The Simpsons s27e09 Episode Script

Barthood

(bells jingling) Ho, ho, ho! D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) Oh, are we gonna stay Roto-Rootered like this the whole show? It's rotoscoped, Dad.
Whatever it is, it's making me sick.
A noble experiment that failed.
(acoustic guitar playing) BART: Why is the sky blue? Hmm I don't know.
Just is.
- Why are clouds white? - No clue.
Why are people yellow? It's the way God made them.
Why is grass green? So you can find your damn golf ball.
Now I have a question for you.
Why did you leave your toy car on the stairs? Why is blood red? Why do you ask? - It's coming out your ear.
- D'oh! So you'll be staying with Grampa while your father is on the mend.
Don't let him near me! (grunts) Ah! (sobbing): Ow! (cackles) (chuckles) Do it again, boy.
I bet he can't control it.
(grunts) Ow! - Aah! - Ow (Grampa and Bart chuckle) Bart, you shouldn't (stifles a chuckle) Maybe one more.
(grunts) HOMER (screaming): Aah! Ow! (all laughing) (humming) Want to play cars? Oh, boy, if I go down there, I ain't coming up.
My dad won't play cars with me, either.
Calm down, Melvin Q.
Mopenheimer.
There's other ways of playing cars.
Feast your eyes on the most beautiful machine ever made: the 1954 Studebaker Starliner Commander! I bought it brand-new and forgot about it till today.
(impressed whistle) Can I sit in it? Well, I don't know how you expect to drive it if you ain't sitting in it.
Grampa! I can't drive.
Neither can I, legally.
Now let's get going! You know you can season these things with pepper spray, don't you? Aah! Aah! I need water in my eyes.
(screams) (laughs) Let's open her up a little.
(Grampa grunts) (laughing) Homer never showed such spirit.
You got gumption, boy.
I wish this day would never end.
Aw, sorry, Bart.
Time don't stop.
The years go by and you don't even realize it.
Grampa, I told you to get him home by 5:00.
His tutor's here to teach him to read.
(sputtering angrily) When I was a boy, I ain't never did not need no tutor either no how! Yes, sirree, ain't! "S-See the m-m-mou m-m-m" "See the mouse.
"Mouse hits cat.
Cat goes splat.
" FRINK: Very good, Lisa.
Very, very good! And with barely any knowledge of diphthongs, sibilants and phonemes.
(giggling) How come she can read and I can't? All right, calm down, young man.
Not to worry, you won't need to read.
You see, customers will just point to a picture of the burger that they want you to flip.
(exclaims) Because you're not gonna have anything going.
Very nice painting, Lisa.
We're putting it right over the couch.
I made a drawing, too! It's on the refrigerator! And the wall.
And the curtains.
(horrified gasp) (gasping, sputtering) Boy, you've ruined our kitchen! Do you understand? This is a place of pork chops.
But do you like my drawing? Homer, please, please.
Just say something positive.
Well, it's a colorful example of something that ruined our kitchen! I can't even find the fridge! You're not beer.
Where is it? And who are you? We're playing hide and seek.
I'm Milhouse.
Milhouse? What kind of a wiener name is that? A very bad one, sir.
(bell chimes) (humming) That boy is so much trouble.
Never should have had a firstborn.
Should've skipped right to the second.
There's one thing I can do better than you.
(chuckles) I've finished painting the wall and it's better than new.
In some ways, this was kind of a bless Ha! I got gumption! (giggles) Bart's disruptive behavior is probably caused by his feeling that you think other children are more deserving of attention.
Mm, I see.
And how can we help these other children? We're here for Bart.
- In a boy like Bart - Yeah? the attention he craves most is from his father.
Pfft.
Good luck with that.
Take him camping! I do want to help him, I do.
And your son is just looking for your love.
Geez.
For a psychologist, you sure know how to get into people's heads.
And I brought my flashlight so we can find our way in the dark, and my scissors to cut wood into kindling, and an air horn to scare away bears.
(air horn blaring) (chuckling) BART: Wh why are we stopping? This is where we're camping, son.
I thought we were going to stay in a tent in the woods.
Like the kids that got killed in that movie you took me to.
Son, the woods this time of year are very outdoorsy.
But we'll do fun things.
Oh, listen! Do you hear that? (grinding, rattling) It's the sound of an ice machine.
(sighs) Great.
Come on, let's go hunt for the registration desk.
(blares) ANNOUNCER: Andreychuk passes ahead to Hamilton it's too far in front and the ref waves off the icing.
The TV is north of the bed.
(yawns) Better hit the hay, son.
Learning this new remote really took something out of me.
Never saw a menu button colored green before.
Whew! Crazy buttons.
(snoring) (birds chirping) So, how was your camping trip with your father? Okay.
