The Simpsons s29e15 Episode Script

No Good Read Goes Unpunished

1 [CAWS.]
D'oh! [GRUNTS.]
D'oh! They fought for years With guns and garden shears Years, years, years, tears, tears, tears It's the Itchy and Scratchy Marathon! [CHEERING, WHOOPING.]
: Episode 10,432: "Leave It To Cleaver.
ANNOUNCER: Sponsored by delicious Cream of Rye.
Which one's the cat? Okay.
Hour 14 of our marathon.
Now let's watch Episode 10,433: "Cat Scratch Cleaver"! Enough with the cartoons.
You'll rot your brains.
HOMER: Leave brain alone.
Ugh, I've been watching so much TV, I can't move my head.
- I'll fix him.
- Careful, Dad! If I'd have been careful, I wouldn't have had you.
- Ooh! [GRUNTS.]
Now I can't go to school.
Or church.
Hallelujah! Ah! We're going to spend family time together without watching TV.
Mom is right.
Americans watch way too much TV.
How many hours? Let me Google that.
Ha! Instead of T-V, I typed T-B.
Let me Google that.
Turn off the devices, pronto! Pronto.
Odd word.
- Let me Google that.
- Mm.
Hey, I'm doing something educational.
Educational, my foot.
I saw pixels.
It's TunnelCraft.
A simulated world where you explore, mine resources, and work with friends to build replicas of real buildings.
Can you die in it? - Yes.
- It's a video game.
I got a family activity for ya.
In the Depression, we'd sit around the wood stove and sing songs about poverty.
Old poor Joe, the starving boy Had worms burrow in his feet He heard there was work in Portland But sadly he heard wrong Oh, the railroad bulls, they rousted him And stuck him in a sack They tied him to the train And pulled him down the track They threw him off the bridge And they kicked him in the head and they Enough! - I know what we're going to do.
- Huh? - Ah.
- We're going to go out.
We're going to get some books and we're going to read those books.
This is the very last chance for this family to get reading in their lives.
So get on your feet, bubs.
We are taking a walk.
To the library.
Where you'll have to be quiet.
Wait, you're closing? You wanna read? Start with the sign.
Oh, can't we just go in for five minutes? Up to you.
But after 2:00, the silverfish take over.
Ah! I just wanted to renew my card! Hmm.
DVDs, plush toys, crullers I don't see many books.
Yeah, the only actual books are coffee table books.
Barn Doors of Topeka, Dogs Eating Ice Cream, Jigsaw Puzzles with One Piece Missing, Man-Killing Snakes of the Amazon Sir! Never say "Amazon" in a bookstore.
Amazon! Of course! Alexa! Order books! ALEXA [ON PHONE.]
: I already did.
Your mind is open to me.
They'll be home before I am.
Ma'am, if you really want to read, check out our proprietary e-reader: the Bookaccino "Niche.
" Um, excuse me.
That device is poorly designed.
I would register my disgust, but it corrects with auto praise.
Ugh! MARGE: Finally, a bookstore that sells books.
- HOMER: Oh, oatmeal.
- I love the smell of old books.
Ah Wouldn't do that, miss.
The air in here has a lot of particulate rat droppings.
Ugh! Okay.
Let's book up and bug out.
Here you go, Bart: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
Maggie: In Cold Blood.
Lisa: With No Apologies: The Memoirs of Barry Goldwater.
Lisa, look! The Princess in the Garden, by Heloise Hodgeson Burwell.
It's my very favorite book from when I was a girl.
It's for ages ten and up, but I think you're ready.
If you think so.
Wait a minute.
One bar two bars five bars.
You're not reading a book.
- You're in a Wi-Fi hotspot! - Dad, please.
I'm trying to reserve tickets to TunnelCraft-Con.
What? What the hell is that? Uh, duh, it's a convention for kids who play TunnelCraft.
It's got skins, betas, mods exclusive access to the top devs.
No convention.
And that's almost final.
But I'm dying to go, fatso.
- Now it is final! - [GRUNTS.]
What do you have for a kid who wishes his father was dead? Try this.
The Art of War, written 3,000 years ago by General Sun Tzu.
Well, there's "war" in the title and very few pages.
The only flaw is it's a book.
Young man, are you sure you want war with your father? Mmm.
I do not seek war, but neither do I turn away.
If you use this book, your father will lie shattered before the gates of your palace.
Oh, mighty general! I beg to be your unworthy footstool.
