The Simpsons s30e08 Episode Script

Krusty the Clown

1 Hubert, great work on the cafeteria gravy story.
Answered a lot of questions but raised a lot more.
[DOOR OPENS] I come bearing the thing you journalists hate most: news.
The Daily Fourth Gradian is hemorrhaging money.
Last month the paper lost $32.
[ALL GASPING] But you can't put a price on the truth.
I finally got a source to go on the record about dodgeball concussions.
Bombardment, bombardment.
[CRYING]: Bombardment.
I'm sorry, but I have no choice but to bring in a new editor.
The fifth grader who somehow turned the school poetry magazine into a cash-blasting fire hose: Billy.
Preschool is over, news skanks.
Today is gonna be like Carrie Underwood hosting the Country Music Awards we're in for a lot of changes.
You I can tell you're a real talent.
Get out.
You're fired.
See? No one's safe.
Fidget spinner.
What are you doing? Hubert's a good journalist.
Good journalism ain't paying the pizza man, toots.
We are going online only: pop-culture quizzes, sponsored lists, headlines that grab you by the book bag: "You Won't Believe What Milhouse Looks Like Now.
" You bet your book bag I won't.
But you can't just turn the school paper into online clickbait.
We have a responsibility to Oh, my God, it's still talking.
I hate you so much I'm giving you the most important job at this swipe rag.
- You're a what? - I'm a recapper.
Huh? What? A TV recapper.
I watch every episode of a show, then write a summary, followed by snarky comments and a letter grade.
Well, sometimes I do worry I have the wrong opinions about what I've just seen.
[HULA MUSIC PLAYING, KRUSTY SPEAKING GIBBERISH] [LISA GROANS] Ugh.
This isn't me.
What kind of person can just spew out an endless stream of knee-jerk reactions? They should hand out candy at Thanksgiving and stuffing at Halloween.
Say, Dad, you sure have a lot of strong opinions.
Why don't you watch this show and tell me what you think? Fight, fight, fight, The Itchy & Scratchy Show! - [LAUGHING] - [GASPS] Hey, yeah.
Ah! Ta-da! [SCREAMING] Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
The mouse and the cat hate each other.
That feels real to me.
It was quite a ride, and I was on board until the shawarma screamed.
Huh.
Very disappointing.
An instant classic.
Dad, you were born to describe TV at a fourth-grade level.
[LAUGHING]: Ooh, well.
Would you recap The Krusty Show for my school paper? All you have to do is watch TV and say things about it.
Just say things about TV.
Oh.
[CHUCKLING] [PHONE CHIMES] Krusty, a recapper is now reviewing your show.
Let me see that.
"Monologue seemed endless"? "Pie clearly hits face of stunt double"? "Overuse of comedic rule of three"?! [SCOFFS] Why would I possibly care about the opinion of this pathetic bottom feeder? Huh? B-minus?! - [YELLS] - [WOMAN GASPS] [PHONE CHIMES] C-plus?! Aah! - [PHONE CHIMES] - C-minus? Ow! Today's Krusty Show pulled out all the stops.
Which was a huge mistake, as many of the stops should have been left in.
D-plus.
[TIRES SQUEAL] I'll teach you to insult a thin-skinned Hollywood narcissist.
Oh, Tesla, your 900-pound feet of silent, instant torque is the perfect killing machine.
[GROANS] [TIRES SCREECHING, KRUSTY GRUNTING] Where do I know that guy? Aah! Aah! [SCREAMS] Vengeful clown! [TIRES SQUEALING] "Krusty is trying to murder me.
"If he does, it'll be the first time he's killed in years.
" - [PHONE CHIMES] - I'm not funny? You want to see something really humor?! "Running me off the road? Clearly, a murderer out of ideas.
" [GRUNTING] - Like my show! - [GROANING] Why? Is it season four again? Why, you.
- [HOMER CHOKING] - [TIRES SCREECHING] [BOTH GRUNTING] [TIRES SQUEALING] [BOTH GRUNTING] - Whoa.
- Whoa.
[BOTH SCREAM] [GRUNTING] Oh, please be okay.
Please be okay.
If anything happened to you, I-I don't know what I'd do.
Oh, give me a sign.
Let me know my world isn't over.
