The Simpsons s27e05 Episode Script

Treehouse of Horror XXVI

BART: Trick-or-treat! On this filthy night of evil Little gaudy beggars stroll As they lure ghouls, ghosts and goblins Hungry for their innocent souls There is a hellish breeze a-groanin' As the children they pursue You can hear their bellies moanin' They might even gnaw on you But ruler of this sordid host More ghastly than them all Lurks a ravenous beastly monster More than 25 feet tall (screaming) He's dirty and he's hairy And his mouth tastes just like crap Like you, he's trick-or-treating for Some candies to unwrap The Lord abhors your foul disguise You thought to cloak your skin But now you've lured this fiend from Hell Who craves your soul within He's hungry for your vitals He likes you moist and ripe And should he find you spiced with sin Then you're his favorite type He'll chew your juicy insides Masticate you till you're pulp Every little soul he'll swallow With a stinky-ass gulp.
Ow! (laughs) There's no such thing as ghosts, you dumb kids! (gasps) (bellowing) (screaming) And now it's time for the cartoon.
STUDENTS: 13! (retching) We have a winner! I didn't throw up, I held it in.
(retches) No winner! House keeps the money! (phone chirps) Oh, man, I got to see this.
(groans) (violin playing sad song) Huh.
Mr.
Largo? Hmm, something's wrong.
That music is in tune.
Hello, Bart.
(screams) Sideshow Bob! 'Twas I who texted you! Using Milhouse's phone.
Did you know his wallpaper is American Girl doll? Now let me put this in terms any young boy would understand: you and I have danced a grand pas de deux worthy of Nijinsky.
But this is the final plié! Yawn.
You couldn't kill me with that thing if I drew an "X" on my forehead.
Bob and his spear gun Sittin' in a tree S-U-C-K-I-N (chuckles) Nice try, Bob, but I'm sure you made some stupid (weakly): mistake.
Not this time.
Tell my father he's fat.
The deed is done.
to kill a ten-year-old child have finally paid off.
(classical music playing) I did it, I did it, I did it I killed Bart dead La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, lots Of blood I did what could not be done To Bugs Bunny by Elmer Fudd.
Fortunately it's after school hours.
(chuckles) Good-bye! (tires squealing) (whistling) A votre santé! You wouldn't know, but that means "to your health," of which you have none! (laughs) (doorbell ringing) (groans) (theme song playing) (growling) Bart's father! Bart's dog! Where's Bart? I don't know who you're talking about.
This Bart! Well, I suppose that does look damning, but have you seen this? Ooh! Ah.
He's cool.
Let's move on to the next suspect.
(screams) Well, I'd better check it out.
(sighs) Not to complain, but your stomach acids are smoothing the dimples off my balls.
It's time I moved to my post-Bartum phase.
I've accepted an Associate Professorship at Springfield University.
(chuckles) (deflated wheezing) (groans) "I should have been a pair of ragged claws, scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
" What do Eliot's ragged claws represent? Yeah, um this Web site says the claws aren't a metaphor, but, like, an insight to a state of mind.
Crushed it! What Web site? Forward the link.
Text me.
Tweet the link.
Where is it? I didn't think the author of Cats could be insulted further.
Class dismissed.
(groaning) Rubbish! Drivel! What is this Game of Thrones they're referencing? I was a fool to think I'd find solace amongst these moronic, Snapchatting, gap-yearing Hello, Bart.
It seems the only thing that made me happy in my accursed life was killing you.
Well, if White Zinfandel can make a comeback, so can you.
Ooh, those bastards know how to party! (chuckles) I feel like a bad New Yorker cartoon.
(angry shouting) And now, Bart, let's bring the old "spark" back to our special relationship.
You couldn't kill me if I came in with pneumonia and a knife in my back.
(groaning) I didn't care for the "thwock" the sledgehammer made.
No worries, I'll just kill him again.
That's why I'm the un-killable kid.
(screams) Still not dead.
(groans) Psych! (groaning) Ay, caramba! We're both going to be sore tomorrow.
(laughs) Accidents will happen, they only hit and run You used to be a victim, now you're not the only one Accidents will happen They only hit and run I don't want to hear it 'Cause I know what I've done.
How much power is this thing using? There's so many fish in the sea That only rise up in the sweat and smoke of mercury But they keep you hangin' on They say you're so young (Santa's Little Helper barking) What is it, boy? What have you found? (gasps) I knew it was Bob! Even when they tried and executed Jailbird, I knew it was Bob! Reanimate? This animation looks good enough to me.
Homer, pull the lever! (groans) I've been pulling levers all day.
Now! Wow, for once, I was sober at Bart's birth.
Yes, that's right, Officer.
There are intruders in my basement.
Have I the right to shoot? Oh, yeah.
And you can wear blue jeans to a Broadway show.
Everything's different now.
(beeps) (groans) Wait, Dad! (grunting, groaning) That's for trying to frame Krusty.
What about all the times he tried to kill me? Eh.
As the one who suffered the most, Mom, may I have custody of Bob's body? Normally I'd say no, but you have been showing responsibility with the dog lately.
So, fine.
(humming) (cackles) SIDESHOW BOB: "By Sea-Girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown, "till human voices wake us and we drown.
" Any questions? Yes, what are you supposed to be again? A full professor! But the tenure committee is excruciatingly slow.
(groaning) (squawks) Hmm.
(humming) Look at that foolish old man! Every day he drops a perfectly good donut into the ocean.
