The Simpsons s28e12 Episode Script
The Great Phatsby (Part One & Two)
1 (women vocalizing) HOMER: In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice.
He said, "The laziest way to tell a story is through voice-over narration.
" With that in mind, I tell the tale of the tragic collision between the last tycoon of the Jazz Age and the king of a hip-hop empire.
It began with an old man feeling like his best years had passed him by.
(sighs) You seem glum, sir.
How about a blood transfusion? We have some new small batch, single donor plasmas.
Mmm.
Better make it a double.
My life used to be so lively, so full of excitement.
WOMEN: Monty! Such shindigs I threw at my summer estate.
In an age of shameful excess, my parties were legendary for their magnificent excess.
Fortunes were won and lost at my tables.
Affairs were launched on my dance floor and consummated on my floor-floor.
Sultans mingled with Sultans of Swat.
MAN: Monty! (cheering) And presiding over it all was me, Monogram Monty Burns.
(groans) Well what if we throw a classic shindig at your old summer place? Why, yes.
A beachside bacchanal just like the Roaring Twenties.
That'll put the Cole back in my Porter.
What fun.
Now, I have 45 close friends who are all pretty amazing party planners.
I'm not squandering money on some chap to bring in a photo booth.
I'll take care of every detail myself.
Everything, sir? Oh, fine.
You can fetch the ice.
Okay.
How many bags? Oh, no.
None of those pricey store-bought cubes.
Now, you head up to Northern Canada and get me a quarter ton of lake ice.
Hand-sawn and tong-carried.
Risk my life in the arctic wilderness just to bring you some ice.
It would be an honor.
Would you like it packed in cedar sawdust or Spanish oak? Oh, who cares? Ice is ice.
It says Mega Stuf on the package, but these are Double Stuf at best.
(licking) What? Send me a free tub of Stuf and I'll shut down my Web site.
Mmm.
Simpson, you seem fairly popular, at least based on the cheers you got at employee karaoke night.
It's not me, it's "Mustang Sally.
" Mr.
Burns is throwing a little party, and most of his invitees are either dead or fictional.
Uh, to, uh, well, fill out the crowd, uh, perhaps you could, uh, distribute these invitations to your more, uh, presentable friends.
I know just who to invite.
- You're not invited.
- To what? None of your business! All right.
MARGE: "Your esteemed presence is requested "for an evening of madcap magic and mischief at Monty Burns' Middle Hampton estate.
" The card stock is so thick.
Bart, get in here and feel this stock.
Oh, man, that's heavy.
The Springfield Hamptons? That's on Lengthy Island, where rich people hang out on summer weekends.
I know all about it from cartoons in literary magazines.
HOMER: I'm not reading all that.
Well, now to select the perfect guest list of our city's sharpest wits and glittering socialites.
(car alarms blaring, Homer whistling) Boy oh boy, a '20s shindig at Old Man Burnsie's.
Probably gonna be bathtubs full of shrimp and Jacuzzis full of brisket.
Maybe I'll meet a rich bachelor who will sweep me off my feet.
- How do I smell? - (sniffs) Like a wood fire put out by dumping coffee on it.
Oh! Perfect.
Hey, everyone, hey! I'm off-duty, so please don't feel weird doing drugs in front of me.
Uh, or with me.
(chuckles) I became a cop too young.
I never lived.
I didn't live.
HOMER: And so I entered a world of wealth.
Where mansions are called "cottages.
" And getting drunk on a boat is called "sailing.
" (all gasping) HOMER: Get ready for fancy.
(indistinct chatter) I don't see any magic.
And not a hint of mischief.
Off-brand Ritz cracker? Salt pile? Nothing in a blanket? Dad, did Mr.
Burns cheap out? That's impossible.
He's the richest man in town.
If I had known this was a cash bar, I would've gotten wasted beforehand! At my sister's house! (fanfare plays) Welcome, honored guests.
Leave your inhibitions at the door.
And write your name on your drink cup, you will not receive a second.
(muttering) Now, dance the night away on my vintage 1920s parquet floor.
The cleaning of which is not cheap, so be sure to don your protective booties.
(Moe grunting) SKINNER: Look, Mr.
Burns, nobody loves a party with rules more than I do.
Even I'm baffled by the toilet payment system.
Oh, it's simple, bring the chit from the applicable restroom to the purser You might've been fun a hundred years ago, Burnsie, but now you're a cheap, old lamewad.
And trust me, I know cheap.
That's right, I bought a suit, Xeroxed it, returned it, and wore the copy.
(grunts) (guests groaning) - Waste of my time.
- Why is everyone leaving? Of course, no ice.
Mm, that lazy Smithers is probably sipping hot buttered rum in a ski chalet overlooking Lake Louise.
(grunting frantically) (growls) Ah.
Uh-oh.
Aw.
(growls) - (brays) - (Smithers screams) (crying) Hey, Mr.
Burns, fun party.
No one felt any pressure to talk or laugh or stay past 7:30.
Super chill.
Oh, hush.
I'm a worn-out old miser who's forgotten the meaning of fun.
(gasps) Great Gatsby! What is that? (music and indistinct chatter in distance) Someone else is having a party across the bay.
(chuckles) Once I would've thought nothing of rowing across the water and crashing that party.
All doors would open for Monogram Monty.
That was a long time ago.
Aw, I'll row you over.
How hard could it be? (Homer gasping for air) Oh, so hard.
Would it help if I whipped you? Maybe.
Yeah, a little.
Yeah, yeah.
(grunting) Yeah.
(grunting) Whoa, it's a white party.
Just the kind I used to throw.
Although we interpreted the theme a bit differently in those days.
Aah! Got a whole lot of money, got a whole lot of money Mm, whoever is throwing this magnificent to-do knows how to enjoy their wealth.
Got a whole lot of money Ooh, excessive.
Tell me, where can I find our host? I haven't met him.
No one has ever met him.
He doesn't exist.
Oh, he's upstairs in his office.
Ooh.
Are you the host of this incredible soiree? I must tell you, it's the most incandescent, most dazzling My name is Jay G.
And nobody crashes my party.
Not even you nobodies.
(guns cock, Homer and Burns gasp) Let's go, Mr.
Burns.
What did you say? Mr.
Burns and I were just leaving.
Are you Montgomery Burns, the despised billionaire? Well, that's what my cuff links say.
There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time, you ruthless monster.
(whimpers) - I love you.
- (gasps) I can't believe I'm meeting the Monty Burns.
How do you know me? You're the dude who wrote The Rungs of Ruthlessness.
(chuckles) Yes, back then they'd give a book contract to any CEO with a power tie and a bonsai tree.
When I was a boy, I found a copy left on the seat of a bus I stole.
And after I read it, I knew I'd jacked my last courtesy shuttle.
Your book became my bible.
"Every empire needs an emblem.
" See? There you told me to find a symbol to represent my brand.
And there he is, the living logo of Golden Goose Records, - Goosius.
- (honks) You make me believe I can fly.
Goosius is on everything from my cognac-flavored vodka to the brake pads I coproduced with Lil Wayne.
Aw, he eats the same way I do, without swallowing.
You've flown south for the winter with my heart.
- (honks) - Ow! I hope this bite never heals.
When I wrote an advice book, I never dreamed it would help anyone.
Everything I am I owe to you.
And a little bit to Baz Luhrmann.
When I was born, our cupboards were barren Now I'm inside of a blue McLaren Blue McLaren? They all be starin' 'cause He's a hip-hop Vanderbilt I'm so established - My life is fabulous - Sugar trust.
This.
This is what I thought I'd never have again.
Well, then good news, Monty.
This is your party.
HOMER: And so was forged the most unlikely of friendships.
A man who discovered Rick Ross and a man who dated Betsy Ross.
The next day, my family explored Middle Hampton.
A wonderland of boutiques paid for by rich husbands wanting to keep their wives busy.
Mainly second wives.
WOMEN: Hampton, ah, Hampton.
