The Simpsons s27e19 Episode Script

Fland Canyon

1 Take that, kite-eating tree.
The Simpsons 27x19 Fland Canyon (exclaiming) @elderman (school bell ringing) Morning! (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) (playing the blues) (playing the blues) (tires screeching) (horn honking) (exclaiming) (tires screeching) D'oh! (tires screeching) (groans) (jaunty melody playing) (horn ooh-gahs) (upbeat orchestral melody playing) (sighing, groaning) (laughing) HOMER: Go to sleep Little Marge Close your eyes Start to yawn You will wake up with the dawn.
(sucking) Dawn (sucking) Dawn Dawn Large fries.
Yes, sir.
Dawn (sucking) MARGE: Did you get the baby to sleep? (sucking) D'oh! Oh, no.
Oh, I can't read that again.
I hate to see a wolf get punished for having normal appetites.
I'll tell you a story that'll put you to sleep.
It's one your mother told me.
Luann Van Houten uses flavored Crisco instead of butter for shortbread cookies.
(yawning): Which is, apparently, flakier, but at what cost? (yawning): And she (muttering) (snoring) (Homer muttering) HOMER: Wh? Huh? What the ? Okay, sweetie, I got a story about another little girl who got lost in the woods, but it wasn't a girl, and it wasn't the woods.
(sucking) Suck, suck, indeed.
And it all happened once upon a time, before you were born, and my chances for a man cave went out the window.
(sucking) Bless you all for sacrificing your Saturday afternoon to help us clean up skid row.
When God came for Sunday, I said nothing.
Now he comes for Saturday.
Homer Simpson, it's one thing to moan and groan on the bus, but in front of these unfortunates, well, (scoffs) that just curls my 'stache.
Hey, Flanders, why don't you take some advice from your Bible and zip it? Oh, where does the Bible say zip it? It's the first thing the burning bush said to Moses.
Thank you for teaching us Scripture.
Thank you.
You know, all this helping others is giving me the most satisfying feeling ever.
So satisfying.
Uh, Lenny Oh, huh.
I get why they do it.
Totally get it.
(whimpers) Hey, Carl, you want to buy all my stuff for five dollars? (dog howling in distance) Well, thank you all for spending the day thinking of others instead of yourselves.
It was a Saturday.
Now, a reward to the most selfless cleaner: A family vacation to the Grand Canyon.
The winner: Ned Flanders.
Surprise, surprise.
The guy that did the best job wins.
NED: Mm-hmm! But this gift certificate is for two families.
Hey, Reverend, we'd love it if you and Helen would join us.
Um uh uh Mm Of course we'd love to join you, but I've noticed that you and Homer haven't been the friendliest "neighboreenos," if you get my diddly.
Uh, well, Ned, I think the Lord would want you to take the Simpsons on this trip.
Our Lord? Yes.
Our Lord.
For would it not indeed be glorious, if in visiting a natural chasm, two quarrelsome neighbors would bridge the chasm of their own discord.
Well, I guess if Job could accept his burdens.
Uh, in America, it's pronounced "job," Flanders.
(laughing): We can settle it when we're zipped up together in a sleeping bag.
(groans) Welcome aboard.
Oh, oh, we'd love to go, but is it such a good idea to travel with another family? It's fun.
We travel with the Hibberts all the time.
We ran into you once, in Cincinnati.
And we had dinner.
We slid our tables together.
We were in a booth we could not get out of.
(groaning sadly) Homie, we should go.
You and Ned need to learn to get along.
You said the same thing about me and Bart.
The judge said the same thing about you and Bart.
If they were any good they'd be lawyers.
Okay, we'll go.
But if Flanders gets so annoying that I can't take it anymore, the code word is octopus.
Can it be something else? I don't like things with hidden beaks.
Octopus or nothing.
So we took eight-year-old Bart, and six-year-old Lisa.
After ten hours of driving, I finally saw the most glorious site.
(engine revs, then tires screech) (groaning) Ah ah ah Ah ah Ah (growls) Ah, ah, ah Ah oh oh, oh, yeah.
