The Simpsons s26e16 Episode Script

Sky Police

(snoring) Chief, there's a sniper down in the warehouse district! Let's roll! Sniper? Ah, um, well, you know how I love to roll, but, uh, my wife ordered a new dust ruffle for our bedroom, and, uh, she had it shipped to the station.
If I'm not here to sign for it, they'll take it back to the package place, and that is a whole nightmare.
Love you guys.
(sighs) (grunts) (sighs) Uh, yeah, I got a delivery here for, uh, Clancy Wiggins.
"Wiggins"? N-N-No, it's Wiggum.
Wiggins? That's not even a real name.
What's a Wiggins? No, really, tell me.
Wh-What is that? Okay, so you're not Clancy Wiggins who ordered this, uh, Skymaster X5000 Jet Pack.
Jet pack? Of course I'm Clancy Wiggins, you idiot! "Chief Clancy Jetpack.
" Wow.
Well, boys, justice has a new name-- up.
Uh, Chief, it says here you need to take a 40-hour training course and get certified before you can legally I'm not the police anymore.
I'm the Sky Police.
(grunts) Okay, okay.
I think I got it.
No, I got it, I got it.
WIGGUM (to tune of "Baby Face"): Sky Police Chief Clancy Wiggins is the Sky Police A floating future cop, Sky Police Fly, police Squash perps on their heads They won't know why they're dead Sky Police In my jet pack, I'm flying high above the law I'm just like Superman Powered by great big fans I'll kill you all I'm Sky Police.
Ugh, why don't you take that thing off, Chief? It's starting to smell.
What, so you can steal it and be Sky Police? Oh, no.
No way.
I'm Brigadier General Clancy Wiggins.
Apparently a military-issue jet pack was mistakenly delivered here while I received this off-brand dust ruffle.
Um oh.
Well, there's only one floating future cop who can find that missing jet pack-- the Sky Police.
This is the end of Sky Police.
(screams) You were the wind beneath my ass.
Stupid church.
Why would Jesus want us to waste our weekend on extra boring, no-recess, dress-up school? Exactly.
The dude was a carpenter.
And those guys like to kick back on Sundays.
(chuckles) And I mean kick back.
Guys, church is good for your souls.
And remember, God is listening to your prayers.
What percentage of prayers really come true? Well, not all of them.
Like, um, 90%? God doesn't hear my prayers.
If he did, I'd be at home on the couch playing video games in a diaper.
Oh, God gets your prayers, but he just clicks delete without reading them, like e-mail updates from LinkedIn.
I hope no one was hurt.
So no church? (gasps) My prayers were answered.
(sighs) Boom.
Don't worry, Reverend, according to your policy, your church is covered for everything but acts of God.
But we believe everything that happens everywhere is an act of God.
My jiminy, you're right! We're off the hook! Hey! Those Cornell men at the head office are gonna be doing the Saluki Strut tonight! Go Southern Illinois! ALL: Saluki Strut! So we have no money to repair the church.
And developers are itching to build on our land.
Fast-casual dining downstairs, live-work lofts upstairs, and as an anchor store-- a chain pharmacy.
(gasping) Why, it's a mixed-use nightmare! This building is the heart of our community.
We have our weddings here, our funerals.
Our fun runs begin and end here.
I will not rest until it is rebuilt.
I can't believe it, but the church is going to have to ask people for money.
Who keeps putting pickle slices in here? I think I can help you get the money that you need.
But you don't go to our church.
Granted, I do not share your faith, but the yahoos in this town need a church to deliver weekly reminders not to steal-- from me.
And not to take a life-- my life.
Yar, without organized religion, I've lost me moral compass.
Also I've, uh, I've been addicted to Oxy for a while now yar.
Yar.
Now, this is what I have got in mind.
I will whisper even though we are alone.
All right, people, Marge has brought this heathen to aid us in our time of need.
Please do not call me a heathen.
It offends Hanuman, the monkey-headed lord of winds, who believed the sun to be a ripe mango Okay, I get it, I get why you say it.
Apu thinks we can get the money at the casino playing blackjack.
(gasping) The casino?! Blackjack's for suckers.
My brother? He used to own three Arby's franchises.
Lost 'em all at the tables and gave himself a shotgun tonsillectomy.
But you told me Uncle Stevie moved to Okinawa.
What I told you was to wait in the car.
No, no, you can beat the house.
By counting cards.
I myself have done it-- when I was a student at MIT, the Mumbai Institute of Tantric Sex, where I was recruited by a card-counting ring.
I won enough money to buy fake SAT scores I used to get into the real MIT, where I failed every class and was kicked out and had to move to Springfield.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
Am I hearing this right? Is the church council truly considering gambling? You know, Ned, the Bible never explicitly condemns gambling.