What kind of crazy flavors are these? Quince jelly and pepper? Market greens? Bone broth brittle? I don't know what this place hates more, kids or ice cream.
Really, man, a 3 Series? I mean, what is he? A sophomore at Exeter? Yeah, one cup of salted caramel.
Woo-woo-woo, scoop with the stripe, stupid.
(chuckling): I mean That kid just cut in line.
Are you gonna let him do that? That's Blake Black.
His dad runs BlackLake Investments.
So? Richest dad rules? Everyone knows that.
Well, I don't.
Don't misunderstand me, Mats Wilander may have been a decent player, but until his inglés gets just a little bit better, he can coach somebody else.
Pardon me a second.
What is it, head points, what? Just because your father has money doesn't mean you can cut.
Hmm, it kind of looks like it does.
All right, I'll tell you what: because I am a nice guy, I am going to pay for everyone's cones.
Is that okay? Does that make it okay? - Yeah! - Yes! No! I would never accept ice cream from someone whose manners are in the bottom one percent! (gasping) Boom.
So, hey, hi.
Are you going to the Allens' hot-dog-and-horseshoes thing later? No.
The Forstmans' firefly thing? No.
The Olins' jellyfish fry thing? I'm not going to any things at all! But I want to, um, hang out.
What? Why? I've never met anyone like you before.
Anyone with, you know, I don't know, um, morals.
Oh.
(giggles) Well, I guess it is a little judgy of me to be completely disgusted by you.
Great, I'll set something up.
Erin, are you on? Okay, I need to bail on the Kravises' freeze tag thing.
No, I know, I have to.
Send the big basket.
What's wrong, honey? Lisa's got a rich boyfriend, Dad's hanging out with a hip-hop super producer, and I'm stuck window-shopping with you two fun-sucking stink buckets.
It's not fair! Life's not fair, kid.
Do I know you? If life was fair, you would know me.
But know this: Jay G ain't all that.
What do you mean? Buy a candle and I'll tell you.
What's your cheapest one? $55.
No way.
I could start a fire in the woods for nothing.
HOMER: So Bart met someone who I think comes back later.
I forget why.
Hmm.
Who would have thought two billionaire Republicans from such different backgrounds could end up as chums? Is not green a more powerful color than black or white? The Lord picks a select few to accumulate more money than anyone else.
You and I bear that sacred avarice.
Each of my enterprises has its own G6.
What's that one? That's for my (chuckles) personal horticulturalist.
(chuckling): You know what I'm sayin'? I don't.
You seem to get so much joy out of your money.
I envy you.
You've given me so much, Monty.
Let me give you something back: the freedom to live large.
A charge plate? I've never had one of those newfangled swipe-a-ma-jigs.
It's an Obsidian Card, the most exclusive.
No spending limit, no store has ever heard of it.
But they have to accept it.
Take it if you want to roll like G.
Don't forget to sign it.
Oh, right.
No, no, not a felt-tip.
Oh! It'll smudge.
Okay, quick, blow on it to dry the ink.
(both blowing) Blake, I have to say, this whale watch was a very thoughtful idea.
(gasps) Oh, it's a whole family.
But they're so far away.
Far? Babe, when you whale watch with me, you sit pod-side.
Fellas! What can we do here? This way, the whales know we are VIPs.
Um, where's the baby? There's supposed to be a baby.
I paid for a calf.
Does that mean anything? Whale-copters? VIP pod-view? This is awful! Well, if we went on some lame econo-watch, we might not see blowhole one.
I mean, what are you saying? Are you hearing yourself? Blake, I really believed you could change.
And you did, you became even more horrible.
(singing) (grunts) These aren't VIP emotions.
This is worse than the time I had to eat grocery store sushi.
The shiso leaf was plastic! (crying): It was plastic! JAY: You got to buy it, M.
B.
, it's fate.
Oh, I don't know.
$100,000 feels like a lot of money.
You've got to splash the cash, fling the bling, spill them bills.
It don't matter, just splatter the batter.
Splash the cash.
(grunting) Monogram Monty is back! I got a whole lot of money A whole lot of money - What you want? - A whole lot of money - I got - A who-whole lot of money - (honks) - How much? A whole lot of money Whole lot - What's up? - Over here - What's up? - Over there (bell clangs) (hoofbeats) I got a whole lot of money A whole lot of money - What you want? - A whole lot of money I got it (honking) When the night come on I already know what time it is She gon' drop.
Now, what are you generous folks willing to pay for a basketball lesson with Charles Barkley? $10,000.
$20,000.
$30,000.
Do I hear $50,000? $1 million.
(whoops) M.
B.
, if you could only feel what I feel right now $1 million, going once, going twice $10 million! (crowd gasps) Sold! I just spent more money than I know on something I don't even want.
And it's the greatest feeling I've ever had! (grunts weakly) Still better than Shaq.
Mr.
Burns was living the highlight.
splurging on every luxury, even the ultimate indulgence useless hangers-on like me.
Noice.
To think, all the years I wasted without a posse.
Good-bye, loneliness.
We get all this stuff just for letting Mr.
Burns beat us in mini golf.
(chuckling): What a deal! My whole job is to not make eye contact with him.
I thought I'd get tired of window-shopping in this fancy little town, but it ain't happening.
A chessboard where the pieces are lipsticks! (gasps) (groans) (gasps) A horse show! (gasps) A protest! Huh? Blake, is that you? What happened to your privilege? I checked it.
(gasps) Lisa, when you rejected me, I knew I had to do whatever it took to become worthy of you.
This now runs on solar power and falafel.
Now, that's sustainable! I've dedicated my entire allowance to Trustafarians for Horse Justice.
Here's an upside down bucket for you to drum on.
Well, what girl could say no to a socially conscious drum circle? Yo, lamp dress, I've got all access paddock passes to the horse show.
Check out these sweet mane combs.
I can get you up close to the horses for primo grooming time.
ALL: Combing is murder! Combing is murder! Primo grooming time.
HOMER: The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
Horsey, horsey, horsey, horsey, horsey! For her, I gave up what meant most to me: being a douche.
Mr.
Burns, your bill came from the Obsidian Card.
Are you sure you're not spending too much money? Hush, you sound like Smithers.
Where is that loafer with my ice? (Smithers grunting, ringtone playing) (ringing stops) (groaning) - (horn honks) - Fill her up! And make it snappy.
My best pal and I are going shopping for those yachts that have little submarines in them.
Sir, your card was declined.
(laughs) Goulash! Absolute goulash! It's linked to my bank account.
I'd have to be penniless before that card didn't work.
Well, then that means you're broke.
Broke? (chuckles anxiously) Me? Broke? Me? Yes, I'm afraid I have to destroy your card.
Good luck.
It's tempered titanium and coated with powdered diamond.
I ain't got no money I ain't got no money.
MOE: Don't take it.
This car leased in someone else's name is who I am! My entire fortune, spent and gone.
I splashed all my cash.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
It was your first credit card.
And I handled it as well as a freshman at Michigan State! Mr.
Burns, I think Jay wanted you to bankrupt yourself.
Why would you say such a thing? It's number one on the charts.
Used to be the man, Burns Now you just a bad joke Used to be about to die Now you only dead broke I gave you the card, Burns And you spent your mind out It was all a trap, yo As you 'bout to find out Jay G is CEO of Obsidian! - Biotch! - (honks) Now your bank account is withering Your bottom lip is quivering You're Hufflepuff, I'm Slytherin There's no one doin' your Smitherin' This is where your money went Evict you from the one percent Now watch me as my fingers tent 'Cause I own you, it is excellent Excellent You're broke now Your cash was your passion Now Jay owns your ass, son.
(honks) If these rhymes are to be believed, Jay lured me into debt and now he owns everything.
Even my beloved nuclear plant.
Our magical friendship was a sham! HOMER: The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they're watching their whole world fall apart.
And all they can do is stare blankly.
Oh, no, wait, he's crying now.
That's worse.
Now he's really sobbing heavy.
Oh, now he's gone to his knees and he ripped his shirt open.
