The Simpsons s30e07 Episode Script

Werking Mom

In case you were wondering why I'm so tired - I wasn't.
- I was up late watching French films in French.
And then, last night, my dreams were in French! My dream is you keep moving.
FRENCH NARRATOR: Lisa Simpson, a bright girl in a dull school.
She likes the sound a Sharpie makes when she does well on a test.
She adores the woody sweetness of a fresh baritone reed.
But she hates, more than anything, finding a place to eat at lunch.
What was this? You will soon see.
Frankly, I am redundant.
" [GASPS.]
Jasper! FRENCH NARRATOR: Suddenly, in the middle of this crap school, a mystery! Meanwhile, for the first time in his life, Homer would be disappointed in a kitchen.
Oh, my God.
Leftovers! Air, nothing, more air, space, air, not spaghetti, not meatloaf, missing chili, absence of mac and cheese! There must be some food here.
The devil's trees.
No! - Homie, relax.
- Okay.
I've decided to be a Tubberware salesperson.
Tubberware? Isn't that the thing where you find people to host parties where you then sell everyone plastic food boxes? Well, you do your Kickstarters.
Hey, if people pay to send me on my tour of rocking chairs in the Midwest, that helps everyone.
We really could use the money.
They're still garnishing your wages after that garnish war you waged.
Please, Homie.
I want to open a checking account so the family finally has one.
Marge, no wife of mine will ever have to work.
Is what men used to say for some insane reason.
You have my blessing.
Where's Jasper? He's late again.
Maybe we should feed the birds without him.
Don't tell me you fed the birds without me? You were in a coma! Mein Gott, what else happened? You won't like who's president.
It's not Bernie? [AMÉLIE THEME PLAYS.]
FRENCH NARRATOR: Lisa returned Jasper's childhood, and all she wanted was her own secret giggle.
: Jasper.
Oh, my God.
What do you got there? A bento box? Somebody's ashes? Apple TV? Oy.
One more guess, and I'm gonna need a nap.
When I was six years old, I brought my treasure box for show-and-tell.
Another kid took it, never gave it back.
And now, somehow, it's here.
I've been angry my whole life, but suddenly, the world seems magical.
FRENCH NARRATOR: For the first time ever, Lisa experienced a feeling that could only be described as magnifique.
I don't mean to overstate this, but the sun is shining a little bit brighter, because of me! Tubberware? I'd love to buy some.
No, you don't buy it now.
You have a party, and then I sell it to your friends.
- No! - [SIGHS.]
You have the party at your house Oh.
Then, when your friends fill out the order forms, we Oh.
If you host a Tubberware party, you get an exclusive gift: a lemonade pitcher! Ma'am, if the good Lord wanted us to store juice in plastic, he wouldn't have made a possum's bladder watertight.
JULIO: Okay, Marge, you're like a black hole of sadness and split ends.
What is wrong with you? I haven't booked a single Tubberware party.
I don't know why I thought I could do this.
I don't have that What's the Jewish word for "chutzpah"? You mean you have no confidence? I don't.
I always take the bad pancake.
I spend so much time putting sunscreen on everyone else, I get sunburned.
Just like with a doormat, the key is underneath.
- Huh? - You know what? I will throw a Tubberware party for you.
But it's gonna take me a while to plan.
- How about tonight? - You're on! What the heck are you doing? That's a punchbowl, and that's for leftover lasagna.
What?! Whoever heard of leftover lasagna? [GROANS.]
Maybe you should just go to Moe's.
Fine, but I'm not gonna get drunk.
Oh, okay, sweetie, I'll get drunk.
I just can't stay sober at you.
Ah! I can't do this.
I can't do this! Can't? Can't? Marge, I never want to hear you use the C-A-next-Tuesday word again.
You need to tap into your female warrior side.
I don't have one of those.
Then we're gonna have to create one! Makeover time! [AIR COMPRESSOR WHIRRING.]
Okay, think pretty thoughts! [HISSING.]
Now, get rid of those things on your feet and put these on.
It changes my whole body.
And what is going on back there? Behold, your rump has become a booty, baby! Mm-hmm.
Now go out there and sell some thingies! Mmm.
GRADY: Julio, what is this? I don't want to sit through some kind of sales pitch.
I just want a simple evening of appetizers, cocktails and nitrous oxide.
: Hello, boys.
I see you're checking out the merchandise.
Let me assure you, the lids match the tubs.
You should have told us this was a drag Tubberware party.
He's the most convincing woman I've ever seen.
Oh, oh, yes, yes.
He is quite the impersonator.
He calls himself "Marge.
" Perfect! "Marge.
" If she were any more camp, she'd be a Coleman lantern.
All right, boys, let's put tops on bottoms.
And you wanted to go dancing.
And voilà a Marge-tini! But don't worry.
That's not the only surprise I've got tucked away.
- She's funny.
- Bea Arthur funny? No one's that funny.
