The Simpsons s28e19 Episode Script

Caper Chase

1 D'oh! (tires screeching) (grunts) (thunder crashes, electricity crackles) There's nothing too short that I can't cameo.
ANNOUNCER: Intramural softball, where even the most overweight tubbo can pretend to be an athlete.
(dramatic music plays) Play ball! (drunken clamoring) You play ball! - Hey! Oh! - Hey! Oh! This guy! Those Indian Point Nuclear jerks, they think they're so great because their fallout radius includes Manhattan.
How many Mets games can you postpone? Fuggettabowtit! - Hey! - Oh! - Pizza! - Tattoos! - Verrazano Bridge! Everyone is so out of shape.
It's like watching maple syrup play softball.
Yeah, Dad hit a home run five minutes ago and he's still rounding second.
(dramatic music plays) Let's just call it a triple.
(grunts) The triple, the most exciting play in baseball.
Except this time.
Fun fact: the odds of a baseball hitting a bird are one in a billion, but I've seen it four times.
- (crowd cheering) - MAN: We're out of beer! Burnsie, old buddy, you care for a cigar? Oh, thanks, but no.
If I inhale warmed air, I tend to float away.
(sighs) You ever think we're watching the last generation of nukemen? No one wants to go into this dirty business anymore.
Fiddle-faddle, nuclear power is the industry of tomorrow.
Oh, yeah? Says who? Life magazine, The Saturday Evening Stenograph, and Professor Noodle Stroodle and the Dove Soap March of Comedy.
Me? I'm thinking of getting into, uh, to solar.
I won't use it myself, I'll sell it to the poor people and the musicians.
Oh, not me.
I vow that nuclear power will continue long after my body is gone and my brain is in a shark that can walk on land.
I'll educate a new generation of nuclear workers.
And I'll find those bright-eyed radio-activists at my alma mater: Yale.
(grunts) (horn honks) Hey! Yo! - I'm eatin' Mister Softee over here! - (horn honks) Hey, kayak on the Hudson! (tires screech) It's always wonderful when a successful - And childless.
- alumnus returns.
It's delightful how you take turns sniffing after my money.
Now here's a group that was established in 1909.
I hate modern music.
To the tables down at Mory's To the place where Louie dwells To the dear old Temple Bar We love so well.
(chuckles) The Whiffenpoofs.
I'll buy you a new library if you have them killed.
So many have tried to kill them.
But other smug jackasses in white gloves would just take their place.
We can't be stopped.
Well, I am here to offer you money.
I'd like to endow a Department of Nuclear Plant Management.
Of course we can't do nuclear.
Our students are highly-entitled wusses.
You'd be creating a space for violence to happen.
How about funding a chair in the non-narrative cinema of self-identified pan-sexuals? What? What? What? What? What?! We also need to hire more deans to decide which Halloween costumes are appropriate.
Eight deans should do it.
(sputters) Is this still a coven of capitalism where evil money can acquire a patina of virtue? Yes, that's in our charter.
But with an issue as hetero-patriarchal as nuclear power, we'll have to hire multicultural empathizers, build a new safe space.
Not so fast.
We insist on a chair of anti-nuclear studies and a nuclear-neutral curriculum pathway.
Absolutely, Teddy.
We run all decisions past the squash team.
Also the fencing team, water polo and Handsome Dan the mascot.
(goofy laughter) Release me, you hound.
(goofy laughter) Oh, yeah.
What's happened to this place? (dramatic sting playing) (gasps) (gasps) This was the home of ruthless media disruptor Samuel F.
Who's his successor? That fellow? "Fellow"? That word is cis-gender-normative, okay? You're worse than Hitler! Too late for flattery.
I'm not giving this school a dime.
Former Bonesman! MAN: Living or dead? Living, but you'd better hurry.
Engage cloaking device.
Ah, nothing relaxes me like a stiff drink from the skull of Martin Van Buren.
Care for some Pancho Villa? Ugh.
Has everything in this school surrendered to diversity? Yale's on its way out.