Biblical folks were always playing games of chance, like, uh, drawing lots.
(gasps) Leviticus drew lots.
Joshua drew lots, Nehemiah.
Even the apostles were lot-drawers.
(gasps) If gambling's okay, then I'm getting health insurance for the kids.
Card counting is not gambling.
It is math.
And it's not even against the rules.
Exactly.
If you are caught, you cannot be charged with any crime.
The worst they will do is beat you with a phone book or break some fingers.
But what is a little pain if your church is to be saved? It is all good.
Counting cards requires absolute focus.
You must ignore all casino distractions.
(slot machines ringing over stereo) (all coughing) And beware of cocktail waitresses with free drinks and eyeball-height cleavage.
They're not attractive, but you cannot look away.
Freshen your drink, hon? Who had the Scotch and soda? Cocktails.
Cocktails.
Another one, hon? You, what is the count?! (stammers) Get your head in the game, Mel! Now remember, for this legal- but-frowned-upon scheme to work, we must have complete secrecy.
Do not tell anyone what you are doing.
Not even Homer? (sighs) Homer is many things but not a good accomplice.
If he gets involved and this scheme fails, what happens to our church? (dance music plays) (all groan) Oh, even I saw that.
I guess I can't tell Homer.
I'm leaving for my fund-raising meeting.
Don't wait up.
Why are you church-Os getting together so late? I'm asking because I'm supposed to care about things.
Well, to raise money, we're putting on a revue.
Well, you can't go wrong with a revue.
Skits and songs? (chuckles) I'm entertained already.
Yeah, so, uh I'm going out to rehearse the revue.
Go.
Go make magic.
You just go.
(chuckles) Revue.
APU: Card counting is simple.
All sit at different tables, betting low, playing hand after hand, counting in your head how many high cards are left in the deck.
Ignore all distractions.
(stammering) When the count is high, you have a "hot deck," and the odds are in your favor.
Then you use a secret signal to call in "the Closer.
" The Closer bets big, wins bigger, and the casino never suspects that it has been the victim of a morally acceptable screw job.
But use caution-- there are eyes everywhere.
Sooner or later, the casino will catch on.
And that is when you must flash the "get the hell out" signal.
LOVEJOY: What a haul.
MARGE: Ooh.
One more night like this, and we'll be able to fix the church in style.
What a rush-- it got my blood pumping in a way I thought only quiet reflection could.
Fizzy water for everyone.
I think we can do something a little harder than that.
Mmm! Now, that's a marshmallow-y s'more-garita.
Homer, Homer, we did it.
(mumbling): Wh-What'd you do? We're going to save the church.
I feel like celebrating.
B-But but it's not on the calendar.
Okay, but if I'm sleepy at work tomorrow, I get to tell everyone why.
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
and 2:00 a.
m.
steak? Night-marriage rules! (sighs) I guess nothing gets the heart pumping like a church revue.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, the revue.
Oh, I got so many questions.
What are the skits about? Uh, pop culture and current events.
How do you transition between scenes? Hard blackouts or spotlight fades? Uh, both.
Nice.
You know, it wouldn't be a revue without songs.
Tell me about one.
Okay, uh, there's a song about, um how Democrats and Republicans can't get along.
It's called, "Cats and Dogs.
" (laughing): Oh.
You got yourself one hell of a show, Marge.
One hell of a show.
(sighs) Okay, okay, don't get cocky, you rapture-waiting baby-baptizers.
You had one good night, but now the casino is on to you.
They're not going to let you anywhere near those blackjack tables, unless you wear these.
MARGE: Disguises? I'm worried our scam is becoming dishonest.
Relax, Marge.
If God lets the Jews have Sunday on a Saturday, he'll be cool with this.
Why, I bet the Lord is pleased as punch that we're using that dirty casino money to rebuild his temple.
Our mission is LOVEJOY: Where has this been all my life? (Helen and Mrs.
Skinner moan) I could be Sideshow anyone.
I'm telling Mom about how the school freezer broke, and they had to cook all the Tater Tots, and the teachers took the extra Tots home in manila envelopes.
I'm telling her! You never let me tell.
Mom, the freezer broke and Cooked all the Tater Tots, Cooked all the Tater Tots.
and there were too many Tots, Too many Tots.
and there were manila envelopes, Manila envelopes.
and the teachers took them home BOTH: I hate you! MARGE: Okay, Mel.
I'll be at the casino by 10:00.
Meet me at the lounge by the J.
Geils cover band.
Mom, why are you going to a casino? Are you a hostess? Actually, my friends and I are using a system to win money to save the church.
I can't believe you're gambling.
It's not gambling.
It's math.
Is Dad in on this takedown? It's not a takedown.
And I haven't told him about it.
Yet.
But it's okay for you guys to know because you're finally grown-up enough to be trusted with adult information.
