The Simpsons s26e18 Episode Script

Peeping Mom

(Marge groaning) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (sizzling, popping) (groans) Excuse me? I'm having trouble with the on-off button on my phone.
Okay, let me check your settings, your photos.
I don't see why you need to do that.
Wow, that guy's really fat.
That's my husband! Oh! Let me talk to another salesman.
Oh, I'm not a salesman.
I'm just a guy in a blue shirt.
Oh! Okay, Maggie, from now on, we only talk to people at stores with name tags.
I've said it before, but this time, I mean it.
(tires screech) (gasps) What happened? Oh, someone snuck into the construction site, stole a bulldozer and went joyriding all over town.
(cat meows) Don't worry.
I have a suspect.
Ha! (gasps) I can't stand to see anything suffer.
Now I've got everything I need to convict your boy, except for motive, means and opportunity.
You also have no evidence.
That's implied! So, I'm remanding him Is that a word-- "remanding"? Yeah, uh, to your custody.
Maybe a mother can find out what a police chief can't.
(phone chimes) Hmm? What? Oh! Let's go.
Monarch butterfly, earwig, roly-poly, doodlebug, beer cap, ant, beer bottle, Barney.
All right, I'm on a list! (dog barking) (gasps) Flanders got a new dog! (barking) Aw, what's her name? Mahershalalhasbaz.
We just call her Baz.
Now it's time for her Christian doggy training.
This will be interesting.
Sit.
Kneel.
Pray.
Play dead.
Now resurrect.
And sit in glory at the right hand of Todd.
Finally, a religion that makes sense.
All right, Mr.
Smarty, what went on back there? Mom, why is it the only time you call me smart is when you're being sarcastic? Really? Do I do that? Because I really shouldn't.
You're the one in trouble here, bub! Why don't you think about what you just did? Why don't you think about what you just did? Hmm.
I will live with that forever, but this is about you.
I swear to you on my mother's grave, I didn't do a thing! Sorry, sorry.
So, the Flanderses got a new dog, and it knows my name! Good for you, little girl! Marge, Bart, I've noticed neither of you have said a word all meal.
Are there feelings going unexpressed here? Because if there are I believe someone at this table isn't telling us the truth.
Master Bart Simpson! Kids, could you excuse us for a moment? Your mother and I need to have an adult conversation.
What'd he do? What'd he do? (laughs) Your son stole a bulldozer.
How do you know? - A mother knows.
Does a wife know things? - Yes.
(shrieks) I believe we were talking about Bart.
I'm afraid I don't know how to handle him anymore.
Oh, Bart's ten.
He's too old to be handled.
We should just think of excuses for when he goes bonkers.
Oh.
"Acne medicine.
" When in doubt, blame the acne medicine.
No, I'm not giving up on Bart, just like I didn't give up on our marriage when you quit your job to start the North American Sumo League.
The NASL would have made money if someone had washed a few sumo loincloths for me! I said I would do yours, but not the whole dojo.
Bart, get in here! Look me in the eye and tell me you know nothing about that bulldozer.
I know nothing about that bulldozer.
MARGE: This is bad.
He can't tell his mother what he does.
Where will that lead? (with Irish accent): Any last words, boyo? I know nothing about that bulldozer.
Give him the juice! (electricity crackling) (laughs) Which one's yours? The one being electrocuted! I've never seen an eyeball pop so fast.
I wish I could tell you about that bulldozer, but how can I explain something I know nothing about? I am not cable news.
Stop it! Stop it! Stop lying right now! But-but you have to believe me.
You're my mom! All right, I will believe you on this.
Smart.
But until then, I'm going to keep my eye on you.
All the time.
All the time? How are you gonna change Maggie? Ah, close enough.
OTTO: All aboard.
Mom, what are you doing? I told you, to trust you, I have to watch you.
All the time.
Mmm.
You're gonna be riding this bus? I'm going to be watching my son wherever he goes.
Then you'd better go out the back, 'cause that's where he went.
D'oh! (barking) Oh, you must be Flanders' new dog.
I just want to apologize in advance for the things I'm gonna blame on you.
Homer, meet Baz.
(barking) - (laughing) Oh, sorry, Flanders.
I'm sure she has fun with you.
(laughs) She sure likes you.
Must be the cheeseburgers in your sweat.
Cheeseburgers in my sweat.
Really? Now, apparently, I have cheeseburgers in my sweat.
I can leave any time, Bart.
Just tell me what happened with that bulldozer.
Next question.
- Fine.
Which papers on the walls are yours? None of them.
Is that the boy who copies off you? I copy off him?! What brand of poppycock is this miscreant feeding you, madam? Okay, Mom, I admit it.
