The Simpsons s27e04 Episode Script

Halloween of Horror

Okay, Homie, I'm plugging it in.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! The gravestones could be a little more crooked.
Oh! And light it up.
(wolf howls) Bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh.
Halloween at the Simpsons'.
What a classic tradition! Are you heading up to the tree house to tell three horrifying tales? Ah, we're doing it next week.
It's gonna be Psycho with Skinner and his mom, Muppet Wizard of Oz-- I'm Scarecrow-Fozzie-- and then, uh, one where furniture gets smart and takes over the world or something.
Mmm! Sounds chilling! Eh.
People love it.
Everscream Terrors looks amazing this year.
I've never seen black cats with such arched backs.
Well, you gotta bring it.
Halloweening your house is a dying art.
More and more people are turning off their porch lights and pretending they're not home.
Halloween skippers.
Skippers! How can you reject a holiday where you can serve candy from a salad bowl? Bad news, Dad.
You stored the plastic skeletons too close to the furnace.
Eh, I'll take it to the old folks' home and tell Grampa it's his new roommate.
Everyone in the car! We're making a skeleton run to the Halloween pop-up store.
Ooh, while we're there we can get a costume for the dog.
Nothing says you love a pet like letting him be part of the human fun.
Who wants to be a Yoda? You want to be a Yoda! Ooh.
Ooh! Oh, man, I can't wait for tonight! I'm finally old enough for Krustyland Halloween Horror Night.
Oh, yeah, they do it up right.
Wait till you try the black cotton candy.
It tastes just like cotton candy.
Tomorrow, when my friends ask me about it, I'm going to say, "Eh, it wasn't that big a deal.
" But it's gonna be a really, really big deal! Welcome, seasonal customer, to my pop-up emporium.
Behold my terrifying joke name.
A-boo! Hmm, you know, I actually like that better.
Hey, hey! Why are you not working? 'Cause I'm still coming down from huffing all that glow stick juice, man.
Oh, I'm strung out on silly string.
(sneezes) (groans) Go, go! Back to work! Go de-tangle the novelty cobwebs, you lazy trick-or-treat trash.
(muttering indistinctly) Aren't you being a little hard on them? Mrs.
Simpson, these are pop-up people.
Temporary workers who drift from town to town, holiday to holiday, living off candy hearts and sleeping on Easter grass.
If I do not show them a firm hand, they would rob me like Striped Hamburger Thief robs Restaurant Meat Clown.
Ooh! Mariachi skeletons.
They're spooky, but they also teach you about Mexico.
Psst! Hey, big man, how about this deal: you buy one from me-- in cash-- and I'll load three more into your car for free.
That is a great deal.
Just don't tell Old Man Squishee about it.
(grunting and chuckling) You got some great guys working here.
They just gave me a really good deal.
Really? Tell me of this deal.
Okay, but don't tell Old Man Squishee about it.
We hate him.
Get out.
Out, all of you! Pop-up scum! Out! No one rips off Apu Nahasapeemapetilon! Now take your suspiciously full duffle bags and go! You're gonna be real sorry for getting us fired.
Well, I'm sorry now.
Yeah, you're gonna be.
I said, I'm sorry now.
We said you're gonna be! I know when I'm sorry, and I'm sorry now! You guys don't know me at all.
(Krusty laughing spookily) KRUSTY: Hand stamp required for re-entry! That's not scary.
I thought this was going to be scary.
(giggles) (grunts) (growls) Scary! That's really, uh, anatomical.
Lot of anatomy there.
Oh, yeah, the gore is super realistic.
It's gotta be-- today's consumer is just too sophisticated.
Ah! (screams) (screams loudly) I want to go home! I want to go home! What? No! We just got here! Lisa, honey, I think you should stay.
And not because the tickets were super expensive, even though they were super expensive.
But remember, you were really looking forward to the fun of being scared by stuff you know isn't real.
Unlike the money I spent on this, which is very real.
Okay, I'll give it another try.
Good, now take my hand and I'll walk you through this roiling zombie horde.
(zombies moaning) This isn't real.
This isn't real.
This isn't real.
This isn't real.
(gasps) (Lisa screams in distance) Sir? Sir? I-I'm not Hold on, Lisa, Daddy's picking out a pretzel topping.
Sir? Oh Oh, no, I'm lost! Okay, find a grown-up.
Find a grown-up.
Excuse me, I'm lost.
Could you please help me (screams) I can't find my family and I'm really scared and I (screams) (zombies moaning) (mumbling deliriously) Sir, looks like we've got a scaredy-pants situation here.