Let us mock him for his foolish beliefs! Yes! Yes! Let us show disrespect with poorly-dubbed laughter.
(delayed laughter) Children, go with your grandfather.
Can't we go with dead Grandfather? He cannot leave.
He is the spirit of my tea kettle.
Lucky me.
(whistling) Grampa, everyone in town thinks you are foolish.
Who is more foolish-- the fool or the fool who thinks the fool a fool? What the hell does that mean, Grampa-san? For centuries, our family has made a daily offering of a special donut to a slumbering underwater sea creature, so that he does not rise and destroy us all.
(both laughing) He is foolish! So foolish! (laughs) Doesn't mean you are not special.
(groans) (humming a tune) (gasps) (gurgling) (shouts) Now I have all eternity to talk to you.
Oh Now we will no longer have anyone uselessly floating donuts in the ocean.
They have made our fish fat and ugly.
Pathetic.
(roaring) All right, calm down, children.
Probably just excitement over the cherry blossoms.
Of course, the cherry blossoms! They're so beautiful, and yet (roaring) (people screaming) I still refuse to admit the old man was right.
Legitimate difference of opinion.
Professor, how do we stop him? Fear not! Without the buoyancy of water, it is physically impossible for any creature that large not to collapse under its own weight.
It's a simple matter of-- gloy! D'oh! Jo! (tires screech) Scared by the monster? What monster? (roaring) Yellow ribbon 'round Huh? Aah! (grunts) Aah! (roaring) Why do you have to stomp on our buildings? This land is 98% rural.
So much farmland you can walk on without hurting your feet.
(roars) Right, right.
The city's the only place you can get tuna rolls at 5:00 in the morning.
Because you do have fishy breath.
I'm just telling you.
(roaring) (grunts) Ah, thank you.
(roars) So, the key to this movie is it's so cheap it's funny.
Then just think how popular it would be if we spent a fortune remaking it.
We'll make millions! After spending hundreds of millions! (all clamoring in agreement) We're here live at the premiere of 'Zilla! And this time, the stars have come out at night! Lurleen Lumpkin, Drederick Tatum and my ex-husband, the Grumple.
(both groaning) As a tie-in to this movie, Krustyburgers will be made from only reptile meat.
And don't worry, PETA, we only buy the sick ones! (roars) (gasps) (roaring) Buzz Cola! (roaring) We can't stop him.
We can't! All we can do is avoid him easily! (crying) He's 2,000 miles away moving at two miles a day.
What do I do? What do I do?! (both roaring) It's a total bomb.
We only sold one ticket.
Oh, I didn't buy my ticket for this.
I just wanted to get a good seat for the next Star Wars.
Which will stink to high heaven.
There's only one thing we can do.
Dump everything at sea and say we lost it for insurance purposes.
Aw, yeah, that's moviemaking, Steve.
That's why we all report to you.
Toss them overboard, then kill the navigator.
(roaring) (Homerzilla roaring) LISA: I see a Yellow Monarch, a Woodland Skipper.
I see (both grunting, laughing) You know, we have been hiking for hours and you two haven't spotted a single butterfly.
I thought we were hunting owls.
Well, you haven't done that, either! Uh-huh! (Lisa screams) (groaning) (screams) Don't worry, the hole isn't very deep.
Oh, wait, I'm on a ledge.
(Milhouse screaming) (thuds) Oh, God, everything is moist and moving! LISA: Bart?! What? I'm going home.
to my toy chest, to get my barrel of monkeys, to lower them down.
At least I'm pitching.
We got to save him! Fine, but you'll follow me with the camera, right? 'Cause the important thing these days is everything must be on film.
(grunts) Okay, guys.
My cell phone is somewhere in that pulsing ooze.
Now each grab one ankle while I dive in! We have to be careful, Milhouse.
There's no telling what that Stu Bart, what are you doing?! Madam, how do you do? You don't know what that stuff is doing to you! Oh, it's just the same junk Dad brings us home from work.
To us Simpsons, this green goop is mother's (gasps) Where are my owls? (grunting) Oh, man, am I looking at a nosebleed! (gasps) Somehow, the radioactive explosion gave us the power to move things with our intellect.
Flowers for the lady? (gasps) (laughs) Bart, what powers did your brain give you? Look, you're talking to the guy that got demoted from the Tadpoles reading group, okay? Do not make me pity fly.
Dignity restored.
You know, we can't tell anyone about this.
There are going to be lab tests and scientists Do we get to wear those paper gowns? BART: Ow! It's a dress that boys can wear.
Wedgie! This is not a proportional punishment! (grunts) Hmm, somebody misspelled "wiener.
" (gasps) Lisa Simpson! The Musicians Union does not allow this! You know this is an ASCAP household.
God gave you this power for good, not jazz, and The 'House always wins! I even got my parents back together! Even now I don't feel close to you.
(groans) Ah, finally I can diaper all my children.
Yo, hands up.
(groans) Hmm, Milhouse has gone mad with power.
Frankly, I thought it wouldn't take this long.
Everything's coming up Milhouse! Nicely done, Lis.
I didn't do it.
Then I want to know who did! But not that badly.
(giggles, coos) (piano playing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star") Excuse me, uh, Ou est Le Eiffel Tower? I appreciate that you are trying to learn our language.
(yawns) Once again we just have a cameo.
Don't complain or they'll put us in 4x3.
Aah, they're doing it! No! Just 'cause it looks like season four doesn't make it season four! (Homerzilla roaring)