The Simpsons s29e04 Episode Script

Treehouse of Horror XXVIII

1 (THUNDER RUMBLING) I'm scared, Mom.
What if they take me? Don't worry, Barterfinger.
You're always the last.
Even boxes of stale raisins go before you, Butterfinger I mean, Barterfinger.
(GASPS) No one ever wants the apple.
They must be afraid there's a razor blade in me.
Yeah.
That's the reason.
Maybe you'll be dipped in caramel.
Oh, whoop-dee-doo.
(ALL GASPING) What the Where am I going? You're going to heaven, Dad.
GRAMPA: Those pearly gates look a lot like teeth! Change is always hard.
Well, I guess that (GRAMPA SCREAMING) Cigarette breath! Oh, thank God.
We made it through the night.
And now you're on a high shelf, where they'll forget about you forever! (CRYING): Why won't the earth take me? I hear you, my friend.
Mmm, candy.
Homer, no! Don't be silly, honey.
Chocolate doesn't feel anything.
No! God, no! Dad! I can't listen to this horror! Okay, I'm on it.
(SCREAMS STOPS ABRUPTLY) Thank you.
(CHEWING NOISILY) (THE EXORCIST THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (THUNDER CRASHES) It's here! Maggie's first Pazuzu! Your father ordered this because Mm, why did you order this? I thought it was pizza.
Yeah, I'll send it back tomorrow.
Tonight we have a cocktail party.
And we came early.
And I left my face on your hand towel.
(MARGE GRUMBLES) Hmm.
(HUMMING A MELODY) (GROANS) Don't worry, Maggie.
While Mommy and Daddy carouse downstairs, you'll be here in the dark with Pazuzu! (TO "WHEN IRISH EYES ARE SMILING): When Pazuzu's eyes Are glaring It's time to go to bed You'll see demon shadows fighting But it's just inside your head When Pazuzu's eyes are staring The moonlight will turn red 'Cause Pazuzu's in your nightmares Until we all Are dead.
Sweet dreams, Maggie.
Don't let the Beelzebubs bite.
(DOOR CREAKS) - (PIANO PLAYING) - (LIVELY CHATTER) Nobody's eating my chowder.
Maybe I can take it back home with me.
Maggie, sweetie, you should be in bed.
(DEMONIC VOICE): No one leaves alive.
Ooh, her first words! Did someone get that on their phone? LENNY: Aw, she's got red eye.
She's a demon from hell! Also, generic cola? Really? (CHUCKLES) Cocktail fail.
(GROANS) Thank you.
(ALL SCREAMING) (CELL DOOR SLAMS) Well, at least we still got the liquor.
(WHINES, GRUNTS) (GURGLES) Ah, my chowder! Someone's starting the terrible twos.
(CHUCKLES) (DEMONIC VOICE): Someone's having an affair with his nurse.
- Say "ah.
" - A dulterer.
179? I (GRUNTS) (CHOKING LAUGH) I'm afraid that little devil needs an exorcism.
I'm afraid they didn't teach me those at Pepperdine.
Bible ribbons, that'll hold her.
(GRUNTING) - (GROANS) - (TOY SIREN WAILING) Oh, good, the police are here.
(CHOKES) (OWL HOOTS) When is that exorcist gonna get here? Marge, we'll be fine.
Maggie just learned what a circle is.
HOMER: Okay, whoever she stops at has to change her diaper, which appears to contain flaming lava.
MARGE: Oh, you just never want to change a diaper.
(HOMER WHIMPERS) I'll handle this.
- (GASPS) - (SHOUTING GIBBERISH) (MUFFLED GIBBERISH) (LOSING BREATH) Oops.
Sorry about that.
First thing, we'll see just how powerful our demon here truly is.
The chicken goes (DEMONIC ROARING) Well, there's only one answer here, - cut her loose! - Are you sure? If you can't trust a Catholic priest with a child, who can you trust? (MARGE GROANS) By the power of Christ, I say devil be out! That's all you've got? Well, I say it three times.
This guy's good.
Devil be out! I am Pazuzu, demon of the southwest wind.
Wait, wait, so you're not even as powerful as the south wind or the west wind? How lame is that? I used to be very important.
Google it.
- Devil be out! - (THUNDER CRASHES) Google it! Your baby is saved.
Fantastic.
She's not going to be a religious weirdo, is she? - No.
- Fantastic.
Now hush.
Pazuzu is still among us.
But where? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! (GASPS) Bart? (DEMONIC VOICE): Let me out, let me out! This boy has the darkest soul I've ever seen.
It's worse than working for David Schwimmer! Yo, Pazuzu, grow me some horns.
(HOMER CHUCKLES) Those aren't horns, those are nubs.
(LAUGHS) No, no, no! (NASALLY): Well, at least it'll get me out of jury duty.
