The Simpsons s29e17 Episode Script

Lisa Gets the Blues

1 Stick close by, kids, and I'll explain everything you need to know about the briny deep.
I want to see a giant squid attack a sperm whale and battle to the death.
I want to swim free with the fishes.
I brought my lucky red swim trunks.
All right, can the chatter and listen up.
Here we have the hideous moray eel.
And over here, we have the tasty but repulsive sea bass.
Yuck! What the hell is that? - Bart! - [GURGLING]: Come on in.
The water's fine.
Boy, you come out of that tank right now! Do some tricks, Bart.
- Oh! - Stop that.
It only encourages him.
Ah! Dad, you got to see this! [HOMER SCREAMS] The Simpsons [AUDIO REWINDS] The Simpso [AUDIO REWINDS] The Simpsons [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [WHISTLE BLOWS] LENNY: Oh, not again! [BEEPS] [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] [LARGO GRUNTS] [CHUCKLES] I nailed it.
I have tears in my eyes, like when I saw David Attenborough's Blue Planet.
Did you really watch them all? Well, most of the first one.
- LARGO: Lisa? - Yes, Mr.
Largo? - I just want to say - And I just want to listen.
RALPH: I'm a tuna! You really should give up the saxophone.
What?! Oh, I know.
I know.
You're fabulous.
Well, then I shouldn't give it up.
I mean, what would you say if I said you had to give up teaching music? I'd say, "Hallelujah!" I could go back to my first love: not teaching music.
We can't do the couch gag.
When is Lisa gonna get here? Worry about yourself.
Why would you ask me to give up the saxophone? Lisa, sweetie, I'm afraid this world is filled with Lisa Simpsons.
- Huh? - Bright, talented and doomed to disappointment.
What you're saying is horrible.
It's horrible.
[CRYING] Mr.
Largo, what is going on here? I'm trying to encourage a student to give up on her dreams! You're crushing it as always, Dewey.
- [LISA CRIES] - I'll take it from here.
Now, Lisa, this is for your own good.
For every Yo-Yo Ma, there's a million Ma-Ma Yos.
And for every Shaun White, there are a million White Shauns.
And for every Albert Einstein, there are a million Herman Schmidbergs.
Okay, so maybe I'll never be great, but shouldn't I try? [CHUCKLES] No.
[CRYING] [KIDS CHATTERING PLAYFULLY] [LAUGHTER] Sleeping people are my canvas.
[WHIMPERS] That's some cutting satire, Simpson.
Yeah.
Check out Bill Maher over here.
[WHIMPERS] Ay, caramba! Let's see.
Little Bo Peep? That'll traumatize him good.
Oh, I got it, the perfect one.
No, not that.
Anything but that! Oh, thanks for your input.
I'll try to come up with an alternative.
Put it on.
- [DOOR OPENS] - JIMBO: Get in there.
[KIDS GASP] [LAUGHTER] Sing like we rehearsed! The sun'll come out tomorrow More pep! Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow There'll be sun! Sing until food fills your mouth! Tomorrow, tomorrow [GAGGING] I love ya tomorrow! [MUFFLED] You're always a day away.
Now get the Wite-Out.
Leapin' lizards! He's right.
I know it's true.
I always have.
Honey, ignore everyone, and listen to someone objective: your mother.
You're great! It's too late.
I'm quitting music.
There's a microscope in there, too.
You can sell it.
Don't give up your dream.
When I was little, I dreamed about marrying a dashing prince, and it actually happened! You were married before Dad? No! I mean your father.
My father.
So that's Homer, or There's no "or"! You can't let someone else's opinion tear you down.
I want to hear your sweet music, so suck it in and get downstairs right now! You're the best.
You're the best.
Herman Schmidberg! - For the love of jazz? - [GASPS] [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING] [PLAYING OFF-KEY] I can't play! I just can't! It's in my head, but my hands won't do it! What's with her? [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING] Woo-hoo! Whoa! I'm suffering from beer-tigo! Whoa! [GIGGLES] You don't have to worry about what's wrong with you.
Just find out whatever it is, and you can fix it.
ADHD? No, that's Bart.
OCD? No, that's Mom.
This one's Dad.
This one's Dad.
This one's Dad.
This one's Dad.
What is the name when you can't perform something that you've practiced four times a week since you were three?! MAN [OVER VIDEO]: The yips, named for Dr.
Augustus Yip.
A mysterious psychological condition where well-rehearsed skills suddenly become impossible.
Like all mental disorders, the yips are likely incurable.
Oh, for God sake.
The yips.
I have the yips! Bart, what happened to your pupils? They're Annie'd, okay? MARGE: Lisa, you want to play some more? No! [SIGHS] [LISA CRYING] Lisa, honey, are you okay? You barely touched your green disgustos.
Some nights, there's isn't enough kale in the world to brighten a girl's mood.
[LAUGHS] Oh, that's a good one! - Don't you dare.
- Okay.
I have some news.
My great half step-aunt Eunice Bouvier is turning 100 years old, and she wants us there.
Is this the aunt who lives in Florida? It's not just Florida.
