The Simpsons s27e06 Episode Script

Friend with Benefit

(sniffing) (sniffing) (crunching) (munching loudly) (sucking pacifier) (panting) (whimpers) (disgusted growl) (grunts): Hmm? (barking) (foreboding music plays) (neon sign crackles) (soda can pops open, slurps) (crunching noisily) ANNOUNCER: Coming up on Undercover CEO, Krusty the clown learns what it's like to work for himself.
HOMER: Pass.
There comes a time in everyone's life when you need a little extra help getting up from your chair.
That's why we invented the Seat-to-Feet Lift Chair, which makes getting up by yourself A thing of the past? a thing of the past! Whoo-hoo! (whirring) Wha? He's he's up! (choked up): He's up.
(gasps, moans) Eleventy-hundred? I can't afford that.
But that chair would be a lot better than the way I get up now.
(growling) (grunting) Come on Yeah! (panting) (chattering) Magic Club! Join the Magic Club! Want to cut up a banana without peeling it? Join and (spooky): I'll tell you how.
It's with a needle and thread! I like magic! I'm going to take one of your cards.
Or did I take 52? (gasps) Do you want to join? You could be president! Just man the booth.
I need to go to the bathroom.
I'd love to join.
Honestly, this is the only booth that doesn't creep me out.
Hug me! Hug me! Hug me! I'm Harper.
Just moved here.
Trying to make friends.
Lisa.
Always been here.
Trying to make friends.
(both giggle) Well, I've got news for all of your clubs: it's 3:00 p.
m.
, so Willie's turnin' on the sprinklers! (screaming) HOMER: Guys, I need your advice.
Season three of anything is the best.
Agreed.
But I wanted advice for something else.
(sighs) It's something I really need for my well-being, but I just don't have the bucks.
The thing everyone's doing these days, uh, by which I mean a couple of years ago, is to get money through crowdfunding.
You thought about that? Yes, but what is it? Crowdfunding is when lots of people give you small amounts of money to help your passion project come to life.
Thanks to crowdfunding, we have Makey Makey computers, the 3Doodler pen, and Zach Braff's generation-defining dud "Wish I Was Here.
" Well, if there's anything that has true wisdom, it's crowds.
Hmm.
Hello, friends.
Are you sick of "Big Charity" asking you for money, with its free return envelopes and annoying black tie dinners? Well, I'm here to ask you for something different.
Something simple.
You can help a man get back on his feet.
Dad, what are you recording? Ooh, Lisa.
Turn to camera and quickly say "please give.
" Please give.
Give what? Uh, Lisa eh, well, we'll fix that in post.
(sobs) He didn't even have the money to fix that in post.
That is the saddest thing I've ever seen.
(sobbing) (cash register bell rings) Well, I suppose I could spare a little for my neighboreeno.
Will you shut up, Flanders?! (chuckles) Lip zipped.
(cash register bell rings) I don't give handouts to poor people.
It's not in the spirit of self-made Americanism, as espoused by Russian weirdo Ayn Rand.
(cash register bell rings) Dang it! We did it, friends.
Made our goal.
And now, to reveal the miracle that you all made happen (whirring) That's right.
You bought me this chair.
My ass was just lifted by a thousand angels.
We bought him a chair? That lazy lump! After I finish this beer and have a nap, I may just call him.
(scoffs) You gave money to this idiot? It was from my separate bank account.
What separate account? Uh I only use it to pay for my separate phone.
You have a separate phone? Um um uh MAN: Up, down, up, down.
Up, down (chair squeaking) up, down.
Good! You feel the burning in your core? Oh, yes, I do.
(blowing) (slurps) Mmm.
(pounding at door) MARGE: Homie, answer the door! For the first time in my life, I'd be happy to! (pounding continues, Homer hums happily) Spend my money on a chair, sir? (indistinct shouting) You're a lazy, bald monster.
Don't be alarmed, there, Homer.
We're just gonna calmly and gently destroy that chair! No way.
My chair is now protected by a human shield.
(Homer shrieks) MOE: Take that, you idiot! (shouting) (muffled shouting continues in other room) HOMER: Lisa the crowdfunding video you costarred in is causing a lot of problems.
The what-what I what-whatted in? (crowd shouting angrily) (chanting): Burn that chair! Burn that chair! Burn that chair! Wait a minute.
That's not the chair.
What? Oh.
Oh.
(flames hissing, siren wailing) No tip! (sorrowful music plays) (humming) (sighs) Guess a guy like me is never gonna get the finer things in life.
What's the point? Aw, you poor thing.
I've never seen you this unhappy lying down.
LISA: Dad? Can you take me to a concert with my new friend Harper? Her dad got us the seats.
Sure, why not? It'll be nosebleed or obstructed view seats.
That's all a self-pitying guy like me ever gets.
Who's the band? They're an adorable Australian boy band, and you can't really understand what they're saying.
But who cares? I understand.
That's how I felt about Crocodile Dundee.
