The Simpsons s28e20 Episode Script

Looking for Mr. Goodbart

1 Rock-a-bye baby In the treetop When the wind blows The cradle will rock When the bough breaks The cradle will fall And down will come baby Cradle and all.
Sweet dreams.
(light switch clicks) The whole Fox Network was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago They began a TV show Then Bart tried to sell his soul Lisa turned to vegetables, Grampa started fighting bulls - Springfield built a wall - The Who played on the top Carl, Lenny, Barney, Moe And a fat bald guy who hollers "d'oh" It all started with The Simpsons, d'oh! - I'm just a gigolo - Gigolo - And everywhere I go - Gigolo - People know the part - Gigolo, gigolo - I'm playing - Gigolo, gigolo, gigolo - Paid for every dance - Gigolo Showtime.
Ooh, and they're sayin' Gigolo, gigolo, gigolo Your tea, Nana.
- (laughs) - Sweet darling boy.
BART: I know what you're thinking.
This must be some kind of prank.
Is there laxative in the punch bowl? Well, there is, but their doctors prescribed that.
I've changed.
I've become pinchable.
You look confused.
Why don't I start from the beginning? Grandpa, Grandma We love you We will show what school can do We cleaned our desk, we learned this song Teachers beat us when you're gone Grandma, grandpa, you're the best Now you can be laid to rest.
Simpson.
Those lyrics are unapproved and not that funny.
Come with me.
Hey, Skinner.
Sure, you're tough enough to punish a little boy, but what about a Marine Corps veteran? Oh.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, Seymour.
Note to my mom or detention? Which of your two lame weapons are you gonna unleash on me? I have other weapons.
SKINNER: I have no other weapons.
Seymour, walk me to the bus stop.
Mother, what are you doing here? I wanted to make sure you remember that I think your job is stupid.
Simpson, I thought of your punishment.
Bart here will walk you to the bus stop.
That'll kill two birds with one stone.
(chuckles) First time a worm ever killed a bird.
(Bart laughs) LENNY: Okay, Lenny, don't be nervous.
This is the big one.
Gotcha! Where am I? (scoffs) You walked in the core.
Yeah, we better seal this thing up tight.
(meows) I'm playing Peekimon Get, see? That's a wild Rotata.
That has got to be the stupidest game I've ever heard of.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
It's really a kids' game.
And it's silly for me to Quiet, I'm playing it.
(air horn blows) Quitting time.
Three-day weekend.
(Homer yelping in panic) Haw-haw! Bart's holding hands With an old lady Who seems kind of sweet And my grandmas are gone One's in jail, and one's in dirt jail.
Back in a flash, Grandmama.
Try not to win any beauty pageants while I'm gone.
Oh.
(laughs) Agnes! Oh, you just missed my perfect little Martin.
Eh, I saw him.
He's beefing up, that's for sure.
Don't you love Grandparents' Day? I get to meet all the little boys Martin snitches on.
Is that your grandson? Or is this just a a pity walk? - He's not - A pity walker? I love my Gam-Gam.
Ha.
You hear that? Gam-Gam.
What's your pet name? Gram-Gram.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
I can't believe Martin left you alone in this cold hallway.
Thanks, Peaches.
You're a gift to this world.
You deserve to be wrapped up, Gam-Gam.
- Gam-Gam-Gam.
- (laughs) Gam-Gam-Gam.
For you, Grandmama.
A diorama of the sky from the night you were born.
Give me your sweater.
But-but without it, I'm nippley.
(both laugh) You hear that? Oh, no BART: Nippley.
I always wanted a grandson.
A cute little guy I could take to the circus and the movies.
Someone I could spoil rotten.
I'm halfway there, ma'am.
Well, this is my bus.
Goes right by the candy store, eh? Don't take my mother, I need her to make me French toast! Egg yolks scare me Ooh, a Rattlesnitch.
(rattling) (laughing, whooping) Got it.
- Got it.
- Lo tango.
Duffman has got it.
Got it.
- Got it.
- Got it.
Got it.
Got it.
- Got it.
- Got it.
Now that's a spicy Peekiball.
Got it.
(gibbering) And so Aw, I didn't get it.
Won't anyone help me? Got it, and no.
Now Maggie, there's no monster under your bed.
Ooh, there is one on your face.
Oh, man, there's like a million in here.
Here's the phone, so you can see them.
Nighty night.
(creatures growling) In the gospel according to Luke, uh (sighs) If you two don't mind.
Look this game is, or at least was, bigger than Jesus, okay? Hmm, that's a pretty low bar these days.
Ah, Skunk-a-san.
Why can't I capture you? (screams) It's real! D'oh! (gargling) (moaning) Sprayed by a skunk.
Homie, that game's too dangerous.
The game was fine.
Reality was dangerous.
And could you move a little to your left? There's a Stumble-Bee right behind you.
Oh, is there any fad you don't take too far? The aerobics ones.