Zoom in and scan for fear.
Terror level seven and rising.
Shut it down.
Shut it all down.
Shut the whole damn thing down.
SUPERVISOR: Attention! Bring all laughter and exhilaration to a complete stop.
The terrifying good time is on hold.
We have located and are removing the baby that thinks this is real.
Reset time is 65 minutes.
(groaning, grumbling) All parking validations are now void.
(grumbling) Sir (whimpering) (crying) Mm-hmm.
Lisa, aren't you going to wear your costume to school? No, I'm not doing Halloween this year.
Oh, sweetie, I know you had a scare last night.
But you worked so hard on your Frida Kahlo outfit.
Maybe just wear the eyebrow and mustache? No! No! You kids look great.
No place like home.
(chuckles) Hold on, Simpson.
Let's take a look at that buccaneer costume.
No weapons, of course.
Bandana, possible gang wear.
Eye patch, offensive to the half-blind.
Oh, and just to reassure those who are afraid of pirates (sighs) (screams) No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! (panting) Lisa (gasping) (shuddering) Homer I think we should take down Everscream Terrors.
Wha-- W-We we can't! I'm the Mozart of Halloween decorations, and tonight is the Super Bowl.
Lisa's in a bad place.
You know how sensitive she is.
We don't want her to go back to Tailee.
No, she wouldn't.
She couldn't.
Not Tailee.
Where is she? (both gasp) HOMER: Oh.
Ah, let's see.
(gasps) Oh, God.
We're too late.
The glue stick didn't hold.
So, Tailee's back.
Tailee just makes me feel so safe.
I don't know why I ever gave it up.
It breaks my heart that Lisa can't deal with her emotions without a crutch.
Well, kids are weak, Marge.
Oh, yeah.
No! Stop it! Why are you taking down Everscream Terrors? Our house has to be a Halloween-free zone.
Your sister has a tummy ache in her courage.
What? Lisa goes nuts and you turn us into into skippers?! I know what this makes us.
I know! Honey, I knew you'd be upset, and that you'd think only of yourself.
So I'm taking you to the best trick-or-treating block party in the tri-Springfield area.
There's a dad who's a deejay.
Even an E.
who says your name.
What if I tell the E.
my name is a swear? He'll have to say it.
Then I'm in.
(sighs) (bowl rattles) NELSON: Haw haw! (sighs) Okay, sweetie, just you and me spending a regular eve together.
Nothing hallows about it.
I'm sorry I ruined Halloween, Dad.
(scoffs) Ruined? Why, you just created a new holiday Puzzle Wednesday.
A tabby and a calico.
(chuckles) I wouldn't want to be that ribbon.
(doorbell rings) Oh, trick-or-treaters.
Don't worry, I'll get rid of them.
Trick or treat.
Porch light's off, kids.
Don't you know what that means? We're not here for candy, big man.
Hey, you're those pop-up scuzzos.
What do you scuzzos want? We want our jobs back.
Look, I don't want to be rude, but you sad losers should go suck somewhere else.
(panicked grunting) That? (chuckling): Oh, that was just a kindly priest here to bless our home.
I told him to keep moving.
(doorbell rings, Lisa whimpers) (chuckles nervously): Hey.
Another visitor? Isn't life funny and safe? Can't you jerks take a hint?! Huh? Hmm, hmm? (whimpers) THUGS: Creepy nursery rhyme Like in every movie.
Mind games.
Whoa, look at this line.
This neighborhood has to be good.
Sorry, ma'am, residents only.
Too many randos crashed the block party last year, so "Spine Chills" is Pine Hills only.
(whining): Mom, you said we could go here.
We will, we will.
Look, I've got a Groupon here for a zip line adventure.
Let us in, and it's yours.
Zip-lining is everything to me, but if I take that, I'm not worth the folding chair I'm sitting on.
Now, turn around and go.
BART: Aw, a bounce house.
Aw E.
? E.
: Hello, Scrotum.
(groaning): Oh.
It's over.
I missed Halloween.
(hums) I can't let Lisa know we're being stalked by vengeful seasonal thugs.
I'll just whistle a happy tune.
(whistles theme from Halloween) (humming theme from Halloween) Why are you locking up the house? Why? You've Wh-Why does anything happen? Why are blue jeans blue? Who invented haircuts? (laughs) It's all just stuff I'm saying.
How did that get there? (muffled scream) Okay, okay, intruders in the house.
Intruders in the house.