All of his buttons fell off of his shirt.
Oh, now he's kicking his porch.
Oh, he hurt his foot and he's hopping around.
Oh, he tripped over a dog.
(sobs) That's way worse.
Montgomery Burns had hit rock-bottom.
F.
Scott Fitzgerald onde wrote: "There are no second acts in American lives.
" But he never said anything about second parts in American TV shows.
I should've seen it all coming.
My eyes were clouded by the cataracts of excess.
And by an excess of cataracts.
Wait.
What happened to my posse? Don't you worry.
A posse's loyalty is forever.
Hey, Burnsie, I didn't get any brand-new sneakers today.
I can't be wearing two-day-old sneakers.
Hey, if there's no more money, we'll take our personalized bowling balls, fold-up bicycles, and go.
(bicycles squeaking) (sighs) I'm here for my hounds.
(growling) Huh! Preposterous.
I raised those hounds from pups.
I'm the only master they've ever known.
One word from me and they'll rip you apart.
Commence ripping! (snarling) (sniffing) (chuckles) Dogs can smell power.
Sign this release legally releasing the hounds.
If you don't, Mr.
Jay G will release the hounds.
Jay, I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.
We were going to open up a money-losing winery together.
We can still hang out.
Even though our owners are fighting.
(honks) Not being bitten (cries) hurts the most.
(sighs) Everyone's gone.
Even Smithers never bothered to return from Canada with my lake ice.
(alarm ringtone plays) (grunting) (cracking) Good Simpson.
Faithful Simpson.
You would never go back to the nuclear plant that was so cruelly taken from me.
What does your heart say? HOMER: I looked deep into my heart, and it said Uh let me ask my wife.
I don't care if Mr.
Burns doesn't own the nuclear plant anymore.
You still have to work there.
You have a wife, a family, and a store to support.
You're right, you're right.
Wait.
A store? I have a store.
How did that happen? Well, you spend enough time in the Hamptons and you have any flair at all, you just wind up with a store.
WOMEN: What could possibly go wrong with retail? Where should we put the 19th century doctor's kits? Ooh, ooh! In the window next to the state-shaped erasers.
But I feel bad leaving Mr.
Burns.
I'm all he's got.
Can't we live off the money from your store? Oh, God, no! Right now I'm still building inventory.
Luckily, the pincushion store across the street went out of business.
I just swooped right in and bought up everything.
Okay.
HOMER: With my dear wife losing her marbles, I had to turn my back on poor, broken Burns and go to work at, well, the sexiest nuclear plant on Earth.
Radioactive R-R-R-Radioactive Homer Simpson? Boss wants to see you.
- Booty like a power plant - WOMAN: Hey, baby.
You're blowin' up my pants, I like the way you dance JAY: Mixtape coming soon, ladies.
J-J-J-Jay's got the power! (music continues in distance) "Rung six.
To ensure an employee's loyalty, you must crush their attachments to the past.
" - (honks) - (knocking on door) You wanted to see me, Mr.
G? Relax, Homer, we're good.
When you entered my gates, I knew you'd turn your back on Old Man Burns.
And I respect that.
Yeah.
I ditched him, all right.
In his hour of need.
But I feel good about it.
Really good.
(honking) Ow! Ow! Oh I missed that.
Because I know you're so loyal to me, I have a very special job for you.
Removing the last trace of Monty Burns from the power plant he loves.
(whimpers) (grunts) Don't look at me.
Stop looking at me! (grunts) You did good.
Here's your reward.
(gasps) Cobbler.
I've got a granny in Atlanta who custom bakes them just for me.
Peach, berry, cherry, rhubarb, pineapple.
You can't cobbler pineapple.
Yet here it is.
(crying) Homie, what's wrong? (crying): I've never seen such beautiful cobbler.
But there was a hole in me that even a thousand pans of hot fruit couldn't fill.
I had betrayed Mr.
Burns and felt sick about it.
Searching for an open grave in which to barf, I heard a horrible sound, which I was strangely drawn towards.
BURNS (coughing): After the ball is over After the break of dawn After the dancers' leaving After the stars are gone.
Mr.
Burns, what are you doing in this death hole? All I have left is my family mausoleum.
Would you like a sip of grief soup? I stewed it from flowers left on graves.
I confess, I went back to work at the plant.
Jay G seduced me with cobbler.
But after the eighth pan, it tasted like ashes.
Ice cream got me through three more pans, but after that, ashes.
Well, now you have to decide, once and for all, where your allegiance lies.
I'm not going back to that job.
I'm gonna stay here with you and we're going to get even with Jay G.
And as God is my witness, I will not tell my wife what I'm up to.
Oh, that's good.
Come on, Simpson.
Give me more ideas to get back at Jay G.
- Fill his office with balloons? - Too soft.
Fill his office with scorpions? Eh, I'm having a fight with my scorpion guy.
Oh, oh, oh.
Banana in his tailpipe.
I can't afford a banana! (twig snaps) What's that? A spy! Grab him.
Come here, spy.
What are you doing here, boy? You're not dead.
Are you? I followed you.
I got suspicious when you came home last night covered in grave dirt.
Be gone, urchin.
We have work to do.
Wait, wait! He can help.
No one's better at nasty schemes than this kid.
I mean, he's messed up.
Look at him.
You got to figure his family life's a disaster.
Why should I help Burns now that he's broke? I've got more money than he does.
Would the cape and gloves of the infamous Gaslight Strangler change your mind? If you want to take down a rapper, you got to destroy the thing that's most important to him: his rep.
(whispering): Rep means reputation.
To do that, we got to go to the ultimate expert on urban culture.
A white nerd.
So, in South Central Springfield in the '90s, there were four major hip-hop sub-scenes.
The Good Time Mafia, Licorice Avenue, The Dirty, Dirty North, and The FLTA.
The Fine Ladies Thug Army.
Fascinating.
Yes, yes.
But do you have anything we can use against my sworn enemy, Jay G? Before he was Jay G, he was Jeremy Gilroy, a founding member of The Five Boyfriends, a soulful R&B quintet.
Hey, I know this guy.
He tried to sell me a $55 candle! That's Jazzy James, the Lyrical Miracle.
He wrote all of Jay's early hits.
But they had a falling out, and he was never heard from again.
Then only one man can write the rap that will ruin the rep of Jay G.
Jazzy James.
HOMER: I told you this guy would come back.
Told you.
Yeah, I used to be Jazzy James.
The Lyrical Miracle? My skills were empirical.
I wrote all the rhymes for Jay G's first hip-hop record.
I didn't get a dime, because I signed over all the rights.
Why'd you do that? (groans) All right, all right.
I'll sign! He took my money, stole my girl, made me get a tattoo of the baseball from Major League.
It broke me.
I fell hard, into scented candles.
(inhales deeply) (exhales) Quince.
Listen, Jazzy.
We're gonna tear down Jay G with the ultimate revenge rap.
And you're gonna write it.
Oh (grunts) (glass shatters) I'm in.
Excellent.
What is rap? Hmm? Hmm.
Quick, boy! Hide this thing.
(Bart grunting) Homie, it's so sweet of you to come visit me at my store.
But aren't you gonna get in trouble for missing work? You let me worry about the nuclear plant.
The important thing for you to do is believe I still work there.
I can't wait to show you the changes I've made.
We're getting a lot of foot traffic.
Three people used the bathroom yesterday.
How much should I charge for these handbags made from the speaker covers of old jukeboxes? Five dollars.
No, no, no, no, no.
A hundred dollars! (gasps) It's happening.
It's happening.
I love my store! We're putting up new wallpaper.
(grunting) Is Mom gonna be okay? I don't know, son, I don't know.
MAN: Oh, it's not her, fellas.
It's the curse of the adorable little store.
Didn't always used to be like this.
No, no.
Once, this land was full of actual stores, as far as the eye could see.
Then the rich people came.
They didn't need to make money, they just needed a place for their friends to wander into, after spin class.
Yeah, that's progress for you.
I suppose.
