The Simpsons s27e14 Episode Script

Gal of Constant Sorrow

1 D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) ANNOUNCER: It's fourth and nine for the Simpsons.
Homer takes the snap, looking for a receiver.
They're all covered.
He's gonna sneak it in! (crowd cheering) Oh, man, that is why he gets to control the remote.
The Simpsons 27x14 Gal of Constant Sorrow @elderman (Simpsons eating) Mmm.
Oh, this tile is loose.
I'll have to call a handy man.
Why'd you say it like that? With a pause between the words.
Are you saying I'm not handy? That's how you say it: handy man.
It's handyman.
That's what I said: handy man.
(exclaims) Marjorie, there is the profession: handyman, and there are men who are handy.
Which are you saying I'm not? Tell me.
A handy man.
(exclaims) Face it, homeboy, you ain't handy.
Unless we need a big fat paperweight.
I'll paperweight you! Oh! (groaning) (grunting) (grumbles) Homie, sweetie, replacing a tile is something you really need a professional for.
I know how to replace a tile.
All guys do.
We talk about it all the time.
Grout? There's no stopping what I've started here.
Here's your tile.
Have fun.
Handy man.
Lisa, honey, do you have any idea how to replace a floor? Here's a video tutorial on replacing a tile.
I don't know if I need a whole tutorial to teach me You're tapping.
You have to swipe.
I'm-I'm swiping, I'm swiping.
Pretend you're swiping chocolate icing off a cake.
All right, how's that? Ah, see? There.
There it is, yeah.
Perfect.
There really is icing on here.
All right, then.
Hi there.
If you're watching this video, you've got a job that needs doing but you're too cheap to pay for it.
Man, this guy's inside my head.
Now, replacing a tile is a simple task.
As long as the substrate beneath the tile isn't rotted.
If there is rot in your substrate, we will now play loud music so you can curse.
(salsa music playing, Homer shouting) Stupid floor! Why Why was I born a homeowner? On your marks.
On your marks.
Get set.
Get set.
Twins! Twins! Loser! Oh, boy.
(Ralph giggling) Oh.
Why is everyone passing us? You know how scared I am of going on a slant.
Oh.
(grunts) Ow! Latchkey kids rule! I can't die now.
I actually did my homework.
(grunts) (groans) I'm sorry, ma'am.
Come spring, I'll go get that for you.
Dang good-for-nothin' cart.
Always fighting to go left when I wanted to go right.
It was my only friend.
(crying) Now take your sponge, wipe away the excess grout and you're done.
Oh, my God, it looks like what it's supposed to look like.
I did man work! My hero.
I'm happy to say I was wrong.
I'll put Maggie down and make you a snack.
Something bacon-y.
(whoops) A bacon apology sandwich.
(meowing) What? No.
No.
No.
(meow) (scratching) Oh, I sealed in the cat.
If it dies, it'll stink up the whole house.
Also, the kids like it.
(meowing) Stupid genius cat.
She went from under the floor to inside the wall.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.
MARGE: More repairs? Aah! Marge, I should tell you something.
I knew it.
You're not a handy No.
You did not know it.
I was going to say I'm not stopping with the tile.
Oh, no.
Once you've been bitten by the repair bug, you can't quit.
How would you like hot water in the bathtub again? (gasps) I'll go get the "H" knob out of my jewelry box.
Mmm.
Don't take long, handy man.
Handyman.
(giggles) Okay, cat, I'll get you out tomorrow, but here's dinner.
Lasagna, which I know cats like.
Oh! Nothing to see here.
Just kneeling in front of the electric outlet, appreciating Edison's miracle.
Look, Hettie, you got two choices.
Under the bed or in the closet.
I suppose I will take the closet.
Oh, my goodness.
This is like my heyday when I was livin' in that car.
You know, you get enough parking tickets on the front, they act like curtains.
(sniffs) Mmm.
Hey, mornin', boss.
Hey, what you take in your coffee? 'Cause I got sugar and I got something called "Not for individual sale.
