The Simpsons s28e14 Episode Script


1 (gasps) (school bell ringing) (burps) (tires screech) D'oh! (tires screeching) (Strauss' "Also Sprach Zarathustra" playing) (clacking) (alarm wailing) (alarm stops) (gulping) (whoops) - Simpson.
- Uh-oh.
The boss.
Do you know what you've done? You won the Count the Buttons in the Button Jar Challenge.
Thanks to him, you all get the rest of the day off.
(chuckles) Go home.
Live your lives.
Don't look back.
Smithers, the bodies.
(beeping) ("James Bond Theme" playing) I had a great day, and I really want to celebrate with the boys.
So don't wait up for me, my sweet, wonderful bartender, Moe.
All right, but who's the boys? Marge's boobs.
See ya.
(rapping): I'm so happy Bursting with joy, my day's been spectacular Improving my vernacular, eating Cracker Jack-ular It's a perfect day so far Patty and Selma's car?! D'oh! Homie, stop dropping rhymes and get dressed.
We're going to the 38th annual DMV Awards.
Aw, there are too many award shows.
People don't deserve so many awards.
People suck.
They should just be grateful to be alive.
Get your best coffin suit, 'cause you're goin'.
(groans) You're at table one, next to the bathroom, furthest from the bar.
Patty and Selma are producing the Surlys this year.
Hamilton's gonna win everything.
Fred Hamilton.
Window six.
He can make every person in the room feel like their number is the furthest from being called.
(laughing) You know, Selma, James Bond has a license to kill.
HOMER: Stop forcing banter! But a lot of people would kill for these licenses.
HOMER: Heckle! Heckle! For Funniest Vanity Plate, the nominees are I Heart Heart Doctors, from the writing team of A team?! - Beep-beep, beep-beep.
- Beep-beep, beep-beep.
Objects may be sexier than they appear.
(growls) That's it.
I'm leaving.
Take me! You'd slow me down! Lisa Simpson here, covering the Surly Awards for Springfield Elementary School Radio, WSES.
Ooh, here comes an audience member now.
One guy in the In Memoriam reel was alive when it started! Don't forget your gift bag! It's just a coupon for a dollar off at the car wash, but if you don't have one, the lady at the car wash will give you one from out of a drawer! - (tires screech) - Homie, come back! You're the next presenter! The winner is me 'cause I'm leaving! Stomach filled with rage.
Must quench with French fries.
Five Krusty Burgers.
No tomato.
Sorry, sir.
We no longer serve Krusty Burgers.
But it's your name! It's as if Macy's didn't sell Mace! Our corporate parent in Kumamoto, Japan, has instituted the following fun and nonnegotiable changes Hey, hey! Try our Buttermilk Sriracha Sandwich, Kobe Shiitake Ciabatta Explosion, and Hanoi Honey Barbecue Banh Mi Pho-furter.
Get 'em quick, before they're Sai-gone! (laughs) Oh, I just want a one-pound burger that a snake couldn't fit its mouth around.
We no longer sell the Python Buster.
Would you like some Kombucha Kimchi Mini Tacos instead? Just give me a cup.
That's beet aioli.
No! People! Beware! The crap you love to eat has been replaced by food! (tires screech) (tires screech) Heavenly Father, I know you're a friend of the eating man.
You created Sunday so we can have brunch.
Please, O Lard, shower me with your divine grease and deliver me some egg rolls.
Or pizza or hot dogs.
Whatever I can eat while driving.
For thine is the flower and the gravy forever.
A menu would be great.
(gasps) Thank you.
Help you? Um, what's the healthiest thing in this place? (whoops) Chewie, we're home.
Chewie is what I call my mouth.
I really don't care what you call your mouth.
Just in time for breakfast.
Hi, guys.
So, Homie, I'm sure you have a good explanation - for where you were.
- The best.
I was eating hot dogs.
Hot dogs? (scoffs) That is so stupid it must be the truth.
I bet you're picturing me as a hot dog right now.
Absolutely not! (chuckles) And these weren't just any hot dogs they were Deuce's Caboose chili dogs! We were worried sick! What do you think we are, man? Take that.
