The Simpsons s27e20 Episode Script

To Courier With Love

1 MILHOUSE: Whee! Uh-oh! (exclaiming) The Simpsons 27x20 To Courier With Love (school bell ringing) (Barney belches) (whistle blows) (yells) (beeping) @elderman (playing the blues) (playing the blues) D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (fanfare plays) (dramatic music playing) Hey.
How ya doin' there? (both grunting) (murmuring angrily) (grunting furiously) (humming) (squawks) Ah.
(irritated murmurs) (gibbering) (reluctantly agreeing noise) Ook.
(grunting) Ow.
I brought fried chicken! Biscuit! First dibs! Homer, you have to do more.
Ook?! I'm getting tired of your ooks.
I can't do this alone.
Where's your chore list? Oh, I'm taking care of that! It's laminated.
And to make sure I do it Hmm? (groans) I've never seen this.
It must've been left by some previous owner.
Holy moly! A valuable antique car! This is the find of a lifetime! Oh, it's a stick.
(grunting) (engine starts) Dad, shouldn't we see who owns the car? Now, sweetie, according to the ancient law of trover, abandoned property passes to the subsequent landowner.
Man, ever since you watched Medieval Tomb Robbers on the History Channel, everything with you is trover, trover, trover.
Boy, either show me a writ of replevin or pipe down.
(tires screech) Chubby dude in a tiny car Making friends both near and far In this little town he's a shooting star That's a chubby dude In a tiny car From Shelbyville to Zanzibar It doesn't matter where you are There's not a thing that can com-par To a chubby dude in a tiny car.
Aw, the needle's on "E.
" Uh, I got something that works as gasoline.
(bell dinging) (honks jauntily) Daddy's home! Daddy's home! Hello, children.
For you, daughter, a little ragdoll.
For you, son, a Florida orange.
You know, there's something truly amazing about you, Dad.
Everything's an adventure.
You go to clean the garage and you find a classic car.
Yes, fortune favors the bald.
Now for the best part: sharing my great day with your mom.
(hums, spits) Well, if it isn't my favorite gal in my favorite room.
I'm glad you had a good day.
You don't sound glad.
I'm not glad.
But you said you were glad.
You need to read between the lines.
Why? There's just white space there.
(sighs deeply) (voice breaking): I'm sorry, Homie.
Your life is full of fun surprises.
My life sucks.
(sobbing) HOMER: Uh-oh.
Tissues? (sniffs) Oh Well, would it help if I rubbed your back? Huh? Eh? Uh? Your hands smell like steering wheel.
(sniffs) Hmm.
Poor Marge.
What do I do? Help me, universe! (doorbell rings) Jay Leno? Hiya! I was just passing in my 1973 Citroen DS Pallas when I saw that classic Morgan with the original wood dash interior.
Man, I-I'd like to buy it.
You'll have to pay cash with no questions asked.
How much you want? I said no questions! Don't worry, this car is a piece of art, going where it will be admired.
To my secret underground car depository! (groaning) (sighs) It's time for me to do what I do best: prolong this marriage.
You wanted a good surprise, Marge? You've got it.
We are going on the trip of our lives.
Really? Where? (doorbell rings) I'll be right back.
Let your imagination run wild.
Hey, Homer.
And you are? Jay Leno.
Hey, do you still have that money I gave you for the car? Sure do.
Well, uh, I'm gonna need it back.
But I just promised my wife Homer, I've collected hundreds of antique cars on the theory that they don't make 'em like they used to.
Well, I just bought this new Toyota.
Turns out it's much better.
I can go to the store and make it all the way back, it doesn't break down once.
Imagine that? Geez.
Here's your money back.
Can I have my car? Unfortunately, when I went to register it, it wasn't your car.
So the-the police took it.
Chubby cop in a tiny car Going to the nearest cop bar Well, see ya.
(car lock beeps) Unbelievable! It opens from here.
(laughs) The age we live in! I've decided where I want to go.
Um, ooh, the trolley at the mall? No, Paris! The most romantic city in the world.
(groans) Paris? What am I gonna do? (beeps) A travel agent! Oh, thank God you're not obsolete yet.
