The Simpsons s27e15 Episode Script

Lisa the Veterinarian

1 The Simpsons 27x15 Lisa the Veterinarian (couch and TV grunting happily) (giggles, gasps) (both laughing playfully) (both panting, sighing) (grunting) (groaning) @elderman HOMER: Wow, an indoor water park.
Hopefully, this will put the final nail in the coffin of lakes and rivers.
Well, as a mother, I We all know you're a mother.
As a mother, I like that wherever I look, I can see a lifeguard.
I'm finding Nemo! I saw heaven! (cheering) (grunting) My head! (groaning) (laughter) (groans) (grunts) (laughs) Mom! Bart got my hair wet, and I wasn't ready to get it wet yet! (hair dryer whirs) Hmm.
I'm afraid you're going in the kiddie pool.
Oh.
I've had baths that were more exciting.
Baths! (kids gasping happily) Oh, my God, a plastic ring.
Out of my way, you little twerps! I want that ring.
(grunting) Ow! Hmm.
Hey, uh, do you have any waterslides for the gentleman of leisurely proportions? Right this way, sir.
This park specializes in extra-wide double-reinforced tubing for the modern American fatso.
(chuckles): Oh, well.
Cola wars veteran coming through! Woo-hoo! I'm exercising! (laughing) (mechanical bear roars) (gunshot) Awesome.
Milhouse, how long you been waiting in line? You mean you didn't use the app last week to get your Slammin' Salmon line number? What are you, Amish? (groans) All right, time to thin out the herd.
(grunting softly) (static crackles) (deep voice, over P.
A.
): Attention, bathers, this is water park president Cal A.
Bunga.
Do not panic, but the pools are infested with those tiny fish that swim up your wiener.
Get out of the way! (crowd clamoring, screaming) Again, do not panic.
If you think a wiener fish has entered your dingus, the only cure is to roll around naked in the snow.
(clamoring) (people gasping, groaning) Uh, Lou, I need a big favor from you.
Oh, man.
I They don't train you for this at the academy.
Well, they should.
(laughing) (mechanical bear roars) (hawk screeches) (gunshot) (laughing continues) Whee! Yes! (wind whistles) (sniffs) Oh, dear God! Bio breach! (grumbles) (shrieks) (gasps) That poor raccoon! Isn't anyone gonna do anything? He committed nature's greatest crime: coming inside.
(grunting) No heartbeat.
Finally, a chance to use my online CPR training.
(whispering): One, two, three, four five.
(blows) One, two, three, four, five.
(blows) (singsongy): Lisa has a boyfriend! Lisa has a boyfriend! Oh, a boyfriend? And raccoons are such good providers.
Come on, come on.
You have so much more trash to eat.
Steal one more breath, noble bandit.
(grunts) (coughs) It worked.
I saved you.
(chitters) (sighs) My first rescue.
And my first real kiss.
She'd have chosen me if I was wearing a real bathing suit.
(groans) For once, a life saved at a Springfield water park, where a quick-thinking second grader performed emergency CPR on a drowning nuisance animal, while dozens of unheroic onlookers just stood around.
Where was Channel Six news? Filming gas pumps and their ever-changing prices.
Which accomplishes what? I don't know.
DIRECTOR: There's eight minutes left.
Uh, did we do gas prices? Yes! (Ralph giggles) We saw you on the picture radio.
They chyroned your name.
They described you as "Local Girl.
" Hubba, hubba.
They sure got that right.
(growls) Lisa, it looks like you're the perfect student to look after Nibbles the hamster here during spring break.
I'd take him with me, but I'm doing Jell-O shots with former students.
This spring break, I'm gonna go wild with responsibility! My dad's spending spring break in a cage, too.
And for saving that raccoon, I got the opposite of teasing.
I bet the Germans have a word for it, like, uh, gerstronkenplatzen or something.
(chuckles) I wish the Germans had a word for this terrible traffic.
