The Simpsons s28e15 Episode Script

The Cad and the Hat

1 Hey.
(exclaims) (school bell ringing) (burps) (tires screech) D'oh! (tires screech) (grunts) (clacking) Aw.
(choking) (sniffing) (Homer doing Tarzan yell) And that's amore.
(confused bark) (head knocks) (head knocks) (head knocks) (Homer chuckles) (gong clangs) Let the word go forth.
With the kids gone for the summer, we have snuggled in every room in the house.
Thank you, Kamp Krusty.
(footsteps rumbling) - WIGGUM: Um, excuse me.
- (yelps) (footsteps rumbling) Um, putting on a little weight there, huh, Chief? Our freezer broke, Lou.
Any bacon we buy we have to eat it all and right away.
Uh, now, Simpson, we received an anonymous call about a gong.
Chief Wiggum, can't a man enjoy the company of his wife in his own son's tree house? What, you didn't see the sign? Hmm? That's just some nonsense a kid wrote, Chief.
That is what they said about the Declaration of Independence, Lou.
Uh, who said that? King Shut The Hell Up.
Look, we're married.
This is our home, and our kids are fine.
Hail to thee, Kamp Krusty.
(kids clamoring) Death to tennis camp! (kids screaming) I can't believe it's been six weeks since we've seen the kids.
Ooh, I wonder if Bart has a mustache.
(tires screech) Your kids are back.
Except for the Johnsons', who I need to speak to privately.
(chuckles nervously) (kids clamoring) (shuddering) I have lemon-lime disease! The basketball teams were skin versus bones.
I'm tellin' ya, it was a real rough camp.
I see you're sucking your thumb again.
Kirk, you said he'd stopped.
Uh Kirk, we discussed this.
It's the only vice I can afford! Oh, my poor, poor babies.
Do you know what kids get after a scary experience? LISA/HOMER/BART: Ice cream! No.
Kids, you've been through a horrible experience, but there is good news at the end of that pain-bow.
A pot of goals.
All right.
How long you gonna talk this way? Well, let's just say I wish eyes were smiling.
(chuckles) Now, kids, how bad could it have really been? Hey, Doc, I'm fine.
But other kids in my generation, I love 'em, but they're total wusses.
Well, every night, they showed us The Parent Trap.
I mean, what kind of parents break up twins and never tell them the other exists?! - Oh, that's Disney magic.
- (shudders) Now, you all need to decompress, so it is essential you do not go right back to school.
No school? No school? On second thought, I'm fine.
Look, I can sit with my chair turned around, just like you.
I knew one day there'd be another.
Go with God.
Bart, are you coming? (blubbering) Ooh, definitely no school for you.
Or church.
(blubbering) Mrs.
Simpson, I would watch him very closely for the next couple of days.
Geez, I was thinking about taking him shopping for school clothes.
(high-pitched blubbering) Why not just buy a suit for his coffin.
Oh, okay.
Uh, somebody parked me in.
Toyota Corolla.
Well, it's got to be one of you.
Try the karate studio.
I tried the damn karate studio.
(groans) All right, it's me.
I blocked you in.
Okay? Sorry.
BART: Okay, time to fake me some PTSD.
(sniffs) And maybe bloodshot eyes.
Eh, too far.
(yawning loudly) Oh, I don't know, Homie.
The kids seem upset.
Oh, they'll be fine.
Marge, children and summer are natural enemies.
Now, why don't we mix things up? Tonight I'll be Penn and you be Teller.
Oh, okay! Uh! Teller doesn't talk.
(both moaning) (laughs) Ooh.
BART: Mom! Dad! I'm scared.
I can't sleep.
(whimpering) I'm sorry, Homie.
Bart's ten.
That could be the last tear that ever comes out of him.
He's sleeping here.
(whimpers) Take a hike, homeboy.
(Homer grumbling) What the hey? Just giving him his allowance.
This pamphlet on trauma they gave Bart is very alarming.
Loss of appetite? Thousand-yard stare.
- I'm not hungry.
- Where are you looking? A thousand yards away.
(gasps) No school for you, young man.
I'll set up the couch as a bed.
Can I put Homer's pillows under my butt? Of course.
You don't need pillows under your butt.
Your butt is pillows, genius.
The Itchy & Scratchy Show.
And now, Itchy and Scratchy perform their cutting-edge version of the "Sabre Dance.
" ("Sabre Dance" playing) (screams) - (laughs) - (TV clicks off) Mom, can I have a jelly bean sandwich for lunch? Mm, how about a fruit salad? Fruit? (sighs) What's the matter? That's what they served at camp.
Fine, jelly beans.