I will never forgive you for making us see that third movie.
Music in a sports arena.
The acoustics are gonna be a joke.
Two tickets for Homer Simpson.
Here you go and here are your platinum V.
I.
P.
wristbands.
What the? V.
I.
P.
? Oh, this is never coming off! Just like the one from the last great day in my life.
Oh, those muffins.
And it's all thanks to Harper's dad.
Who is this guy? Mm.
(upbeat music playing) Ooh.
Mi hijo queria ver esto, pero no puedo arrastrarla a mi show.
Yes, yes, yes.
(classical music playing) Whoa! The only platinum band I have is the one that's holding my skull together.
Um, through that door.
Remember when we were A-list? It all went south for me when I got that D.
U.
I.
and said all those things I secretly believe.
Doe-eyed Boys! (screams happily) Where? Where? Maybe one of these four little wimps will tell me.
Answer me, wimps! That's them.
The band.
(squeals) Hi.
I'm Bindi, and this is Boz, McQuarrie and Wodonga.
(gasps) Wodonga.
I'm afraid you don't belong here.
Your wristbands are platinum with stripes.
(gasps) You belong in there, braddah! (heavenly music plays) Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, I wish I could tell you guys what's in there, but you know no stripes.
Lisa! You made it! Homer Simpson? I'm Harper's dad.
And I am so stoked to meet you! My entire life has been a journey toward these seats.
Who are you? ("Sirius" by Alan Parsons Project plays) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the new owner of the Springfield Arena, the CEO of J-Cloud Digital Storage Solutions Mike Jambowski! (whooping) I love this venue! Ven-ue! Ven-ue! Ven-ue! Venue (whoops) Venue! Hey, you want to fire a confetti gun, Homer? (gasps) That's the only kind of gun I've never fired.
Come on, just point and squeeze.
(cheering) I know that guy.
Yeah, sure you do, Uncle Lenny.
No, he works at the plant with me.
Homer something.
When we harmonize And you look in our eyes (female fans scream) You'll see it's no surprise That we're your Nobel Prize 'Cause, girl, you know it's true All four of us love you Yeah, we do, yeah, we do, yeah, we do Monday I love you Tuesday I do, too Wednesday that's for me Thursday I love thee Friday is your day (sighing) Is this heaven? Not quite, 'cause I hate the music.
Maybe we're not close enough to the band, huh? How about we all just Fantastic! The future of music, man! Wow! Hey, Homer, you want to get out of here, get a beer? Girl, you know it's true All four of us love you Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
And now a special guest.
From the Hasbro Channel's hit sitcom Recycle Michael and the Tin Can Crew, inoffensive robot superstar, Der Zip Zorp.
(scratching records) (crowd cheering) Hi, I'm Gus, and I'll be happy to serve you.
A friendly bartender? This is like being from North Korea and finding out there's a South Korea.
Homer, a toast to two single dads doing their best.
I'm not a single dad.
Well, this will just be a toast to me, then.
(shouts) Ooh, whoa, are you okay? Be careful.
I love you.
I'm great! (laughs) When I'm happy, I make holes.
And when I'm sad, I buy a hockey team.
They cost like nothing, man.
And I made $80 million today.
Bam-bam-bam! (laughs) You try.
Whoo-hoo! Bam! (crackling) (muttering) (Homer groaning) (stammers) Did I make $80 million? No, but you made a fool of the doctor who said you'd die.
Well, he still might! Not today.
Wow, Mike's daughter seems really great.
Yeah, but it was weird.
First she was nice to me, but then when the band came, she wouldn't let me say a word.
Uh, listen, sweetie.
Let me tell you a fact of life.
The world is full of wonderful, priceless experiences, and I can't give you any of them.
But this girl can.
So it doesn't matter if she talks to you, looks at you or is disrespectful to your father.
She is your best friend.
Mm, I don't know.
(phone chimes) Huh, Harper just invited us to go see David Copperfield.
Oh, my God! That's something only tourists in Vegas get to do! (dog howls) Did you ever sit in the back of anything? Just the space shuttle, man.
My one regret is I was too drunk to drive.
(laughs): Oh-oh, oh-oh, bam! Bam on that one.
Okay, ladies, would each of you tell me your favorite TV show and dessert.
Certainly, my favorites are The Happy Little Elves Krusty and cotton candy.
I was gonna say what my Sorry, that's too long without me talking.
(audience gasps) So what do I do now?! Don't worry.
Harper? What's your favorite starving wild animal? Crocodile? What's the trick here?! (snarling) I'm so happy.
Marge, do you know what it's like to have a man take care of your every need? I've thought about it a lot, but no.
How come you're so quiet? Did he switch your brain with a rabbit's? 'Cause that means somewhere there is one annoying rabbit.
Shut up.
I just keep thinking about the way Harper cut me off.
It's kind of weird.
Yeah, that was kind of weird.
I'd have said something for sure, but my mouth was full of truffle popcorn.