It's Gainesville! I only have two weeks vacation, and I have to spend 'em in Dullsville? Gainesville.
If we have time, we'll take a day trip to Dullsville.
HOMER, LISA AND BART: Oh! It's my turn to pick the vacation! Also, she loves music, so I'm sure she'd like Lisa to play for her.
Stop it! Fine.
The Simpsons are going to Oh, I can't say it.
Gainesville.
I was born in Gainesville, Florida And my father was a tailor And my mother ran a cafe Near the university.
MALE PILOT [OVER P.
A.
]: Uh, takeoff is the most perilous phase of air travel.
If you're gonna crash, that's when it happens.
Wait.
Am I on mic? FEMALE PILOT: Yes, Frank.
Uh, folks, you were just listening to a new play I wrote Death at 600 Feet.
Yeah.
I don't think that's making it better.
Well, thank you for the note, Scott Rudin.
I'm sorry to announce that all our TVs are out.
PASSENGERS [GROANING]: Oh! But you're welcome to read our in-flight magazine, featuring an interview with our CEO Hanuki Atanawa.
PASSENGERS [LOUDER]: Oh! Maybe we'll have one of those passenger riots that seem to occur every other day on U.
S.
airlines.
[WOMAN GRUNTING, PANTING] - Could I get another seat? - No, absolutely not! You chose an economy modest ticket.
Please! They're both farting! All it would take is a single spark to set this powder keg off.
[PASSENGERS GRUNTING] - [CLAMORING] - [BOTTLES CLINKING] PASSENGERS [CHANTING]: Hey, hey, TWA! How many flights did you cancel today?! Hey, hey, TWA! MALE PILOT [OVER P.
A.
]: Folks, I'm afraid due to turbulence among the passengers, we are gonna have to land immediately.
Looks like we will not be going to Gainesville.
[PASSENGERS CHEERING] MALE PILOT: [CHUCKLES] It is pretty great, isn't it? Our new destination is, uh let's see.
- New Orleans! - [PASSENGERS CHEERING] It's a miracle! Everyone wins! [CLOCK TICKING] Happy birthday to me Happy birthday to me [CLOCK CONTINUES TICKING] [BAND PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] Look, Lisa! Isn't that nice? The sign's telling you to celebrate! What are you celebrating? Humidity at a 98%.
Don't they sound great? Yep.
More musicians better than me.
Oh, boy.
You're good at cheering her up.
I'll take Bart.
Whoop-de-do.
HOMER: Hmm.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I appreciate you choosing me, Dad, but I don't know how much fun I'll be.
I think I can cheer my princess up.
- I don't think you can.
- Oh, I think I can.
I'm a pretty tough nut.
Well, if you're a nut, I will crack you up.
Not with puns, I'm afraid.
- Yes, I can.
- No, really.
- You like puns.
- No, I don't.
I said cheer up! That kind of scares me.
- Scary "eek" or scary "ha ha"? - Why would you say that? There is no scary "ha ha.
" - Yes, there is.
- No, there isn't.
- What about scary clowns? - Nobody likes scary clowns! - Go to your room! - I'm in New Orleans! That's your answer to everything! HOMER: Did you know that a man can fall in love with a city? It happens slowly at first.
Then when you develop a crush, you find your love just grows and grows.
If you like, you can take that drink on the street.
[GASPS] Even Bourbon Street? [LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING] [GASPS] Oh, I'm out.
Enjoy.
HOMER: And then you discover a thousand little things you love about the city.
Cajun crawfish.
Lamb tagine.
Grilled lamb sausage.
Zucchini bisque.
Crabmeat po'boy.
Duck po'boy.
Chicken sausage po'boy.
Crawfish sausage po'boy.
Cochon de lait po'boy.
Turkey giardiniera po'boy.
Roast beef po'boy.
Alligator po'boy.
Catfish amandine.
Crawfish amandine.
Crawfish étouffée.
Boiled crawfish.
Cajun crawfish.
Cajun shrimp and duck pasta.
Fried crab cake.
Pecan catfish.
Blackened redfish.
Seafood mirliton casserole.
Fried chicken.
Fried green tomatoes.
Stuffed shrimp.
Muffuletta.
Barbecue brisket sandwich.
Barbecue chicken sandwich.
Smoky bacon greens.
Seafood au gratin.
Seafood gumbo.
Frogs' legs.
There's also a lot of historical sites.
HOMER: Chicken gumbo.
Jambalaya.
Spinach artichoke.
Creole sweet potato pone.
Red beans and rice with sausage.
Veggie red beans and rice.
Pralines in cookies.
Oyster pralines.
Oyster shots.
Oyster patties.
Bananas Foster.
King cake.
Dixie cake.
Pecan pie.
Cajun boudin.
Boudin balls.
Crawfish rémoulade.
Shrimp and lump crabmeat ravigote.
Au croissant crawfish po'boy.
And yaka mein.
[SIGHS LOUDLY] Yeah.
Okay, sweetie, Daddy's in love.
So now we'll deal with your sadness.
Okay.