There's a few lies I told you that you're gonna find out.
Simpson, you said your mother was dead.
(groans) She's become a zombie! Run! (humming) Mom, churros are good for you.
They're ethnic.
Hey, Simpson, you need your mommy to cut your carrots for you? He can cut his own carrots.
Baby carrots 'cause he's a baby! (laughter) Brilliant! Mom, Dad does plenty of stuff you don't like.
Why don't you follow him? Following an adult is creepy.
Following your kid is parenting.
I'm so lucky my mom's in Gainesboro, Florida I think.
Is my mom still outside? She's swinging on a swing, and Ralph's pushing her.
RALPH: Hello! Good-bye! Hello! Good-bye! Hello! Good-bye! Hello! Good-bye! Hello! Good-bye! I am never leaving this tube.
Sorry, lad.
You've been in more than five minutes, so I've got to remove you.
And I'm authorized to use the greatest weapon at me disposal.
(playing "Highland March") No! Scotland! 1,200 years, and we've only written one song! (resumes playing) (loud gulping) Man.
(gulps) Staying on this all-pork-chop diet is easier than I thought.
That diet doesn't work.
You have to give it a year.
So, how was school today? Well, actually, I caused quite a ruckus in the nurse's office by pointing out they weren't putting fresh paper on the lay-down table.
Very good, sweetie.
Could you lean back? I have to focus on your brother.
Sure, sure.
No need to worry about Lisa.
Lisa's always fine.
No worries there.
Nah.
(scratching sound) (barking) Aw.
What are you doing here? I bet you escaped, and now Flanders is worried sick.
I should call him after I scratch your tummy! That's right! Who likes their tummy scratched while Flanders is worried sick? You do! You do! Yes, you do! Oh, he doesn't know where you are.
(laughing): Yes, he's probably crying right now.
(growling) Come on, boy.
We'll go to my room.
I can play jazz, or give you a bath, or (sighs) Never chooses jazz.
Hmm? (grunts) - (groans) Middle child.
No one cares about the middle child.
Never, ever gonna change.
Lisa, can I talk to you? Oh, here it is, the quick check-in every two years just like clockwork.
All right, let me speak to you in a language you'll understand.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, Lisa never gets it.
She's great, and everyone knows that.
Oh, man, trying to stay mad.
I'm kind of impressed that Dad's making an effort.
It's not really like him.
I shouldn't say this.
I should never say this, but I will.
She's my favorite child.
Oh, now he's pulling out the big guns.
Oh, I don't want to pout anymore.
If he offers me ice cream, I'm gonna break.
You want some ice cream? (whoops) - Yes! Ice cream.
Oh, yeah, it's kid whiskey.
I knew he was gonna break.
I'm gonna write a song.
That makes them happy, and the best part is Is there such a thing as happy blues? There is now.
(whoops) I get some ice cream, too.
(Homer laughing, dog barking) Boys, isn't that the ball that she won't play with? She likes it when Uncle Homer throws it.
He's not your uncle! So that means I can marry Maggie? Quit asking me that! (rustling in brush) Be ye friend or foe? Well, be ye? (sighs) This is the only place I can go my mom doesn't know about.
Bart, you know you're always welcome to come stay in my tree house.
You don't have a tree house.
My dad's gonna build it.
That's why I didn't get a present from him last birthday and Christmas.
It's gonna be some tree house.
Milhouse, you don't even have a tree.
He's gonna plant it soon.
He just has to get enough money together to buy a pack of apple seeds.
Just hand me the Mountain Doo.
Your mom says that makes you bloated.
Give me the damn Doo! Finally safe from my mom.
She wouldn't want to come way out here and ruin her dainty little shoes.
(loud rustling, booming footsteps) (yowls) When she's got that much hair spray, nothing can stop her.
How'd you find me? Spool of thread in your pants.
I'll respool it for you.
I'm good at doing things so I can pretend there isn't a fight going on.
Mom, you have gone too far.
Superman's mom would never go in his Fortress of Solitude! Actually, the Fortress of Solitude has a statue of Superman's mother.
Stop reading my comics! I can't help it-- you leave them out everywhere.
When will you leave me alone? When you tell me about that bulldozer.
I know nothing about that bulldozer! Milhouse, is there something you know about the bulldozer? Well, I know the bulldozer was invented in 1923 by James Cummings and J.
Earl McLeod.
Now, please, let me focus on the thread! Got to get out.
Get to get out.
HOMER: D'oh! Dad, are you gonna snitch on me? Moe's before bros! (quietly): Crouching Tiger, Hidden Mom.
Whoopsy.