Ow! No fair! She nut-butted me.
(chuckles) Deuce's Caboose, eh? We used to take you there when you were a boy.
I don't remember any of that.
Well, you were young then, and you're stupid now.
Your mom and me dropped you off there every Wednesday afternoon while we tuned up our marriage.
Turn here.
Oh, you just love to tell me what to do.
We come here every week, and you get lost.
- Please stop fighting.
- Oh, you would just love it if we did that, wouldn't you? He'll take a small soda and sit there for 50 minutes.
Hey, kid, have a chili dog, on the house.
If we split up, no one gets Homer! ("Flower Duet" playing) That's when I started eating my emotions.
You poor guy.
Fat-man begins.
Well, it taught me a great coping skill.
Eating is to me what drinking is to me.
(chuckles) I just wish I had something aggravating in my life to make me hungry now.
Hello! (gasps) Uh, Homie, Patty and Selma lost their jobs at the DMV, because they spent too much on the award show.
We went over the $43 budget.
By $100,000.
To save money, I said they could live here for a while.
And don't forget, we have a baby and an iguana.
And they both have different sleep schedules.
What they do have in common is diarrhea.
And we forgot to bring diapers.
You remember me as a kid, right? No, sir.
But you called me your "Little H-Dog," remember? Look, man, I'm getting up there.
I can barely remember the starting lineup of the 1961 Chicago Blackhawks.
Uh, Bobby Hull; Al Arbour; Ed Litzenberger, captain; Stan Mikita; and that's all.
Also, Dollard St.
But not you.
I'm sorry, sir.
MARTIN: Okay, people, what have you got? We're being killed in the ratings by the morning announcements.
SKINNER: Attention, the bus that took 30 kids on a "field trip" was not from this school.
If anyone's mom can go pick up 30 students in Chinatown, it would be much appreciated.
Why didn't we break that story?! Damn it, we're even being beaten by Jimbo's podcast.
Today on Left, Right & Center, we'll discuss whether to punch someone in the left, right, or center.
Our special guest today is upside-down nerd, Milhouse Van Houten.
Thanks for having me back.
Aren't we just supposed to do the stories we want and not worry about ratings? That's kindergarten talk.
This is professional fourth-grade radio.
(knocking) Meeting's over.
I've got to put the balls back in.
I'm the smartest ball in the bag.
You could be replaced, and it wouldn't be hard.
A cinder block with a stretched-out belt would do the trick.
(engine revving, tires squealing) No one's eating at my place.
No one! I'm a self-hating chew.
Hot dog! Life is tasting pretty good Oh, yeah Hot dog 'Cause you love me like you should Oh, yeah So put some mustard on my roll 'Cause you're barking up my soul Hot dog - I like to see you walk - Beef log I like to hear you talk - Food blog - I really relish you - What rhymes with relish? - Who could embellish you? - (Homer whoops) - BOTH: Hot dog - Hot dog - Hot dog Hot dog Don't know what's inside of you Hot dog! (laughter) Ah.
I still don't remember you, man.
LISA: Here at Springfield Elementary, detention has many names.
Purgatraz, The Skinner Sheraton, Spitball Alley, The Bully Pen, 311 Worth, Little Devil's Island and Dead Man Chalking.
And I am here with the legendary Nurple Purpler Nelson Muntz.
Nelson, let me get right to it.
Haw-haw! Where did that come from? Um wow.
First of all, great question.
I guess I just saw a jerk doing something lame, and I wanted to make the dope feel like a dingus.
Well, Mr.
Muntz, I just happen to have one of those "dingi" right here.
Milhouse, how does it feel to get a full Nelson? The first haw isn't that bad.
But the second one is devastating.
Wow! Wow! Sorry, Lisa.
Funding has run out for our radio station.
I'm, uh, gonna have to take back your hat.
What?! Jeff and Becky broke up! Just before the story of the year! What's wrong, sweetie? They took away my radio station, which was the only source of news in a 50-foot area.