And so ends the moment being about me.
What's going on, Chief? Oh, nasty car crash.
Can't let traffic through until the cleanup crew mops up this mess.
Which is a problem, because they're stuck in traffic behind you.
Okay, who did that?! We need to get home.
I left my father-in-law on the sofa.
He's got to be turned.
Yeah, well, that ain't gonna happen.
Not unless you clean up this accident scene.
(chuckles) Actually, seriously, could you do that? Hmm, I don't know.
I'm one of those people who doesn't like being traumatized by horrifying sights.
Marge, do you know why I became a cop? If you do, could you tell me? 'Cause it's-it's really dangerous.
B-But these crime scene cleanups, they're totally safe.
All the bad people are dead or, uh, at large.
So give it a shot.
Please.
Please, Mom.
Huh? Oh, all right.
There you go.
Spick and span.
Wow, you even made the homeless guy look nice.
Yeah, still crazy though.
You know, Marge, uh, you ever want some fast extra cash, we are always looking for crime scene cleaner-uppers.
You know what they say: crime always pays.
Plus, you can keep any money you find, and any jewelry that isn't monogrammed.
(bicycle bell dings) Hello, little girl.
Oh, does your hamster have Tyzzer's disease? That would've been interesting, but I swabbed him for Tyzzer's and it came up negative.
My.
You certainly know a lot about animals.
That's just it, I do.
I saved a raccoon's life the other day.
It was the best feeling I've ever had.
Is there any way I could work in your office? I mean, as an intern or anything? Oh, do you know how many people walk in here every day looking for just such a thing? A lot, I bet.
No, it's never happened.
Grab a clean smock and follow me.
Oh, okay! (giggles) I can't find a clean smock.
Then your first job is to clean the smocks.
(bell dings) I'm ready, Dr.
Budgie.
Oh, it's a shame to ruin such a clean smock, but, uh, let's go.
Hmm.
(squeals) (sputters) This is heaven.
You got to help me, Doc.
My pet ferret has lost its terrible stink! Well, that won't do.
Let me have a go at jump-starting the old stink gland.
Lisa, my dear, can you restrain the ferret? It would be my honor.
Clear! (electrical buzz) We have stink lines! Well done, Lisa.
Heaven! (chuckles) Ew.
All right, Veggie Kibble for Daisy here.
Chairman Meow is having surgery tomorrow, so only liquid for you.
And no more food for you, Mr.
Snake, until you finish shedding your skin.
Oh.
You have.
Dr.
Budgie, I'm really enjoying cleaning out these cages.
No, really, I am, but are there any jobs that are more exciting? Absolutely.
You can hobble these crickets.
We have a hungry chameleon who's slowing down with age, but he still loves the thrill of the hunt.
Mm.
Anything more life or deathy? I could take the animals' temperature.
I know what that means, and I am up for it.
Oh, Lisa, slow down.
Do you know how many awkward courses I had to take before they let me put my arm inside a horse? I understand.
I just feel like I could be doing more.
Oh, you remind me of a certain young man growing up in Stratfordshire-on-Corningwell.
He, too, was impatient.
Always thinking he could do more.
Was that you? No.
If that was me, I would have said "me.
" This eager beaver had to leave veterinary school and become-- ugh-- a people doctor.
Ooh.
MAN: And with the 27th pick of the 14th round of the NHL draft, the Phoenix Coyotes select Lubochuck, Lubochuck, Lubochuck, Lubochuck.
Cédric Bélanger.
But Lubochuck.
Homie, I think we need a new ceiling fan.
The old one doesn't seem safe.
(electrical crackling) It's fine.
And it saves us money on haircuts.
(Bart gasps) Not bad, but I miss the social aspects of the barbershop.
MAN: The St.
Louis Blues are now on the clock.
Lubochuck, Lubochuck, Lubochuck, Lubochuck.
Hmm.