HOMER: And so, with Jazzy James on board, Mr.
Burns set out to produce the ultimate revenge rap.
(hip-hop beat begins playing) Uh, listen up, suckers I'm-a say how I feel My dealings with Jay G have been less than ideal.
I (sighs) It's It's no use.
I've lost it.
I need you to rap like your world is ending.
Like you just found out that capital gains are going to be taxed at the same rate as ordinary income.
I need you to put your entire soul into it.
Now rhyme, Jazzy, rhyme! I got nothin'.
Just take me back to my candles.
I need my quince! Wait, I have another idea.
I'm feelin' it! (laughs) I'm feelin' it! Now, almost drop me.
(whoops) Why does this work? Jay, you're a rhyme thief A hip-hop perjurer If my words were beef patties You'd be the Hamburglar My beats are the freshest My beats are the freshest You reached out and stole 'em Like Gollum did precious Time for the truth to be paid off You're a lyrical Madoff So if you want to go to war, brah Hit me up and I'll write the rap for ya.
Yeah! Whoa, it rhymed! (laughs) Now that's what I call a corking revenge rap.
If anyone's hungry, we've set up a deli platter in the lobby.
I'm hungry! For gettin' what's mine.
Oh.
Ain't no deli platter ordered for a recording session that Praline doesn't hear about.
Mm-mm.
Praline? She's Jay G's ex-wife.
I thought you were in prison.
That's what the guards said, but I wasn't having that.
Oh, we duckin' now? So that's how it is? (chuckles) I see.
Oh, no, he didn't.
No, he did not.
- Shut up, Miata.
- Oh.
Put that rare roast beef in a baggie.
Mm-hmm, that one.
So, Praline, are you with us or against us? Jay G took everything from me.
You best believe I'm going to take everything from him.
Get the ham! We're really glad to have you.
Thanks for your help.
Who you thankin'? I'm not doing this for you, boo boo kitty.
HOMER: With an angry ex-wife on our team, we were unstoppable.
Praline brought in an all-star lineup of Jay G's enemies to lend their hatred to the world's greatest diss rap.
RZA, Snoop and Common.
Yo, I want to back-smack Jay G, son He took that name Tang Clan from me And since there couldn't be two I had to change my Tang Clan to Wu I seen Jay G pimp, lie and rob Took my handyman off a job And when I complained All he did was laugh Now I got half a gazebo, and not even the good half I would never wish hate on my brother 'Cause we're all from the same celestial mother Wait, I just remembered Jay crashed my Jet Ski.
I hope he get food poisoning from nachos.
Peace! Yo, Common, that was tight.
Respect, 'House.
Oh, when this track drops, some feelings gonna get hurt.
Obliverated.
Indeed.
I just wish Smithers and his ice were here to witness my revenge.
MEN (French Canadian accents): Fight, fight, fight.
(men shouting) (growls) (grunts) (all gasping) (hip-hop playing) BURNS: Prepare for the turning of the worms.
No offense, worms.
I now drop "Choke on Diss," aka "Rhyme Crime," by Hate Squad, featuring the Rhyme Crime All-Stars.
Why isn't it dropping? Release the sounds! (honks) - (all gasping) - Damn! Sorry to crash your party as a hologram, M.
B.
, but I'm having a little celebration of my own.
I just bought the master recording of your so-called diss rap.
Ha, no way.
Jazzy James and Hate Squad, featuring the Rhyme Crime All-Stars hate you! They'd never sell out.
They would for money! Sorry, Monty.
Jay G is the best producer in the world and you're a tone-deaf pauper who lives in a grave.
Ouch.
I thought I hated him, but now I don't.
So now I'm here.
If you can't handle a strong female hologram, that's on you.
Jay G and D-O-double-G.
We flipped the script.
This ultimate betrayal is part of your spiritual journey.
Lesson one: protect your neck.
Say good-bye to your revenge rap forever.
'Cause it's about to drop.
(gulps, honks) Mmm.
(kisses) Party at the power plant, y'all.
I swear on the squid beak of Lord Cthulhu and all his briny shoggoths, I will get revenge on you, Jay G.
HOMER: And so Mr.
Burns beat on, fists against the hologram, punching back ceaselessly into his own face.
Which new name do you like better? Next Doorables (gasps) or the Lavender Zeppelin? I just don't know anymore.
(door opens, bell rings) (gasps) A customer! Oh, it's you.
Baby, I'm sorry.
I stayed loyal to Mr.
Burns, coproduced a failed revenge rap, and now we've got nothing.
(gasps) I know it's crazy, but he needed me.
Oh, it's okay, Homie.
You're not mad? Your heart told you to stick with Mr.
Burns, and the thing I love about you most is you've got a heart as big as The Ritz.
Wow, Mom, you just made an F.
Scott Fitzgerald reference.
Lisa, please, I did graduate high school.
(sighs) I've just hatched a plan for the most delicious revenge.
Simpson, we must away.
Did you want to buy that? Just looking.
We can't afford the store anymore! Oh, thank God.
Ha! I'm free! (grunts) Well, before long, another aimless soul will open another adorable store here.
And when they do, Old Sam the Sign Hanger will be ready, with his level and his ladder.
Oh, why, here comes one now.
Oh, honey, isn't it darling? - Huh? - (laughs) We finally found the Bookmark Barn.
- (cackling) - Oh, this is Wicker Works.
We're gonna sell so many Yorkie sweaters.
We can use the contractor that did Karen's store.
HOMER: Mr.
Burns' plan was so horrifying, I could barely shut up and go along with it.
But I was the only friend he had left in the world and he was whipping me so hard.
Ow, ow! Oh, Goosius.
Daddy's got your oatmeal.
Golden raisins, just the way you like 'em, baby.
Goosey! (tires screech) Where's my goose? Why, he's right here.
Fancy a bite of roast Goosius? You didn't! (laughing): Oh, I did.
Mmm.
A trifle fatty, but other than that, excellent.
Damn, I didn't think you had it in you, M.
B.
(sobbing): Oh, man.
I don't want to live in a world without the mascot of my multinational empire.
(sobs) (Goosius honking, Homer grunting) Stop it! I saved your life, you stupid duck! Simpson, I told you to cook his goose.
I couldn't do it.
We just had our portrait done.
(honks) Then, what did I eat? Roast goose from the gas station.
- Fine, then I'll kill it myself.
- (gasps) (honking) HOMER: The two rivals found themselves doomed by the lusts that drive all men money, power, and the pursuit of a goose.
(groans) (honking) Damn it, Monty, I don't want to die.
Well, if we have to end this way, at least it's of natural causes.
A business deal gone wrong.
(creaking) (shouts) Tell me, Jay.
Why'd you betray me? We were kindred souls.
Brothers in avarice.
Why? Because you told me to! In your own last chapter.
"You will never be truly ruthless until you destroy the one who made you.
" I had to tear you down, M.
B.
! It was the final rung.
(creaking) I just wanted to be ruthless, like you.
That I inspired you to such pure and evil greed, that is my greatest triumph.
I am truly immortal.
We're about to die, fool.
(yelling) Smithers, I ordered ice, not slush.
Sorry I'm late, sir.
A few of these French Canadian bikers got delayed at the border.
Apparently, I'm their leader now.
Smithers, Smithers, Smithers! (chuckles) Ow.
That stings.
Oh, that one's nice.
How dare you.
Fascinating.
BOTH: Excellent.
HOMER: Mr.
Burns realized that his ruthless will to power would beat on forever in another man's heart.
Ah, I guess this summer's really over.
(crying): I'm gonna miss Goosius.
Aah! Thanks, boy.
Do you think Mr.
Burns learned anything from all this? Could it have changed him for the better? You know what? I have a feeling it did.
BURNS (over P.
A.
): Attention.
For the sheer joy of it, every day will now include a moment of musical appreciation.
Yeah! Music makes the whole world Whole world Mm, let's not do this tomorrow.
Oh Go round, hey Ah-ah-ha.