Ah ah yeah.
(hums) (loud swallowing) (grunting) Ah.
It's like Disneyland for thin people.
Did you know that the Grand Canyon was created by erosion? And before 1871, it was called Big Canyon? Okay, that's it.
We're on vacation.
(crying) Why, you little (rattling) (both grunting) (both laughing) Whoa.
Keep 'em coming, boy.
Oh, ooh.
That one stung me.
(laughing) Ow.
That's enough.
We're here to enjoy ourselves.
If you just turn your head slightly, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
No time.
(Grofé's "Sunrise" from The Grand Canyon Suite playing) HOMER: Wow.
And they say we're running out of room for our garbage.
(shudders) NED: Go tell it on the mountain Over the hills and everywhere Go tell it on the mountain That Jesus Christ is born Born, born, born, born Go tell it on the mountain Octopus.
A vacation with Flanders? That's like telling you a bedtime story without a beer.
(pop of bottle opening) (sighs) Now, where were we? Thank you, ma'am.
Thank you.
Am I such a terrible mother that my son doesn't even know to say thank you to a waitress? Come on, honey.
What do you say? You want me to lie and say I'm thankful for chicken and veg when I wanted whiskey- battered bourbon bangers? Just say thank you.
My boy never said thank you.
Now he's on death row.
Was on death row.
(snoring) Daddy, when will the noise stop? Hmm.
Take these.
Those were earplugs.
(boys groan) Wow, I never thought there'd be something I'd want to stare at longer than that car wreck on the way here.
We've got to hurry before they run out of mules.
Is that what they're serving for breakfast? (Marge groans) HOMER: How about donkeys? MARGE: No.
Huh? That's odd.
Enjoying your moon view, Homer? Why you little Two can play at that game.
(squeaking) (groaning) (Bart laughing) Stupid kid.
So embarrassing.
I'm a little nervous with all these waivers we have to sign.
Marge, this is a national park.
People are completely safe here.
Now let's do my favorite thing: go downhill.
You're 180? My blood pressure is.
Uh, let's get you a mule, dude.
Oh (loud braying) Get me El Gordo.
Gordo here used to carry 200-pound granite blocks up from the canyon.
(Gordo groaning) (Grofé's "On the Trail" from The Grand Canyon Suite playing) This has got to be the most beautiful thing we've ever stole from the Indians.
(car engines) What is that? A billionaires' retreat.
Yeah, the heads of America's most powerful media companies have come to enjoy nature.
DRIVER: Put up the cell phone tower.
I said I wanted a Tom Cruise type, not Tom Cruise.
Burn down the cell phone tower.
I can't stand rich people.
Can I name my mule? We prefer you don't.
Is there a name for this trail? I'm sure there is.
Is this a fun job? Not at the moment.
Do you count as a grownup? My parents don't think so.
You're a grownup to me.
Here, have a piece of the canyon.
Are you sure it's okay? Hey, it only makes the canyon grander.
BOTH: Aah! Aah! Aah! I don't know where your son gets it, Marge.
I'm only going to say this once, but I think you're a little checked out.
(echoing): Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Checked out.
Well, your kids aren't exactly perfect.
Yay! We can improve.
Let's think about it quietly.
(groans) (sniffing) Boy, I bet that mustache smells really bad, huh? Oh, don't you rip on my lip strip.
(sniffs) I smell candles and-and pew polish.
We're near a church.
(sniffs) Catholic, if I don't miss my guess.
A little Popish for my taste, but I did come here for adventure.
Geez, Flanders, you find God in everything.
God is in everything.
He's omnipresent.
You mean, if I check into the Omni Hotel right now, he's there? As a matter of fact, he is.
Then, from now on, we're staying at the Hyatt Regency.
You're banned there, Dad.
Not as Hagwar Swanson.
(with Scandinavian accent): I love this country.
(shudders) Are you sure this is safe? Totally.
You're with State Farm, right? Where's our guide? Where's the trail? (squawking) (humming) Aw.
(shrieks) Big Maggie.