That's why I started my own line of colleges.
287 campuses.
We took over all the old Circuit Citys.
Really? Using teachers these holier than thou Ivies fired for cause.
I celebrated Columbus Day.
I, uh, referred to God as "He.
" I got five students pregnant.
Hmm, I could start my own college.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We can't talk business in here.
Just general schemes for world domination.
Fraternal handshake? Oh, all right.
You are on my radar.
(slurping) (grunting) (crackling) What you doing, Mr.
B? I never want to see the word "Yale" again.
We're changing all our locks to Schlage.
Eh, to be honest, I'm thinking of starting my own college.
You can make a big fat profit.
A for-profit college? Eh, that's where I went.
University of Phoenix, Oklahoma in Washington State.
At least that's where it was last month.
It moves around quite a bit.
A for-profit college? You said that already, sir.
A for-profit college? - ("Pomp and Circumstance" plays) - Excellent.
(chuckles) And now for your first economics lesson.
So long, suckers! (screaming) Boola Boola? (sinister chuckle) Moola moola.
and you can't make it without a college degree.
But for some reason worthy students don't always get in.
Students these days don't have four years to waste at a fully-accredited institution.
Burns University will grab you by the pants and fling you into the job of your dreams.
Elder care associate.
(boing noise) Museum manager, nighttime.
(boing noise) TV re-capper.
(boing noise) BURNS: Burns University gives you a degree you can print on your computer.
Out of the sight of the law.
I'm proud to be the first in my family to earn non-transferable credits.
I've made a billion dollars through ruthless backstabbing.
But now, for no apparent reason, I seem to be helping young people.
So start your future today.
Because at Burns University ALL: Your life gets the full Monty! (chuckles) What are you laughing at? Does "the Full Monty" have some sort of naughty double meaning? I believe in miracles Where you from You sexy thing If only our faculty could be hired so easily.
Oh, but we already have a faculty: them! Sir, these people can barely run the plant, much less teach on the side.
Smithers, when you think of teachers, what do you think of? Low-paid workforce with no healthcare in a toxic environment.
And there you have them.
Just pull them off one-by-one till the power stops.
We'll be fine.
(Marge humming) What are you teaching, Dad? I'm giving lectures on what I do at work.
Well, what do you do at work? Well, I you know, the button stuff.
Have you prepared a reading list? I have to read? - No, it's for them.
- Whoo-hoo! (groans) But what are you actually gonna say to them? I'll start with the life cycle of the atom.
A baby atom is called a "neutron," when it turns professional, it becomes a proton.
And if it runs for office, it's an electron.
(Lisa gulping, sighs) Lisa, did you just drink that? (slurred): How'd you guess? No, "sheriously.
" Oh, wow.
Wow, my first slurred word.
Dad, a college education is important.
It's my only hope for getting me out of this pardon me, Mom dump.
Lisa, go to bed right now.
- Oh, keep your pants on, lady.
Dad! - (gasps) Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad! I believe in higher education.
You are a teacher.
If you make a joke out of it, (voice breaking): you are crushing my only hope.
(sobbing) As the good kid here, I have to point out she's acting very badly.
For shame.
Lisa, sweetie, my professor money's going into your college fund.
Ooh, that's good, I guess.
How much is in it now? Depends on what we do with Grampa after he dies.
Just burn me! Ooh, well, that's the most expensive option I'm considering.
BURNS: Welcome to Burns University.
Don't park at Del Taco.
Our motto: Ut uberiores divites.
Well, doesn't that mean "The rich get richer"? Ooh, this prestigious school doesn't need Latin-translating troublemakers.
You're expelled! (dog barking) When do I throw this in the air? You're a professor, so you don't throw it.
In fact, you hardly ever wear it.
Geez, I had this custom-made.
Apartheid's over, Lenny.
It worked! Mm-hmm.
Man, copying is so hard.
Any questions? Yes.
What does it mean? Uh, what do you think it means? Remember, there are no wrong answers.