(hip-hop version of Simpsons theme playing) Shh! (female group sings Gracie Films theme)
He said, "The laziest way to tell a story is through voice-over narration.
" With that in mind, I tell the tale of the tragic collision between the last tycoon of the Jazz Age and the king of a hip-hop empire.
It began with an old man feeling like his best years had passed him by.
(sighs) You seem glum, sir.
How about a blood transfusion? We have some new small batch, single donor plasmas.
Mmm.
Better make it a double.
My life used to be so lively, so full of excitement.
WOMEN: Monty! Such shindigs I threw at my summer estate.
In an age of shameful excess, my parties were legendary for their magnificent excess.
Fortunes were won and lost at my tables.
Affairs were launched on my dance floor and consummated on my floor-floor.
Sultans mingled with Sultans of Swat.
MAN: Monty! (cheering) And presiding over it all was me, Monogram Monty Burns.
(groans) Well what if we throw a classic shindig at your old summer place? Why, yes.
A beachside bacchanal just like the Roaring Twenties.
That'll put the Cole back in my Porter.
What fun.
Now, I have 45 close friends who are all pretty amazing party planners.
I'm not squandering money on some chap to bring in a photo booth.
I'll take care of every detail myself.
Everything, sir? Oh, fine.
You can fetch the ice.
Okay.
How many bags? Oh, no.
None of those pricey store-bought cubes.
Now, you head up to Northern Canada and get me a quarter ton of lake ice.
Hand-sawn and tong-carried.
Risk my life in the arctic wilderness just to bring you some ice.
It would be an honor.
Would you like it packed in cedar sawdust or Spanish oak? Oh, who cares? Ice is ice.
It says Mega Stuf on the package, but these are Double Stuf at best.
(licking) What? Send me a free tub of Stuf and I'll shut down my Web site.
Mmm.
Simpson, you seem fairly popular, at least based on the cheers you got at employee karaoke night.
It's not me, it's "Mustang Sally.
" Mr.
Burns is throwing a little party, and most of his invitees are either dead or fictional.
Uh, to, uh, well, fill out the crowd, uh, perhaps you could, uh, distribute these invitations to your more, uh, presentable friends.
I know just who to invite.
- You're not invited.
- To what? None of your business! All right.
MARGE: "Your esteemed presence is requested "for an evening of madcap magic and mischief at Monty Burns' Middle Hampton estate.
" The card stock is so thick.
Bart, get in here and feel this stock.
Oh, man, that's heavy.
The Springfield Hamptons? That's on Lengthy Island, where rich people hang out on summer weekends.
I know all about it from cartoons in literary magazines.
HOMER: I'm not reading all that.
Well, now to select the perfect guest list of our city's sharpest wits and glittering socialites.
(car alarms blaring, Homer whistling) Boy oh boy, a '20s shindig at Old Man Burnsie's.
Probably gonna be bathtubs full of shrimp and Jacuzzis full of brisket.
Maybe I'll meet a rich bachelor who will sweep me off my feet.
- How do I smell? - (sniffs) Like a wood fire put out by dumping coffee on it.
Oh! Perfect.
Hey, everyone, hey! I'm off-duty, so please don't feel weird doing drugs in front of me.
Uh, or with me.
(chuckles) I became a cop too young.
I never lived.
I didn't live.
HOMER: And so I entered a world of wealth.
Where mansions are called "cottages.
" And getting drunk on a boat is called "sailing.
" (all gasping) HOMER: Get ready for fancy.
(indistinct chatter) I don't see any magic.
And not a hint of mischief.
Off-brand Ritz cracker? Salt pile? Nothing in a blanket? Dad, did Mr.
Burns cheap out? That's impossible.
He's the richest man in town.
If I had known this was a cash bar, I would've gotten wasted beforehand! At my sister's house! (fanfare plays) Welcome, honored guests.
Leave your inhibitions at the door.
And write your name on your drink cup, you will not receive a second.
(muttering) Now, dance the night away on my vintage 1920s parquet floor.
The cleaning of which is not cheap, so be sure to don your protective booties.
(Moe grunting) SKINNER: Look, Mr.
Burns, nobody loves a party with rules more than I do.
Even I'm baffled by the toilet payment system.
Oh, it's simple, bring the chit from the applicable restroom to the purser You might've been fun a hundred years ago, Burnsie, but now you're a cheap, old lamewad.
And trust me, I know cheap.
That's right, I bought a suit, Xeroxed it, returned it, and wore the copy.
(grunts) (guests groaning) - Waste of my time.
- Why is everyone leaving? Of course, no ice.
Mm, that lazy Smithers is probably sipping hot buttered rum in a ski chalet overlooking Lake Louise.
(grunting frantically) (growls) Ah.
Uh-oh.
Aw.
(growls) - (brays) - (Smithers screams) (crying) Hey, Mr.
Burns, fun party.
No one felt any pressure to talk or laugh or stay past 7:30.
Super chill.
Oh, hush.
I'm a worn-out old miser who's forgotten the meaning of fun.
(gasps) Great Gatsby! What is that? (music and indistinct chatter in distance) Someone else is having a party across the bay.
(chuckles) Once I would've thought nothing of rowing across the water and crashing that party.
All doors would open for Monogram Monty.
That was a long time ago.
Aw, I'll row you over.
How hard could it be? (Homer gasping for air) Oh, so hard.
Would it help if I whipped you? Maybe.
Yeah, a little.
Yeah, yeah.
(grunting) Yeah.
(grunting) Whoa, it's a white party.
Just the kind I used to throw.
Although we interpreted the theme a bit differently in those days.
Aah! Got a whole lot of money, got a whole lot of money Mm, whoever is throwing this magnificent to-do knows how to enjoy their wealth.
Got a whole lot of money Ooh, excessive.
Tell me, where can I find our host? I haven't met him.
No one has ever met him.
He doesn't exist.
Oh, he's upstairs in his office.
Ooh.
Are you the host of this incredible soiree? I must tell you, it's the most incandescent, most dazzling My name is Jay G.
And nobody crashes my party.
Not even you nobodies.
(guns cock, Homer and Burns gasp) Let's go, Mr.
Burns.
What did you say? Mr.
Burns and I were just leaving.
Are you Montgomery Burns, the despised billionaire? Well, that's what my cuff links say.
There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time, you ruthless monster.
(whimpers) - I love you.
- (gasps) I can't believe I'm meeting the Monty Burns.
How do you know me? You're the dude who wrote The Rungs of Ruthlessness.
(chuckles) Yes, back then they'd give a book contract to any CEO with a power tie and a bonsai tree.
When I was a boy, I found a copy left on the seat of a bus I stole.
And after I read it, I knew I'd jacked my last courtesy shuttle.
Your book became my bible.
"Every empire needs an emblem.
" See? There you told me to find a symbol to represent my brand.
And there he is, the living logo of Golden Goose Records, - Goosius.
- (honks) You make me believe I can fly.
Goosius is on everything from my cognac-flavored vodka to the brake pads I coproduced with Lil Wayne.
Aw, he eats the same way I do, without swallowing.
You've flown south for the winter with my heart.
- (honks) - Ow! I hope this bite never heals.
When I wrote an advice book, I never dreamed it would help anyone.
Everything I am I owe to you.
And a little bit to Baz Luhrmann.
When I was born, our cupboards were barren Now I'm inside of a blue McLaren Blue McLaren? They all be starin' 'cause He's a hip-hop Vanderbilt I'm so established - My life is fabulous - Sugar trust.
This.
This is what I thought I'd never have again.
Well, then good news, Monty.
This is your party.
HOMER: And so was forged the most unlikely of friendships.
A man who discovered Rick Ross and a man who dated Betsy Ross.
The next day, my family explored Middle Hampton.
A wonderland of boutiques paid for by rich husbands wanting to keep their wives busy.
Mainly second wives.
WOMEN: Hampton, ah, Hampton.
What kind of crazy flavors are these? Quince jelly and pepper? Market greens? Bone broth brittle? I don't know what this place hates more, kids or ice cream.