(phone chimes) (gasps) Mike just invited our family to spend next week on their private island! Wow, a whole week.
Too bad the kids have school.
Marge, please.
Lisa's not gonna fall behind and Bart's not gonna catch up.
We do not want our kids spoiled.
(groans) Yeah, okay.
Maybe this is where this thing should stop.
(phone rings) Hello? This is Principal Seymour Skinner.
We're calling parents, starting with you, to let them know that school has been canceled next week.
Hmm, did that rich dad buy you off? (laughs) Seymour Skinner is not for sale.
The bread is in the oven.
Lisa, Lisa, wait! I'm so glad you guys are coming with us.
So I got you a friendship present.
(hums "ta-da") A new bike? Uh, that's so nice of you.
Tiffany crystal bell.
(melodious chime plays) And the latest anti-theft device.
(robotic voice): You're not Lisa Simpson.
Okay, what's the story? This we show up for.
Harper, this bike is wonderful.
Too wonderful.
It just wouldn't be right for me to accept it.
You'd rather have your crappy bike? Look, Harper, this may be crappy, but it's my bike.
My dad assembled it on Christmas day.
Which is why I have to pedal backwards to go forwards.
But still, I love this! Uh, I didn't realize getting you the best bike you ever saw would make you so mad.
I'm not mad, I just think this is Just what? Don't appreciate what I did for you? Why do you always interrupt me like that? That's not how friends Uh, I think I know how friends are.
How would you like it if I interrupted you all the time? I could've been friends with anybody-- Janey, Sherri, Terri, You wouldn't like it all, would you? Hubert Wong, Wendy Wang.
No, you wouldn't.
Interrupt, interrupt, interrupt, interrupt! That girl with freckles only on one side of her face.
Could you please, just for once, not interrupt me?! Whoa, sweet bike.
BOTH: You can have it! Even sweeter.
As soon as I put some training wheels on this, I'll be the coolest kid ever.
Oh! Too fast! (deep breaths) You can put that stuff away, 'cause the trip is off.
Well, where are we going with Harper? Nowhere, 'cause we're not friends anymore.
(muffled): D'oh! You owe me a Caribbean vacation, Lisa! St.
Croix or better.
Lisa, sweetie, I just want to understand.
You got in a fight with her because she tried to give you a new bike?! But she was so condescending! Yeah, she was "kinda sending" you a new bike.
Can you all please get out of my room? MIKE: Let's not let our little girls' not liking each other stand in the way of their being friends.
Come to the island, man.
We have everything there, except for trunks your size-- ha! You still want us to come? Oh, kids fight all the time.
They're not in control of themselves like we are.
Damn, that is a beautiful sunset! Damn! Damn! Aah! Whew, now we'll meet you on the island and the only problem will be the sand in our whatevers.
Sweetie, we really appreciate this.
And your brother, well, he's Where is your brother? BART: Hey, a whale.
Oh, it's Homer.
(laughing) (dolphins chattering) Oh, I'll show you! Hey, sharks, here's some chum! (screams) (chuckles) Welcome to Jambowski Island.
Formerly Haiti.
I'm really glad you came, Lisa.
Thanks for having us.
Now, Homer, I got you a special surprise.
HOMER: A beach lift chair! The laziest thing there is.
Aw.
(calypso music playing) (moans happily) HOMER: Suckers! (James Bond theme song playing) Underneath the mango tree Me honey and me can watch for the moon Underneath the mango tree Me honey and me make boolooloop soon.
Harper flipped a sea turtle on its back! My beach, my turtle! Why is everything yours?! Oh, why do you kids have to argue all the time? 'Cause she wants things her way instead of the right way.
Homer, help me out here.
No, no, with the girls.
Just tell your kid to let my kid have her way this time.
And every other time.
(crying): Dad I think you have a choice to make here.
(sighs) It's time I stood up for myself.
(whirring) Harper, I know I shouldn't say this on your private island, but you're kind of spoiled.
(both gasp) That's right.
You don't deserve Lisa.
There's nothing I love more than her.
She's the sun, the moon and the other thing to me.
(gasps) Thank you.
And we don't have to be on the same island with people who push my little girl around.
Let's go, Marge.
Now? I just got up.
Now, please! If you leave this island, you're not taking the yacht.
Oh, no.
You're taking a limo to the private jet, which is flying you straight home.
Then so be it.
Hmph.
(quiet sigh) (grunting) I know how you feel, buddy.
Oh, I better sit down.
Where can I sit? Dad, what you said was really nice.
And believe me, we're much better off, off that island.
I know.
Good-bye, crystal-clear lagoon.
Good riddance, pink sand beach.
Good-bye, swim-up movie theater that was going to show Back to the Future.
Good-bye, sweet liquors that didn't let Marge know I was drunk.
Good-bye, snorkeling and Jet-Skiing and other things I never tried.
Good-bye, obese natives that made me feel fit.
Good-bye, Bart.
Bart?! (laughing) Shh!