Well, I would guess that, uh, three neutrons coming out when only one went in, uh, leads to some kind of chain reaction.
There's always a class clown.
Ten-minute coffee break.
Um, any of you homies want to sell Schedule I narcotics to a fellow teenager? You're a teenager? What year were you born? Hey, you're not the cop around here.
I am! - (groans) - What? Oh, right, my cover.
Seriously, people.
Some of us are here to learn.
Professor, half-life of radium, if you please.
Don't look at book! Ugh.
You're crushing me.
What the hell is that? Guys.
You know what? It's a beautiful day.
Why don't we have class outside? Yes, that's it.
Go on outside.
I'm totally unqualified.
I don't even know how to get outside from here.
That's the answer! Oh, wait.
Hey, what's the matter, Professor? He don't know what to teach his class.
Homer's just not cut out to be a pedagogue.
That's easy.
You just got to register.
Stay away from playgrounds.
Oh, you said "pedagogue.
" (sighs) So this is what it's like to fail at something.
LISA: I can help you, Dad.
Aw, if it isn't Daddy's little wino.
No, I'm clean.
One day clean.
Yeah, I know that tune.
Just come with me.
You don't have time to learn anything, but at least you can have a sense of mission.
I got these for you.
Dead Poets Society, Stand and Deliver.
Each one a portrait of a great teacher, told by Hollywood.
Played by stars, each one paid more than a teacher makes in a million lifetimes.
I always cry at the end of Goodbye, Mr.
Chips is my name for my Fritos.
Just watch the movies.
ROBIN WILLIAMS (over TV): Words and ideas can change the world.
Oh, look at the world! It just did a boom-boom in its pants.
You, you change it.
Go to the woodshop and make yourself a push broom.
You're gonna need it.
It's not a tumor.
Oh, they were great.
They inspired me.
And the best part is where they show the real guy over the credits.
He looks just like the actor but fatter.
- (snoring) - (door slams) Okay, listen up.
All it takes to be a great teacher is to care.
And I care.
So I'm a great teacher.
I don't like you, and you don't like me, but I'm your only ticket out of the barrio.
¿Comprende, ése? I understand.
I understand plenty.
Do you know you can get a hot shower by hooking up your hose to your car radiator? Towel off with the floor mat and feel like a king.
Ah, cha-cha-cha, cha-cha-cha.
Now he can bring the rest of the Latin Kings in line.
Okay, first lesson.
(whistle blows) (Lenny shouts) Always watch out for a little rod falling into the back of your shirt.
I do it, like, every week.
Now remember, your chair has three levers: down, back and lock.
Down, back and lock.
- Together.
- ALL: Down, back and lock! Down, back and lock! Down, back and lock! Down, back and lock! Carpe diem! So, Andre, is it true? You're dropping out of my class? May I ask why? I well, I I-I want to go back to counseling at-risk teens.
No, Andre.
You don't get to throw your life away.
I'll be here for every class.
Carpe diem.
Carpe diem.
Just what does that mean, by the way? Fish for a dime, my friend.
Fish for a dime.
(mechanical whirring) How much are we charging for hugs, Smithers? Five dollars.
But, uh, I'll give you one for free.
Monty, I want to buy the whole school.
But it must include Homer Simpson.
He is a great teacher.
But first I must find out how much he's worth to the plant.
(whispers indistinctly) I see.
It seems I owe you a hundred thousand dollars.
Great lecture, Professor S.
I finally understand how gamma rays turned Bruce Banner into the Hulk.
Always remember the equation, "gamma equals green.
" Man, I wish you were my father, Dad.
Uh, Simpson, I've sold your contract.
No! You cannot stop me from teaching.
I was going to paint houses in the summer.
Nothing will stop the greatest teacher in the world from painting houses! Oh, calm down.
You'll be working for this man at his private estate.
What? Me? Alone? Without my kids? Yes.
Sounds good.
Who are you? The owner of more for-profit colleges than anyone in the world.
But these students are going to miss you.