Really, man, a 3 Series? I mean, what is he? A sophomore at Exeter? Yeah, one cup of salted caramel.
Woo-woo-woo, scoop with the stripe, stupid.
(chuckling): I mean That kid just cut in line.
Are you gonna let him do that? That's Blake Black.
His dad runs BlackLake Investments.
So? Richest dad rules? Everyone knows that.
Well, I don't.
Don't misunderstand me, Mats Wilander may have been a decent player, but until his inglés gets just a little bit better, he can coach somebody else.
Pardon me a second.
What is it, head points, what? Just because your father has money doesn't mean you can cut.
Hmm, it kind of looks like it does.
All right, I'll tell you what: because I am a nice guy, I am going to pay for everyone's cones.
Is that okay? Does that make it okay? - Yeah! - Yes! No! I would never accept ice cream from someone whose manners are in the bottom one percent! (gasping) Boom.
So, hey, hi.
Are you going to the Allens' hot-dog-and-horseshoes thing later? No.
The Forstmans' firefly thing? No.
The Olins' jellyfish fry thing? I'm not going to any things at all! But I want to, um, hang out.
What? Why? I've never met anyone like you before.
Anyone with, you know, I don't know, um, morals.
Oh.
(giggles) Well, I guess it is a little judgy of me to be completely disgusted by you.
Great, I'll set something up.
Erin, are you on? Okay, I need to bail on the Kravises' freeze tag thing.
No, I know, I have to.
Send the big basket.
What's wrong, honey? Lisa's got a rich boyfriend, Dad's hanging out with a hip-hop super producer, and I'm stuck window-shopping with you two fun-sucking stink buckets.
It's not fair! Life's not fair, kid.
Do I know you? If life was fair, you would know me.
But know this: Jay G ain't all that.
What do you mean? Buy a candle and I'll tell you.
What's your cheapest one? $55.
No way.
I could start a fire in the woods for nothing.
HOMER: So Bart met someone who I think comes back later.
I forget why.
Hmm.
Who would have thought two billionaire Republicans from such different backgrounds could end up as chums? Is not green a more powerful color than black or white? The Lord picks a select few to accumulate more money than anyone else.
You and I bear that sacred avarice.
Each of my enterprises has its own G6.
What's that one? That's for my (chuckles) personal horticulturalist.
(chuckling): You know what I'm sayin'? I don't.
You seem to get so much joy out of your money.
I envy you.
You've given me so much, Monty.
Let me give you something back: the freedom to live large.
A charge plate? I've never had one of those newfangled swipe-a-ma-jigs.
It's an Obsidian Card, the most exclusive.
No spending limit, no store has ever heard of it.
But they have to accept it.
Take it if you want to roll like G.
Don't forget to sign it.
Oh, right.
No, no, not a felt-tip.
Oh! It'll smudge.
Okay, quick, blow on it to dry the ink.
(both blowing) Blake, I have to say, this whale watch was a very thoughtful idea.
(gasps) Oh, it's a whole family.
But they're so far away.
Far? Babe, when you whale watch with me, you sit pod-side.
Fellas! What can we do here? This way, the whales know we are VIPs.
Um, where's the baby? There's supposed to be a baby.
I paid for a calf.
Does that mean anything? Whale-copters? VIP pod-view? This is awful! Well, if we went on some lame econo-watch, we might not see blowhole one.
I mean, what are you saying? Are you hearing yourself? Blake, I really believed you could change.
And you did, you became even more horrible.
(singing) (grunts) These aren't VIP emotions.
This is worse than the time I had to eat grocery store sushi.
The shiso leaf was plastic! (crying): It was plastic! JAY: You got to buy it, M.
B.
, it's fate.
Oh, I don't know.
$100,000 feels like a lot of money.
You've got to splash the cash, fling the bling, spill them bills.
It don't matter, just splatter the batter.
Splash the cash.
(grunting) Monogram Monty is back! I got a whole lot of money A whole lot of money - What you want? - A whole lot of money - I got - A who-whole lot of money - (honks) - How much? A whole lot of money Whole lot - What's up? - Over here - What's up? - Over there (bell clangs) (hoofbeats) I got a whole lot of money A whole lot of money - What you want? - A whole lot of money I got it (honking) When the night come on I already know what time it is She gon' drop.
Now, what are you generous folks willing to pay for a basketball lesson with Charles Barkley? $10,000.
$20,000.
$30,000.
Do I hear $50,000? $1 million.
(whoops) M.
B.
, if you could only feel what I feel right now $1 million, going once, going twice $10 million! (crowd gasps) Sold! I just spent more money than I know on something I don't even want.
And it's the greatest feeling I've ever had! (grunts weakly) Still better than Shaq.
Mr.
Burns was living the highlight.
splurging on every luxury, even the ultimate indulgence useless hangers-on like me.
Noice.
To think, all the years I wasted without a posse.
Good-bye, loneliness.
We get all this stuff just for letting Mr.
Burns beat us in mini golf.
(chuckling): What a deal! My whole job is to not make eye contact with him.
I thought I'd get tired of window-shopping in this fancy little town, but it ain't happening.
A chessboard where the pieces are lipsticks! (gasps) (groans) (gasps) A horse show! (gasps) A protest! Huh? Blake, is that you? What happened to your privilege? I checked it.
(gasps) Lisa, when you rejected me, I knew I had to do whatever it took to become worthy of you.
This now runs on solar power and falafel.
Now, that's sustainable! I've dedicated my entire allowance to Trustafarians for Horse Justice.
Here's an upside down bucket for you to drum on.
Well, what girl could say no to a socially conscious drum circle? Yo, lamp dress, I've got all access paddock passes to the horse show.
Check out these sweet mane combs.
I can get you up close to the horses for primo grooming time.
ALL: Combing is murder! Combing is murder! Primo grooming time.
HOMER: The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.
Horsey, horsey, horsey, horsey, horsey! For her, I gave up what meant most to me: being a douche.
Mr.
Burns, your bill came from the Obsidian Card.
Are you sure you're not spending too much money? Hush, you sound like Smithers.
Where is that loafer with my ice? (Smithers grunting, ringtone playing) (ringing stops) (groaning) - (horn honks) - Fill her up! And make it snappy.
My best pal and I are going shopping for those yachts that have little submarines in them.
Sir, your card was declined.
(laughs) Goulash! Absolute goulash! It's linked to my bank account.
I'd have to be penniless before that card didn't work.
Well, then that means you're broke.
Broke? (chuckles anxiously) Me? Broke? Me? Yes, I'm afraid I have to destroy your card.
Good luck.
It's tempered titanium and coated with powdered diamond.
I ain't got no money I ain't got no money.
MOE: Don't take it.
This car leased in someone else's name is who I am! My entire fortune, spent and gone.
I splashed all my cash.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
It was your first credit card.
And I handled it as well as a freshman at Michigan State! Mr.
Burns, I think Jay wanted you to bankrupt yourself.
Why would you say such a thing? It's number one on the charts.
Used to be the man, Burns Now you just a bad joke Used to be about to die Now you only dead broke I gave you the card, Burns And you spent your mind out It was all a trap, yo As you 'bout to find out Jay G is CEO of Obsidian! - Biotch! - (honks) Now your bank account is withering Your bottom lip is quivering You're Hufflepuff, I'm Slytherin There's no one doin' your Smitherin' This is where your money went Evict you from the one percent Now watch me as my fingers tent 'Cause I own you, it is excellent Excellent You're broke now Your cash was your passion Now Jay owns your ass, son.
(honks) If these rhymes are to be believed, Jay lured me into debt and now he owns everything.
Even my beloved nuclear plant.
Our magical friendship was a sham! HOMER: The loneliest moment in someone's life is when they're watching their whole world fall apart.
And all they can do is stare blankly.
Oh, no, wait, he's crying now.
That's worse.
Now he's really sobbing heavy.
Oh, now he's gone to his knees and he ripped his shirt open.
All of his buttons fell off of his shirt.
