The Simpsons s26e17 Episode Script

Waiting For Duffman

(humming) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (grunting) (grunting) (grunting) (grunting) Huh? Ay, caramba! (chuckles) I haven't ridden a bike since Lance Armstrong was a good guy.
Geez, Lis, you're riding the girliest bike in the world.
Ooh, I stand corrected.
(hums) Hey, dipwad, bikes only.
I need to pay my water bill.
Not on motorized transport, you don't.
What you need to get is out of our way.
Yeah, bikes win again! (train toots) Trains win again! When will you people give up your dependence on handlebars? Quite a Schwinn-dig, eh? Shut up, biking Flanders.
(bicycle bell dings) Chief, no, don't go in the doughnut shop! Your pants are too tight! Oh, I'm just gonna eat one little Drinkers, if you go on the wagon, make sure it's the Duff Beer Wagon.
Oh, yeah! Duffman, how about a 21-thrust salute to America's military? My hips are proud to honor our endless war.
One, two, three (cracking) Ow, God! Something's wrong with Barry.
Never use my mortal name in public.
I have very troubling news.
(chuckles) Duffman is undergoing hip replacement surgery.
Now, Barry will be fine, but as of this moment there is no Duffman.
(gasping) They came for Joe Camel, and I said nothing.
They came for the Frito Bandito, and still I said nothing.
So what are you saying now? About what? (humming) (groans) (humming) KENT BROCKMAN: Duffman, the man, has retired.
But Duffman, the idea, endures.
Authorities are unsure whether the empty bottles are a beautiful tribute or just drunks too lazy to find a trash can.
Either way, the Duff Corporation announces an open televised competition to find out who will be the next Duffman.
In other news, the Chinese land on Mars.
Also, no more elephants.
Now, for more cool, refreshing news Marge, what would you think if I tried out to be Duffman? I know why you want to be Duffman.
It's so you can drink free beer and get shnockered all day.
Sure, I admit I get "shnockered" once in a while.
I might have been "lacquered" from time to time.
I may have, how you say, had a subconjunctival hemorrhage.
(chuckles) But this isn't about that.
Then what is this about? Marge, if I died today, the obituary would read, "H.
Simpson, father of three, extra pallbearers needed.
" Being Duffman would give me another line.
Okay, sweetie, you can try.
Great, but it won't be easy.
I got to start practicing now.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Ow! (theme music playing) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, your hostess, the inescapable Cat Deeley.
Are you ready to find out who will be America's next Duffman? Yes, Cat, yes! A million times, yes! America's next Duffman will be selected by the planet's foremost experts in the field of party starting-- best-selling electronica artist, Der Zip Zorp.
Former Duff Girl and current senator from Oklahoma, the Honorable Missy LeBeau.
I look reasonable, but I'm not.
And billionaire Mumbai entrepreneur, Rajneesh Superstar.
Bottle service, ballers! (audience cheers) Now let's welcome the Chairman of Duff Industries, Mr.
H.
K.
Duff VII.
Thank you, Cat.
I just want to say, if we can't find ourselves a Duffman out of this group, then maybe we'll just give up on the concept.
Brilliant! Now, let's find our Duffman.
I'm coming up So you better get this party started I'm coming up Oh, yeah! My two favorite words aside from "Seacrest passed," can I get an "Oh, yeah"? Oh, ja.
(crowd jeering) Oh, yes.
(jeering) Ach.
NELSON: Haw-haw.
Vo-de-oh-doh-doh.
(jeering) Oh, yeah! (crowd cheering) I'm coming up So you better get this party started I'm coming up So you better get Did you miss me? Like Mexico misses California.
It's down to two.
And before revealing our results, former Duffman, Barry Huffman, is here to wish you luck.
I was told there would be morphine.
Oh, yeah.
Homer, any last thoughts on what Duff means to you? Without Duff, I wouldn't have have brought three beautiful children into the world.
That's right, man.
We're beer babies.
AUDIENCE: Aw (groans) The judges are conferring.
(discussing) We have our decision.
Karma is in the house, dawg! Homer, your words were beautiful.
That is exactly why you're America's Next Top Duffman runner-up! (cheers) (groans) The real winner is America's new hero-- contestant number 12! (dance music playing) (making alarmed computer noises) What is it, Der Zip Zorp? Olde Ogdenville Ale? He drinks a competitor.
Reverse the confetti.
And check the fat guy for tattoos.
Just one that says "Marge Madness.
" These reality shows really leave you no privacy.