(phone rings) Springfield PD.
PD police department! Ha! I just got that.
Chief, Chief, this is Marge Simpson.
I think I'd like to do some of those crime scene cleanups.
Oh, great, great.
Hey, I got a job for you right here.
Uh, murder-suicide.
Or possibly a suicide-murder.
Just bring a mop and your imagination.
Hey, it can't be worse than what I've seen.
Homer, I told you not to eat chili out of the colander! Uh, it's pronounced "calendar.
" What's the matter, little guy? You haven't touched your berries.
Do you need aphids for flavor? Mmm.
Aphids.
DR.
BUDGIE: Lisa, could you come here for a moment? (gasps) At last.
I'm trying to give this Saint Bernard a shot, but my hands are a little shaky.
I had an extra gallon of tea for lunch.
Oh, my.
If I hold him, do you think you could attend to the matter of the needle? Of course! Mm.
Careful, careful.
A single millimeter either way would not make much of a difference.
LISA: Huh.
Why am I not feeling the same rush I did with the raccoon? (barking) (shudders) There it is! (humming) Be careful, Mrs.
S.
I've never seen an angel-dust- for-guns swap go so wrong.
Hey, a mess is a mess.
Huh? Let me start with this filthy crime scene tape.
(humming) Yarr, is the doctor in, miss? Little Goldie here is listing hard to starboard.
I fear he may have tangled with the wrong plastic diver.
Hmm.
Could be fin rot.
Oh, no, not the big F.
Arr! Do what you must.
I'll say my good-byes.
You were more wife to me than any woman I ever knew.
Captain, the diagnosis of fin rot is not the death sentence it used to be.
A couple drops of medicine in the water, and he'll be fine.
Hmm.
Yarr, that's amazing! Eh, I've just got one more little problem.
He, uh he ate me car keys.
Yarr.
(grunting) Hurry, Doc! His lungs are full of seltzer! (sobbing) (grunting) (chattering) (grunts) Homie? Notice anything? (beeping) (alarm beeping) Um, are you having an affair? What? No.
I bought a new ceiling fan.
Huh? Ooh, I thought the air felt a little more lively.
But where did you get the money? Actually, I made a little extra by cleaning up crime scenes.
What? Poor Marge.
I heard that can really mess you Oh, baby, that cool air is sweet! up.
Are you sure you're not living a waking nightmare? No.
Not one little bit.
And I get the police discount on cleaning supplies.
I can finally clean Grampa's dentures.
Yeah, I got popcorn in there from Kramer vs.
Kramer.
I was rooting for Kramer, but was dismayed when Kramer finally won.
That's a twist I didn't see Kramer.
Happy birthday, Martin.
Where's the gift table? (chuckles) Right over there, my friend.
(humming) Haw-haw! (chicken clucking) (giggles) Some zoo.
Where are the rental strollers? Actually, it's not so bad.
The animals are healthy.
A couple of paddock scrapes, but nothing overly concerning.
Oh, knock it off.
You're not a vet.
You're a glorified cage scrubber.
Dr.
Budgie depends upon me! I have felt the cold breath of kennel cough in my face.
I have seen tabbies that were more tick than cat.
I know why the caged dog scoots.
So when your lizard loses its tail, you're gonna need me to tell you it's gonna grow back.
(sighs) Want some peanuts, Mr.
Elephant? Uh, it's a goat, not an elephant, and those are shrimp, not peanuts.
And that goat is allergic to shrimp! Your breath smells like "don't drink that.
" (worried bleat) Milhouse, give me your EpiPen! You're not a professional.
I am a self-selected unpaid veterinary intern.
Now let me practice my craft! (bleating excitedly) Hey, he's as good as new.
Look at him play with the kids! (kids grunting) See, Bart? Life or death.
I make the choice.
Okay, time to cut the cake.
(bleats triumphantly) That's my patient.
Guess what, sweetie.
