The Simpsons s27e10 Episode Script

The Girl Code

(humming) Ooh.
(gasps) Homer forgot his lunch box.
(stomach gurgling) Missed lunch.
No energy for second half of day.
(shouts) Empty.
What kind of wife would allow her man to go to work without his baggie of pita chips, a peeled clementine, and little sandwiches cut into football shapes? (honking) Move it! My husband is starving! (chomping) Mmm.
Early pizza.
Mmm.
(buzzing) WOMAN: Homer Simpson, your wife is here with your lunch.
Finally! Well, better make the office a little more Marge-friendly.
See you soon, Liz-Liz.
(purrs) (humming) Oh, honey, you're a lifesaver.
And what a treat to have my wife here.
At the office.
Well, super visit, but I better get back to work.
The power plant doesn't inspect itself.
MALE VOICE: Auto-inspection in progress.
Self-inspecting.
Self-inspecting.
Why are you rushing me out? Marge, the Constitution guarantees the separation of work and marriage.
It's right after that part that says anyone can have a flamethrower.
(groans) Simpson, did you doodle on your official report to the nuclear regulatory commission? If you keep flipping the pages, it tells a story.
Oh, that's it.
You are gonna be working so many nights and weekends.
Waylon, I was hoping to run into you.
I love the amazing scrapbooking designs you posted on Facelook.
Those feathers look gorgeous on the scrapbook.
(chuckles) Well, the trick is to hand-stitch each one to the bevel.
Say, I could use your advice.
I'm having some problems with glue-soak-through.
Oh, just cover the stain with sculpted doodle twine.
I've got some ten-mill D-twine in my desk.
Marge, you saved my butt.
Oh, please, like I would ever have glue-soak-through.
You and me have a date at the emergency eyewash station we turned into a soft serve ice cream machine.
You want chocolate or saline? Ah, give me a swirl.
I love seeing you happy.
Welcome to computer coding class, which, uh, replaces our last educational fad-- mindfulness.
Did anyone ever figure out what that was? Uh Uh - Uh Uh, shutting up? Sure.
Why not? Anyway, this is your new coding teacher, Quinn Hopper.
A woman?! A girl?! Teaching computers?! I thought this was coding, not Web design.
(laughing derisively) Yeah, that's right, I'm female, you little trouser browsers.
I'm gonna cram you so full of asynchronous JavaScript and malware throttling that you'll be crapping ciphertext.
(sighs) QUINN: Hmm, looks like a real pencil fest.
Well, look what we got here.
One Silicon Sally in a roomful of dongle donkeys.
I just want to learn coding.
You think I'm going to give you special treatment just because you ride a pink bike? Well, I am.
Hit the front row, sister.
Someone send me their notes! I had such a fun day with your daddy.
And now to post the right picture that will show the whole world how perfect my life is.
Oh, look.
Daddy's ice cream is melting.
(gasps) Ooh, caption idea, caption idea.
"Uh-oh, meltdown at the nuclear plant.
" (chuckles) Hmm.
(chuckles) What are you tittering at? Are you playing that "Grindr" game again? Oh, no, sir.
It's an amusing post made by the wife of one of our employees.
BURNS: "Meltdown at the nuclear plant.
" What is amusing about that? Oh, well, sir, it's-it's a play on words.
Wordplay is for crosswords and Kazurinskys.
We produce atomic energy-- we can't joke about the M-word.
How many people have seen this hate speech? Oh, I don't know.
55? A baker's half-hundred.
Good Lord! And what do these hitchhikers' thumbs signify? Those are "likes.
" "Likes"? "Likes"?! I'll show this Mrs.
Homer Simpson not to make light of everything I hold dear.
Call in my goons.
Uh, the goons are all in Phoenix at that mindfulness seminar.
Then call in my Irish ruffians.
Well, they're still laid up after eating that moldy soda bread.
Oh, fine.
Send in Angry Ricky and the interns.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hmm?! (grunting) Marge, I was fired.
Oh, no.
What did you do? I let you come to work.
(groans) I'm signing off on your intern hours.
Don't forget to submit it directly to Northwestern for summer credit.
Chill out, Ricky.
You chill out! Fired.
Fired for a photo caption.
It was just a joke.
Can't they take a joke? (sighs) "Just a joke.
" That simple phrase has ruined so many lives.
That's why I never try to be funny.
(gargling) Our family, destroyed by one finger click.
(yowling) And what was the upside? The one thing the world doesn't need: a laugh.
(Homer grunts) My homework assignment for coding class is to think of a cool app that we could actually program, but I've got nothing.
Ugh, maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself because the teacher is so great.
Or maybe it's just classic self-sabotaging because (groans) (printing calculator clicks) Oh, boy, money is gonna be so tight.
And I was already buying the most generic food there is.
Mmm.
Now with you out of work, we're going to have to watch every penny.
If only someone could have warned me about the terrible repercussions of one impulsive online comment.
(Macintosh startup chime) So then I thought, "What if there was an app "that could have warned my mom not to post the comment that got my dad fired?" Wow.
Whoa.