Well, I guess that makes this guy Duffman.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, do I get the confetti?! One confettus.
Ow! I mean (whoops) I mean, oh, yeah! (squawking) (squawks) That's how we'll tell the trades you got the job.
Seems awfully overproduced.
Just take the oath.
Night gathers, and now my Duff watch begins.
It shall not end until my death.
Or my 13-week option is not picked up.
I shall take no wife, hold no lands, and father no children, except for the wife and house and kids I'm already stuck with.
I shall wear no other beer's crowns.
I am the six-pack hidden in Daddy's secret cabinet.
I put the "fest" in Oktoberfest and sell for eight bucks at ballparks, though I have nothing to offer but my suds, head and beers, and promotional cozies, for this night and all the nights to come.
MAN: When life looks hopeless, it's not.
Duff Beer, feeling no pain Made from Canadian rain Tastes like nickel champagne It will tickle your brain Duff Beer, feeling no pain Made from Canadian rain.
And here's a painting of my ancestor Ichabod Duff, crossing the Duffaware River.
Ah, hell, this is all BS.
Duffman was a fascist icon my grandfather repurposed 'cause he couldn't get the damn rights to Woody Woodpecker.
Mr.
Duff, can I ask what's in this safe? Little lady, inside that safe is the formula for Duff itself, known only to three people-- me, Condoleezza Rice, and my brother-in-law Terry.
And the combination is not known to any human Uh, what the? "Schlitz plus water.
" Why don't you kids run off and play in the bottle cap pit? Don't cut yourselves! Mr.
Duff, I want to say something.
I'm proud of my husband, but I'm not sure if this is something Homie should be doing.
Just what do you mean? Well, aren't you making him a superhero so that beer looks cool to kids? (laughs) Uh, Marge, let me tell you a little something about beer.
Do you know why man stopped running around, lassoing mastodons, and became civilized? No.
So he could grow hops and make beer.
It's true.
Oh.
Our beer has helped people celebrate weddings.
Enjoy a good game.
Ease the pain of a lost loved one.
That's the tradition your husband will inherit.
Geez, now you make me want to drink it.
Attagirl, have a designer bag.
Now, Homer, there is one thing we needed to do in private.
Okay, what? Ow! Hey, that's not my butt! We've injected a chip in you that detects the slightest presence of alcohol in your blood.
You see, Duffman cannot drink.
(laughing): What? That's funny.
I thought you just said that Duffman can't drink.
(laughs) But that would be crazy.
They all fight it at first.
(laughs) You wouldn't tell Batman he couldn't eat bats.
When you're Duffman, you're at work, Homer.
You wouldn't go to the nuclear plant drunk, would you? Uh Well, uh My husband won't have any problem not drinking.
Yeah The only reason he wanted to become Duffman was to be respected and beloved.
Uh And what better way to do that than to be stone-cold sober? (moans) When my husband put on that costume, he didn't just put on a sleeveless shirt that says "Duff" on it and a cape for some reason, he put on responsibility.
And boots that I don't think will hold up in the rain.
But the point is-- it's not about being drunk, it's about being someone.
You're right, Marge.
I will do something no one has ever done-- be fun sober.
What a crisp and refreshing attitude.
Hey, this stuff is pretty good.
Mmm, foamy Marge.
(babbling) Uh, that's the chip.
No drinking.
I was licking my wife.
Can you believe they put a chip in my arm, and I can't drink beer? Ah.
Ah, gee, tough break.
Maybe Moe could dig it out with a corkscrew.
Yeah.
Oh, I would love that, Homer, I really would.
But then Duff might take away my neon sign, and, uh, it's the only thing lighting the bar.
BARNEY: Whoa, creepy.
(Bart and Lisa laugh mischievously) Stop shooting those at each other.
Relax, honey, no one's ever been killed by a T-shirt cannon.
Oh, no, it's the 5:00 blahs.
CLOCKS: Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Help us, Duffman! (laughs heroically) (screams) Drink Duff! (crowd cheers) Care to team up with Fruit Batman? I'm thinking of dumping Kid Sourpuss here.
I'm a hero.
Oh, I can see my obituary now.
Wow.
Wow.
COMMENTATOR: Watkins putting for the championship.
It's breaking towards the hole.
Time to move from the links to the drinks! (cheering) Well, if you guys like commercials, you're gonna love this.
Wait, we never said we liked commercials.
Drink, drink Let the toast start May young hearts never part Drink, drink, drink Let every true lover salute his sweetheart Drink, drink, drink to H.
K.