(silence) (engine grinding) Hmm? Oh! (dog growling playfully) "Property of Ned Flanders"? That means you got this from Homer.
Lord, I truly love this dog, but maybe she'd be happier next door.
But I don't want to give her up unless you think it's the best.
As always, I will interpret the lack of any sort of response as a sign of thy will.
(sad sigh) Well, the kid passed through again.
We can all go inside.
Nice rowing, Bart.
Good job.
Stop caring about me! (panting) Sweetie, let me help you up.
Your nagging is melting my bones.
(whining) (continues whining) Okay, fine! I'm giving you one more chance, buster.
Tell me about that bulldozer! What bulldozer? You're in charge of yourself.
Get home whenever.
My parenting stops now.
Oh.
Okay, now.
(sighs) At last! A way off Lepers Island! Oh (gasps) Boys, I realize now that Baz would be happier in another home.
So we're giving her to Ho Ho Ho We're giving her to Santa? No! Someone fatter.
Oh, I'm sorry, boys, that you had to hear that mild insult.
Mild insults are like mild salsa-- they still burn! (quietly): Bart, should I shut the door? No need.
My mom's cool now.
Check it out-- last night, I stayed up till 10:45.
Oh, my God! BART: I took a picture so I could show everybody.
Now let me show you what I've been planning.
(à la Mayor Quimby): Er, uh, welcome to our celebration of, er, uh, our city's lame-o sign.
You nailed him! "Fie"? Yeah.
Look it up.
"Used to express disgust or outrage"? (gasps) That's the worst F-word there is! Bart, I'm not butting in anymore, so you don't have to hide things under your blanky.
It isn't a blanky anymore.
Hasn't been for three months! So, we want you to have our dog.
You just give her love, and I'll pay for all the shots.
Shots? What, is she going to India? Bye, Baz.
(barks) (sniffling) HOMER: Aw, geez, I can't stand to see Flanders sad.
Or happy.
Pretty much can't stand to see Flanders.
But he'll need something to cheer him up when his boys run away.
You know what, Flanders? I think you should take her back.
Homer, don't be crazy.
Look at that tail wag for you.
Have you seen what it does for me? No, no, no.
To her, I'm just another dog.
A dog she's in love with but can never have.
But she's only got one of you, Flanders-- the guy who will take care of her forever.
Oh, thank you, Homer.
This has been the happiest dog day afternoon ever.
Aw I'm still not sure-- did you do that bulldozer thing before? You were there.
Maybe when I hit you with the blade, you forgot some stuff.
I was trying to get your attention, but it was heavier than I thought.
Well, no one fought more than Cummings and McLeod when they invented the bulldozer.
Even the name "bulldozer" was a great source of Aah! Bart, I can't do this.
No offense, but I have a mother who still loves me.
QUIMBY: We come here today to honor this sign, which was purchased, letter by letter, from other failed towns.
Huh? Aw, stupid Mom.
Stuck something in my backpack.
Typical.
Oh, man, she makes good chicken.
You're the best boy a mom could want.
I've failed as a mother! I'm growing a conscience! I've got to change this prank.
Much better.
(creaking) Our iconic sign is aquiver! (nervous chuckle) Everyone remain calm.
This is a part of the show.
(quietly): VIP's, follow me.
Much better.
I don't seen nothing wrong.
Better to die a VIP than to live as an ordinary American citizen.
SKINNER: It says "F-D.
" It's a tribute to the fire department.
(crowd cheers) The chili-cooking saints of the city! It's true-- we do love our chili.
The secret is stirring it.
I'm a huge fan.
That's why I wear suspenders and start little fires here and there.
(panting): Mom, Mom I learned there's a line I won't cross, and it's 'cause of you and your chicken.
That woman does make convincing chicken.
You're the best boy a mother could want if you tell me about the bulldozer.
All right.
It was me.
(gasps) Why, you little (quiet grunting) (chuckles) Yeah, harder to strangle than it looks, isn't it, Marge? Oh And you're under arrest.
How'd you figure it out? I heard you say it.
The only way I solve any crime.
You don't have to stop hugging.
(coughing) So you see, Mom, because of the wrinkled lay-down paper in the nurse's office, I got mono.
You really should've kept your eyes on that ball.
Oh, all these problems.
You kids are like whack-a-moles.
Oh, that reminds me.
Maggie hurt herself playing whack-a-mole.
Aw.
Come here, you.
Come here.
I know I've been having my fun elsewhere, and no one could blame you if you didn't take me back, but if you'll have me, I'll take you on the longest walk of your life! No hills.
Dogs-- so easy to make up with.
(theme from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly playing) (meows) Shh!