Don't look in my trunk! But if you do, a Chinese doctor says I need it.
Oh, you're okay.
All right, tell me who assaulted you, and we'll bring 'em in.
Unless it's gangs or motorcycle guys.
A motorcycle guy will whip you right in the face with his chain.
He doesn't care.
Krusty tried to run me off the road! But I'm still alive.
C-plus.
[GRUNTING] [GASPS] Ah.
- [SIREN WAILING] - Don't worry, Krusty.
I know a place where the police will never find you.
Yeah, good luck, kid, but I'm a big-time TV celebrity.
The last thing I could ever do is blend in.
Hmm? The circus? Why? You're a clown.
I won't stand here and be insulted! Y Oh, right.
Kid, I'm a TV clown not like these trapeze-sucking tent-fluffers.
Circus clowns don't talk, while I perform to camera with finely honed subtlety.
Hey-hey! [LAUGHS] [SHUSHES] Easy on the "hey-heys.
" The cops are looking everywhere for you.
I can't go to jail.
I just quit smoking.
What do I do? Huh? So, what do you call yourself? - Soggy.
Soggy the Clown.
- Thought we already had a Soggy.
Nah, nah, you're thinking of Moisty.
You're hired.
So, Soggy, uh, what's your act? Well, I can introduce cartoons, pretend to enjoy children's breakfast cereal.
Oh, and I completely blow my stack when someone takes my parking space.
You sound like a TV clown.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I hate TV clowns from how you just said that.
[SCOFFS] TV clowns.
Riding four to a car like royalty, eating their stew from a bowl instead of cupped hands.
And you know who's the worst is that white-faced Judas: Krusty.
Wait.
Circus clowns hate Krusty? Don't you? In my way I've hated him all my life.
Yeah, you get it, Soggy.
You're a good kid.
Anyway, this is where you eat, this is where you sleep, and this is where you sweep up the elephant crap.
So, all three in this cage.
Efficient, right? Now meet the finest clowns from the greatest closed circuses in the world.
Skitters, Bumpo, Wiggles, Clabby, Dr.
Pickles, Mr.
Bindle, Barrels, Drooly, Trembles, Blitzy, Handsy, Boobsy, Mr.
Boobsy, Baby Boobsy, the Boobsy Twins, Ding-a-ling, Bing-bong, Ring-a-ling, Flip-Flop, Fiddle-Faddle, Flap-Jack, and Scene Blow.
Nice to meet [GURGLES] Yeah.
[DOORBELL RINGS] It's him.
It's really him.
[GASPS] A regular dork and a girl one.
It is an honor to meet the man whose recaps were so devastating that the star of the show tried to kill him.
The secret is, say what happened.
Oh, it's like we're talking to Hemingway.
Or Shep Goldfein from TV Zorp.
How would you like to come recap for us full-time at Culture Smash? You'll pay me to watch TV? God bless you, content-addicted clickbaiters.
We'll start you on 30 shows.
This month? Uh, no, tonight.
Welcome to Peak TV.
This Is Us.
[CRYING]: This is me.
C-plus.
[TRUMPETS LOUDLY] Hey there, Soggy.
You excited for your first show? Nervous? I'm not nervous.
Get this kid.
"Nervous.
" [SCOFFS] Nervous.
Well, you sure are saying "nervous" a lot.
Shut up, you nervous little punk.
I'm the king of 4:00 p.
m.
TV.
I can clown the pants off these losers.
[SLIDE WHISTLE BLOWS, HORN HONKS] [GROANS] - [SNIFFS] Whoa, what is that? - [SHUDDERS] That's what the clowns here drink before the tent opens.
- It's called Hippo Juice.
- Do you even know what's in it? I need my Hippo Juice! [TIRES SQUEAK] [GROANS] [ALL GROANING] [LAUGHTER] [CROWD GASPS] [ROARS] [CROWD SCREAMS] [LAUGHTER] [GROANING] [CROWD BOOS] Okay, Walking Dead.
Too much walking, not enough dead.
C-plus.
Game of Thrones.
Who is everybody? A-plus.
Stranger Things.
Spielberg's back.
C-minus.
Homie, you're watching so many shows.
Why don't you take a break? We can open the third drawer of the nightstand.