Thank you! I just want to say, each and every one of you gets an incomplete! I can't hear him.
Can you? Nope.
Love was the test.
And you all passed.
(screeches) PILOT: Uh, folks, we'll be landing at Mr.
Verlander's secret estate shortly.
A flight attendant will be coming by to put a blindfold over your eyes.
Cabin crew, please wipe your memory and prepare for landing.
Which way do I go? Uh, use the map! D'oh! Homer Simpson.
AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Voice does not match file from 1989.
(Walter Matthau voice): Let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes.
Welcome, Homer Simpson.
Hmm? You unload your own dishwasher? Yeah.
If you don't, you get a, a funny smell.
Now, come in.
Are you tired from your trip? Let's get you a refreshing cryofreeze.
Rejuvenating, huh? It opens your pores.
Uh, what happens if I pee in this? Are you just asking? Or did you already pee in it? I'm asking for a friend.
So what's our next activity? I hope it's not square dancing.
I'd like you to meet the rest of my guests.
Homer, say hello to the greatest educators in the world.
Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist.
The Solar System is over four and a half billion years old.
Jeopardy! champion of champions, Ken Jennings.
Who is "glad to meet you"? Financial educator Suze Orman.
You are not allowed to buy a Mercedes until you pay off your credit cards.
Great, now you tell me.
Screenwriting guru Robert McKee.
Welcome to the act three climax, resolution of story and subplots.
I expect you're wondering why I've assembled a team of the world's greatest teachers.
To teach something.
To somebody.
Well, there are only six basic plots.
Rise-fall, fall-rise, steady fall, steady rise, black cop-white cop, and stop that wedding.
Well, here's what I'm up to.
This is Sallie.
And these are Sallie.
And those are Sallie! And those are Sullys.
Robot replicas of the greatest pilot of all time.
He lost all their bags.
No one talks about that.
You are the greatest living educators, of humans.
But now you must face the greatest challenge of your lives: Can you teach an artificial intelligence? To teach a robot.
Now you've compounded my interest.
That was a very useful time cut.
Now, let's find out what's going on.
Leave that to me, Robert.
What's going on? I'll tell you, and I won't kill you afterwards.
What? This is a student loan application.
Sallie Sallie Mae? The Federal Student Loan Program? You're creating an army of robots so advanced that they can get student loans.
That's right.
These stu-bots or ro-dents, if you prefer will attend the universities I've been buying up and funnel billions of taxpayer dollars to me.
That's it.
As Americans, it's our duty to either stop evil billionaires or elect them to the highest office.
Well, we've done it.
You're all up to your polyurethane necks in debt and heading to Yale.
Follow me.
SALLIES: Boola Boola.
Boola Boola.
Good luck, Homer.
Will I see you at the last minute saving the day? Nah, too clichéd.
The Sallies have blended right in.
We've got 12 productions of The Crucible going on, and the deepest Division III women's lacrosse team the world has ever seen.
(Homer murmuring) They're perfect students in every way.
And that's their weakness.
Bleep, blop, bloop.
Bleep, bloop, blorp.
I am a robot, too.
My father was a toaster.
He's in botface.
That's unbelievably offensive.
Cultural appropriation.
- Offensive.
- Offensive.
ALL: Offensive.
Dear Lord, those teachers made them too human.
You've ruined me.
Well, not completely.
I still have my health.
So, how much will it cost if my daughter applies in ten years? $2,000.
That's not so bad.
- That's the application fee.
- Oh, yeah.
Lisa, do you see the rings of Saturn? I do.
The question is, what is five-sixths? Marge, listen to me.
You can't fix stupid.
You have to kill him for the insurance.
I've always said these tags are pointless.
Story's over.
Good night.
To the tables down at Mory's To the place where Louie dwells To the dear old Temple Bar We love so well Sing the Whiffenpoofs assembled With their glasses raised on high And the magic of their singing casts its spell Yes, the magic of their singing Of the songs we love so well.
BURNS: Release the hounds.
(hounds growling) (people screaming) Shh!
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