We got lots of Starwood points at the hotel.
Oh, my thrifty pioneers.
Lisa, how was school? The teacher gave me this.
(giggles) "Student of the month"! Wow.
How long have you been in that school? A month.
I've been there two years and no one ever gave me anything! (angry grunt) (door slams) Aw, poor kid.
Are you taking his dessert? Yes, I am.
Up to him.
(footfalls stop) Are you eating that cake? HOMER (muffled): What? No.
(footfalls resume quickly) Son, I know it may not seem like it now, but you're gonna be glad to have a sister when you grow up.
You're always gonna like her better than me.
That's not true.
I love you both the same amount: 40%.
Gotta leave room in the budget.
Then will you put this on your car? I'll be proud to.
(yawns) (gasps) Hmm Ooh, both those bumper stickers mean so much to me.
Oh Happy birthday! Well, thanks.
But you know I'm not into Krusty anymore.
You've outgrown Krusty? First no more "ay, caramba," now this? Mom, don't have Have a cow, man? I was gonna say "don't have a foolish attachment to the past.
" Come on, boy.
Humor your mother.
Oh, fine.
Don't have a cow.
Man.
Yeah (phone chimes) Oh, my God! I'm Student of the Month for 48 consecutive months! Great, honey, great! But, you know, it is Bart's birthday.
No, no, no, this is fine.
Just let me fix this.
There.
Now it's all about you.
Happy? I'll go get him.
Oh, it's no use.
He's walking kind of fast.
Blam! Blam! Blam! Blam! (Milhouse laughing) Hey, you missed one.
Nope, can't do it, my Grampa lives there.
(siren whoops) Stop! Stop right there! Well, looks like we finally put an end to this light-mare on Elm Street.
Actually, it's Maple Street, Chief.
Thank you, joke police.
Please don't arrest me.
It's a victimless crime! MOLEMAN: Oh, I can't see! (tires screeching) (moaning) Looks like a case of Molemanslaughter.
Did that sound right to you, Lou? I like it.
Thanks for letting me hide here, Grampa.
Hiding? This is the best visit I've had in months! Aah! Now, come get your birthday present.
Whoa! I've been asking my parents for this, but they said I'd break my neck.
Hey, you're gonna break your neck sometime.
It's important you do it when you're young.
Like chicken pox.
Now get out before I say something else preposterous.
Mom, it's just the Mayo Clinic Pre-Medical Summer Camp.
I would've been totally fine on my own.
(horn honks) No more discussion.
Our cab's here.
Ooh, it's one of those new Apple cars.
Really think they should've stuck with computers.
Have a great trip.
Don't you worry.
I'll take good care of our little guy.
I'm 15! (laughs) (baby talk): Oh, our big boy's getting cranky.
(groans) Homer, this summer may be your last chance to have a close relationship with your son.
Don't blow it.
So, boy, look at this.
Just us guys, huh? Mm-hmm.
(chuckles) Glad we've got the whole summer, 'cause we got a lot to talk about.
Yeah, I guess.
Let's see.
Um oh! When you replace windshield wipers, you only need to switch out the rubber part, not the whole blade.
Huh, where can you buy just the rubber part? I don't know.
Well, I'm glad I told you that before I died.
So, uh, I'll go to Moe's while you sort it out, huh? Yes! Hey, thanks for coming.
(giggles) After washing dishes for a year they bumped me to prep, which means I draw up the schedule, babe.
Wow, no more Mr.
Minimum Wage.
I didn't say that.
So I just got out of juvie for the streetlight thing.
But I'm not mad.
I've learned that the greatest crime of all is a life without faith.
What's wrong? Is the cross not big enough?! Wow, you make out just like Terri said you do.
Wait, you're not Terri? No, I'm Sherri.
But the further we go, the more you'll know the difference.
(groans) (sniffs) Oh, weed.
That can get me into a lot of trouble.
Hey, idiots, the bong stays in the tree house! Hey, boy.
(laughs) Are you crazy? What if the cops come? (laughing, coughing) You're here, too? Yeah, must be weird for you.
And-and think about this, man-- the whole world is happening right now.
I mean, India, China.
It's crazy.
Can you just leave me here with my dad? All right, sure.
I can fly! No, no, I can't! I can't! Dad, why is it you and I are never on the same page? WIGGUM: Officer down, man.
Boy, when you arrived, I was terrified.
Because it meant I wasn't a kid anymore.
I had responsibilities.
Truth is, I'm just like you.
A misunderstood guy who wants his family to love him.
And maybe we could start with a hug? Aw, I'm so glad we're sharing this.
And I'm glad I have one kid who's never gonna go anywhere or do anything.
Damn it, Homer! You ruin everything! (groans) Grampa, got to talk to Grampa.