The anniversary drawer.
[MOANS] Mmm.
Mmm.
Making out on the bed a familiar formula, but still delivers the goods.
Mmm.
Ooh, a butt-squeeze.
Motivated by character and moves the story forward.
Mmm.
Could an ear nibble be the thing to reinvigorate this tired franchise? Wait.
Are-are you recapping our snuggle? No, no, just pillow talk, baby.
If you say so.
Savvy viewers will notice the husband hasn't brushed his teeth.
That is it.
You're watching so many TV shows for your recapping job, it's ruining our life.
And don't you dare give me a letter grade.
Okay, I'll just let this be minus.
[GROWLS] It's either me or the job.
Hmm.
Marge creates what feels like false jeopardy.
No, the moment is well earned.
Oh, they just got rid of their best character.
[BART HUMMING] Soggy, a word of advice: you suck.
Turn in your Hippo Juice bucket, your hippo crystals, and your hippo pipe.
You're fired.
[HORN HONKS] Oh, come on, Tootso.
You don't really mean that, do you? - [HORN HONKS] - Oh, it's true.
I'm a terrible clown.
[CRIES] Cheer up, Krusty.
There's got to be another circus out there, a worse one.
Nah.
I'm not a TV clown.
I'm not a circus clown.
I'm nothing.
[PANTS] Soggy, the high wire bear got sick after eating the Guess-Your-Weight Guy, so we need somebody to do his act.
And none of the other clowns will do it because there's no net.
So, well, we thought of you.
You mean a last chance to redeem myself? No.
No, no.
If you live, you're still fired.
Oh, who cares? I'm in.
[TO TUNE OF "ENTRANCE OF THE GLADIATORS"]: I don't care If I live or die Wait, I do, I want to die Who will claim my body? Maybe the monkey Do-do-do-do-do.
Whoa! Oh.
Whoa! [GRUNTS] Ow! [SCREAMS] Oh! Whoa! [GRUNTING] - [GROWLING] - Ow.
[SCREAMS] [GULPS] [ALL GASP] [ROARS, COUGHS] Ta-da.
[CHEERING] They're applauding.
And there's no applause sign.
I didn't know that was possible.
Circus cheers are the greatest cheers in the world! RINGMASTER: There he is, there's our new star.
That was the most daring act I've ever seen.
And I saw a circus do a Beatles tribute without permission.
I think I'm falling for you, Soggy.
I don't think you're really my type.
Mmm, you.
[LAUGHS] [SPEAKING GIBBERISH] [MOANS] My whole life up till now was nothing.
From this day forward, I am Soggy, Soggy the Clown! [CHEERING] [LION SNARLS QUIETLY] - [SNORING] - [ALARM RINGING] [GASPING, GRUMBLING] - [ALARM STOPS RINGING] - [SNORING] [HORN HONKS] I'm flattered, Tootso, - but I'm already seeing someone.
- [BOTH MOAN] I'll meet you behind the seal tank in half an hour.
[HORN HONKS] Good news.
Your agent just called.
A Japanese game show needs an American celebrity to pop out of toilets to scare couples on dates.
The cops will never find you.
Two weeks ago, I would've jumped at that.
But I'm a circus clown now.
But you're a big-time TV star.
Ain't the circus worse by far? Oh, I used to love celebrity, but I've got big top clarity.
[JAZZY]: Because Circus clowning - Is the life for me - [BIRD SQUAWKS] Gonna flip the bird to lousy kids' TV Circus folk have real camaraderie I can't be fired 'cause they don't test my pee He'd be positive for every sedative Circus laughter, there's no greater high Crowd is fired up 'cause they might see you die If he breaks his neck What a thrill they'll get All my problems have been solved for free Talking to the bear sure beats therapy A hug can beat fear of women's feet Can I join the circus if I'm only ten? Here's a fake I.
D.
, now your name is Ben Ain't no mom to keep me safe and sound I get to juggle swords Eat corn dogs off the ground So, good riddance to TV I feel alive instead of live-plus-three ALL: Because circus clowning Is the life for me.
- [ELEPHANTS TRUMPET] - [WHISTLE BLOWS] Bad news: - we're shutting down the circus.
- [GASPING] Shutting it down? But why? - A terrible video got out.
