The Simpsons s26e19 Episode Script

The Kids Are All Fight

Oh, for gloyvin' out loud.
(exclaiming) (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing harp solo) (playing harp solo) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) Well, this is a no-brainer.
(whoops) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! (groans) Now what? (screams) (sighs) Well, I better get going.
Should I just put that on your tab? No, I'll pay off my bill.
Hmm? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Someone's actually paying? Now let me see if I remember how to open this thing.
Some kind of button or knob.
(bell dings) So that's what that noise means.
Just take your stupid money.
Huh? Hey, this jacket's full of old stuff.
I knew I wasn't getting my money.
D'oh! Losers.
What the? Oh.
Ooh! Here's a roll of film I never developed.
Well, too late for that.
All those photo developing joints are either knocked down or have been turned into deer blinds.
Eh, listen, Homer.
Uh, I can develop this for you.
Yeah, this bar is so poorly lit, it's legally a darkroom.
Mmm mmm.
And the best part is, Duff is chemically indistinguishable from developing fluid.
Way to go, Duff! I'm developing quite a thirst.
Now, there's an eight-by-ten I can enjoy.
(squeals) Here you go, Midge.
I played with the colors and changed the lighting, but I could only make your kids so cute and no cuter.
This is so exciting.
It's like a sneak peek into the long-forgotten world of six years ago.
Yeah, well, beware.
These pictures show that six years ago, Bart and Lisa were fighting like creationists and common sense.
(gasp) Hey, photos don't lie, my friend.
(worried groaning) Would you like a matte finish? Sure.
(Moe chuckles) There you go.
And I know if I don't I'll go out of my mind Better leave her behind With the kids, they're all right The kids are all right The kids are all right.
Homer, you shot all these pictures.
Why didn't you step in? The light was so good, Marge.
It was like Florence in May.
I don't get it.
How come I was always fighting with Señorita Stupid? (groans) Don't waste beer.
And how did we reach the uneasy alliance we enjoy today? Well, it's quite a story.
A story of a special bond between a brother and a sister.
I'd say our story is a tragedy.
Like the Planet of the Apes.
The tragedy being they can never stop making them.
Hey, come on.
The first and eighth movies were pretty darn good.
Now, as for you kids, it all began six years ago.
The president of back then was the president.
The popular music of those times was all the rage.
Wherever we went, you kids fought.
"Penny the Penguin wanted to go to the North Pole.
Wally the Walrus wanted to go to the South Pole.
" I guess you could say they were "polar opposites.
" (groans) You see, they're polar opp I get it.
It's just not funny.
You know what's funny? This.
Goodnight Moon? Good night, Bart! (grunting) (groans) Did I hear someone whispering hush? (worried groaning) (whispering): I want you to get out.
And stay out! (whispering): Thank you.
So that's why we started going to story time at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Remember when Apu let Dad have the expired hot dogs? (groans) Just once, and I'm still taking medication for it.
(groans) So many photos of you kids fighting.
That's why we never developed that roll.
What? Back to that story? Why can't you just relax and be nice to your sister? My bed scares me.
That's ridiculous.
Now, just close your eyes and nuzzle in under the big clown fangs.
Sweet dreams.
She took my pencil.
Lisa, there are plenty of mini golf pencils in the kitchen drawer.
Tell Bart, because it's my pencil and he stole it! (grunts) Starfish head! I can write your name better than you.
(humming) (groans) (over speaker): A.
Ow! E.
Ow! I.
Ow! O.
You jerk! Ow! Why, you little ("Also Sprach Zarathustra" playing) (angry groaning) (choking) (chuckles) Where is he learning this violence? (sighs) Things got so bad between Bart and Lisa, I was losing sleep.
(gasping) Homer.
Homer, I just had the worst dream.
I lost one of the kids at the World's Fair.
It's okay.
Which one? Brisbane '88.
(gasps) That's so horrible, baby.
I know, I know.
Now, don't worry.
They're right here in the bed.
(sleepy grunting) We have to find some answers.
(scoffs) Answers.
That's your answer for everything.
My findings are that one of your children is smart and good, and the other is dim and evil.