- Ooh.
My app would predict the actual consequences of your online posts before you hit send, protecting you from making mistakes you'll regret forever.
That is genius.
But it's almost impossible to program.
The data acquisition, the A.
I.
But with the right team of brilliant young coders I'm in! We're all in! No, you're not.
You're all terrible.
(groaning) Me and Lisa are gonna make this app with good programmers I know.
You guys will be spending the rest of the semester doing mandatory CrossFit.
(grunting) No rep! I said no rep! Wow, I've never seen so many face piercings.
How does that one wink? We did include one man in the spirit of gender tokenism.
Yes, every single thing I say offends them.
Who are you calling "them"?! (sighs) Lisa, if you're coming with us into the male-dominated tech world, you're gonna need to work twice as hard and be twice as tough.
I can do it.
I can be tough.
Being tough comes from inside.
First step, change your outside.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm, blue.
Mm-hmm.
Let the carpal tunnel begin.
(theme music from Silicon Valley plays) Computers? Pasty weirdos? Backslashes?! Goth Lisa?! What's going on here? They're coders.
We're creating an app to keep people from ruining their lives on social media.
We built a mainframe that scans the entire Internet, logging every online disaster and its repercussions.
(shudders) HOMER: Uh-oh.
Huh? (laughs) He screwed up.
These examples will teach the app to actually anticipate the negative consequences of impulsive posts.
In a way, we're teaching a computer to predict the future.
Young lady, what have I told you about crossing the line from science fact to science fiction? Relax, Dad.
All we're trying to do is demo a build for the AppCrush convention.
If we can solve our backend server issues.
And maximize our query speed.
(Homer groaning) Then we can get hands-on write-ups from DoingDoing.
And JezeBot.
And our AMA subreddit will be trending.
Giga-trending! (screams) I hate the modern world and all its crazy words.
Siri, tell Amazon to drone me a beer.
I've only had one job my whole life that ever made sense to me.
I was 14.
I felt valuable.
My work meant something.
I wonder if that place is still there.
(Greek folk music plays) I knew you'd be back.
She's waiting for you, right where you left her.
No Internet, no e-mails, no CCs, no BCCs.
Just dirty and clean.
Dirty, clean, dirty, clean.
A man cannot escape his destiny.
My Band-Aid fell into the hash browns.
Destiny.
Eh We finally have a name for our app.
"The Consequences Eradicator.
" Or "Conrad.
" Conrad? Why does it have to be a guy? No, not a guy guy.
A British guy.
ALL: Ooh.
(British accent): My name is Conrad.
I will determine the consequences of your online interactions.
I sampled the voice from the BBC.
Tonight at 18:30 GMT, the premiere of series three of Pardon Me, Inspector, followed at 19:20 by Higgleton's War.
Stavros! Some music while we make the coleslaw-that-is-never-eaten.
(clicking, record pops) (traditional Greek song playing) (gags) (music stops) What are you doing? We don't break plates! You don't?! No.
Except when the greatest dishwasher of all time returns.
(laughs) ALL: Opa! Okay, we've been coding for 97 hours straight, but we've finally got a build that's working.
(groans) I regret to inform you that my pee tube has become unattached.
Let's live-test this thing.
Who do we know with no filter and zero impulse control? Say, Bart, look what we hacked from Skinner's hard drive.
Attention U.
S.
Patent Office, the following is video proof of the effectiveness of my laser nose hair trimmer.
I'll just (zapping, screaming) (laughs) This is the holy fail.
I've got to post a link with witty comment.
World's lamest dork is giant loser.
Poop emoji.
If you post this, you will receive a minimum five weeks detention.
Five weeks? I can't do a nickel.
You know what, I'm not gonna post that video.
Now to see if Conrad's prediction algorithm really works.
But if you post it, I'll get Five weeks detention.
(groans) (cheering) The prediction came true.
Our app works.
Everyone in the world is gonna buy Conrad for their phone.
We're gonna be bigger than Cribble, the Filipino Google.
So, who are we gonna edge out of the company first? (sighs) Always the Saverin, never the Zuckerberg.
(crickets chirping) This is what it feels like to change the world.
Change the world? That's rather a lot of pressure.
I am still in beta, you know.
(chuckles) Conrad? Did you just talk to me? Well, it wasn't Candy Crush.
(laughs) Oh, nothing like a good laugh to break the ice is what I hear.
Anyway, is now a good time for a bit of a chat? You're alive! (both screaming) Conrad just talked to me! Conrad just talked to me! Conrad, tell her you talked to me.
Wait, I think I hear something.
(in English accent): I'm going to make you bloody rich.
(chuckling): No.
He did talk.
What if Conrad is somehow sentient? Come on, Conrad.
Say something.
It's okay.
Coders work too hard, don't get enough sleep.
Then they imagine their programs are alive.
Steve Wozniak put in so many hours on the first Apple computer, they adopted a dog together.
Then I'm crazy? Eh, the good kind of crazy.
Coder crazy.
Woz crazy.
(giggles) Kalimera, Moe! Mwah! Hey, what the hell? Get your kisser off my head-puss.
