The Simpsons s30e15 Episode Script

101 Mitigations

1 [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BURPS] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] Refill! HOMER: Kids, is there anything better than when a restaurant misprints a coupon? - [SNAPS FINGERS] - And with the money we saved, your mom is getting a Swedish massage.
[EXHALES] All the tension's going [IN PATTY'S VOICE]: out of my body.
[GUTTURAL MOANS] Now let's take one deep breath of this classy place before we go back to our lousy car.
- [ALL INHALING] - [FRENCH ACCENT]: Excuse me, that air is the property of this restaurant.
Fine, I'll give it back.
[BELCHES LOUDLY] [LAUGHTER] - Good one.
- [BELCHES] - [BELCHES] - Memory book.
Okay, kids.
I admit we hustled the restaurant there, but that's it.
I don't want you to think this is the way you get ahead in life.
Do not take advantage of someone else's mistakes.
- Your car, sir.
- But that's not [HEAVENLY CHORUS] You see that, kids? It's the kind of car they don't make anymore.
Windshield that breaks into a thousand glass razor blades.
Your lap is the cup holder.
Vinyl seats that can melt your ass.
God, do I want to drive it.
[SHUDDERS]: Oh so useless.
This is the car I've always wanted.
You'll never have a car this nice.
You'll never have a girlfriend this cute.
That's right! And you'll never have exhaust this toxic.
[TIRES SCREECH] Oh, I need this.
I've always needed this.
Get in, kids, get in.
Dad, what were you just telling us? This is morally wr Whee! Pull every knob.
Press all the buttons.
Find out what things do.
[GRUNTING] Don't you "chitty chitty bang bang" me! - [GRUNTING] - ["CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG" PLAYING] Ooh, what's this crank for? Duh, rolling down the window.
Hmm.
How do I put on the air conditioning? Uh, you're doing it.
Aw, cool.
An ashtray.
[GASPS] A full ashtray! Uh-uh-uh! Bad, bad, bad! Ah, smooth.
Bad, bad.
[SMALL CAR HONKS] [HONKS] Now, to tie them in a bow.
[GRUNTS] My husband he's doing something incredibly stupid.
Look at this beautiful color.
Seafoam.
This is what cars used to look like.
And what the sea used to look like.
- [TIRES SCREECH] - LISA AND BART: Whee! Whoa! Put this on the list of things we don't tell your mother.
Including the fact there is a list.
LISA: Aw, it's over.
Now, to teach you kids a life lesson.
Moments of pure joy always have consequences.
We already knew that.
Yeah.
Why do you think we exist? Quick! Put on your innocent faces.
Innocenter innocenter.
Uh, yeah, I'm, uh, I'm sorry, you gave me the wrong car.
The moment I realized, I brought it back immediately.
You stole my car.
My precious 1957 Cadillac Eldorado Biarritz convertible in the original seafoam, with the illegal brodie knob.
Oh, God.
Tell me right now you did not touch my brodie knob.
Absolutely not.
This is the brodie knob.
Oh.
I was all over that thing.
You're in big trouble.
They're gonna charge you with grand theft auto.
A lousy game but a magnificent law.
Listen, I'm sorry.
Really sorry.
I just wanted to give my kids a ride, show them the house I was born in, show them the house I'm gonna die in, then drive through a cornfield for kicks.
Whoo-hoo! I gave you the USS Enterprise, and you returned with the Orville! I am so sorry.
You're absolutely right.
I'll get it fixed by a pro.
I'll get you a license plate frame saying "My other car is a" insert dumb movie reference.
Tron Legacy Light-Cycle.
Well, okay.
I suppose I could allow you to oh, God! No! My mint condition copy of Radioactive Man number one! [GRUNTS] This was the comic I always wanted most since I was an athletic, popular child.
Look, you're a nice guy.
When have you ever seen me be a nice guy?! I am pressing charges! Is this yours? Yes.
Simpson, get on the bike.
Put your arms around me.
Now, head on my shoulder.