When he sleeps, I will steal the jewels from his topknot.
Hey, Mom, I found something to read! Wonderful! What a great family day.
And there is only one perfect way to complete a great family day.
So, how's the family? I think they went to dinner.
Something nice.
Nelson's coming our way.
My nose is pre-bleeding.
I'm picking on Bart.
You like books, huh? Well, here's a bookmark.
If your enemy is easily enraged, irritate him.
I heard you're not strong, you're just fat.
Fat? Me? You try eating healthy at a strip club buffet! Oh! Whoa! Willy! - [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
- Get me out of here! - [BAGPIPES PLAYING OVER EARBUDS.]
- It's on fire! Willy! Hmm.
Maybe wisdom isn't so stupid after all.
Milhouse, I'm gonna use this book to go to TunnelCraft-Con.
Here's the book I'm reading.
When I finish this, I'll have read every Mary Kate and Ashley book.
Sometimes I feel like the third sister.
He opposed the religious right.
Okay, this is my favorite book ever, but no pressure.
You realize saying "no pressure" puts me under tremendous pressure.
Then let's get started.
"Not all English girls grow up in England.
Clara grew up in South America where she was raised by many native servants.
But they were too naturally servile to oppose her will.
" - Hmm.
- LISA: "Naturally" what? [BRITISH ACCENT.]
: Uncle Juan? Would you clap as I dance? Rhythm rhythm [SHARPLY.]
: Mind the rhythm or you'll feel the lash! - [GASPS.]
- Mom, why'd you stop reading? It's just a little different than I remembered.
Let's skip ahead.
A father murdered by loco banana picker, Clara baptizing savages without their permission Oh, okay, okay, here we go.
Clara is now an orphan and was sent to live with her lonely uncle in the hills.
She meets a boy named Conor.
Like all Irish, he was feeble-witted and drunk.
: This is the part you deem acceptable? The Irish are nobody's joke anymore.
Hoi-dee toi-dee toi-dee toi! CONOR: I'm goin' on a hunger strike in here! [MOANS.]
So weak.
So weak - Yah-hah! - [SCREAMS.]
Another childhood classic bites the dust.
Is that a coolie hat? Nighty-night! I bet my booklight is shining on something offensive.
MARGE: Oh Darn it.
Heloise Hodgeson Burwell? [BRITISH ACCENT.]
: Why did you stop reading my book? Your daughter is just the kind of girl I wrote it for - obedient, well-fed and white.
: Oh, calm yourself, Marge.
Dreams are where it's okay to be racist.
Rudyard Kipling! Yes.
You should read my first draft of The Jungle Book.
At the end, Mowgli uses his elephants to stomp out some Hindus seeking limited voting rights.
All in good fun.
Marge, I suppose you could edit my book to your daughter's sensibilities.
An author that wants rewrites.
Well, that's what makes this a dream.
Now the war begins.
MILHOUSE: Not yet! I haven't finished my costume.
I'm doing period sewing with bird bones as needles.
LENNY: Wait.
Why do you want me to text you when your father's getting in the car? That's none of your business but let's just say both of us will benefit.
A trombone mute? But I don't have a trombone.
Open the other box.
Oh, my God! - [GONG CRASHES.]
All right, Simpson, blow into this.
Now make it into a rabbit.
All right.
Ralphie's birthday is today, and you're the entertainment.
What's going on? It's like someone's out to get me.
I have to be focused and careful.
Nothing will break my concen Ooh! Wild milk ball.
Bart! You're behind this? That's right.
And it looks like someone is stuck in the mud.
Help me, boy! I will save you if you do what I say from now on starting with going to TunnelCraft-Con.
Just pull me out by your sneaky little neck! [HOMER GRUNTING.]
Just be aware that if something happens to me, Mom finds out about your secret stash of Drake's Cakes.
What secret stash? Pier 18, shipping container number 4-7-9-5-2.
D'oh! I was offered a deal and I took it.
Okay, I give.
Louder, dog! Okay! [GASPING.]
You really think you can control me? Malted milk ball.
Here's a new version of The Princess in the Garden.
- Mom, you're exhausted.
- It takes a lot of work to take the spirit and character out of a book.
But now it's as inoffensive as a Sunday in Cincinnati.
"Once there was a cisgender girl named Clara.
She lived in South America, fighting for wild horse rescue [NEIGHING.]
and net neutrality.
LISA: This new Clara sounds like she starts out pretty perfect.
You betcha! But since she's already evolved, she doesn't really have an emotional journey to complete.
