The Simpsons s29e03 Episode Script

Whistler's Father

1 (CHOIR SINGING BACKWARDS) (MUFFLED SCREAM) (SCHOOL BELL RINGS) (BELCHES) - (WORK WHISTLE BLOWS) - (SCREAMS) (SUCKING) (CONVEYOR BEEPING) (PLAYS JAZZ MELODY) (BRAKES SQUEAL) D'oh! (SCREAMS) (SUCKING) - Homer.
- Hey.
- Homer.
- Huh? What? - I'll be right home.
- You are home.
(WHOOPS, SNORES) Homer.
Homer, wake up, please.
I can't sleep.
I'm having friends over tomorrow.
- Luann Van Houten.
- Back-stabber.
- Bernice Hibbert.
- Snob.
And Helen Lovejoy.
Okay, she's pretty hot.
I mean, hot for a reverend's wife, but so judgmental.
(SIGHS) I was going to ask you if you could watch Maggie.
Oh, yeah, of course.
What do you suspect? - (GULPS) - (SUCKS) Isn't this great? Daddy-baby alone time.
Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
(SQUEALS AND LAUGHS) - Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
- (SIGHS) - Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
- Meh.
- Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
- (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Where's Daddy? Peek-a-boo.
Oh, you're sick of it already? I was gonna do different people.
Peek-a-boo-ooh! (WITH BRITISH ACCENT): I'm afraid, Master Wayne, it's time for peek-a-boo.
Ah, come on.
Nothing? Babies love Michael Caine.
What to do? What to do? What to do.
What to do.
Mags, I'll level with you.
I love you, kiddo, but we are in two completely different worlds.
- (GULPS) - (SUCKS) - More lemonade, ladies? - No, thank you.
I've had better lemonade at Ralph Wiggum's stand.
And he stirs it with his finger.
(LAUGHING) So we've been asked to redecorate the school room where the kids wait when their ride is late.
I have some ideas.
Marge, you have many wonderful talents, but your sense of style is, uh - One of them? - I'm afraid not.
Purple and orange cupboards, oh, corncob curtains, rabbit ears on the TV.
It's like we're visiting the Flintstones.
(LAUGHING) Well, since you don't like my style, maybe I should show you the door.
You mean the brown door next to the hot pink walls.
Just like at the circus.
Well, an elephant does live here.
An elephant? You're calling my husband an elephant? HOMER: Marge, we got any more peanuts? (GROANING): Oh, Homer.
Hmm.
No.
(WHISTLING) What the? (WHISTLING) Is it that bird? (WHISTLING) - Marge! Are you making tea? - MARGE: Yes.
- Whew.
- MARGE: Iced tea.
(WHIMPERING): What the hell? (WHISTLING CONTINUES) RADIO ANNOUNCER: This is WHIS.
Whistling at you all day and night.
WHIS, The Whistle.
Ah.
Whistling format radio.
- (WHISTLING CONTINUES) - Huh? Where is that whistling coming from? (WHISTLES) Maggie? (WHISTLES) (WHISTLES) It is you! It's so odd I'm a terrible whistler.
- Always have been.
- (SAD WHISTLE) There must be a reason you were given this gift.
(GASPS) It's to make people think I can whistle.
(WHISTLING "1812 OVERTURE") AUDIENCE (CHANTING): Homer! Homer! Homer! And now I will perform "Flight of the Bumblebee.
" (WHISTLING "FLIGHT OF THE BUMBLEBEE") Who was that president? He looked pretty generic.
I do too have taste.
- I'm afraid not.
- (GROWLS) Corncob curtains.
Mom, what's wrong? Why aren't you answering me? I'm right here.
Honey, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, but I'll show them.
I'll make a late pickup room like that school has never seen.
That'll be easy, there's never been one.
(BRAKES SQUEAL) Well, what do you think of my late pickup room? It's wonderful.
Hard to believe it's the same room they found all those dead rats in.
(LAUGHS) Well, maybe you can fool the Hibberts, but to me, this is the work of a Genius.
Salud.
(GIGGLES) Well, gee.
Guess who got a job today.
- You? - Nope.
The guy who went in after me.
I-I totally set him up.
Listen, I recently purchased the old post office to renovate.
Would you like to be my interior decorator? Well, ladies.
Looks like someone appreciates me The one man in town who trims his nails.
Is one of them giving you trouble? There's no room in the trunk, boss.
- Bodies? - No.
Bottled water and toilet paper, remember? We made that Costco run.
(BEAUTIFULLY WHISTLING "OLD MACDONALD HAD A FARM") Now do it backwards.
(WHISTLING SAME TUNE BACKWARDS) Now sideways.
Hey, come on.
She's just a baby.
Who is? Uh, my talent.
Makes sense.
Well, well, well.
Seems like my no-talent son can suddenly whistle.