I'm wearing my snuggle socks.
They're compression socks from your heart surgery.
All the same (purring) (sighs) I'm not in the mood.
What?! You've never said that before! I've thought it three times.
Each time was after a burrito-eating contest.
But I won! What's wrong? It's just that seeing you, lying down, reminds me of this bloated corpse I had to clean up today.
Hey, I look damn good for someone who eats the crap I do.
Maybe we should just go to sleep.
I wasn't done with my drink.
Would you like my itty-bitty booze light? I've never seen him like this.
He's so listless.
Who's lost the urge to kill? Who's lost the urge to kill? I'll tell you what's wrong with him: you.
What? Me?! This dog is badly behind on his shots.
He's displaying the symptoms of early onset parvo.
I'm confiscating your dog.
And, you, get out! Smithers, I've been shamed.
Prepare a thimble of ice cream.
Some people don't deserve to own pets.
BART: And you get to decide who? Don't fold your arms at me.
Lis, look at yourself.
You've become so arrogant, you've forgotten who you are.
And even worse, you've forgotten Nibbles! (gasps) Nibbles! My pet! My responsibility! My homework! (gasps) Matted hair, dry tongue Is this true, Lisa? Did you let this happen to a creature in your care? I'm so sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
Pet hamsters need to be played with regularly, or they feel abandoned.
And that can lead to stress polyps on the heart.
The heart is the seat of love, Lisa.
If you'd gone to veterinary school, you'd know that.
I've got no choice but to operate.
And I need your help.
You still want me to help you after I was so arrogant? Lisa, arrogance is what made the British Empire.
Then lost it.
Then pretended it didn't happen.
(monitor beeping steadily) Well, we've done all we can.
The next 24 hours will be crucial.
(monitor flatlining) Oh, he's gone.
(crying): No, no, no.
He can't be dead! He can't! I thought we could save every animal if we just cared enough.
HOMER: Okay, Marge, sweetie, look at this one.
See, Marge? The baby laughs every time the toaster pops.
(chuckles) It is pretty hysterical.
That's nice.
Nice? Something in you is dead, Marge, and that's one crime scene you can't clean up.
And all for a fan.
A stupid ceiling fan that Oh, man, that's refreshing.
I want my Marge back.
(phone rings) Hello? What is it, boy? Uh-huh.
I see.
Fine, Marge.
You sit here, watch your boob tube, have a beer.
That's not how Homer Simpson does things.
I have to go help Lisa! Lisa? Wait! Wait, I'm coming with you.
(door closes) (phone ringing) (line ringing) No answer.
I guess we got to do this ourselves.
Oh, geez.
All right, get some paper towels, boys.
(chain saw buzzing) Lisa.
(sniffling) Oh, Mom, he trusted me as only a hamster can! (crying) If there's one thing I'll always clean up, it's my baby's tears.
Oh, I should've been here for you.
You would've never let anything happen to him.
I was too busy being dead inside Wherever he went, I hope they have hamster balls.
doing I don't know what! But I'm here now, and I'll never leave.
(chuckles) Well, I'll be.
Lisa's learning about death helped Marge feel again.
Yes, a perfect dovetail.
Thank you for curing Walter Pigeon here.
I can't afford to pay you, but I can give you front row seats to my magic show.
The theme is boxing.
Sounds marvelous.
Oh, yeah, no.
Come on, it is.
I want to thank everyone for coming to Nibbles's funeral today.
BART (over P.
A.
): This is President Cal A.
Bunga.
On this sad occasion, the school flag will be flying at half-ass.
Bart! (groans) I know that this is an especially hard time for the other classroom pets, including Mrs.
Nibbles, Shelly the turtle, Sally Mander, Hamilton Fish and Willie's chicken.
Willie, where is your chicken? It was either him or me! I see.
Please stand for Nibbles's final journey.
(bagpipes playing "Amazing Grace") @elderman Shh!