The Simpsons s29e16 Episode Script

King Leer

Okay, children, everyone pick an instrument.
Doesn't matter which one.
Everyone's gonna be bad.
- Eh, who cares? I'm union.
I told you, I am not playing an instrument.
You're playing an instrument.
Mom, music is made by computers, not rusty metal you put in your ugh mouth.
Look, your mom thinks that forcing you to do music in school will somehow make you into a different person than we all know you are which it won't so just do it, or I'll cut all your shorts into skirts.
What about this stupid thing? - [BLOWING NOTES.]
Why don't you try this clarinet? It's like the recorder, but cooler.
What about this hobo guitar? [LIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING.]
At least he was wearing a tuxedo.
Now can we get out of here? The Wi-Fi sucks, and I'm trying to click through this slideshow of celebrities who let themselves go.
Word is that number four is insane.
And here's the form which says you're responsible for the instrument.
So, if I break the violin, Homer has to pay? Homer has to pay? The school is lending your son an instrument that's worth $430.
Violin, you and me are gonna make beautiful music together.
Bart? Bart? $430 violin? If the beer's in a frosted mug, you're not an alcoholic, you're an aficionado.
- Hello, Father.
Thank you for taking responsibility for this lovely instrument.
I trust you find its music - [PLAYS SCREECHING NOTE.]
- soothing.
Come on, dude, just leave me alone.
I'm a good man.
I've got kids! You're right, I've been too hard on you.
Here you go.
I took you into my home, and you've stolen everything from me.
You know what this is? It's me playing the world's smallest violin.
I'm free.
I'm free.
I'm finally free! Mwah! [GASPS.]
Where are you going? To do to my brain what I just did to your dreams for our son.
LENNY, CARL AND BARNEY: Chug, chug, chug! Chug, chug, chug! [TRAIN CHUGGING.]
The little engine that could get me wasted.
Yeah, everyone loves the ol' Disorient Express.
Moe's Tavern.
Moe speaking.
What? You have the nerve to call me? Why don't you delete my number from your phone, then put the phone in a sock, and then beat yourself in the head till your face looks like motor lodge buffet eggs! [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, another prank call, huh? Who was it this time, uh, "Anita Manbone"? "Ivan Talickya"? Ooh, ooh, I got one.
"John Rootbeer.
" Eh, it wasn't no prankster.
It was someone I know all too well.
- Oh, who? - Shut your stinkin' face-hole! That's who it was, okay?! Bar's closed! Everybody get out! Get out! [GROANS.]
Oh, stupid drunk breath.
- [BLOWS.]
Oh, stupid drunk dog! [BARKING.]
Guess I'll have to order a ride on my smartphone.
Get in.
No mints? I should've just called Uber.
What's with Moe? It's too late for the cockfights and too early for the rat fights.
He's been extra psycho since he got that phone call.
: I just want to [GRUNTING, SHOUTING.]
Oh, it sounds like that time you lit the barbecue with a possum inside.
Hmm, maybe we should follow him.
Mm, you're the sober one.
Call me, will you? Oh, I'll meet you, all right.
I'll meet you good.
- I'll kill you.
I'll kill you, you dirty mug! You've got to stop them.
Let me go, huh? I'm one loafer smack away from tearing off his whole hair system! Why are you fighting with an old man? Because this old man [PANTING.]
is my old man.
Morty Szyslak.
Nice to meet you.
You mean nothing to me.
Huh? All you are is a rotten old rib roast covered in cologne.
You ungrateful punk.
You're not worthy to walk through a cloud of my scent.
I never should've called you.
On that we agree.
The saddest thing in the world is seeing a family broken apart.
Drunk dog.
Oh, I ain't seen my pops for years.
After he called, I weakened and went to meet him.
But one sniff of "Eau de Sportcoat," and my shoe was in my hand.
How could you go so long without seeing your own father? Seriously, how'd you do it? It sounds amazing.
Yeah, well, let me explain.
You know how the world sees me as a a - Human toilet brush? - Bingo.
Well, I'm the white sheep of my family.
They're involved in a very evil business.
- Illegal drugs? - No, worse.
- Prescription drugs? - Oh, well, not that bad.
The Szyslaks are mattress salesmen.
- Eh, I know, I know.
They're like mortgage brokers without the moral code.
Charging people 1,200 bucks for what's essentially a big bag of hay.
Growing up, it was me, my dad and my brother and sister.
We were the biggest mattress chain in town, mainly thanks to our local TV ads.
How does it? There it is.
Here ye, hear ye! I declare the best deals in all the land! AND DON'T YE FORGET: no credit No problem! So come on down to Mattress King, at any one of our many convenient locations.