" Listen.
I don't think you should get too comfortable here.
Okay, okay.
Thought you might say that, but, uh, what if I make it amenable to you? If you hide me here, I'll give you a dollar a day.
Here's one week in advance.
Yes, I'm a slumlord.
DRAKE: Started from the bottom, now we're here Started from the bottom, now the whole team here Started from the bottom, now we're here Started from the bottom, now the whole team here Started from the bottom, now we're here Started from the bottom, now my whole team here Started from the bottom, now we're here Started from the bottom, now my whole team here Started from the bottom, now we're here Started from the bottom, now we're here I done kept it real from the jump Living at my mama house, we'd argue every mornin' I was-- I was trying to get it on my own Working all night, traffic on the way home And my uncle calling me like "Where ya at? I gave you the keys, told you bring it right back" I just-- I just think it's funny how it goes Now I'm on the road, half a million for a show And we started from the Hmm.
Sorry, cat.
Had to go to work.
Then there was a freeway chase on the news.
Had to watch it till the end.
The guy got arrested in a cul-de-sac.
They never do what I yell at them to do.
(meowing, scratching) Oh, you're in the ceiling? Do not use top step? Stupid government, trying to keep us down.
(grunting) Where is Bart getting this money? (exclaims) Lisa? Just what do you think you're up to? Mm Come on.
You can tell Dr.
Tuna.
Okay, I admit it.
I think Bart's up to something funny, so I'm snooping in his room.
No snooping.
You know what they say about curiosity.
It killed the cat? The cat's fine! Stop asking about the cat! MAN: Lose a Kewpie doll in front of your gal.
(tuning guitar) Hey, boss.
(clears throat) We have a situation here.
You owe me three weeks' back rent.
Aha! Bart Simpson, you are cruelly exploiting a poor, unfortunate woman.
So, you're gonna tell Mom and she's gonna kick Hettie out.
Girlie, ain't you got a heart? Nope.
All brain, no heart.
Yeah.
She looks like a little bitty railroad bull.
Now I got to sing for my supper.
I wrote this one a few days ago.
This is a song about loss.
It was a cart Meant for shopping It came to mean Much more to me It held the pan I cook my slop in And my old PlayStation 3 It was my home And my place of worship It was my home And it was kinda my car Now you're just rolling underwater While Safeway wonders Where you are.
Whoa! My roommate is talented! If I know my Smithsonian Folkways, that was an Appalachian folk song.
Well, I'm from Lickskillet, Kentucky, just shy of the Appalachia Trail.
Really? Oh, I love, love, love indigenous mountain music.
(chuckles) Well, isn't that fascinatin'? I'm glad you liked the song.
Yes.
I liked it very, very, very m Oh! You want money.
I'm sorry.
I don't have any.
(chuckles) I'm also a musician.
(chuckles) But you can stay in our house.
Ha-ha! It's a deal! Back in the boy's closet.
No, Hettie.
You're a human being.
You can sleep in my closet.
Hmm.
Well, la-di-da.
How much you charge? Nothing.
Maybe we can talk a little music.
Ugh.
Boy, what's your price again? Okay, we'll only talk about it if you want to! But it would be an honor.
Okay, let's go.
Oh, you've hurt yourself.
Uh, nope, that's syrup.
Oh, let me find you a Wet-Nap.
I just woke up from a wet nap.
Okay.
Conversation's over.
Check, one, two.
All right.
No, no, no, leave the windows open.
I like crickets and night breeze in my music.
They do go well together.
Have you always been musical? You know, first sound I ever heard was my daddy fiddlin'.
His name was Bascom Lee Boggs.
(gasps) Bascom Lee Boggs?! He played with some seminal Appalachian bands, like Snug and the Cousin Huggers, Lead Paint Larry and the Drooly Boys, Howlin' Sue and Her Vestigial Organ, and Bloody Mary and the Coalmine Canaries.
(inhales) Did your daddy teach you to fiddle? No.