Grampa, I sure miss you, man.
What would you say if you were here right now? If you ever get a chance to pitch woo at Myrna Loy, take it! She has eyes like a Persian cat.
Of course in my day, Persia extended from Algiers to Constantinople.
Till the revolt of the eunuchs in 1916 when (shouts) Ooh, you got gumption, kid.
Find what you love and follow it to glory.
Yes.
ANNOUNCER: So, we're headed into the final round of the Duff Extreme BMX vert competition.
Let's check the scoreboard while the half-pipe is being cleaned by the Blood-Zoni.
Dad, one more round and I win! First achievement I can call my own.
Thank God whatever this thing is is considered a sport.
ANNOUNCER: Bart Simpson to the gate, please.
Oh, good, we're just in time.
Hmm.
It's not the size of the pennant.
It's what you do with it.
All right, nobody likes a showoff.
D'oh! (crowd cheering) ANNOUNCER: Oh, man, I love to see this.
Simpson's setting up for his signature suicide no-hander (gulps) BART: I'm doing it! I'm doing it! Finally, I'm me.
Finally out of Lisa's shadow.
No! (grunts) (grunting) Yes! Yes! Thank God I aced chest compressions at Mayo pre-med camp! And Bart's okay! The real star of this BMX tournament is Lisa Simpson! CROWD (chanting): Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! You've ruined everything I've ever done! Move, quick! No! Warned you.
Biker, huh? I used to bike.
I used to have dreams.
I used to think disco was coming back.
Now I'm just Stu.
Nothing Stu.
Hey, Bart, you are coming to my graduation party tonight? I don't know, man.
It's humiliating.
My little sister's graduating the same year as me.
Haw-haw! Nelson, how can you say that with what's happened to you? Yeah, well, I bought a totally bitching car with the money I got selling my pituitary gland.
So cool.
(rock music playing) (crying): I knew I'd break down when Kearney Jr.
graduated.
It's okay, Dad.
We still got K-3.
(coos) (both laughing) Right.
Ralph, you joined the army? Yes, because I needed a costume for this party.
At college I'm gonna reinvent myself.
I'll pretend I have a girlfriend in Canada.
I'll say she lives in Alberta and her name is Alberta, so I don't have to remember two lies.
Bart! I was getting worried.
I'm your oldest buddy.
I was there when you got your nose done, then I was there when you had your nose undone.
Friends, family, and a few people we hired to make our son look more popular I love Milton! Dad, you're embarrassing me! As usual.
Yes, it's the only thing your father does well.
Can't you two put it aside for one night in honor of me? No! No! Oh.
Ah, what the heck? Congratulations, Milhouse.
You made it through adolescence and you're cuter than ever.
Oh, sweet Lisa! You know I had a rocky childhood with all the rocks they threw at me.
You're the most amazing thing at this party.
Well, excuse me! (groans) I'm not even the best Simpson at my best friend's party! Do you know what it's like to be second-best at anything? Yeah, I do! I'm going to Yale! Listen here, Bart Simpson! I am sick and tired of you blaming me for every setback you have ever had! And you have talents, too, you idiot.
You're a hell of an artist, even though you don't do anything with it.
You think I'm an artist? And you already have a true artist's most important asset.
A miserable life.
So if that's all my fault, you're welcome.
Hey, man.
You're looking good.
Thank God Lisa invented the artificial pituitary.
Sorry, didn't mean to use the "L" word.
Listen, man, a certain someone convinced me to go around giving back the lunch money I took.
Here's the first $5,000.
Wow.
Thanks.
What got into you? Nelson, come on! We'll miss day six of the Bolivian Film Festival.
You guys are dating? Is there any other reason I'd be going to a Bolivian Film Festival? I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Bart.
I don't really know how you feel about me.
Well, you told me I was an artist, and you were right.
I am, and I get to write on the walls.
LISA: Wow, that's beautiful.
I do notice there's no me.
Ah, those are the breaks.
Why don't I buy you and your boyfriend a couple beers? Just let me close up.
That would be nice.
We'll see you at the car.
Aw! You weren't supposed to see.
Well, I'm glad I did.
Hmm? You're El Barto? How is that possible? Why are clouds brown? Pollution.
Why is the grass green? 'Cause it's artificial.
Then why are the sprinklers coming on? 'Cause I was too lazy to unhook them.
Why aren't we moving? Because you're drunk and I'm stoned.
Why does beer taste so good? 'Cause you've just had seven.
BART: Did you like the movie Boyhood? HOMER: Oh, is that what this was? BART: How many years of hair do I have left? HOMER: It disappears as soon as girls like you.
BART: What's the secret of life? HOMER: You can avoid a lot of awkward situations by pretending to be on the phone.
BART: Like what? HOMER: Hold on, I got to take this call.