Tell me, Homer, how'd you trill that high "C" with your lips in second position? (WHISTLING) Oh, it's amazing.
She's got my whistling gene, all right.
Which, unfortunately, skips a generation.
I hope it works out better for you than it did for me.
I was booked on the top whistling show on radio, Your Blow of Blows, with Sid Wheezer.
(APPLAUSE) Good evening, folks.
Sid Wheezer here, sipping a delicious Buzz Cola.
(FIZZING, LIQUID POURING, CYMBAL CRASHES) Ah, refreshing.
Keep polio at bay, the Buzz Cola way.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, thanks a lot.
Our next act is a swell kid from right here in Springfield.
His hobby is straightening elbow macaroni.
(CHUCKLES) Let's here it for Little Abraham Simpson.
(APPLAUSE) (WHISTLES A TUNE) GRAMPA: Then I got cocky.
Tried a little stunt called the Triple Windy.
(WHISTLING "HEART AND SOUL" IN HARMONY) - (RIPPING) - (GASPING) GRAMPA: Blew out the ligaments in my lips.
Had to hire guys to kiss my girlfriend.
It was a good deal.
I'd pay for five minutes, but it would go on for hours.
When the time was right, I'd make my move.
But this little magpie, she's got my gift.
And now she's going into showbiz.
Couldn't showbiz screw her up? You know, like it did Ron Howard? He hasn't won an Oscar since 2002.
Oh, please, son, do this for me.
Dad, you should not live your life through your granddaughter.
(WHISTLING "HEART AND SOUL" IN HARMONY) You poor guy.
She'll do it.
(BIRDS CHIRPING, SQUAWKING) Okay, Maggie.
Time to learn a happy tune from these imprisoned birds.
(WHISTLES) (WHISTLES SAME TUNE) Man, Maggie's talented, Lisa's talented.
- What am I good at? - The birds love ya.
Well, yeah, but they also love Grampa.
Go ahead, but my blood's turned to bile from watching Fox News.
(SHRIEKS, THUD) (LAUGHS) This is my new property, the original Springfield Post Office, jewel of the implosion district.
(RUMBLING) You'll get used to that.
We'll definitely want to try to keep the original facade.
Yes, indeed.
I'm all about keeping up facades.
Is it okay if I take some foundation measurements? Of course.
In case she sees something she shouldn't, have a hood ready.
(GUN HAMMERS CLICK) - (GUNSHOT) - (GASPS) Idiota! You whack who you shouldn't, and you don't whack who you should.
(SIGHS) Is this about your brother again? (UPBEAT SHOWBIZ MUSIC PLAYING) You're gonna love this baby! - She whistles! - This I gotta hear Not because I am looking forward to it, but because it is my job.
- (WHISTLES CIRCUS MUSIC) - Fantastic talent! Now, move along I have a heart attack at 4:00.
And here it comes.
Ooh! Oy vey! ("THE SIMPSONS THEME" PLAYS) You sit on it, you bought it.
Due! Can you picture this water feature at the back wall of the foyer? My sainted mother shared your gift.
Where others saw only an empty Chianti bottle, she saw a candle holder.
We would have to rip out some walls.
Done.
You won't be seeing those walls no more.
Why do these guys come with us for everything? Have you noticed how we are not dead? That is mostly due to them.
Give the wall job to the Palermo brothers.
Tell them to make it look like an accident.
We'll make that wall dig its own grave.
(SOMEONE WHISTLING ARPEGGIOS) (WHISTLED ARPEGGIOS CONTINUE) What's that whistling? You know what they say in a marriage, don't ask a question you don't know the answer to.
That's what they say to defense attorneys.
Marge, how would you feel if I kept a big secret from you? How would you feel if I kept a big secret from you? - Good night.
- Good night.
(SOMEONE WHISTLING ARPEGGIOS) (WHISTLING ARPEGGIOS) Maggie, you can whistle? (WHISTLES ARPEGGIO) (GASPS) You're gifted, too! Maybe more gifted! No, no, I will not get caught in that trap that only one of us is good.
We could both be good, like the South Park guys.
Except Trey does everything.
Trey does everything! (PANTING) (MAGGIE WHISTLES ARPEGGIO) Diva.
This little piggy went to Broadway.
This little piggy worked with Stallone.
This little piggy got a Showtime special! - (LAUGHING) - (SQUEALING HAPPILY) I'm a great father.
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on Hollywood Nightmares, - What?! - Child stars, prison bars.
- (PRISON BARS CLACK) - Ooh! At three months old, Skyler Green could already patty-cake.
By age one, she was the opening act for Frank Sinatra Jr.
Jr.
III.
But after a disastrous Super Bowl halftime show that left Jacksonville's EverBank Field in ruins, Skyler's life would spin out of control.