Mom, what Dad could use is a co-player, who makes sure he doesn't get hurt.
Because the game is good for him.
You can see that he's lost weight from the walking.
I'm using the factory holes on my belt.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
Lisa, why are you interested? Because it's the greatest game ever.
In this world, I can throw a ball.
Hmm, okay.
(grunts) I'd prefer if you didn't turn your skunk bath into a giant cocktail.
Ugh.
One damn rule after another around here.
Peekisaurus at the Kwik-E-Mart.
Please come in.
Enjoy your game from which I do not make a dime.
(laughs) I'll be darned if this little critter doesn't look like your god.
And I'll be darned if this sad wino doesn't look like your god.
Do unto Snickers as you would have Snickers do unto you.
Oh.
Well.
Such good manners.
I went out to get you some sneakers.
The kind that gang members wear.
BART: Heaven.
But I couldn't help thinking, why settle for one golden goose, when you can have a gaggle? Bessie, have I seen your grandkids in church? No.
I don't have any grandchildren.
Here's my headshot.
BESSIE: Oh BART: In fights with your children, I take your side.
(gasps) And what's this? I have a loose tooth.
Oh! (Bart chuckles) BART: It might've felt more like a lie if I had to say the word "grandmother.
" Fortunately, my ladies like to be called anything but.
Good morning, Momo.
I love you, Geema.
Momtom! Na-nee! Ugogo! Waipo.
Hey, who wants a box full of firecrackers? They won't light up the night like you.
Aw.
Man, nothing beats ladies in their 80s.
Twice my age plus 60.
Perfect.
(screaming) (whirring) (steam whistle blows) Ketchup? In my kitchen? Never! (laughs) (whistling) Bart? Hey, Mom.
Want a pep-o-mint drop? Yes, but since when do you carry those? Oh, I got it all.
Altoids, butterscotch candy, Jelly Bellies, and Turkish delight.
(phone ringing) Hello? It's someone named Gertie.
Is that a girl in your class? I know a lot of Gerties.
Did it sound like she was talking through her throat? Uh, I'll just give you the phone.
GERTIE (through electrolarynx): Hello, sweetie, I didn't know if you wanted PlayStation or Xbox, so I got both.
Maw-maw? I ordered so many toys, you get free shipping.
Oh, so thoughtful.
Interested? My card.
Book now for Christmas.
I was juggling 50 shades of gray.
I've been watching you.
I know exactly what you're up to.
I'm not up to anything, lady.
(through electrolarynx): This is for you.
Thanks for coming to my brother's wake.
It's what I do.
You are a cold little customer.
Agreed.
Now, are we done here? Because I've got birthday checks to deposit.
I've got birthdays like Lindy's has pickles.
Do you even know what that means? Do you? What is this? Pick On the Con Artist Day? I'll pay you $100 to pick me up, four days in a row, from the Sunnyday Nursing Home.
Sunnyday, that's on Fifth, right? Yes.
Ask for Phoebe Pratt.
Oh, my dear, you look like Cybil Shepherd.
I am Cybil Shepherd.
Impossible, Cybil Shepherd is notoriously difficult.
Aah! Oh, my God, everyone, it's Cybil Shepherd! So it turns out you can buy Peeky creatures with real money.
But the fun of the game is catching them, not buying them.
Lisa, I can think of no better investment than invisible creatures that are part of an over-hyped, passing fad.
- Please? - I'm in.
You know, I'm really starting to like you.
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
I'm here for Phoebe.
Weren't you just here for Eunice? Hey, a guy can have two grandmothers.
Look it up.
All right, you've served your purpose.
Good-bye.
A hundred bucks to walk you to the curb? Sunnyday is a secure facility.
A family member must sign me out.
Why are you there? You seem normal.
Happy anniversary.
Got it! My family fear I'll wander off into some forest.
So where are you going? Well, that forest over there.
Mm, I better come with you.
Those woods are full of bullies.
So, did you get it? Yep, here's the orzo.
You idiot, you were supposed to get ouzo.
Orzo is, like, thick, brown rice.
You're like thick, brown rice.
(grunting) It's good stuff.
So, Pheebs, tell me about yourself.
I'm a nature photographer.
Wow, two things that won't exist in 20 years.
Oh, you're quite good at taking the piss out of someone.
Wait, that's okay to say? Taking the piss.
Taking the piss.
Taking the piss, taking the piss.
Taking the piss.
Have you gotten that out of your system? I'll get up in the middle of the night and say one more.
Poor old buck.
Probably the last spring he'll make it up the mountain.
Want me to throw a rock at it? No! He'll know when his time has come.
We all do.
(bellows) Hey, I got to be me.
Right, it's been four days.
As we agreed.
Um, I don't feel right taking your money.
I bequeath this to you.
"Bequeath"? - What does that mean? - Oh, look it up.
Good-bye, Bart.
(snoring) Aah! I'm having brunch with my little man and I need the bus pass.
