn that up, all right.
Father, I want to explain.
I was a young woman who wanted to see the world, and this kind man has shown it to me.
And stolen your heart.
Eh, well, that's what I do.
Uh, sorry, but there ain't no off switch for this.
(laughs) He has not stolen my heart.
Wha?! Why has he made the ancient tribal sound of confusion? I think he is a sweet, sweet man.
But when I kissed him on the forehead, it was not romantic.
More like when Snow White kissed Dopey.
Oh, no, no, not this comparison again.
I'm sorry, Moe.
I don't love you.
But I really like you.
Well, daughter, even though you have done nothing seriously wrong, first I will tear this contract one more time.
(grunts) And as for you, your punishment will be Uh, may I speak to you, Majesty, father to father? A woman has allowed you to sire her children? There was beer involved.
I have two daughters.
And I've learned you have to let them go their own way.
Even the one-year-old.
Majesty.
And the older one, I can't tell her what to do.
And she's only 12.
Eight.
See what I mean? Always an argument.
But the thing you have to remember is that you have to let them be who they are because you love them.
I am not convinced.
Uh, because you want them to grow.
Still not convinced.
And because you can't strangle a girl.
That makes sense.
Oh Come here, daughter.
Oh, father.
Little girl, let me give you some advice.
Never dream big, because it will blow up in your face.
You're talking to the girl who wants a career in jazz.
Oh, poor thing.
So the good king's cheap uranium will allow me to sell you expensive nuclear power.
Everyone wins.
Yes, yes.
Princess.
Can you tell us about the man you kissed? MOE: Uh, yeah, I'll field that.
Uh, yesterday, a local man "may or may not" have given a tour to a certain princess, who, uh, one assumes, turned all his thoughts of revenge to love and then love to respect.
And yesterday, a certain princess may or may not have seen much of your world with a certain man, and she certainly might be eternally grateful.
Oh, this is vague stuff.
Vague stuff! I did not think this through.
Moe, before I left, I just wanted to give you these examples of our most beloved, albeit depressing, literature.
Ah, some nice bedtime readin'.
Fun premise.
I'm laughing already.
Really not cheerin' me up here, but, uh, let me offer you the only literature in this bar-- sure works for me, though.
This coaster.
I will treasure it.
Well, I guess you'll pine forever for a man who doesn't care, while I just grow old here in this bar.
Yeah.
Here's to suffering in silence.
Oh.
Mm.
Can't wait to see those numbers hanging from my rafters.
(sighs) I can't believe it's been three years since Smithers left.
Man, have I been aging badly.
But I guess I can finally wash this forehead.
Oh, divine.
(doorbell ringing) Oh, God, what do you want? Well, neighbor, now that your streak of rum luck is at its end, I have a favor to ask.
It involves charity.
I've set up the Virgin Earth Challenge, a $25 million prize to eliminate greenhouse gases, that I was hoping you would add to.
Where are the hounds when I need them? They're on a free Virgin Galactic flight around the world.
Can you go five blasted minutes without saying the word "virgin"? That's another Virgin Challenge.
That I will not be Virgin taking.
Virgin.
Shh!