We'll have you sleeping on a new mattress - to - Knight! - And cut.
- Great work, kids.
Everyone gets an onion.
MOE: But there was another reason for our success, as I was about to learn.
Son, your voice is finally gravelly enough for you to learn what it takes to survive in the sleep biz.
Bedbugs?! These are Hungarian mattress gnashers.
The only way to get rid of them is to walk away from your house naked and start a new life.
Y-You're gonna sabotage our rivals? No, no, no, no, no, no.
You are.
You want to be a sandman, a slumber jack, a yawn jockey? This is what it takes.
It's the Szyslak way.
MOE: They were the competition, sure, but they were a family, too.
I couldn't ruin them.
You should be proud.
You did a good deed.
Yeah, well, that good deed ruin't my life.
That family I took pity on, they doused our mattresses with bedbugs.
The Szyslak empire was ruin't.
Soon, we were down to just a few locations.
My pops never said how disappointed he was, but he let me know in his own way, by kicking me out and turning my room into a home gym he never used.
My brother and sister took my place in my father's heart.
The only connection I had with Pops was LinkedIn.
That's worse than nothing.
Why do you think your dad reached around to you after all these years? I don't care.
I don't care so much! Moe, you will never have peace until you make up with your father.
HONEY, I NEED YOU TO HEAR THIS: sticking your nose in Moe's horrible life will end badly.
Homer, what's your favorite movie? Fast & Furious 6.
And what's the theme of that movie? Cars.
What's the other theme? [GASPS.]
She's right, Moe.
You got to give your cars a second chance.
BART AND LISA: Is that your family's mattress store? - MOE: No.
- Is that your family's mattress store? - No.
- Is that your family's mattress store? No! Geez, I never noticed how many mattress stores there are.
Yeah, you never do till you're shopping for one.
Then they're freakin' everywhere.
That mattress looked perfectly fine when it was delivered.
It's not my fault you flipped it over! Mr.
Szyslak, I've brought someone here who still cares for you.
Um, hey there, Pops.
I'm, uh, I'm sorry about shoe-slapping your face and all.
Well, maybe I had it coming.
You hittin' that? - Can I, uh, say I am? - Mm-mm.
That must be Moe's brother and sister.
They don't look ugly like Moe, but I'm still feeling the ugly.
That one's eating Chinese food with scissors.
Hey, what's Ugly Do-Right doing here? He ain't no mattress man.
I will never forgive you for what you made Dad did to you.
Oh, so we're doing the "what I done made Dad did" thing? Because I can did this all day long! Shut up, you box springs! I'm the one what reached around to this cesspool of disappointment.
- You know, to make amends.
- Amends?! - Amends?! - Amends?! There's no reason for this to come to shoes! I want you all to come to our house for a family forgiveness dinner.
We'll be there.
Can I bring a bottle of something? That would be lovely.
You want oxy or Demerol? MARGE: Okay, the brother here, the father there, Moe here No.
No good.
You know, when this all ends horribly, it's gonna be pretty hard not to say "I told you so.
" Just don't say it.
You've never been married, have you, Lisa? When you love someone very much, the toughest thing is not to rub their face in their horrible screw-ups.
So, okay, here's a fun game.
Everyone take turns saying something nice about a person they're related to.
I'll start.
Lisa has lovely penmanship.
Thank you, Mom.
Me? Uh, well, it's admirable how my stupid father reached around to this traitor! I'm impressed that you better shut up and make nice with the traitor! I like that Bart uh Bart is he, uh - Can I do two Lisas? - Dinner fight! Yeah, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? Huh? Homer! Go to phase two.
'Twas the sale before Christmas, and all through the store! All the deals were amazing on twin sets and more! [TO "SILENT NIGHT".]
: Mattress night Low, low price No payments due, but Am I the only one feeling all oniony about the way things used to be? We were dressed as stinkin' reindeer, but we were really a stinkin' family.
Oh, I miss you frigs.
MOE/MARV/MINNIE: Aw Marge, thank you for reaching around to my family.
I got something to tell all of youse.
- I'm retiring.
Sleepy is the head that wears the mattress crown.
That's right, my springs have sprung.
- To my son, I give a store.
- [GASPS.]
- To my daughter, I give a store.
- Aw.
Well, good dinner, everyone.
I'll see youse at the funeral of whoever dies first.
And to my oldest son, I give a store.
Wha? I buried this dream so deep, no amount of self-harm could ever carve it out.
Oh, the smell of foam off-gassing.
When I cross this threshold, I begin a new life! This is the first time that I've ever been carried into a store.