Professionally, I'm not permitted to say which is which.
Is it the boy? I told you, I can't say.
BART: What did that say? We're done here.
Not so fast.
We have 40 minutes left.
All right, we'll do a trust exercise.
Shut your eyes.
What are we going to do? It's not so bad, sweetie.
I took a box of Altoids from her waiting room.
The most anyone has ever gotten out of therapy.
(groaning) (grunting) Watch it! Trying to mow.
The city's making me do this.
Hey, neighboreeno.
(groans) Maude and I know how hard it is to be dealt a pair of little jokers.
Daddy, may we please go tuck ourselves in for naps now? Now, you know you can't tuck yourselves in till you're 18.
Go get Mommy.
(humming happily) I'm sorry you had to witness that.
Me, too.
Anyway, Maude and I thought you'd like to hang out with adults and have some mature conversatiaroonies, so we'd like to take you to brunch.
Brunch? I wish.
Can't get a sitter 'cause our kids are nuts, and no kennel will take them.
Now, sir, don't you waffle on that brunch.
Grandma Flanders can watch the kids.
Hello, Joe.
Doesn't know who I am has trouble moving I'd say we have ourselves babysitter.
I just turned a hundred.
Eight bucks an hour.
I can't hear you.
I said seven bucks! (over speaker): "Woe to you, scribes, Pharisees, hypocrites.
For you tithe mint and dill and cumin.
" Todd, I like how gentle you are with that toy.
Enough nonsense.
It's time for prayers.
I don't know any prayers.
Is "hell's bells" a prayer? 'Cause Daddy says it all the time.
(screaming) (Homer humming) Woop and woop and ziperoo.
(moaning) I never said this before, but the food can wait.
(gasps) What do you mean? Let's role- play.
Okay, but fast.
Um, um, got it.
Uh, me: seagull.
You: boardwalk trash can.
Ooh! (cawing) Well, isn't this a great chance to drink more water? My bladder's going to burst.
I know you've haa few too many waters, but that is no reason for the sailor talk.
She's awfully quiet.
Her body usually whistles.
Well, this always wakes my grandpa up.
(both scream) (continue screaming) HOMER: Another bride Another June MARGE: Another sunny honeymoon Another season Another reason MARGE: For what we're doing.
(Homer caws) They're never that happy when we're around.
(lullaby chimes) BOTH: Ice cream truck! Mmm, that was wonderful.
My favorite kind of weekend morning.
A sexy snuggle while our rotten kids are someone else's problem.
(laughs) (laughs harder) (gasping laughs) Bart, those are strangers.
You're right, let's go where it's safe.
(horn honks) MAN: Watch it! (horn honking) Faster, faster.
Your brother is stupid.
The wheel I'm inside goes round and round Round and round, round and round The boat I'm on board goes up and down Up and down, up and down Thank you for a wonderful brunch.
I don't know what I liked more-- the personalized omelets or the light jazz combo.
I liked when the trumpet player's cheeks got really big.
That's good music.
(Ned gasps) (screams) Grandma Flanders has passed.
Where are our kids? Gone.
Looks like once Grandma turned to dust, they took a powder.
Sorry if that seems a little flip.
(hyperventilating): Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Don't worry, sweetie.
We'll call the local police, and they'll find our kids.
We never used them till now, but I'm sure they're highly competent.
Gunderson, before we hire you, one final test.
Can you get these handcuffs off of me? Uh, might seem like a one-time situation, but it's not.
(telephone rings) Hey, you know, I used to represent Silver Star Police Supplies.
Then they gave my territory to the owner's nephew.
And they wonder why they lost Jackson City.
I was Jackson City! Yeah, focus on the cuffs, please.
Well, well.
Look who's burning plastic.
It's mine.
Give it back.
Looks like someone hasn't learned-- you don't argue with bullies.
Thank goodness I have a teaching fist.
(laughing) (Lisa crying) What's her problem? Please, don't hurt my brother.
Aw, come on.
Don't cry.
This is why I'm so nervous about becoming a dad.
(snorts, cries) I'm crying out my nose.
(snorts, cries) Fine, you babies can go.
Let's go over to Mommy & Me and cut holes in the parachute so it doesn't billow properly.