(groans) (disco music playing) (quietly): Marge, voulez vous rendezvous at the dog's bed? I can't move.
His head's on my arm.
(normal voice): Can you give me a foot rub? Also, we both have to sign this permission slip.
Uh, maybe we should just go to sleep.
Oof! Can't sleep, can't snuggle.
Gonna do the unthinkable.
Homie, what do you mean? Gonna go to work early.
(loud screeching gasp) (rooster crowing) Geez, there's a lot of spaces when you get in early.
Geez, there's a lot of donuts when you get in early.
Hot coffee? Whoever heard of such a thing? (grunting) Hmm.
I was supposed to read this when I started the job, but I didn't want the other workers to think of me as a nerd.
(alarm blaring, confused grunting) (alarm stops) What's he doing? - He's reading.
- Nerd.
Hey, Homer, settle a bet.
Red beans and rice or red beans on rice? Winner gets 3,000 bucks.
Sorry, guys, maybe another time.
Homer Simpson don't want to screw around.
That's like Aquaman moving to Phoenix.
You know, Lenny, seeing Homer acting responsible oh, Aquaman to Phoenix, I just got that uh, makes me want to buckle down and do my job.
You know, vice president of marketing.
Hey, if you need me, I'll be cold-calling people to see what they think of electricity.
(Homers chattering excitedly) Uh, Mr.
Smithers, I, uh, I noticed the plant's free subscription to Nuclear Safety magazine was hitting the six-month mark.
They're gonna start charging us the full newsstand price.
And no one pays those prices.
(chuckles): Nice catch, Simpson.
(cheering) So I had the idea to cancel it and sign up for another free trial under a new e-mail.
Wow! Simpson, something is very different about you.
(hushed voice): I am sexually frustrated.
Tell me about it.
Kamp Krusty! Kamp Krusty! Homie, listen.
No ketchup! No ketchup! Oh, no, not the hamburger dream.
(thunder rumbles) (Bart and Lisa gasping, screaming) (screams) Oh, my God, I really am traumatized.
I need help.
(gulps) Lis! Lis! (yawns) Can it wait till morning? Sure.
(birds chirping) Lis! Lis! Thanks for waiting till morning.
No problemo.
I had an actual nightmare about Kamp Krusty.
There was a body in a red life vest! (gasps) What else do you remember? We were canoeing.
We were in a storm.
(thunder rumbling) (gasps) (metal rumbling) It's coming back to me, too! Whatever happened must have been so horrible we repressed the memory.
But don't tell, because they'll make me miss school.
Maybe you should miss school.
I have perfect attendance.
You can't get that back! Okay, I'll bring your carriage around.
(imitates hoofbeats) Uh-oh, looks like snow.
Very funny, Bart.
(imitating farting) Stop it! (imitates farting) (yawns) (sighs) Made you breakfast.
I also made reservations for Mother's Day.
I know it's three months away, but you can't book too early.
Wow! (kisses loudly) Who's that guy? I don't know.
D'oh! Mr.
Burns, I noticed no one ever puts suggestions in the box.
So I took the liberty of making my own.
(chuckles) Excellent.
Simpson, I'm giving you a raise.
More money? But that's more than I make now! You've done so well, Simpson.
I'm giving you your own trap door button.
Oh, thank you! (kids chattering excitedly) (excited screaming) Excuse me.
Coming through.
Working out issues.
- - Boom-shakalaka.
I was at Kamp Krusty, too.
You don't see me freaking out every time I see (hoarsely): Red vest! Red vest! What does it mean? What does it mean? It means, young lady, that you're about to go to the head of the line.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
If everyone has a cut-the-line pass, no one has a cut-the-line pass.
LISA: Quit your whining! I'm riding the ride! While you were pouting, I did it again! (humming) (gasps) Oh.
Maggie's asleep, and the kids are still having fun at the park with Grampa.
We're alone.
(moaning) Marge, no! I've pledged my abstinence, like all the most successful rock stars.
Come on, mister.
I'm too tired to get my groove back.
It's all on you! No means no.
I looked it up in the dictionary.
No?! No?! You've never said "no.
" Hmm? Hmm.
Oh! Honey, I'm really sorry, but I'm here for you every way.
Except physically.
Also, spiritually and emotionally.
And I've never been good at zipping up dresses.
What are you saying? Men have accomplished unbelievable things when they've denied themselves whoopee.
The pointy pyramids of Egypt, the Duomo, which I now know is a thing.
You don't name a company "Microsoft" when you're getting some.
Oh, boy.
First the kids are screwed up, and now our marriage is? We need therapy.
(eerie theremin music plays) I said "therapy," not "theremin.