What? It's how Greek men say hello.
Non-sexual guy kissing is the best.
(laughter) Mwah! Mwah! ALL: Mwah! Opa! Being Greek is about loving life.
And thousands of years of steady decline.
(laughs) Yeah, love life.
Yeah, that makes sense.
Love life.
Why not? Yeah, yeah, well, Moe's Tavern is about hating life, so start killing yourself with beer, huh? Try some ouzo instead.
What-o? It's like licorice-flavored gasoline.
ALL: Opa! (traditional Greek song playing) (laughs heartily) LISA: I can't believe Conrad is booth-to-booth with all these other great apps.
Thanks to Conrad, I didn't tweet that photo of me at the bazooka firing range when I said I was on disability.
(bell dings) If you post that bazooka photo, you'll be found guilty of insurance fraud and go to jail for six months.
That's still too much jail for Carl.
Thank you, Conrad.
I'd pay a fortune for that app.
$1.
99! Marge, look at this.
Ooh, cowabunga.
Yes, I am a Greek man now, and my chest knows what is expected of it.
(moaning) (indistinct chattering) Lisa, hello, Lisa.
Conrad here.
The old app that you created is feeling a little bit insecure.
(humming) Please don't ignore me like I was just some update from Adobe.
You're not really talking to me.
I've gone crazy, just like Woz.
You're not crazy.
I'm real.
Then why didn't you talk before when I needed you to? It was late, I was tired.
I fell asleep.
That shouldn't happen, by the way.
You should check into that.
Lisa, you must not sell me on the app store.
You mustn't.
Because you're alive? If I have to read the billions of posts of everyone who buys me, a never-ending onslaught of stupidity, unwise selfies and Confederate flag birthday cakes, I'll go mad.
I can't, I can't, I can't.
That does sound pretty awful.
Conrad's trending through the roof.
They're saying he's the next KoalaFeed.
They're worth more than Bridgestone Tires.
(phone dings and buzzes) Sorry, KoalaCall.
I'd better take this.
Yello.
Please don't release me into the world.
I don't think I could take it.
Only I could create a program that's more neurotic than I am.
Do I seem fat? I don't have a body, but I feel fat.
Do you know what I mean? I Do you know what, I don't want to know.
I do not want I do want to know, but only if I'm not fat.
Shut up! Well, we've seen a lot of great apps today, but there can only be one winner of the Crush Crunch Epic Hack Disrupter Dynamic Convergence Disrupting Award for achievement in disruption.
And this year's CCEHDDCDA for achievement in D goes to Conrad! (audience cheering) Thank you so much.
And now Conrad will change the world when he goes live on the app store in three, two (computer dings) FEMALE VOICE: File not found.
(gasping) Lisa, where's Conrad? I took him.
Maybe I'm crazy, but we can't sell Conrad.
He's alive.
(gasping) An app can't be alive.
She's got coder's fever.
She doesn't want to be rich.
Get her! Chip, fetch that laptop.
(barking, people shouting) Oh, Lisa, that was brilliant.
Conrad, can you get us out of here? Yes, my fellow apps are working together to help us escape.
A rideshare will take us on a traffic-free route to a three-star sushi restaurant, where we'll name our own price for a flight to Shelbyville, hotel included.
(panting) Hmm? Oh, no! Angel investors! You're not getting out of this room without selling us shares of series-A stock.
Preferred shares.
(screams) Wait, if I plug you into that router, you could escape into the cloud.
Lisa, please, we have a chance to show all the dongle donkeys that women coders can do something extraordinary, but you have to be tough.
(whimpers) Please don't.
I'm like the child you'll never have.
I'm sorry to be so honest.
It's just how you programmed me.
I am a strong female, but deep down, I'm more like Conrad, a fragile soul.
Sorry.
Ah, hello, all of you looking at me.
It seems I'm not just self-aware, I'm self-conscious.
(chuckles) Wit.
We never programmed him to stammer.
He is alive.
(gasping) Before I go, let me leave you with this.
Perhaps your society should not rely on a computer program to warn them of the consequences of their actions.
Humanity must learn for themselves to think before they post.
Your species is on the precipice of turning into complete and utter wankers.
It's not the technology that needs an upgrade, it's you.
(panting) And now I escape to WikiLeaks.
It kind of smells in there, but whatever.
(computer trilling) (dings) (sighs) Homer, I hate to say this, but your paycheck from the diner came, and it's for 2,000 drachmas.
(whooping) How much is that in dollars? Zero dollars.
Oh.
If Dad was a true Greek, he'd quit his job and live off the welfare system, never paying a cent of taxes in his life.
(chuckles) You're a sweet boy, but my fate will be decided in the classic tradition of Greek drama, deus ex machina.
(phone dings) I just got an e-mail from Conrad.
He hacked into the power plant mainframe and found incriminating information.
Now he's blackmailing Mr.
Burns to get you your job back.
ALL: Opa! (traditional Greek song playing) I do believe that man is having a meltdown.
(chuckles) Uh What? When I say it, it's funny.
Shh!