And a good morning to you, sir.
Here's the problem.
I've disappointed my wife so many times, I can't do it once more.
I see.
So I have to take her and our three kids to Paris.
But here's the challenge: I have no money.
Uh, let me see what I can do.
Anything coming up? No, it's not plugged in.
The noise helps me think.
All right.
There is a way but it is a tad risky.
Would you consider being a casual courier? You mean not like the fancy guys that ride the bicycles Let me explain.
The mob-- I mean, the courier company-- will pay airfare and hotel, and all you have to do is deliver a package.
But you cannot look inside the package.
For Marge, I will make the supreme sacrifice of not doing something.
(humming) That's the "package.
" What package? The package you're delivering.
And the clients have asked me once more to remind you not to look inside.
Hey, buddy, I didn't start doing this yesterday! I started doing it right now.
Uh the package? Hmm.
Paris! I can't believe it! Homer Simpson, just when I think you have nothing left to offer, you whisk me to the birthplace of existentialism.
Now, if you'll excuse me, it's an 11-hour flight and I have to visit the "Louvre.
" (chuckles) (humming) (annoyed chatter) MAN: Can't see the movie now.
HOMER: Everything's great.
Absolutely great.
Yet, there's something in that briefcase and it could get us in trouble.
My mind's running wild.
And you're not supposed to run on an airplane.
Oh, that's it, I have to open the briefcase.
(short scream) Oh, what a cute, blue sna (muffled grunts) (hyperventilating) HOMER: Okay, first thing, I've gotta figure out if it can breathe in there.
D'oh! Hmm.
Better try the other eye.
D'oh! Okay, maybe the first eye again.
What the? I found it.
It's an Amazon Blue Constrictor.
Ooh, it's a very rare and endangered species.
Oh, the trip of a lifetime.
(sighs) (whispering): I can't break her heart.
(whispering): Well, you can't let anything bad happen to that snake.
I promise.
And you have to promise to preserve another endangered species my marriage.
I promise.
Oh, for the first time, a snake has ruined paradise.
I'll get the luggage.
Marge, you and the kids grab a cab.
A Parisian cab.
(French accent): Taxi.
(giggles) Taxi.
Are you casual courier Homer Simpson? I am.
Here is your money.
I've been here for two minutes.
Listen, what's gonna happen to, uh, the package? Oh, it will have a fine home.
A wonderful home.
As the belt around the waist of a well-dressed woman.
I am not gonna let you hurt that snake! You have to say "Lisa, catch" before you throw it.
Come on.
(grunts) Where did they go? Maybe we shouldn't have stopped for that seven-course meal.
Oh, maybe we should just have six, like peasants! So, back home we call this the tire fire.
Man, look at those gargoyles.
That's from back when religions still knew how to scare the crap out of you.
Homie, I have to ask.
Why are you carrying that briefcase? I just brought a little work.
You don't even bring your work to work.
(grunts) I'm sorry.
I just want this family to have one trip that's great.
Not like Australia or Brazil, Japan, London, China, that World's Fair Bart drove to, that place with the underground jockeys So, Dad, what are you gonna do with the snake? Itchy and Scratchy Land, outer space Lisa, I've come to understand a snake's natural habitat is not a briefcase.
So I'm going to set him free.
Oh, may I suggest the gardens of the Louvre? They're filled with delicious rats.
(gasps) (whoops) It's a shame Lisa and your father had that errand and couldn't join us.
But on the upside More pâté please! Vraiment? You want more pâté? Yes, before my cruelty- free daughter shows up.
Perhaps madam would like to order from our extra cruelty menu.
We have a coq Au vin made from an old rooster who was kicked to death in front of his wife and children.
Very nice.
On second thought, I'll just have a salad.
Ah, très bien.
Gilles, gouge the eyes out of some new potatoes! Ugh, I can't stand to look at this anymore.
Bart, can you ditch this in the alley for me? (clamoring) Hmm.
Starving models.
Well, Bart Simpson never met a beautiful woman he couldn't prank.
Dad, I love being on a caper in France with you.