Oh, now he's kicking his porch.
Oh, he hurt his foot and he's hopping around.
Oh, he tripped over a dog.
(sobs) That's way worse.
Montgomery Burns had hit rock-bottom.
F.
Scott Fitzgerald onde wrote: "There are no second acts in American lives.
" But he never said anything about second parts in American TV shows.
I should've seen it all coming.
My eyes were clouded by the cataracts of excess.
And by an excess of cataracts.
Wait.
What happened to my posse? Don't you worry.
A posse's loyalty is forever.
Hey, Burnsie, I didn't get any brand-new sneakers today.
I can't be wearing two-day-old sneakers.
Hey, if there's no more money, we'll take our personalized bowling balls, fold-up bicycles, and go.
(bicycles squeaking) (sighs) I'm here for my hounds.
(growling) Huh! Preposterous.
I raised those hounds from pups.
I'm the only master they've ever known.
One word from me and they'll rip you apart.
Commence ripping! (snarling) (sniffing) (chuckles) Dogs can smell power.
Sign this release legally releasing the hounds.
If you don't, Mr.
Jay G will release the hounds.
Jay, I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.
We were going to open up a money-losing winery together.
We can still hang out.
Even though our owners are fighting.
(honks) Not being bitten (cries) hurts the most.
(sighs) Everyone's gone.
Even Smithers never bothered to return from Canada with my lake ice.
(alarm ringtone plays) (grunting) (cracking) Good Simpson.
Faithful Simpson.
You would never go back to the nuclear plant that was so cruelly taken from me.
What does your heart say? HOMER: I looked deep into my heart, and it said Uh let me ask my wife.
I don't care if Mr.
Burns doesn't own the nuclear plant anymore.
You still have to work there.
You have a wife, a family, and a store to support.
You're right, you're right.
Wait.
A store? I have a store.
How did that happen? Well, you spend enough time in the Hamptons and you have any flair at all, you just wind up with a store.
WOMEN: What could possibly go wrong with retail? Where should we put the 19th century doctor's kits? Ooh, ooh! In the window next to the state-shaped erasers.
But I feel bad leaving Mr.
Burns.
I'm all he's got.
Can't we live off the money from your store? Oh, God, no! Right now I'm still building inventory.
Luckily, the pincushion store across the street went out of business.
I just swooped right in and bought up everything.
Okay.
HOMER: With my dear wife losing her marbles, I had to turn my back on poor, broken Burns and go to work at, well, the sexiest nuclear plant on Earth.
Radioactive R-R-R-Radioactive Homer Simpson? Boss wants to see you.
- Booty like a power plant - WOMAN: Hey, baby.
You're blowin' up my pants, I like the way you dance JAY: Mixtape coming soon, ladies.
J-J-J-Jay's got the power! (music continues in distance) "Rung six.
To ensure an employee's loyalty, you must crush their attachments to the past.
" - (honks) - (knocking on door) You wanted to see me, Mr.
G? Relax, Homer, we're good.
When you entered my gates, I knew you'd turn your back on Old Man Burns.
And I respect that.
Yeah.
I ditched him, all right.
In his hour of need.
But I feel good about it.
Really good.
(honking) Ow! Ow! Oh I missed that.
Because I know you're so loyal to me, I have a very special job for you.
Removing the last trace of Monty Burns from the power plant he loves.
(whimpers) (grunts) Don't look at me.
Stop looking at me! (grunts) You did good.
Here's your reward.
(gasps) Cobbler.
I've got a granny in Atlanta who custom bakes them just for me.
Peach, berry, cherry, rhubarb, pineapple.
You can't cobbler pineapple.
Yet here it is.
(crying) Homie, what's wrong? (crying): I've never seen such beautiful cobbler.
But there was a hole in me that even a thousand pans of hot fruit couldn't fill.
I had betrayed Mr.
Burns and felt sick about it.
Searching for an open grave in which to barf, I heard a horrible sound, which I was strangely drawn towards.
BURNS (coughing): After the ball is over After the break of dawn After the dancers' leaving After the stars are gone.
Mr.
Burns, what are you doing in this death hole? All I have left is my family mausoleum.
Would you like a sip of grief soup? I stewed it from flowers left on graves.
I confess, I went back to work at the plant.
Jay G seduced me with cobbler.
But after the eighth pan, it tasted like ashes.
Ice cream got me through three more pans, but after that, ashes.
Well, now you have to decide, once and for all, where your allegiance lies.
I'm not going back to that job.
I'm gonna stay here with you and we're going to get even with Jay G.
And as God is my witness, I will not tell my wife what I'm up to.
Oh, that's good.
Come on, Simpson.
Give me more ideas to get back at Jay G.
- Fill his office with balloons? - Too soft.
Fill his office with scorpions? Eh, I'm having a fight with my scorpion guy.
Oh, oh, oh.
Banana in his tailpipe.
I can't afford a banana! (twig snaps) What's that? A spy! Grab him.
Come here, spy.
What are you doing here, boy? You're not dead.
Are you? I followed you.
I got suspicious when you came home last night covered in grave dirt.
Be gone, urchin.
We have work to do.
Wait, wait! He can help.
No one's better at nasty schemes than this kid.
I mean, he's messed up.
Look at him.
You got to figure his family life's a disaster.
Why should I help Burns now that he's broke? I've got more money than he does.
Would the cape and gloves of the infamous Gaslight Strangler change your mind? If you want to take down a rapper, you got to destroy the thing that's most important to him: his rep.
(whispering): Rep means reputation.
To do that, we got to go to the ultimate expert on urban culture.
A white nerd.
So, in South Central Springfield in the '90s, there were four major hip-hop sub-scenes.
The Good Time Mafia, Licorice Avenue, The Dirty, Dirty North, and The FLTA.
The Fine Ladies Thug Army.
Fascinating.
Yes, yes.
But do you have anything we can use against my sworn enemy, Jay G? Before he was Jay G, he was Jeremy Gilroy, a founding member of The Five Boyfriends, a soulful R&B quintet.
Hey, I know this guy.
He tried to sell me a $55 candle! That's Jazzy James, the Lyrical Miracle.
He wrote all of Jay's early hits.
But they had a falling out, and he was never heard from again.
Then only one man can write the rap that will ruin the rep of Jay G.
Jazzy James.
HOMER: I told you this guy would come back.
Told you.
Yeah, I used to be Jazzy James.
The Lyrical Miracle? My skills were empirical.
I wrote all the rhymes for Jay G's first hip-hop record.
I didn't get a dime, because I signed over all the rights.
Why'd you do that? (groans) All right, all right.
I'll sign! He took my money, stole my girl, made me get a tattoo of the baseball from Major League.
It broke me.
I fell hard, into scented candles.
(inhales deeply) (exhales) Quince.
Listen, Jazzy.
We're gonna tear down Jay G with the ultimate revenge rap.
And you're gonna write it.
Oh (grunts) (glass shatters) I'm in.
Excellent.
What is rap? Hmm? Hmm.
Quick, boy! Hide this thing.
(Bart grunting) Homie, it's so sweet of you to come visit me at my store.
But aren't you gonna get in trouble for missing work? You let me worry about the nuclear plant.
The important thing for you to do is believe I still work there.
I can't wait to show you the changes I've made.
We're getting a lot of foot traffic.
Three people used the bathroom yesterday.
How much should I charge for these handbags made from the speaker covers of old jukeboxes? Five dollars.
No, no, no, no, no.
A hundred dollars! (gasps) It's happening.
It's happening.
I love my store! We're putting up new wallpaper.
(grunting) Is Mom gonna be okay? I don't know, son, I don't know.
MAN: Oh, it's not her, fellas.
It's the curse of the adorable little store.
Didn't always used to be like this.
No, no.
Once, this land was full of actual stores, as far as the eye could see.
Then the rich people came.
They didn't need to make money, they just needed a place for their friends to wander into, after spin class.
Yeah, that's progress for you.
I suppose.
HOMER: And so, with Jazzy James on board, Mr.