, this new Duffman is driving sales straight up.
Turns out, men like men who look worse than them selling them beer.
Why did it take us 142 years to discover this? Because executives are incompetent, sir? Well, then why do I have so many? Studies show when a decision is made by a group, everyone feels more confident, even though the decision could be incredibly stupid.
Is this true? (affirming) Can't argue with that.
What do you guys think? (affirming) Did I hear a no from section C-72? Oh, uh, no, that was a, uh, "whoa!" (chuckling): Oh.
Give the whole lower bowl a raise.
Uh, welcome aboard, Duffman.
Fair warning now-- at the end, I just might ask for an autograph for my son.
Here you go-- they're all pre-signed.
With nicknames.
Buddy, Sport, Tiger, Red.
Uh, give me a "Red.
" I'll start calling him that now, and then give it to him on his birthday.
Now, where to, sir? Oh, this is a romantic night.
How about everywhere? All right.
Navigator, set a course for everywhere.
Where the hell is that? I said everywhere! Now, Homer, look through the beeriscope, and gaze upon the wonderful world that you and Duff have created.
Captain, it never dawned on me beer could have such a dark side.
You must be talking about new Duff Stout.
Take us down.
I have to think.
To be honest, you said you wanted to go everywhere.
So we ran out of fuel an hour ago, but I didn't want to disappoint you, so I will toss down a tow rope.
Hey, come here.
Man Uh this is not good.
(sighs) Marge, do you ever worry that you made a giant mistake in your life? Oh, um I need a little context.
Not drinking beer has given me the clearness of mind to realize drinking beer is bad.
I've got to undo what I've done.
Hey, how you doing? Is this the most outrageous party you've ever been to? (cheering, affirming) Well, guess what.
You've all been served nothing but nonalcoholic Duff.
(spectators gasping) BARNEY: Then why am I throwing up right now? As Duffman, I had the power to switch the beer trucks working this race.
(screams) So you see, you don't need beer to have a good time.
Join Duffman today in saying, "I've had enough of that life-ruining Duff!" Why the hell did you do this? Because Duffman is a hero.
And with great taste comes great responsibility.
Well, "hero," here come your fans.
(shouting indistinctly) (yelps) (engine starts) So long, suckers! (laughing maniacally) What the?! So long, suckers! (Homer laughing maniacally) What the?! It's a circle.
So the answer is-- go in reverse.
So long, suckers.
(Homer laughing maniacally) What the?! I'm not sure how many more times we can watch Dad chased down by an angry crowd before it affects us psychologically.
As a family therapist, I can assure you that you have all the coping skills you need.
Why is Lisa talking to an empty seat? See you next Tuesday, Dr.
Schulman.
Oh, right.
You're in Maui.
(whimpers) Hey, my beer.
(screams) (panting frantically) (gargling) Get him back in uniform.
Hmm.
Homer, now, listen to me.
You're in a stadium surrounded by people who want to kill you.
They don't have the guts.
Ow.
Now, there's one way out of your hell.
Prove you still love beer.
Drink this with gusto.
B-But the chip.
There never was a chip.
It was all the power of suggestion.
You tricked me! And I trusted you after you snuck up and injected me without my consent.
Just drink the beer, pretty boy.
Whatever you do, you'll be my hero.
Now you're pushing it.
Homie, it's time to go.
Come on, come on.
Give me the beer inside you! This place seems even sadder than before.
Uh, yeah, well, I kind of gloomed it up a little while you were gone.
Nothing to see here, sunshine.
(sighs) (slurring): H-Hey, y-you used to be Duffman.
Can I get a picture with you? (gasps) I finally made it.
I'm a has-been.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Ah, let's make it official, eh? Aw Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Sir, may I interest you in a French hazelnut latte and an Iggy Azalea CD? I'm not here for three-buck coffee.
I'm here to ask you to be Duffman again.
And to use the bathroom.
I don't know what you're talking about, sir.
Fine, can you tell me where your travel mugs are? Yeah, over there.
Come on, Barry, I know it's you.
Sorry, H.
K.
, I traded in my beer goggles for coffee-grinding pince-Nez.
Are you telling me you don't miss the big time? The girls on the side, the corporate jet? There's talk of an animated series.
Duffman would like a job where he could phone it in.
You just called yourself Duffman.
Duffman never took off his tights! Let's go, girls! But we're managers here.
They learned the register better than me! Oh, yeah! I see it as kind of a-a triumph of-of doing your work from that very pure place of-of just doing stuff that you, uh, personally enjoy.
Shh!