Got to call the cops.
Where's my cell phone? They took my cell phone.
And they forgot to pay my phone bill.
Wait, why are we going to Mr.
Flanders' house? Oh, you know, to see his kids.
I want to finally find out which one is Rod and which one is Max.
(gasps) Tailee, I left him inside.
D'oh! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! LISA: Dad? Oh.
Oh, Lisa.
You're here, we're safe.
Everything's fine.
Except for this inexplicable fog.
(screams) (screams) Oh, my God! LISA: Oh, my God! HOMER: (screams) No! (Lisa screams) We got to get out of here! LISA: He smells so bad! Come on, this way! Oh, my God, Dad, help! This way! Come on! Give me a hit off that fog machine.
We got a fat man to beat on.
(whooping) MAN: Here we come.
MAN 2: We're coming to get you.
(laughter) Okay, okay, I don't think those pop-up guys saw us come up here.
This isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real.
Honey, I'm your dad.
I've lied to you more times than there are stars in the sky.
But I got to be straight.
This is real.
(whimpers) Okay, Halloween isn't over yet.
We can still squeeze in some solid trick-or-treating.
(tires screeching) Hurry, go, go, go! What? What's the rush? Go, go, have fun.
There's still time.
(gasps) It's too late.
The change is upon us.
The children are all sleeping Not one kiddie on the streets The fun's just starting for Mommy and Daddy Sexy tricks BOTH: And boozy treats Drunken hobbits Hit on slutty crayons Policeman dressed as bondage Frankenstein Your kid's teacher In a steampunk orgy Ha Grown-ups become monsters after 9:00 It's time for grown-up Halloween Close your eyes if you're under 18 It's my chance to show boobs Live my fantasy 'Cause tomorrow morning We won't remember a thing Our lives are awful and dreary So tonight we're going way, way, way, way, way too far Hide your kids This cannot be unseen It's naked, wasted, grown-up Halloween.
(burps) Can't hide forever, thumb-head.
Sooner or later, you're gonna have to buy Thanksgiving decoration, and we'll be waiting by the Indian corn.
(clattering) Oh, no, now they're trashing our stuff.
(chiming) Oh, they've tangled up my wind chimes.
How will I know when the wind is blowing? (groans) I hate this, I hate feeling afraid.
Maybe I shouldn't admit this to my daughter, but I'm scared, too, but you can't let fear shut down your brain, because between the two of us, we've only got one good one.
I've got it.
What if we use these decorations to signal for help? You're right.
I may not be the smartest dad or the bravest or the smartest, but I am great at one thing-- drawing attention to our home.
If we're gonna get out of this, we're going to need every holiday you've got.
Ay, ay, ay, ay Halloween is so bueno Ooh, the Señor Skeletinos.
He must have leaned on the "try me" button.
(laughs maniacally) (taunting): We're coming to get you.
And no fancy ceiling door is gonna stop us.
(gasps) (grunts) MAN: Almost got it.
(grunts) Stuck.
(grunting) They're coming-- hurry! Time to wake up the neighborhood.
D'oh! D'oh! (thugs clamoring) Here we go.
(panting): Hurry.
Light the fireworks.
The match won't stay lit-- it's too windy.
I've got something that will burn.
(gasps) Are you sure? Yes, this ratty piece of polyester has been soaking in face oil for eight years.
Light him up.
Good-bye, Tailee.
(whistling and popping) (gasping) What the? Huh? Now plug it in! (people gasping) Help, help! Help, we're up here! (muffled speech) Everscream Terrors needs our help! We can get plastered and hit on our coworkers later.
Come on! Get 'em, Zardoz! (gasping) Sexy drunks, stop them! (groaning) Tragic, really.
For are these guys not victims, too, in a way, of our disposable pop-up culture? When you get out, look me up.
I know a guy who owns a 99-cent store.
Those places are open year-round.
The holidays will come and go, but (sniffles) we'll stay.
Grown-up Halloween seemed pretty fun.
I saw an areola.
Oh, man, this is the lamest night of my entire miserable Li (gasps) Yes! Everscream Terrors is back! (Bart laughs) Stop it, stop it, this will scare Lisa.
Boo! (gasping) (giggles) My brave girl.
I burned Tailee.
(grunts) (laughs) Foolish Simpsons.
This was not their typical Halloween experience.
Wow, cool alien voice, Lenny.
Thanks, I've been practicing it.
As a mat (normal voice): Oh, damn it, I lost it.
(theme from Halloween playing) Shh!
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