You could come with me to the hot dog stand and do the word search on the kids' menu.
Do they have diagonals? Diagonals! That's where "race car" was hiding.
Oh, no, the hot dog stand is closed! The place I forgot for 30 years is gone! There's always a weak link.
There's always a weak link! (groaning) We should help that man.
He's choking.
I remember when you used to help me when I was choking.
Why don't you ask the girl at the hiking store? I gave her my number because I was ordering boots.
Don't let it be forgot that on this shining spot was a place I really ate a lot.
I don't see how you can blame a man of 97 for retiring.
- I thought we were the same age.
- So did I.
Well, I hope you didn't sell it to some clown.
(Krusty's theme song playing) Here's a check.
Welcome to the Krusty Burger family.
And since we're family, we don't talk! Next problem.
Oh! What else are you gonna change? We're gonna keep everything that makes Deuce's Caboose great.
Like the hot dogs and the caboose? No.
God, no.
We're already talking to C-list actors about playing the owner in commercials.
We're trying to find a cheap Garrett Morris.
(creaking, engine starting) Hot dogs, come with me if you want to live! (engine revving) Somebody, stop them! (Krusty's theme song plays in reverse) That better be a monkey's tail I'm feeling.
Uh, chimps have no tails.
Chimps have no tails?! Dad, what are we doing?! I'm saving a precious childhood memory! You realize this will be my childhood memory, and maybe not so precious? That's a problem for grownup Lisa.
All right, then.
I certainly hope that isn't your father's hot dog caboose.
I have no end game! Oh, Lord! He's on the news so much, he has his own theme music now.
Go, Homer, go! Never know what he's gonna do! Kent Brockman with you.
You're watching Channel 6 Super Team Coverage of Chili Dog Day Afternoon Weiner on a Roll.
Basically, I'm just watching it like the rest of you.
I guess you'd like some kind of commentary or perspective.
I don't have any, but I'd like you to remember you're watching Channel 6 the one that doesn't cut away when somebody dies.
(siren wailing) Chief Wiggum, maybe I can defuse the situation.
Well, there's a first time for everything.
Can you hand me your mic? Every police regulation says "no," but do you know what says "yes"? What? Your eyes.
This is Lisa Simpson, a name you can trust, and I'm with Homer Simpson, a man who just stole a caboose.
My father is on quick-sided quest to save a greasy spoon from being licked.
I have to save that caboose full of hot dogs, which is what my father called me.
This aggression shall not stand, so let us ride! Say, Colonel, which army were you in? Never you mind which army I was in and which courthouse we surrendered at.
I said let's ride! I guess that's it the one freeway chase that ends in failure.
No, it has not! We shall overeat! (dramatic music playing) (upbeat instrumental music plays) (dramatic music playing) ALL: Yay! D'oh! I'm sorry, Dad.
It's over.
No, it's not! (soft squeak) Krusty, run regular! I forgot how! (creaking) So that's what it's for.
No! I can't let my Little H-Dog die! (gasps) You do remember me! I never forgot you! How could I? (creaking) You were such a sweet, sad little boy, and I failed you.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did! You needed a father, and all I could give you was steamed tubes filled with chicken asses.
But I love those chicken asses! I love you.
(both crying) Your chili dogs didn't get me through my childhood.
You did! Suddenly this hot dog-covered locomotive seems like a joke! Take my hand, son.
It's strong from turning a can opener.
Your chili was store-bought?! I didn't say I paid for it.
(explosion) - Mmm! - Oh, yeah! - Ooh! - Oh! - Ooh, yeah, baby! You're a hero, Dad! They're calling you Public Elephant Number One! Well, I guess that's better than "Local Man Cut Out of Dressing Room.
" It sure is, Dad.
It sure is.
Chief, why are you letting him leave? He just committed a series of serious crimes.
Forget it, Lou.
It's Chili Town.
("Chinatown" theme music plays) (distant siren wails) Gentlemen, I'm-a so tired of all the bad-a blood between our companies.
Can't we have a peace of pizza? What are you doing? You fools! I'm a real person in here! (taps playing)