He was gonna start me out on the cigar box banjo, but, uh, before he could, he-he lost his sight.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, he got shot in the face.
(gasps) You know them puzzles where you slide the tiles? He looks a little like that now.
My mother was an amazing banjo player.
Mmm.
Unfortunately, she did also go blind.
Really? Yeah, it was winter and she was runnin' a fever and, um, then she got shot in the face.
Oh, wow.
Hettie, you've had such a sad life.
But you know what? That's gonna turn around when I show the world what it's missing in you.
Well, I don't know if the world's gonna get me, but, child, it sure feels good to know that you do.
Mmm.
Mmm.
You're having a moment with someone who has so few moments.
This will never be forgotten.
Oh, baby girl, I feel like I'm back home in poorest Appalachia.
Thank you.
Okay.
And three, two, one (playing guitar) Oh, Barnes & Noble Oh, I am sorry to see That your store Has been shuttered I miss your bathroom policy I would sleep in your stalls For many a long day It's lovely, but I want you to know I've-I've truly come to hate music.
That is so sad.
I wanted to arrange a concert in Springfield Park.
We needed the school's lights and sound system.
Lights? Sweetie, you don't know a Fresnel from a gobo.
Well, I think you'll help me every way you can.
And why, pray tell, is that? Because deep down, there's still a part of you that remembers music can be magical.
(chuckles) You're right.
I can't bear to kill your passion.
It will live at least until third grade, when you get Mrs.
Ortner.
So, I got back together with Jeff.
Then, of course, I realized there was a reason we broke up.
(playing tuba) That sounds awful, and you look stupid doing it.
(guitar playing) (grumbling) (knocking) Hettie, Hettie, I have a surprise for you! (gasps) Oh, well, barbecue my bedbugs.
That is glorious.
(chuckles) To pay for it, I sold my Malibu Stacys.
Which, from a feminist perspective, was long overdue.
But I have a Ken that I'm transitioning to a Stacy.
Try it on, try it on, try it on! I heard you the second time! Mmm, mmm.
Why, thank you, Your Majesty, I will have another cup of soda.
Lis, Lis, Lis.
(grunting) What?! I've seen you like this before, and it ends badly.
She is gonna break your heart.
And your heart's as tough as a soap bubble.
Remember how upset you got over that dead plant? Oh.
It's the seven-month anniversary of that.
(crying) Oh, geez, here we go again.
Ugh.
You know what, Bart? Just get out! And get Dad's keys and drive us to the radio station.
And then get out! Wait until we're done.
Then drive us back.
Then get out! (hammering, sawing) (crash) HOMER: Damn it! (knocking) (footsteps approaching) Hey.
Hello, Homer.
I need to do the laundry.
Uh, uh, I'll do it! Oh.
HOMER: You idiot.
Now we'll always have to do the laundry! (laughs) I'll do it wrong so she'll never ask again.
Homer, you're a genius! Thanks, brain! Oh, I'm not your brain.
I'm a blood clot.
Okay.
I'm goin' in.
Thank God I never put in that insulation.
(grunting) Whoo-hoo! I glide silently through the wall.
Silently, ever silently.
(Snowball II mewing) (grunting) Aah! Ooh, rogue nails! Oh.
(hissing) Hot pipe! (panting) Gah.
It's Oh.
Rough tongue! Aah! Oh, that's just (Santa's Little Helper howling) Aw, crap.
(barking) Sure am glad we don't have a horse.
Welcome back to Mountain Trax.
I'm here today with the one and only Miss Hettie Mae Boggs, the baby of the Boggs Family.
(laughing): Well, I'm a little big for a baby.
Although my mother did have a 21-pounder.
Charming.
Does anyone on this station talk like they're not at a funeral? No.
I'm afraid we all do.
So, Hettie, you're doing a concert tonight.
Yes, she is.
Could you tell our listeners why you didn't perform with your older brothers and sisters? I mean, they would ask me to.
They would They'd say, "Hettie, come over here, pick up a banjo and play a song with us.