Lisa, Lisa wants a better life Lisa, Lisa, go under the knife Homer, Homer got a button wife.
So, anyone want to pick up litter at the park today? How about you, Maggie? She's still got a touch of Pazuzu.
At least she never threw up.
(DEMONIC RETCHING) That's just great.
Everywhere but the sink.
(GROANS) Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong family.
(CAT MEOWING) Oh? Hey, Mr.
Cat.
What are you playing with? A secret door? We don't have smoke alarms, but we have this? HOMER (IN DISTANCE): Smoke is its own alarm.
No, no, Snowball, come back! It's too dangerous! Sometimes tiny doors lead to big opportunities.
- (GASPS) You could talk? - Indeed.
For centuries, the cat has been the symbol of intelligence, the other world savoir faire Ooh, shiny! Oh, there it is.
Where'd it go? There it is.
Where'd it go? There it is.
Where'd it go? (CLEARS THROAT) Enough.
Let's go meet your other family.
(GASPS) Other family? Already the talking cat isn't the most interesting thing.
- (DOOR CREAKS) - (LISA GASPS) Whoa! For a Halloween show middle segment, this is amazing.
- (HOMER HUMMING A MELODY) - (BART CHEWING NOISILY) Every girl's dream, a perfect family.
(SCREAMS) Good morning, sleepyhead.
For breakfast, tofu or kale? Oh, that's nice.
But what's with the button eyes? We don't all have button eyes, silly.
Some have button mouths.
(MUFFLED): What's up?! Lisa, would you like to jam with us? You like jazz? (LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) You're all good, but not better than me.
I wish I could stay forever.
Oh, but you can.
All right.
Let me guess.
Do you have to sew buttons over my eyes? Don't worry, sugar plum, we'll give you a button to bite on while we sew 'em on.
- (SCREAMS) - Hold steady.
(PANTING) Oh, sweetie, you're just in time.
I killed a snake with your saxophone and Can you blow its head out? Here, let me just wipe the blood off the mouthpiece.
Buttons, please.
Hmm, something's missing.
Didn't we have a kid between Bart and the baby? Little smarty pants, plays the flute, I think.
Lisa.
She's been gone for days.
And the police have been no help.
That's not true.
I helped you reassemble that high chair.
Damn it! (WIGGUM GRUNTING) Well, we got two kids now, so no favoritism.
Maggie will get Lisa's room, Maggie will get Lisa's clothes, Bart will get Lisa's homework.
Cowabunga! (MARGE HUMMING) (GASPS) Bart! How'd you find me? I had an informant.
I know, he can talk.
He can? I just followed him in.
Oh, God.
Now I'll have to talk to him.
Uh, I don't think he's coming back.
How can you be so calm? I bore both those children.
Hey, your stories aren't great, but I wouldn't call them boring.
(GROANS): Oh.
I'm going in there now.
You really did it this time, Homer.
You lost your family.
Wait, you can speak on this side? Yes, I just don't like to.
Makes the dog feel inferior.
(WHINING BARK) All right.
(GRUNTING) Oh! So tight.
Why did I eat that second lunch at lunch? Someone kick me in the ass! (GRUNTS) Thank you! What is it about this world that's so great? The Homer in this world doesn't pass gas.
That was a three-button job.
Would you like to have two eyes? We can talk to each other while you watch TV.
Just what Homer needs, an excuse to get lazier.
Why, you little I'll lazy you, you otherworldly - What the - That was my Bart! Boy, sure is hard to see with buttons on your eyes.
D'oh! (GASPS) You killed my husband! HOMER: Spider wife, dead son, two girls with button eyes? I think this marriage has finally gotten out of its rut.
(VACUUM WHIRRING) Yep, I got everything just the way I want it, including an extra me to go to parent-teacher conferences.
Oh! Bart drew this picture of his family.
Now we're getting visits from a social worker and an exterminator.
I'll be ready.
- (GUNSHOT) - (CHAIN SAW BUZZES) And I've learned, no matter how bad things are, they can get much, much worse.
(MUFFLED): Huh, you're telling me.
Haw haw.
(INSTRUMENTS WARMING UP) - (CLEARS THROAT) - (INSTRUMENTS STOP) No one will be seated during the third act of this Halloween show.
What you're about to see is so disgusting you'll watch Game of Thrones to calm down.
You have been warned.
Man, am I jealous of you guys.
Two weeks in Lima, Ohio, with Patty and Selma while I'm stuck here working.
It's gonna be lonely.
So lonely.
Well, if you really want us to stay We've already kissed good-bye and the car heard it! (TIRES SCREECHING) They're gone.
Not a second to waste.