Mother, you know that boy is a ne'er-do-well and possibly a scofflaw.
Seymour, it's time you lived your life.
I will live my life.
And I'll start by leaving my hair mussed up.
MRS.
SKINNER: And comb that hair.
I'll finger-comb it, is what I'll do.
BART: Oh, bequeath Bequeath, bequeath.
I can't believe she's making me do this.
I'm gonna look up a word.
How do you look up a word? I'd like to look up a word.
Give me your phone.
- What's the word? - "Bequeath.
" This means something you give away when you die.
She must be sick.
How much do I owe you? Oh, no, it's five dollars.
I'm here to see Phoebe, it's kind of a surprise.
But she left this morning.
She said you were waiting outside and I didn't bother to check.
What kind of a nursing home are you running here? Oh, is it panic you want? Patient missing! Patient missing! What's with you, Judy? He knows my name.
(alarm blaring) Those tracks were made by tennis balls, Lou.
Get me files on Pete Sampras and the Williams sisters.
BART: I realized she had me pick her up four days in a row so the home's guard would be down and she could leave on her own.
But why? He'll know when his time has come.
We all do.
Can't believe I missed that.
Or this.
Don't tell anyone, I plan to off myself.
Okay, these Peekimon cheats cost us 600 bucks.
No one but you or I must know.
I'm starting to suspect that trophy was not real gold.
Can we talk about something else? Absolutely.
After you put your fingerprints on this knife.
Dad! It's a cake knife.
I just had an extra piece.
Two extra pieces.
Okay, two extra cakes.
But all cakes are pieces of something bigger.
Just touch the knife.
Dad, why are you making me hide things from Mom? You're right.
That's my job.
Well, it's my fault too.
No, sweetie, no more secrets.
From now on we're an open book.
- Guys! - How much did you hear? We may have to get rid of the boy.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- I need you to look for something.
- Forget it.
I learned from Peekimon that's a slippery slope.
Especially that time I fell down a slippery slope.
Look, this isn't a stupid game.
I'm looking for a lady who may be in trouble.
- Is it Patty? - No.
- Is it Selma? - No! Let's roll.
This is where we used to go.
Bart, what were you up to? Being the perfect grandson.
For our grandma? No, for everybody but her.
Now please, we got to find Phoebe.
Well, we'll need the help of experienced Peekimon searchers.
Hmm.
This is who we're looking for.
Oh, you're no fun.
What's her Peeki-name? Um Dame Judi Dentures.
(searchers laugh) And her point value? I don't know, a zillion? (all exclaim) Okay, let's do it.
LISA: I want to be the very best This is my new career HOMER: And then take a long, long rest And celebrate with beer LISA: I will travel across the land Catching beasts who've done no crime HOMER: Playing games made in Japan I love to waste my time LISA: This is fun for everyone Even babies play the game Maggie cannot Say a word But watch her stab and kill and maim.
I found something.
(owl hoots, bone crunches) Peekimon searchers, huh? Well, that's the stupidest thing I've ever Found her! (voice breaking): Oh, my God.
Hello.
Oh, I-I seem to have fallen asleep in this forest with apparently excellent Wi-Fi.
Uh, yes, all the trees are cell phone towers.
What are you doing out here? Oh I'll-I'll admit I-I had some dark thoughts and I used you to escape from the home.
But once I got out here by myself, completely free, I realized there's so much to live for.
And I want my camera back.
Can we still hike sometimes? Yes, and we could go inside that mill house you love so much.
Milhouse is not a place, it's a nerd.
Oh, well, there you go.
BART: So that's it.
I learned playing with women's hearts is a dangerous game.
And it's wrong to take advantage of the elderly.
And Grampa? I'm sorry I embarrassed you on Grandparents' Day.
Geez! I thought my stories were long.
- Homer? - Uh what? I know about the $600.
You're right, Marge.
We spent too much.
Bart was a gigolo.
What are you gonna do? Be mad at the world? (groans) Maybe you could say something to make me feel better.
The kids are fine.
The game is a fad, and in no time at all you'll be worried about something else.
Huh, I do feel better.
Hmm, you know, the last couple of pies I baked haven't been great.
There you go.
I like your hair.
Finger-combed? Yes, because I decide how my hair looks.
MRS.
SKINNER: Seymour! Just wanted to tell you I'm here with a real man.
My silhouette's replacing yours on the stairs.
(Milhouse chuckles) So enjoy your meal, son.
I'm buying dessert.
Oh, that's so nice.
For you, not that son-snatcher.
(grumbles) LISA: I want to be the very best This is my new career HOMER: I want to give this game a rest I've been playing since last year SEA CAPTAIN: I play it on my little boat Sitting in a cove Yar.
OTTO: I ran my bus right off a cliff Was playing while I drove LISA: This fad was hot And then was not These things come and go HOMER: All I know is once again I wasted lots of dough.
(snarling, growling) Shh!