" And, um, I don't know.
I'd say, "No, I'm happy just to sit down by the creek and do my heroin.
" You know? Wait.
What? Is it also true you've been discovered by, and then turned your back on, well-meaning supporters time and time again? Uh, yes, yeah, that is a pattern I adhere to, and do you have any OxyContin? Now, if you got some, you don't have to say yes.
You just got to blink.
Maybe we should take a break.
For the record, I'm not blinking.
He's holding.
He just won't share.
No, no, Hettie, please tell me that you're rehabilitated.
Please tell me that you're talking about heroin so that no one else will follow in your footsteps.
Please reassure me because I am frightened.
Oh, baby girl, I wouldn't let you down.
You and me-- we get each other, yeah? But if I don't get something sweet, I might shoot someone in the face.
(gasps) Are you saying that you shot your parents in the face? I don't know.
That's not really the kind of thing you remember.
You know what I mean? All right, I'm gonna go now.
Bye.
Lis, if she shoots your face off tomorrow, just remember this is what it looks like.
(high-pitched squeak) She is not going to let me down! She is not! I am saving her.
Okay, you've convinced me.
You're out of your mind.
So, how'd it go at the co-ed kickball championship? All a lie! Lisa's been hiding a dangerous heroin addict in her closet! (gasps) You were hiding her in your closet, too! I was renting week-to-week! (grumbling) Homer, do you know what was going on in our house? Why are you asking meow-- I mean, me now? Homer, I know about the cat.
I also know about the dog.
He's fine.
(whistles) (panting) I've been taking care of everything.
You knew? It was pretty sexy pretending you were toolsy.
But Lisa let a strange Kentucky lady live in our house without our permission.
Well, now I don't know where she is, and I believed in her, and we have a concert in 30 minutes.
Oh, honey, we'll find her.
You entertain the audience till we get there.
Okay, I'll play my sax! Well, that'll turn a disappointed crowd into a lynch mob.
Shut up.
Okay, if you want to find this woman, and I recommend you don't, here's a little clue.
Hettie usually smells like radiator booze.
To Cletus country! Hettie, we need to get you up, run you through a car wash and get you to that concert.
You hush up now! Fortunately for you, I'm fluent in drunk.
(slurring his words): Now, come on, get up.
(speaking gibberish) You're gonna get up and (both speaking gibberish) And backtalk.
(both speaking gibberish) Nobody tell me what to do.
Not you, not the po-lice.
Not even the police.
Cletus, why did you give her a shotgun? Hey, I do not give anyone firearms.
Now, she must've taken that out the umbrella stand.
Oh, your little girl's been so good to me.
I can't shoot you in the face.
I'll just make you deaf for a week.
Oh! I have church tomorrow.
Can you do the other? Thank you! (playing lively jazz) Give it up! She isn't coming! (song ends) You've just made a very powerful enemy-- NPR.
Our revenge is made possible by listeners like you.
Hello, Springfield! They're gone, and I am never, ever gonna forgive you.
As I went down in the river to pray Slipped in the mud and lost my way Found a bag of chips and half a Twix Thank you, Lord, for this day Oh, honey, I've been down Bread bag shoes and a Burger King crown Oh, honey, I've been down And down is where I think I'm gonna stay.
(crying) Ugh.
Okay, you can sleep it off on our couch.
Well, thank you, sweetheart.
Hey, what time do you do your couch gags? Around 11:00 in the morning.
You'll be fine.
@elderman (to "Big Rock Candy Mountain"): In the house next door to Flanders There's a devil boy named Bart Fatso's lost his catso And the girl has a great big heart The curtains all have corncobs There's a sailboat on the wall There's Selma and a Patty and a grampa who is batty Apu and his Squishy, the three-eyed fishie And they ain't aware that I took the silverware From the house next door to Flanders Okay, everyone into the tunnel.
In the house next door to Flanders Mom's hairdo scrapes the sky The baby don't say nothin' And no one wonders why Oh, this place is dirtier than the tunnel.
Shh!