Look at me now, Lady Foot Locker! Look at me now.
Hey, everyone.
Hey, thanks for coming out.
Uh, if anybody wants a glass of wine, they're on the memory foam.
- CLETUS: Oh! Hot dang.
My goodness.
Okay, okay, all right, shut your, shut your faces.
Uh, the commercial that me and my brother and sister all made is about to air now.
- I cannot tell a lie.
It's good to be back in the mattress biz.
Sleep softly and carry a big discount! And now we're freeing the savings! So rush-more to Mattress King Slumber Super Stores, as we all welcome our big brother Moe back to the family! MINNIE: And remember, at Moe's location, every mattress had someone die on it.
- Dead-o's on my mattresses? Hey, hey, somebody messed with our commercial.
MARV: Who died on Moe's mattresses? - Shut-ins.
Fat people.
MARV AND MINNIE: And inmates! Inmates! Inmates! No, no, it's all lies! Come back! My mattresses are brand-new! Made in the finest Filipino sweatshops by the cutest kids you ever saw! - That's a gross a-mattress! - [CLAMORING.]
They betrayed me.
Stabbed me right in the hump.
Sorry, big brother.
We saw an opportunity to knock you out of the family business, and we took it.
It's the Szyslak way.
But I-I brought them together.
How could things end so badly? HOMER: Don't say "I told you so.
" HOMER: Don't say "I told you so.
" Don't say "I told you so.
" Maybe I shouldn't have gotten involved.
HOMER: Don't say "I told you so.
" Don't say "I told you so.
" Why didn't somebody warn me? HOMER: Don't say "I told you so.
" I told [CHOKING.]
When my pop finds out I got played for a chump, huh, he'll wish he never reached around to me in the first place.
Moe, I'm so sorry.
For the first time, I'm going to offer you platonic physical comfort.
I just can't go through with it.
Aw, it's all right.
You got closer than most.
But I have to believe it's not too late to reach around and fix things with your family.
No, no, no.
I tried things the Marge way.
Now I'm gonna do this the Szyslak way.
No! That's right, me and my family, we're going to the mattresses, baby! I better go with him.
To make sure I see it.
Oh, my God.
What happened? We cut 'em up good.
They ain't so pretty no more! - - [MOE CHUCKLES.]
- All this was just revenge appetizers! Tonight is the main course.
And I'm serving it up family style.
There's only one man who can stop this.
Sir, this shirt depicts an octopus sportfishing and drinking a mai tai.
It's the bestseller in our Retired Blowhard collection.
Oh, yeah.
I can see myself watching golf in this.
Szyslak Sr.
, you've got to do something! Your children are tearing each other apart! No, no.
I'm retired now.
Let them work out their own little tiffs.
Does this look like a tiff? Free mattresses?! The time for leisure wear is over.
Mahalo, sir.
Moe's in there, and I've never seen him this angry before, not even when he lost that angriest man contest.
He's crazy! He's gonna do it! He's really gonna do it! I'm up here, Pops.
I'm playing with my little brother and sister.
Just like old times.
Hungarian mattress gnashers! If he releases those bugs, all our mattresses are ruined! Not mine.
My mattresses are safe and sound.
All my enemies gnashed! It's the Szyslak way! [GASPS.]
Morty! Do something! [MANIACAL LAUGHING.]
Do it! Smash that jar! Take what's rightfully yours! - Wait, what? - You wanted him to dooze this? He's finally man enough to finish the job, just like he should've all those years ago.
Do it, son! Everything will be yours! Do it for your king! [DRONING.]
: Do it for your king.
I can't do it.
ALL: Wha?! Sorry, Pops.
I guess I'll never live the Szyslak way.
Oh, Moe, you're a good man.
And these soulless mattress jackals don't deserve you.
I never thought I'd say this, but some families just don't belong together.
- Yeah, yeah, I'll kill ya! Ph-Physical contact.
HOMER: I told you so! Hey, this is Moe S.
from the Mattress King.
Give me a call at 555-0146.
For a limited time only, the Mattress King's got queen mattress sets for $99 and king sets for $129.
HOMER: Ooh! Are you okay? Oh, yeah.
I'm fine.
That's what I was afraid was gonna [GRUNTS.]
that's what I was afraid was gonna happen - with that damn thing.
- You all right? - Oh, I'm fine.
- You sure? Messed up my guitar, though.
No, I'm fine.
- You sure you're, uh - No, I'm fine.
Try your arm and stuff.
- He's wearing leather.
- Oh, okay.
- Did you get it on film? - Yeah.
All right.
All right!
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