FRENCH NARRATOR: And that night, Marge sold more Tubberware than she ever imagined.
And I, drawn by the farcical premise, began narrating her story, too.
Look at all these orders! I'm really good at this.
Yeah, well, uh, you see, um "Marge" is good at this.
Yeah, Marge.
I'm Marge.
Okay, so here's what happened, okay? This is so important, I'm gonna drop the accent.
: Everyone thought - you were a drag queen.
- [GASPS.]
I felt so pretty, but the whole time, people thought I was a man.
A man who looked like a fabulous woman! Drag queens can be very beautiful.
Exhibit: me.
I call myself "Penelope Cruising.
" I was Mr.
Burns's date for the Kennedy Center Honors.
See? Look how cute I am.
All his dates have to give him transfusions.
Now I know why he said I was his type.
You get it? Well, the next time, I'm just going to be myself.
But that was you, you with confidence.
Oh, you're just being nice.
It was ju! It was ju! It was ju! And besides, the top Tubberware sellers they're all drag queens.
What? That can't be true.
So, what do you say, Marge? Are you in it to win it? CONTAINER: Go for it, Marge! Who cares if what's outside doesn't match what's inside? I'm labeled "Lunch Snacks," but people use me to store pot.
And I'm for storing bread.
All the bread you're gonna make selling Tubberware.
Did you just high-five that bowl? Be cool, Marge.
Be cool.
Homer, order anything you like.
It's on me.
I'm gonna need two menus and four tables.
And get rid of all this silverware.
- It just slows me down.
- I got it.
I got it.
We need help.
Someone get Mama back from bingo.
I am on my way.
But all you need is a "G.
" You should be like the "G" in gnocchi silent! Mmm.
Oh, Marge, thank you.
Thank you.
I'm so happy! And there it is.
Leftover lasagna.
D'oh! FRENCH NARRATOR: Lisa still felt sort of magnifique, but the magical feeling from her good deed started to fade.
So she thought: why not secretly bring magic into others' lives? Yes.
FRENCH NARRATOR: Her first project: restore the lost love between the identical-looking Kirk and Luann.
KIRK: Looks like dying my nose hair's really paying off! FRENCH NARRATOR: Next, Lisa helped Gil, Springfield's Pepé Le Pew, minus the charm.
Sir, would ya like one? No, huh? Well, I guess not.
Ma'am? Uh, maybe next time.
Come on! I only get paid if they're all gone.
And they check the trash, believe me.
Oh, my God.
People are taking them! I'm turning the heat on in my car tonight.
LISA: Bart.
Wake up.
Bart! I need your help again.
FRENCH NARRATOR: But Lisa's greatest challenge was to make Mrs.
Skinner believe in her son again.
So Lisa created an imaginary journal for Seymour, one that would mend all fences.
I have to get this fake diary into Skinner's house.
Here's the key.
Here's a floor plan of the house.
Oh, and here's some tuna.
I'm making his cat really fat.
So Lisa hid the diary where she knew Mrs.
Skinner would find it anywhere a grown man would expect privacy.
Huh? "Mother is a great woman.
" [GASPS.]
Seymour loves me! Oh, my God! How does a mother apologize for 50 years of ridiculing her son? A gift card now, and an apology on my deathbed.
Meanwhile, to help perfect her art and increase business, Julio took Marge to Springfield's hottest drag club, with its most confusing bathroom signage.
Marge, this is Queen Chanté, Barbra Streisman, the Mysterious Waylon, and Fiona Adams Apple.
Hello, squirrel-friend.
You're the tallest thing I ever [GASPS.]
And you're still getting up.
Honey, I spend half my day getting up and the other half getting down.
- Oh-kurr?! - This is the kind of confidence that you need.
The secret is to imagine the fiercest version of yourself, then realize you are that version! Mel, is that you? Yes! I've taped my bone between my legs.
Your Majesty, can Marge lip-synch with us? Honey, I'll tell you what I told Eddie Murphy: "Sure, why not?" So, tell me about this "Marge" character.
What is she like? Well, she's long-suffering, kind of a single mom and that's it.
She's a damn hero, is what she is, sis.
You've got all eyes on you A nasty housewife lady Come out of your mom shell And become a bombshell You've got this, Margie You're stronger than you know Get up and dance - Oh! - Get up, get up and Sashay with Chanté Work that blue bouffanté Do it, do it Oh All the boys say Women can have it all.
Even penises! She's so chic Such savoir faire Serving housewife realness Selling Tubberware She's a female phenomenon And much more than a mom So sexy, so snuggable Her cocoa is so chuggable Our blue duck has become a swan She's a Glamazon.
Sashay with Chanté Work that blue bouffanté Oh, hi, Helen.
Hi, Marge.
I heard you're selling Tubberware.
Money troubles at home? Why are you so bitter, Helen? Is it because your husband would rather play with his toy train than with you? - [GASPS.]