She began a downward spiral, woke up too many mornings with stuffed animals whose names she didn't know, and she was arrested twice for former cuteness, under the Scott Baio Law.
Patty-cake, patty-cake, baker's man, bake me a train wreck just as fast as you can.
Oh, my God.
Am I doing this for you, or because it makes me feel good? A showbiz kiss! There's nothing more sincere than that.
We'll do it! (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS) Marge, I love what you've done here.
It's as much "Mwah!" as it is "Ey! Whoa!" It certainly was a challenge so many bedrooms.
You must be expecting a lot of sleepover guests.
Is she, er, uh, one of the, uh? No, no.
She's the decorator.
But I can get one like her.
Add it to my customer profile.
Er, uh, yes.
Dim lighting, honky-tonk piano Anthony D'Amico, what is the repute of this house? Ill.
Our top story you didn't see me.
This is John Doe saying "Good night.
" Why is everyone being so weird? Did the principal call? 'Cause he's got nothing to call about.
(PHONE BUZZES) (ANIMAL GROWLING) I can't keep this mountain lion in my bedroom forever, Bart.
Just four more days.
(MOUNTAIN LION YOWLS) So listen, uh, I'm gonna take Maggie out for a walk.
These spray-on boas are such a time-saver.
(SPRAY CAN HISSES) HOMER: Oh, God, that's good.
Seems like everybody's got a secret but us, huh, guys? ANNOUNCER: Tonight, see Maggie Simpson, the Unborn Comic, The Umbilical Chords and the Pixie Chicks.
And now your host, Sedgwick the Personality! Welcome to whatever this is.
Now, let's meet our judges.
NBA star and host of Flip That Igloo, Muk Mu! Peace.
Former Hot Tots champion, Baby Dimples Riskind! And robotic-themed DJ Der Zip-Zorp! (BEEPING) You had lunch, didn't you? I gave you a 2:00 a.
m.
curfew for a reason! Shut up! (GROANS) Where's denial when you need it? Maggie, this is no place for you.
I'm taking you where you can be a kid again Moe's.
Oh, I've created a monster! I've placated a monster! Oh Marge Simpson, are the rumors true? Did you corncob a cathouse? It's not that.
I sure love that new whorehouse smell.
Marge, I never thought someone could sink this town lower, but you have.
You lied to me! You may scare these guys, but to me, you're just a big fat liar! Whoa.
Nobody calls Fat Tony fat! Nobody! In the old country, only two were allowed to speak truth to the Don His capo and his interior decorator.
You are lucky.
Now, please leave.
The launch party is tonight.
The Grey Goose people are bringing a big ice thing.
Well, Anthony, not knowing what I was designing for, there's something I didn't tell you.
Your mother had a post office box at this office.
I don't know whether to believe you.
Oh, looks like a letter from the pope.
You have surrounded a blessed letter to your mother with a bordello! That's it! Shut it down! Apologize to our dear friends at Grey Goose.
So, what are you going to do with my work? A little "Italian lightning" for insurance purposes.
And that is the last question of yours we will ever answer.
Good-bye, Mrs.
Simpson.
Can't you at least wait until I'm out of the building? I'm sorry, I get nervous, I do dumb things.
Maybe it's because I'm wearing a wire.
Uh-oh.
Now, put your hands together for the one who's going to win.
Whoops.
That's supposed to be a secret.
Nothing I can do in one moment, Maggie will stop being my little baby and belong to the world.
I remember her when she was just a bit of bad news.
Time for the greatest glory there is reflected.
AUDIENCE: Aw (SPUTTERING, TUNELESS BLOWING) (BLOWS, GRUNTS) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Oh, come on, I'm cheating on my wife to see this? (BLOWING RASPBERRIES, WHEEZING) Look! She's got a tooth coming in! That's the kiss of death for a whistler.
Give me a string and a doorknob! That baby is naught but an overly dramatic, boring windbag! A windbag that yields no succor! In sum, a nothing! (BEEPING) (AUDIENCE BOOING LOUDLY) What? They're booing my Maggie? This is the sweetest little girl in the world.
Nice try, but no hook can fit me.
This little angel never makes a fuss.
She always shares her baby food, and she makes even a despicable show like this seem sweet! Hey, pal, this is a talent show for babies.
We ain't goin' for sweet.
The only thing that's been worth it about this experience is that I got to spend time with this little girl.
And that's the tooth! HOMER: Good night, my little star.
And if you have another amazing talent, for the love of God, don't tell anybody.
Nighty-night.
Okay, so I'll never enter Maggie into another contest without telling you, and you'll never design another sex palace for the Mob.
Agreed.
No more secrets from each other.
(YAWNS) No more secrets.
(SNORING) (MUMBLES) Are you letting out my pants? I'm afraid so.
I'm not really a size 32? (HOMER CRIES)