Burns set out to produce the ultimate revenge rap.
(hip-hop beat begins playing) Uh, listen up, suckers I'm-a say how I feel My dealings with Jay G have been less than ideal.
I (sighs) It's It's no use.
I've lost it.
I need you to rap like your world is ending.
Like you just found out that capital gains are going to be taxed at the same rate as ordinary income.
I need you to put your entire soul into it.
Now rhyme, Jazzy, rhyme! I got nothin'.
Just take me back to my candles.
I need my quince! Wait, I have another idea.
I'm feelin' it! (laughs) I'm feelin' it! Now, almost drop me.
(whoops) Why does this work? Jay, you're a rhyme thief A hip-hop perjurer If my words were beef patties You'd be the Hamburglar My beats are the freshest My beats are the freshest You reached out and stole 'em Like Gollum did precious Time for the truth to be paid off You're a lyrical Madoff So if you want to go to war, brah Hit me up and I'll write the rap for ya.
Yeah! Whoa, it rhymed! (laughs) Now that's what I call a corking revenge rap.
If anyone's hungry, we've set up a deli platter in the lobby.
I'm hungry! For gettin' what's mine.
Oh.
Ain't no deli platter ordered for a recording session that Praline doesn't hear about.
Mm-mm.
Praline? She's Jay G's ex-wife.
I thought you were in prison.
That's what the guards said, but I wasn't having that.
Oh, we duckin' now? So that's how it is? (chuckles) I see.
Oh, no, he didn't.
No, he did not.
- Shut up, Miata.
- Oh.
Put that rare roast beef in a baggie.
Mm-hmm, that one.
So, Praline, are you with us or against us? Jay G took everything from me.
You best believe I'm going to take everything from him.
Get the ham! We're really glad to have you.
Thanks for your help.
Who you thankin'? I'm not doing this for you, boo boo kitty.
HOMER: With an angry ex-wife on our team, we were unstoppable.
Praline brought in an all-star lineup of Jay G's enemies to lend their hatred to the world's greatest diss rap.
RZA, Snoop and Common.
Yo, I want to back-smack Jay G, son He took that name Tang Clan from me And since there couldn't be two I had to change my Tang Clan to Wu I seen Jay G pimp, lie and rob Took my handyman off a job And when I complained All he did was laugh Now I got half a gazebo, and not even the good half I would never wish hate on my brother 'Cause we're all from the same celestial mother Wait, I just remembered Jay crashed my Jet Ski.
I hope he get food poisoning from nachos.
Peace! Yo, Common, that was tight.
Respect, 'House.
Oh, when this track drops, some feelings gonna get hurt.
Obliverated.
Indeed.
I just wish Smithers and his ice were here to witness my revenge.
MEN (French Canadian accents): Fight, fight, fight.
(men shouting) (growls) (grunts) (all gasping) (hip-hop playing) BURNS: Prepare for the turning of the worms.
No offense, worms.
I now drop "Choke on Diss," aka "Rhyme Crime," by Hate Squad, featuring the Rhyme Crime All-Stars.
Why isn't it dropping? Release the sounds! (honks) - (all gasping) - Damn! Sorry to crash your party as a hologram, M.
B.
, but I'm having a little celebration of my own.
I just bought the master recording of your so-called diss rap.
Ha, no way.
Jazzy James and Hate Squad, featuring the Rhyme Crime All-Stars hate you! They'd never sell out.
They would for money! Sorry, Monty.
Jay G is the best producer in the world and you're a tone-deaf pauper who lives in a grave.
Ouch.
I thought I hated him, but now I don't.
So now I'm here.
If you can't handle a strong female hologram, that's on you.
Jay G and D-O-double-G.
We flipped the script.
This ultimate betrayal is part of your spiritual journey.
Lesson one: protect your neck.
Say good-bye to your revenge rap forever.
'Cause it's about to drop.
(gulps, honks) Mmm.
(kisses) Party at the power plant, y'all.
I swear on the squid beak of Lord Cthulhu and all his briny shoggoths, I will get revenge on you, Jay G.
HOMER: And so Mr.
Burns beat on, fists against the hologram, punching back ceaselessly into his own face.
Which new name do you like better? Next Doorables (gasps) or the Lavender Zeppelin? I just don't know anymore.
(door opens, bell rings) (gasps) A customer! Oh, it's you.
Baby, I'm sorry.
I stayed loyal to Mr.
Burns, coproduced a failed revenge rap, and now we've got nothing.
(gasps) I know it's crazy, but he needed me.
Oh, it's okay, Homie.
You're not mad? Your heart told you to stick with Mr.
Burns, and the thing I love about you most is you've got a heart as big as The Ritz.
Wow, Mom, you just made an F.
Scott Fitzgerald reference.
Lisa, please, I did graduate high school.
(sighs) I've just hatched a plan for the most delicious revenge.
Simpson, we must away.
Did you want to buy that? Just looking.
We can't afford the store anymore! Oh, thank God.
Ha! I'm free! (grunts) Well, before long, another aimless soul will open another adorable store here.
And when they do, Old Sam the Sign Hanger will be ready, with his level and his ladder.
Oh, why, here comes one now.
Oh, honey, isn't it darling? - Huh? - (laughs) We finally found the Bookmark Barn.
- (cackling) - Oh, this is Wicker Works.
We're gonna sell so many Yorkie sweaters.
We can use the contractor that did Karen's store.
HOMER: Mr.
Burns' plan was so horrifying, I could barely shut up and go along with it.
But I was the only friend he had left in the world and he was whipping me so hard.
Ow, ow! Oh, Goosius.
Daddy's got your oatmeal.
Golden raisins, just the way you like 'em, baby.
Goosey! (tires screech) Where's my goose? Why, he's right here.
Fancy a bite of roast Goosius? You didn't! (laughing): Oh, I did.
Mmm.
A trifle fatty, but other than that, excellent.
Damn, I didn't think you had it in you, M.
B.
(sobbing): Oh, man.
I don't want to live in a world without the mascot of my multinational empire.
(sobs) (Goosius honking, Homer grunting) Stop it! I saved your life, you stupid duck! Simpson, I told you to cook his goose.
I couldn't do it.
We just had our portrait done.
(honks) Then, what did I eat? Roast goose from the gas station.
- Fine, then I'll kill it myself.
- (gasps) (honking) HOMER: The two rivals found themselves doomed by the lusts that drive all men money, power, and the pursuit of a goose.
(groans) (honking) Damn it, Monty, I don't want to die.
Well, if we have to end this way, at least it's of natural causes.
A business deal gone wrong.
(creaking) (shouts) Tell me, Jay.
Why'd you betray me? We were kindred souls.
Brothers in avarice.
Why? Because you told me to! In your own last chapter.
"You will never be truly ruthless until you destroy the one who made you.
" I had to tear you down, M.
B.
! It was the final rung.
(creaking) I just wanted to be ruthless, like you.
That I inspired you to such pure and evil greed, that is my greatest triumph.
I am truly immortal.
We're about to die, fool.
(yelling) Smithers, I ordered ice, not slush.
Sorry I'm late, sir.
A few of these French Canadian bikers got delayed at the border.
Apparently, I'm their leader now.
Smithers, Smithers, Smithers! (chuckles) Ow.
That stings.
Oh, that one's nice.
How dare you.
Fascinating.
BOTH: Excellent.
HOMER: Mr.
Burns realized that his ruthless will to power would beat on forever in another man's heart.
Ah, I guess this summer's really over.
(crying): I'm gonna miss Goosius.
Aah! Thanks, boy.
Do you think Mr.
Burns learned anything from all this? Could it have changed him for the better? You know what? I have a feeling it did.
BURNS (over P.
A.
): Attention.
For the sheer joy of it, every day will now include a moment of musical appreciation.
Yeah! Music makes the whole world Whole world Mm, let's not do this tomorrow.
Oh Go round, hey Ah-ah-ha.
(hip-hop version of Simpsons theme playing) Shh! (female group sings Gracie Films theme)