- All aboard! Not Helen! You better beware, Bart.
Mom just grew a backbone.
- [MRS.
- You mean it, Mother? You'll finally let me take karate lessons? I'll even buy you a gi.
Oh, I won't have to wear pajamas? Only at bedtime which I'm moving to after The Big Bang Theory.
Bazinga! FRENCH NARRATOR: All seemed well, but like Young Sheldon, it would not last forever.
Oh, hello, Mother.
Karate is so much better than I ever Seymour! I knew this journal was a lie! Um, how would you know that? Seymour never uses semicolons.
He says they make him queasy.
I don't even keep a journal.
I have no inner thoughts.
I planted that journal.
I'm sorry.
I did it so you'd be nicer to your son.
Nicer?! I spoiled the little loser! But not anymore.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, my God, that poor girl.
Go to her, Seymour.
Give her an "A.
" The teachers' union forbids me from giving out anything more encouraging than a pumpkin sticker.
You're a disgrace to that yellow belt! [GIGGLING.]
Look at me, boys! I'm living off my wife like Mr.
Meryl Streep! Don Gummer.
Homer, do you know exactly what Marge is up to? Because, uh, we know, and we've told everybody except you.
Like true friends.
What's going on? If you want to know the truth, - go to this address.
- That's the address of this bar.
That's right.
Get really drunk, then go to this address.
Are you on the list? I have to be on the list for a Tubberware party? Well, you do for this one.
Marge is like if Donna Reed and Donna Summer combined to solve all your food storage problems.
And rumor has it, out of drag, Marge is hot, hunky and all man.
My wife is none of those things! She leaves the room to burp! Marge! You didn't tell me you're tricking all these people into thinking you're a drag queen, when you're really a regular housewife in need of empowerment, and now that I say it out loud, it doesn't seem so bad.
She's not a female impersonator.
- She's just a personator.
- Women co-opt everything.
GEOFFREY: Good to see another couple in trouble.
- Let's go, Dewey.
- I'm not leaving till I find my butter tub.
Look in the mirror.
Kids, please give us a moment.
You're cool.
"Marjorie, I'm not a perfect man, "but I like to think I've evolved.
"I've accepted the several different actors "who played Batman.
I now believe cats should earn as much as dogs.
" I don't want to hear your stupid speech.
I had a moment of confidence, and now it's destroyed.
I'm going out.
You can watch the kids and wonder where I am.
I don't want anything to do with him.
Lisa, are you okay? I tried to play God, and like the real God, it went horribly wrong.
FRENCH NARRATOR: Life was a struggle for the Simpson women.
Even Maggie.
But where there is life, there is hope.
That was the beginning of a new day, a wonderful day, a day that would soon change the Simpson women forever.
: Oh Read the tots.
LISA: "Go to the roof"? Enjoy.
Next! NELSON: Huh? Aw, man! Lisa, would you join us for lunch? We decided to bring some magic into your life.
Ah, you deserve it, sweetie.
You're the only person in this town who thinks about someone other than herself.
The only person who would listen to old Gil when he She had finally found her place to eat lunch.
But what is this? Has Homer lost his will to drink? Homer, we're sorry we razzed ya.
We were just trying to hurt your feelings.
I am so sorry.
I don't know what I can do.
Nothing you can do.
Change your name, glue on a wig and find yourself a new woman.
That's it! Moe, you're a genius! Wish me luck.
Why do people always stride out without paying their tab? I have no idea.
But as God is my witness, I will find out! You two stay right there.
Everyone, I have two enormously sad things I feel a need to tell all of you.
Number one I've deceived you.
I'm not a drag queen.
Girl, you didn't deceive nobody.
We all knew.
I didn't know, but I'm super self-involved.
Now number two.
FRENCH NARRATOR: And, as always happens in such matters, number two is the kicker.
My husband and I have had more than the usual number of scrapes, but we've always gotten back to our love.
But this time, you all made me feel understood and supported, and therefore made me realize how selfish Homer is.
- ALL: Oh - Oh, honey.
And what hurts the most is that I can't imagine there's anything he can say or do to make me come back.
Well, then I went through a lot of work for nothing.
- Homie.
- Honey, I understand it now.
The feeling of power, the mystery, wondering: is she or isn't she? Hey, believe me, nobody is wondering, baby.
Ow! If you don't go to him, Marge, I will.
And he will never leave my kitchen.
My pulled pork banh mi keeps baby in the cradle.
When we're out there dancing Having a man dressed like a woman to win back his woman who pretended to be a man dressed like a woman is the most romantic thing I've ever seen.
FRENCH NARRATOR: And so all was well.
Au revoir jusqu'à la prochaine fois, or, in English Bye! So, are you a you're a drag queen now? I don't know.
I guess these days it's okay for everyone - to be everything.
- So, miss, are you alone? It's me, Homer! Hmm? Oh! All the good ones are either married or Homer.

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