- Which one? - The video we sell here at the circus.
- [CIRCUS FOLK GASPING] If they close this place down, what do I run away to? College? It's all over.
I'm losing the only happiness I didn't have to chug, snort, shoot, bet on, or get enlarged.
For the first time, I was a real clown.
[CRYING]: And now I've lost that.
To save my marriage, effective immediately, I'm resigning as recapper.
My apologies to Culture Smash and the entire Garbage Blast media family.
Mm.
- MAN: Get in.
- Okay.
Homer, I'm the CEO of a major media conglomerate.
We can't have you quit.
You're one of America's top recappers.
I had to quit; recapping was ruining my marriage.
There were so many shows, I couldn't keep up.
It's true.
Currently there are over 500 scripted shows on network, cable, and streaming.
Why are you making so many shows? No one could watch more than 300 of them.
Oh, we don't care if people watch.
We just care if they subscribe - for $13 a month.
- [GASPS] You see, if people subscribe but don't watch, then we don't actually have to make the shows.
We just need viewers to believe they can watch them.
Fake shows? But what if people try to see them? They won't, because recappers like you will give those shows a B-minus.
No one ever watches a B-minus.
But, but that's crazy.
It could never work.
It already has.
Are you familiar with the USA Network? Sure.
Royal Pains, Suits, White Collar.
Have you ever seen any of those shows? No, but somebody must have Surely somebody There is no USA Network.
There hasn't been for 20 years.
It's just bus ads! Oh, my God.
Peak TV is a lie.
Your plan is insane.
Perhaps.
But not as insane as making that many shows.
I never had faith in God or family, but I had faith in television.
And I won't let you do this to Him.
I have everything you said recapped right here.
And I'm gonna tell the whole world every detail of your terrible plan.
Hey, there's half a birthday cake in the break room.
Mind if I? All right, I get it, I get it.
[PANTING] No, no, you can't close the circus.
There's got to be a way to keep this place running.
If we only had 50 grand, we could start over with a new name and a new act.
Yeah.
We can get the Flying Branzinos.
Nobody pickpockets a crowd like those guys.
[CRYING]: But we don't have the 50 grand.
[SOBS] The circus is done.
[KRUSTY AND BART GASP] No, no, listen.
[GROANS] I can get you your money.
With this.
You're gonna teach us to read? No.
I'm Krusty.
[CIRCUS FOLK GASP] - [KRUSTY GRUNTS] - [GASPING] Hey-hey.
[CHEERING] On the count of attempted murder of Homer Simpson, the jury finds Herschel Krustofsky not guilty? [ALL GASP] It was self-defense, Your Honor.
That recapper gave Krusty's show bad grades.
It was justifiable Homer-cide.
He gave Outlander a B-minus.
That show knows what it wants to be.
Come on.
Ooh, I've heard that gets really good about eight episodes in.
Krusty, you're free to go.
- [LAUGHS] - Mmm.
[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS] Is there room on that train for one more clown? Well, he did save the circus.
What do you say, Scuzzo? [CRYING]: Please, I'm not Krusty anymore.
I'm a circus clown.
I'm Soggy.
You're a, you're a TV clown.
The greatest TV clown I've ever had the honor to know.
But you're a traitor to our kind.
- [GRUNTS] - [GROANS] - [GRUNTS] - [GROANS] Goodbye, circus.
Goodbye.
[GURGLES] - [MR.
TEENY GRUMBLES] - Another terrible show.
- Thanks a lot, Chris Pine.
- [CHATTERS] And now the bad recap.
They always find some new chump to tear me down.
"A"? I got an "A"? Everything I've ever done has been great! I'll never be sad again.
[BOTH CHUCKLING] "A" is for Ralph.
[KRUSTY YELLING] Dad, Look! They posted our story this morning.
Hmm.
Together we've exposed the truth.
It'll be the one legitimate piece of journalism on the whole site.
What's with this boring Peak TV article? My patience is growing shorter than Rachel Maddow's crew cut.
How many times do I have to tell you: no bait, no clicks.
Hey, you, yeah, gummy bear, put up a slideshow that'll get me some eyeballs.
Eyeballs! [BIRDS CHIRPING] [COMPUTER CHIMES] Ooh.