It's good to see you happy, Dad.
[RETCHES] Hold that thought.
Uh, my good boy, is there a vomitorium? This town is famous for five vomitoria: the elegant Creole Vomitorium, the Blues Vomitorium, the traditional Heritage Vomitorium, the Upchuck Mangione Museum, and the bucket over at Chartres Street.
Alert them all.
Would you like to look at historic homes in the Garden District? "Historic"? "Homes"? "Garden"? "District"? Which of those words do you think appeals to me? Okay.
We could talk about your hat.
It has a lot of history, too.
- Did you know that it - [GROANS] All right, wise guy.
Here's something you'll like.
Cool.
I always read better when the letters are dripping like blood.
Bart, you go in there, and I'll pray for you in here.
Please, Lord, please.
I need to finish this, okay? All day, you had.
Please, Lord.
We're a family on a budget.
We just need a little relief from our demons, please.
Hmm.
Where are we? I smell Pringles.
[GROANS] You'll pay.
You'll all pay! - Mom, will you pay for this? - [GROANS]: Oh.
Now, sweetie, let's find a restaurant for you.
I don't think my problem can be solved by crawfish and jambalaya.
I wonder, do they have jazz in New Orleans? Okay, Lisa, look at your hero for an hour.
I'm gonna take a whiz in the cemetery next door.
[HUMS A TUNE] Okay, who to choose? Who to choose? Ooh, Etienne de Boré.
I wish you could talk.
[GRUNTS EXCITEDLY] Man, I have been waiting for someone to make that wish.
What's on your mind? My music teacher says there'll always be someone better than me.
[CHUCKLES] Well, that's not the only way to be part of jazz.
Well, I could be a jazz critic or a music executive.
Jazz critic? Music executive? They're nothing but glorified grave robbers.
Look what I found in one of the graves.
- Put that back! - [HOMER GROANS] Lisa, darling, you just keep searching.
You can find anything you want in New Orleans.
Except, apparently, statue polish and pigeon poison.
Thank you.
And may I ask you, how are things in heaven? You know that thing we used to call reefer and you people now call medicine? I do.
Well, they have it up in heaven, and it is mighty fine.
Mighty fine! [LAUGHS] So, any last advice? Your father knows best.
Let's go to a bar.
- But - Daddy's right.
Can I sing you out? Anything but "What a Wonderful World" please.
Can you sing "What a Wonderful World"? What a horrible world.
HOMER: Okay, I moved her from crying to glum.
Now to shoot for happy.
I just pray they don't see through her fake I.
D.
MAN: Hmm.
Well, it's better than his.
Uh-huh.
[BART LAUGHS] Milhouse, anything yet? No effect.
But how's Lisa dealing with her depression? Oh, give up on Lisa.
Wait for Maggie.
Oh, I don't Wait! Maggie likes me? Still not working.
What's not working? Uh, Bart's got voodoo dolls of all you guys.
[SCOFFS] There's no voodoo in Gainesville.
Their flight got diverted to New Orleans.
[ALL WHIMPER] [GRUNTS] You hackeyed the wrong sack! [ALL GRUNTING] It's working! So, has Maggie said anything about me? We have a lot in common.
Same bedtime.
We both like clapping.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Come on, we've got to go meet your father.
Let's go.
Well, there's no miracle for me here.
[CRIES] Why? Don't worry, sweetie.
No one can see you.
You're alone in the dark, anonymous.
- Spotlight?! - What?! Lisa, would you do us the honor of joining us onstage? How do you know me? That man is my uncle.
[GASPS] Bleeding Gums Murphy? - We called him Oscar.
- Oscar! Oh.
Oscar Gums Murphy.
You still play bari sax? I wish I could play for you, Bleeding Gums' nephew, but I have the yips.
Oh, that's too bad.
Well, could you hold this while I play clarinet? Now, could you give the mouthpiece a little kiss? I think I see through your simple plan.
My uncle said you were the most promising young musician - he'd ever met.
- He did? [SCOFFS] It was kind of an insult to me, but he was pretty passive-aggressive.
So, are you gonna play? Yes! I want to jam! I want to scat! I want to riff! I want to get down! Oh! [PLAYING LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC] [CROWD CHEERING] She's playing.
You did it, Homie! Marge, I just realized, we've helped everyone else, but we haven't done anything for you.
A mother's happy as long as all her children are happy.
Another one, sir? No, that's not my Uh, yeah.
Uh, this one straight up.
Aw.
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC] HOMER: Lisa, knock off that racket! LISA: Oh, how I've missed this.
[GASPS] Mr.
Armstrong! - Why does a ghost sweat? - I don't know.
But I would give anything for a new shirt.
[BOTH LAUGH] I'd also really like to be alive again.
[LAUGHS] [SIGHS] The beignet eliminates the only flaw of the donut: there is no hole.
[FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING] [FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING] [SIGHS] Well, we did it, kids.
And the best thing is, the next episode will beat Gunsmoke.
What about all the episodes they made on radio? - Have a beignet.
- [GRUNTS] [FIREWORKS WHISTLING, POPPING]