Well, this is gonna be a snap.
All we need is to get our tickets from this automatic French ticket dispenser.
(grunting) (female voice speaking French) Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up! FEMALE VOICE: Votre billet.
Dad, you just bought a ticket to Argenteuil.
Prochain client, s'il vous plaît.
Stop speaking French, damn you! MALE VOICE (speaking German): Die Maschine nicht zu schlagen! Yes, sir.
(upbeat runway music plays) Here, skinny, skinny.
Here, skinny, skinny.
(models grunting) BART: I've never been happier.
Okay, you're free.
Now, remember to respect this ecosystem.
Come on, go.
You'll be a snake that lives in Paris.
It's a children's book that writes itself.
UGOLIN: Not so fast! (gasps) How did you find us? All tourists come to the Louvre.
Hey, it's got great paintings.
Oh, yeah? Name two.
Uh uh Uh Don't patronize us! You make belts from snakes.
We treat our high fashion animals in the most humane manner.
(gasps) You're monsters.
True, but that is just a part of who we are.
We are also poets.
Experts on mustard.
They're gone! If we want to be criminals, we should keep a better eye on people.
It's really not that hard.
Do not worry.
There is one surefire way to find the Americans.
Marco! HOMER (far off): Polo! I say, "Marco!" HOMER (closer): Polo! LISA: Dad, control yourself.
HOMER: I got it.
Marco! HOMER: Polo! Oh, he tricked me.
(fading): Marco! Marco! Marco! Marco! Polo! Now what are we gonna do with the snake? We'll just have to keep him with us.
(gasps) What is it, Lisa? Do you see a Burger King? We're at rue des Lombards, home of the three most famous jazz clubs in Paris.
What do you think, Dad? Just pull the rope, please.
(playing jazz) How old are you? Eight.
Très bien.
We need a doctor! And someone who can play saxophone! Oh, which is which?! I'll show you.
LISA: I've never been happier.
(sighs) (sighs) (sighs) (sighs) Plastered in Paris.
There's no better feeling.
(sighing) Marge, there's something I need to tell you.
That briefcase.
I knew it was trouble.
Yes, this is my Battle of Essling.
Unless Napoleon had a more famous defeat I'm not aware of.
(gasps) I've been smuggling this snake this whole trip.
But it was the only way I could pay for it, and you wanted to go so badly.
And besides, those French crooks couldn't catch anybody.
There they are! No, no bridge! We'll have to board a Bateau Mouche.
A little champagne, some dancing, and then (groans) They're gone again! This joie de vivre is killing us.
HOMER: Man, I never thought I'd be so glad to get back to our own arrondissement.
(French accent): Ooh-la-la-la-la.
You have despoiled our supermodels, let an American perform with a French combo, and stolen these poor gentlemen's snake.
Well, I guess this is the point that comes in every vacation where I say run! Run! (sighs) Okay, don't run.
Better cuff this one.
No snake! What's on the desk? Just a few dozen urgent messages from someone called "Grampa.
" This one says the cat is eating his toast.
I have no time for cats and toast.
Search the room.
We have searched their room from armoire to bidet.
Eh, no snake.
Maybe we were wrong about you.
Let's see if the police dogs can do anything.
(yipping) I keep telling you they're worthless.
But they're so damn cute.
(yipping) All right, Simpsons, I apologize.
As for you, set the dogs on them.
(yipping) Prepare to have your ankles nipped! (yipping) I just want to say that before we came, our family was falling apart like your European Union.
But just a few days in your wonderful country, and now we're better than ever.
All is forgiven, my friends.
Enjoy la douce France.
And now something we should have done the moment we met you.
Come on, you guys kiss like grandmas.
Get in there.
I don't know how we did it, but we finally lucked into a great vacation.
In Paris, a lady makes her own luck.
Now my favorite part of each trip.
The gifts I brought back for my friends.
For Carl, a French Coca-Cola.
Ah, très chic.
For Lenny, a miniature Empire State Building.
We had a layover in New York.
And for Moe, a belt made out of a blue snake.
Artificial, I think.
Thank you.
@elderman Shh!
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