(LAUGHING) (TO "ON THE ROAD AGAIN"): Left alone again Yes, I'm eating provolone again Food just tastes better in the bathroom now and then I just love being left alone again Left alone for days I ate two dozen bags of Frito-Lays I'm gonna brush my teeth with mayonnaise Now my sweat tastes just like doughnut glaze.
(SHRIEKS) (SHRIEKING) Not a single morsel in the house! (GASPS) A forgotten hot dog.
Oh, you're shivering.
I'll take care of that.
(TO "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"): Happy birthday to meat I can't wait to eat.
- Now to slit it down the middle.
- (DOG BARKS) I'm not splitting it with you.
I'm just teaching you how it's done.
(BARKS) (GROANS) Still frozen.
(SCREAMS) My finger! My hot dog! (SIZZLING) My finger! My poor (MOANING) delicious finger.
(SNIFFS) Wait a minute.
I can't eat my own finger.
It's unholy.
Also, it's not quite done.
But sometimes a man has to do the unthinkable, like eat something medium-rare.
Oh! (FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING) - (TO "HALLELUJAH CHORUS") - Hey, you ate you You tasted great, you Hey, you ate you, hey, you ate you You cooked and ate you.
- (PHONE CHIMES) - Hmm? Hmm.
(HUMS SOFTLY) Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.
It makes complete sense.
I eat more and exercise less than the most succulent pig.
Of course I'm delicious! But I must never eat me again.
Never! On the other hand is my other finger.
And one thing I love is consistency.
(HUMMING "HALLELUJAH CHORUS") Hey, there, Homer Aloner.
In the absence of the missus, you want something delicious? (SIGHS) Don't worry, I'll be back.
(WHEELS SQUEAKING) Oh.
Ooh, yuck.
Oh, disgusting.
Homer Simpson, you don't like steak anymore? Actually, I've become a bit of a me-gan.
Do you have any spaghetti with my-balls? Uh, meatballs? "Me-gan? My-balls?" Are you eating forbidden fruit? Fruit? Ugh.
Sorry, Flanders, but I've got more delicious meat in my little finger than you have on this whole picnic table.
Speaking of which ("BUSTIN' LOOSE" BY REBIRTH BRASS BAND PLAYING) Whoo Whoo.
I have really gone to a lot of trouble not to leave the house.
MARGE (IN DISTANCE): Homie, we're home! (SHRIEKS) What's with the gloves? Uh, I was watching Breakfast at Tiffany's, and I thought I could be more elegant.
Elegant? With your waistline? I don't think so.
Actually, Homer, you look like you've lost 20 pounds.
Well, I have been cutting back.
That means something different to me than you.
What's wrong with your leg? Nothing.
It was perfect.
(MARGE GRUMBLES) (WHIRRING IN DISTANCE) (GROANING) Homie, you shouldn't be snacking in the middle of the night.
It can't be good for your (MARGE SCREAMS) This is, without question, the worst moment of our entire marriage.
- What about - This is worse.
Opa! HOMER: Marge, I admit it, this is a rough patch.
But I know when to stop.
And when would that be? When you're just a mouth? You see how she is, Doc? Always negative.
She makes me feel like nothing.
You are almost nothing! Almost nothing.
Homer, have you considered your wife's feelings? Perhaps she takes this new diet of yours as a comment on her cooking.
Marge? I won't deny that's a part of it.
See? Progress.
Now, excuse me.
I need to go get famous talking about you.
Homie, I'm afraid this is it.
Your self-destructive behavior has gone too far.
(MUFFLED): But, Marge Good-bye, my love.
(SOBBING) Maybe, deep down, that's why I ate myself Because I hate myself.
MAN: Sounds like someone had a breakthrough.
Hi.
I'm famous cooker-upper Mario Batali.
- You mean "chef"? - I don't care for that term.
Well, I know I don't belong in therapy, but why are you? I got depressed because I ran out of exciting new ingredients.
Homer, we need to talk.
Could we wok and talk? Well, sure.
(SIGHS) HOMER: My dearest family, I love you so much.
And I think I've found a way to earn your forgiveness.
Please come home.
Come home to flavor.
He wanted me to pass on these final words.
"I've failed as a man, but I have succeeded as an ingredient.
" I call the brain! (SIGHS): Ah.
He's gone.
Well, I guess I can be proud that he succeeded at something.
Oh, it's a lot more than something.
Homer's the biggest thing in food since free refills.
(SLURPING) (TO "HALLELUJAH CHORUS"): Hey, you ate you You tasted great, you Hey, you ate you, hey, you ate you You cooked and ate you.
How did they get so much meat out of Homer? Well, they mixed in some Barney, Comic Book Guy and horse.
Horse?! Do you know what it's like to have everyone eat of your body? Yeah, like, every Sunday, pal.
(MUNCHING) Uh, you know, you don't get more of those.