Yeah, we are grown-up.
I know how much to tip a waiter.
I go on hikes with my friends where we talk about our problems.
I'll tell your dad everything in the morning when we have the money.
But until then, I appreciate you keeping this very grown-up secret.
(sighs) Dump that money on the bed.
I'm taking a Franklin bath.
(imitates gargles, laughs) Yeah Dear Lord, thank you for granting us the gift of rationalization to allow us to scheme and swindle so that we might honor you.
Amen.
MARGE: Homie.
Homie, I can finally tell you how we really got the money.
(chuckles) Homie? (phone rings) Uh, Marge? Some casino guys have me, and they want the money you took from them or else.
(gasps) This is all my fault.
Just tell me one thing, Marge.
Why did you lose faith in the revue? I mean, "Cats and Dogs" writes itself.
Cats and dogs on Capitol Hill They don't get along and never will Cats and dogs, squabbles never ending Even with so much legislation pending.
Homie, how did you end up at the casino? Well, I was taking a moment to enjoy my after-dinner night cap Dad, Mom trusted us with a secret.
But she hasn't come home yet, and we're worried she's in trouble.
(burping): What?! BOTH: Mom's counting cards at the casino! Oh, if anything happens to Marge, (gasps) we'll all be orphans! (gasping) I'm coming for you, baby.
Have you seen this woman? Have you? Have you seen my wife? This is your wife? Do you know where she is? Uh, we'd like to ask you some questions in our "beating room.
" All right, as long as it's just questions.
Reverend! Reverend! They took Homer! Why are you still dressed like that? Um, well (chuckles nervously) HELEN: Oh, Asphodel Your corpse bride is getting cold.
Uh, one second, Belladonna.
Helen and I have found that, uh, these new personas have been quite liberating.
Was that a woman's voice? Send her in.
(throws up) If we don't give back the money we won counting cards, the casino people are going to hurt Homer.
Okay, uh Tiny snafu.
I've already given the money to the contractor.
Then we'll just have to ask that contractor to give the money back.
(laughs) Give the money back? (laughs) Hey, Jerry, Th-they want the money back.
La dama azul quiere devolver El dinero.
(all laughing) Are you gonna put my head in a vice? We don't do that-- we don't even have a vice.
We just want the money your wife stole from us.
Stole? How is counting cards stealing? Well, it's not really stealing.
Is it even cheating? No, but it's just not allowed.
I don't get it.
Football players can do the quarterback sneak and baseball players can steal bases.
Why can't I just remember which cards have been played? I can't take any more of this guy.
Get the vice! I knew you had a vice.
I knew it.
(grunting): I knew it.
I knew it.
I'm sorry, Marge.
Maybe your husband's suffering was all part of God's plan.
God's plan? God isn't some video gamer up there controlling us like we were Pac-Men and Dig Dugs.
God isn't Sky Police.
God didn't do this.
I lied to my husband.
And made my kids lie, too.
We did this.
She's right.
We thought we could enter the den of sin and emerge unscathed, but we were scathed.
Those free ginger ales at the casino, I-I didn't declare them on my taxes.
(grunts) I'm going to do what I should have done in the first place.
Put on a revue? (grunts) (groans) MARGE: Dear Lord, I don't have anywhere to pray anymore, so I've come to your new temple-- here.
Um, I don't know if you watch us all the time, or if we're just like an ant farm you got for your birthday and left on the shelf, and every once in a while, you check out what kind of crazy tunnels we've built.
Maybe we got it all wrong, praying for you to give us things we selfishly want.
Maybe prayer is just taking a moment to tell yourself that there is good in the universe.
And I'm going to sit here and focus on that good, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get my husband back.
(gasps) I'm Doug Blattner, COO of the gaming and resorts division of Stuffers Italian Foods.
My family loves your microwave lasagnas.
It's not my division, but I'll tell Bill Kelley you said so.
Your unsanctioned religious gathering has caused a marked decrease in gambling activities.
HPMs are down that's hands per minute.
IAMs, GDCs-- they're all down.
I want my husband back.
Hmm, let me run it by Jennifer Yang.
Oh, wait, she's on maternity leave.
Don't worry-- I'm sure Chuck Bennett will sign off on it.
We are going to release your husband.
See, Marge, someone up in the sky did hear your prayers.
They sure did-- casino management.
(grunts) You are free to leave as long as your faith-based card-counting group never return to this or any other river or maritime casino.
No deal! But we don't need to come back.
We saved the church.
No! An injustice has gone on here for too long! I'm not leaving this casino until you stop punishing people for counting cards.
They're just playing the game by the rules.
(people cheer) (shouts) Homie, after all this, do you still believe in God? On a beautiful night like tonight, how could I not? LOU: Next week on Sky Police (chuckles) "Sky police" Shh!