" Honest mistake.
Or was it? (eerie music plays) MASTERS: Welcome, Marge.
Homer, no need to take your pants off.
It's not what you think.
I just had a big lunch.
Just a series of questions for now.
Then the pants come off.
Now, let me be blunt.
Are you happy with your romantic life? My problem used to be too much satisfaction.
We hear that a lot.
But I'm afraid not so much lately.
Do you self-gratify? Yes.
I do everything but masturbate.
You know, this all started with our poor kids traumatized by a budget summer camp.
So many perfect marriages ruined by kids.
We tell them it's not their fault, when, of course, it's always their fault.
What you must do is return your children to this camp and face down their demons.
Wait, wait, wait, wait! There's so much more you can do when you don't think about sex.
That's why nuns are so successful.
You have to take the kids back to that camp.
Well, it beats hanging out with them.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we have some deviants coming in.
MOE: Hello? Anybody here? Yeah, I brought my lady.
She used to be the helicopter ride in front of the supermarket.
(rhythmic creaking) (mechanical clattering, bell dinging) (bell dings) Oh, uh, just finished.
All right, deviant out.
MARGE: My kids are a mess.
Homer's turned into the man I've always wanted, which I don't really want.
And for some reason, we're going back to Kamp Krusty.
ALL: Aw! (hisses) (all gasp) What happened to this place? People are wearing terrycloth bathrobes like they're ancient Romans.
Actually, more like Macedonians.
All right, come on, deer and pig.
It's time for you to mate and then fight to the death.
Didn't happen.
So, what do we do now, get naked? Ha-ha! I'm joking.
Unless you want to.
In which case, I've never been more serious.
So, um, uh, which is it? Don't want to.
Ah, good thing I was joking.
(chuckles nervously) Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar? Tyler stole the cookie from the cookie jar What, me? Yeah, you Couldn't be Then who? Courtney stole the cookie from the cookie jar I've heard enough.
Let's go, Courtney.
You, too, Tyler.
Hey, Bart, Bart, now's our chance to break out of here.
But I'm four loops away from finishing my potholder.
Now! Ugh! Marge, you know, it used to be I'd be tempted by every one of these places.
Now I just want to know where the business center is.
It's over there.
You can print up all the free boarding passes you want.
(moans): Oh! We didn't even fly here.
(groans) (grumbling) - Oh.
- (printer whirring) (playful growl) Bart, I've seen that shed before! Hey, I know your life is boring, but you don't have to advertise it.
(door creaks) (wind whistles) (both scream) (both scream) I'm remembering now.
We were trying to escape by canoe.
Come back! Everyone needs to watch the musical! We've rehearsed for three hours! But there was another kid with us.
LISA: (gasps) You're right! BART: His name was Charlie.
LISA: (gasps) I forgot because I was high on poster paint fumes.
BART: Quiet! We tipped over in the rapids.
(gasping) Oh, my God! Charlie didn't come back up! Hey, hey! Look who's back! Kamp Krusty alumni! We have reason to believe that someone was killed in this camp! Whoa! What happened to hello? (humming) Hard to concentrate with waves gently lapping on the shore.
(kissing grunts) Ooh! Marge, are you sure you want to do this? Mm, I think I still want the old you.
Everyone, down below the belt! Move, move, move! Don't leave anything up here! We will not be back! (violin playing "Adagio for Strings") Play something to put him in the mood! (playing "Boléro") Faster! (playing "Call to the Post") (grunting, kissing) These children would like to report a traumatic incident on the property.
(grunting) Poor Charlie.
Charlie? Did he have a red vest? Yes! Yes! Can you kids keep a secret? I can, but Lisa can't.
I told you that in confidence! Charlie! You're alive! And a man, I might add a very short man.
They like to be called "little people.
" Eh, not that much.
I was working undercover as a spy for Departures magazine.
They are everywhere.
Anyway, when the canoe flipped, I made my getaway.
LISA: But you didn't have your life vest.
CHARLIE: I'm a grown-up! I can swim! And vote! (whimpers quietly) Oh, my God! It's a miracle.
Whoa, I guess I really was traumatized.
And now I'm glad everything's all right.
So many stars.
Ever wonder how many worlds are out there, Homie? Pizza.
Want pizza.
And you.
That's my man.
For the fifth time today, I am not a diving platform! (snoring) TV ANNOUNCER: Next on Fox MALE SOUL SINGER: Oh, baby, baby.
Tonight's the night we're not gonna get it on.
And when I say never, I mean forever.
At my insistence, I will keep you at a distance.
Because My darling, you Have had enough of my love, babe Mm, baby, don't get upset
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