(laughs) Baby! All right, let's move.
Why aren't you crying? I was pretending, and it worked.
You know, kid, with your smarts and my Barts, we make a good team.
What are "Barts"? You're the smart one, you figure it out.
(nervous groaning) I sure hope this book is right.
(door opens) HOMER: Marge, I'm back.
Sorry, nothing.
But if we have a third kid, we should call her Maggie.
Why Maggie? It's a good name if we lose her.
Maggie? Maggie? Going back out.
Maggie? All right, I'm turning to a desperate mother's last resort.
(sighs) I hope it works.
Psychic hotline.
Selma? You're a psychic now? I'm filling in for a friend.
She got hit by a car.
Never saw it coming.
(groans) I'll never see my kids again.
I'm sensing it's all your husband's fault.
That'll be $20.
(groans) I know this place.
It's where Grampa and his friends the monsters live.
(creepy moaning) (moans) I want to pinch 'em.
Teach me how to use my phone.
Stay away from my grandchildren, you love-sucking ghouls.
(moaning like zombies) (muttering) Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I made it out of clay.
(moans) Where did you go? Now, you have some candy, while I tell the nurses station to go get your folks.
(snoring) I guess you should be in charge, Lisa.
You'll always be half my age, but you'll always be smarter than me.
Don't worry, Bart, you'll always think you're in charge, even though I secretly will be.
Thank you.
Listen up, you childless losers.
I need you to help me find my kids.
Any of these them? Hmm? Uh no.
Sorry, kids.
I'll place you with your parents, but for now, go back to making those little drink umbrellas.
CARL: Homer, we'll definitely help you, but, uh, you're gonna have to wait.
We just ordered a pie for the bar.
What'd you do that for? Yeah, it took us 45 minutes to choose a topping.
We decided on cheese.
Twice! A new record.
We're lost.
Can you help us? I'll tell my dad about you right now.
Dad! Dad! Dad! Cartoons.
Milhouse, keep it down.
I got to finish these tax returns.
Ooh, cartoons.
(suspenseful music, cat yowls) (explosion booms) Whoa! Big dog! Big dog! Big dog! Big dog! (barking) (barking continues) I'm scared, Bart.
Once, I read a book called Jack and Jill.
They went down a hill.
And broke their crowns! Good thing we don't have crowns.
"Crown" means head! Ay, caramba! (screaming) Ta-da! I saved you! Ugh! But you pushed me! Duh.
I couldn't save you until I pushed you.
Girls make no sense! Anyway, we're even-Steven.
I just don't want to fight anymore.
But it was always your fault.
'Cause you're a jerk.
(grunts) Can't you see I'm giving in? (singsongy): I beat a two-year-old, I beat a two-year-old.
(gasping) I left my kids with the weirdo next door, and now they're gone! Tell me everything.
(gasps) Homer, no! (shrieks) (pants) I'd give anything to have them back.
I don't care about the fighting.
Hey, chatterbox, there's a couple of kids right there at the top of the tire fire.
(both gasp) How did you get up there?! You know how kids like to climb things.
What are we gonna do?! They say you're supposed to get great strength when your kids are threatened.
I'm kind of feeling it.
We just bought them new shoes.
(fierce roaring) You did it, Homie! (both yelling) (both grunt) Ah Ah (screams) (gasps) (bed creaking) (lullaby chiming) Ice cream truck! Bart! Haven't you learned anything? I'm still learning our phone number.
And I've almost got it.
But in an emergency, I'll just dial 9-1-8.
But the wonderful thing is, you kids get along.
And we were able to have a third beautiful child.
But how did you have an extra room for Maggie? Well, that's where I used to grow my weed.
But that's a story for another day.
Never mind, never mind.
Well, I didn't think she'd make it, but I was wrong.
I guess your grandmother just wants to stick around to see those boys grow up.
(cheering) Amazing grace How sweet the sound Loud singing could kill her.
HOMER: And it did.
Stop telling us this story! You've had three natural endings already! Isn't that sweet? Six years ago, they were fighting.
Now they're playing pool in a bar.
Father of the year, pal.
Father of the year.
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