I'd like to hear the rest.
I still have my piece of the canyon.
(growls) Okay.
It was looking rough Oh, no bars.
You mean, on your phone? Hey, you're right.
Oh, more bad news.
Oh, most of the food was on the guide's mule.
I sure am glad somebody packed all this whitefish salad.
I'm willing to eat some.
And if I die, you know it's bad.
Homer, it's time for you and me to go out and get help.
Please be careful, Uncle Ned.
I will, Bart.
Please, please be careful.
Don't worry.
If you don't come back, I'll be so sad.
Excuse me? What about over here? Right.
(grunts) Please, please be careful.
(braying) Please.
Let's go, Flanders.
Oh, no.
The poor thing gets night terrors.
I forgot to say "God bless the mailman.
" He's not awake, but he's not asleep.
Do your kids get these? I will now that I know what they are.
Other kids say I'm in their nightmares.
I'm not your puppet, Bart.
I'm not.
(grunting) You ever seen stars this bright, Homer? Blessed is the beauty of our Lord.
(sighs) (gunshots) (clicking) Amen.
Listen, Flanders.
This trip has given me time to think.
If I die here, you're welcome to live in my carcass for warmth.
I'm not living in your carcass.
Oh, come on.
You make it sound like a bad thing.
Look, we're saved! We just go down there, get some food and help returning to civilization.
GUARD (over megaphone): Attention, people talking.
Unless you are here to dispose of our poop, we will start shooting in five minutes.
(dance music playing) (animals screeching) How is that even camping? It's easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to get into heaven.
Sometimes I just don't get it.
What I'm saying is, the eye of the needle is very small, and a camel No.
I mean down there-- they have everything we need to survive, but they won't share.
Maybe if I look through these binoculars one more time, I'll-I'll see something better.
(gasps) We've got to go in and steal what we need.
Well, thou shalt not steal.
But if I don't steal, that's coveting.
That's bad, too.
Look, Flanders, we tried things your way, and it failed.
Now let's try mine.
W-Wait! We never did things my way.
Too late.
(voice fading): I'm already rolling downhill.
Ow, sharp rock.
Ooh, cactus! (screams) More scorpions.
Is that all you can do? Sting? (yells) Now they're pinching.
(whispering): Easy, Flanders, don't make a sound.
Okay, here.
(Ned grunting) Come on, take this.
(both grunting) Oh, I got it.
Oh, it's heavy.
(brays) Ready to go.
(gunshots) Uh, we're too heavy.
Toss off what we don't need.
(grunting) (gunshot) Fine.
We can do without salad forks.
Whoo-hoo! No sugar tonight for the coffee No sugar tonight for their tea We took all their fancy cheeses And their tasty charcuterie (growls) Trout solo! Ba-da-ta-da-da-da-da-da-da Ba-da-ta-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Da-da-da-da-da-da-da Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Ba-da-da-da-da-da Ba-da-dee-doo-da-da.
Grand Canyon! Yeah! (air whooshing) You know, Homer, we make a good team.
Homer? HOMER: Breakfast time.
Come and get it! (echoing): Come and get it! Come and Ugh.
Not again.
Bacon! (munching) Bacon.
No, this was before Lisa was a vegetarian.
That's right.
I had the arteries of a 20-year-old.
I'm gonna miss you, pal.
(neighs) (chuckles) Well, Homer, you think this will be one of those vacations where the friendship we made will last forever or start eroding the minute we enter our cars? Flanders, like all friendships between men, in the end it's up to our wives.
NED: That was a nice story, Homer.
You know, sometimes I wish this (chuckles) grand canyon between us, uh, wasn't so large.
The offer still stands.
You can live in my carcass.
There's room in my legs for the boys.
Maybe we could just store old clothes in you.
I'd like that.
And you know what, Flanders? I think we owe you guys a trip.
Always wanted to visit the postcard museum.
Thank you.
My pleasure.
I wonder if they sell postcards in the gift shop.
We don't.
(Grofé's Grand Canyon Suite playing) @elderman Shh!
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