- Nope.
- Kind of means there's no point to the book.
Well, what am I supposed to do? It's hard to say.
Something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive, is now politically incorrect.
What can you do? Some things will be dealt with at a later date.
If at all.
Hey, Simpsons.
We'll see you in church.
Not today you won't.
Well, we'll say a prayer for you.
Don't mention my name, weirdo.
Dear Lord, forgive that boy.
He knows not what he says.
What does that weirdo want now? [CHEERING, WHOOPING.]
Ow! My feet hurt.
There's too much cosplay, whatever that is.
- Can we go home? - Quiet, you.
It's the two greatest TunnelCraft players of all time! Those guys make awesome videos where they play TunnelCraft together.
Has the world gone mad? Their banter is legendary.
- Got that? - Yeah.
- Go left.
- Right.
- Left.
Go right.
- Right.
- Dig.
- Dig.
- Dig.
- Cool.
That's why they call me Tunnel-Rat.
- I'm Tunnel-Rat.
- Oh, right.
- Oh-ho - Oh, awesome! - What the? - Calm down.
It's me, Daniel Radcliffe.
This is how I see conventions: incognito.
Otherwise the fans envelope me.
Oh, that's ridiculous! Daniel Radcliffe! He knows Rupert Grint! Yes, I do.
He's lovely.
Oh! Oh, God! What are you Aah! Aah! I loved him.
Please, can we go now? No! You wait in the poster-signing line.
And don't sign them yourself.
I'll know.
Milhouse, by God, if you want a ride home, you tell me what Bart's up to.
Bart's been using an ancient Chinese book against you.
I knew it.
Except for the ancient Chinese book part, I knew it! Why are you bringing me here? These professors have some very interesting news for you about Heloise Hodgeson Burwell.
Meanwhile, I'll sit on this chair and imagine I'm grading papers.
Ah, Marge Simpson, the fan of Burwell.
We are all Burwelleans.
You don't mind that her books are a little grandma on the veranda? Marge, Burwell's whole life was a protest against conformity.
- Yeah, she never married.
- Had no children.
She lived in Provincetown, Mass a-chu-setts.
Heloise Burwell is a lesbian icon! Her "offensive" stereotypes were actually a self-consciously ironic protest against her own oppression.
How much of that do you actually believe? Mmm most.
So much to take in.
How do you deal with it all? With the help of sherry.
Sherry, bring in the hard liquor, please.
Now you can ask me about Lewis Carroll.
Remember: all warfare is deception.
Shut up.
I'm trying to fool my kid.
Bart, son, if you don't mind, I brought a friend over.
Flanders?! Great to be here, pal-o-mino.
I brought some potent grass that'll get this party started.
Bluegrass! Chicken's in the henhouse, pig is in the poke The whole dang farm feels okily-doke Goin' up to Cripple Creek, swimmin' fully dressed Not being naked, oh, that's the best.
Again? No siree, Bart! It's me, your Homereeno! Morning, friend-till-the-end.
Ready to greet the day with a big ho-hey? Call me the Pillsbury Doughboy, 'cause I'm ready to roll! Then let's hi-diddley-go! If anyone can do it, it's we two-it! - Yes, indeedle, doddily - Okily-dokily, dokily, dokily.
Oh, my God.
He's even gone left-handed.
Now we're gonna take you to a movie rated R for "really old and boring.
Oh, no, he daren't! [CHUCKLES.]
Dad, please, isn't there any way to get the old Homer back? Well, now, Bartly, why would you want that balding boob [GASPS.]
Ooh, I said "boob"! Uh-oh.
Time for me to do a turtle.
I'll come out when the B-bombs stop flying.
Please, I want my dad not this horrible creature from the depths of Heaven you've become.
If you truly surrender, give me your Halloween candy.
But it's March.
Most of it's still good.
Now, bow to your master, because you are the fool, and I, the greater fool! Dad! You read the book, too? Up to page five.
Now, come here, son, and grab some belly.
: Aw.
Excuse me.
These films are original nitrate prints.
Which means the theater has just gone up in a terrible fire.
You have seconds to escape! [ORGAN PLAYS FANFARE.]
They never tell the organist.
Hmm, so that film is a hundred years old? No.
We shot it at my place yesterday.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Ned and Rod and Todd And I'll remind all you folks you should be praisin' God If you don't, you'll rot in Hell for all eternity It's all a part of God's great love he has for you and me.
Y'all come back, now.
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