Yeah aw, that's nice.
And don't lean the same way I do [CHUCKLES]: or we're both dead.
Uh, by the way, you're under arrest.
Uh, doesn't the law say I need a helmet, too? Another law you're breaking.
Why are you riding a motorcycle? It's not for fun! I got arrested! That's worse! Your Honor, I'm scared.
Okay, I screwed up.
If you'll permit, may I read a speech in my defense? Did your daughter write it? Absolutely not.
Sir, if an opportunity came along to give your kids a memory they'll never forget, wouldn't you hop in the driver's seat? A golden day with their dad.
What could be more innocent? All I know is that as that gas gauge read empty, our hearts were full.
Full of love.
Love of what our country does BEST: build cars 60 years ago! [SNIFFLING] I'm a judge.
But I'm also a father.
A father whose ex-wife only lets him see the kids on summers and Christmas.
I don't need you to rub it in.
I find the defendant guilty.
Your Honor, I'm not the one on trial here.
Yes, you are.
[ALL GASPING] "Hire a lawyer," I said.
"Waste of money," he said.
This is what I spend my time in courtroom audiences for.
This is my Starbucks.
Two weeks.
Two weeks to turn this around.
Lisa, can we get the state to change its sentencing guidelines in the next two weeks? Ah, the legislative calendar is pretty full.
And they take off the second week for Easter.
Roman Easter! To the Byzantine world, it's nothing! I'm afraid we have to prepare for the possibility that you might go to prison.
ANNOUNCER: The Arts and Incarceration Channel presents When soft men do hard time.
INTERVIEWER: What advice would you give to a new inmate? Everything can be a weapon.
I saw a guy get his eye gouged with uncooked spaghetti.
You sound like you've seen a lot.
I've seen things and done things I ain't proud of.
And I'm the chaplain.
I can't take this, Marge.
Maybe I can make peace with Comic Book Guy.
Do you think so? He's an angry man.
His favorite thing is Star Wars, and he hates Star Wars.
I'll talk to him.
Careful, Marge.
He's a lazy, overweight slob.
Don't fall in love with him.
Comic Book Guy, my husband is really sorry.
Okay, he screwed up.
But he doesn't belong in prison.
I beg to differ.
That car is very special to me.
When I was young, my father took me in it to - Buy comic books? - No, not comic books.
Everything in my life is not comic books, okay? We bought baseball cards.
Look, we'll detail your car and fix your comic book.
This is not about my car.
It is about me getting respect.
I want all the Little Lulus five dollars can buy.
And make it snappy, Blobba the Hutt.
Jabba is actually quite slim! For a Hutt.
Just get the Lulus.
Or I'll take my business to Build-A-Bear.
Here you go.
Five dollars' worth of Little Lulus.
As for you, I am not budging.
Like the door of Superman's Fortress of Solitude when the Beatles tried to visit.
Pure folly.
That comic is noncanonical.
The only thing noncanonical in my store is Snoopy dressed as Sgt.
Rock for an ill-timed Vietnam war ad.
I see.
Well, I'm sorry to have bothered you.
Yes, don't let the door hit you on the way out.
No, seriously.
It's just been painted.
Oh.
That's what being nice gets you.
Mom, Dad, I think I found the answer on the Internet! Lisa, nothing good ever comes from YouTube.
Except ducks eating watermelon.
No, no.
Sentencing mitigation videos.
People have had their jail terms reduced, or even gotten off death row by producing slick video appeals to the judge.
Finally, a way for rich people to bend the system their way.
Mr.
Burns got off the hook once by using a video directed by Guillermo del Toro.
Hello, I am, uh, film director Guillermo del Toro.
Uh, when I was a young boy, I fell in love with monsters.
Frankenstein's monster, King Kong, Son of Kong, Nosferatu, Godzilla, Mechagodzilla, Godzilla's nephew Godzooky, Mothra the caterpillar, Mothra the moth, the Blob from The Blob and Godzilla's cousin, Sheldon Godzilla.
Lesser known but equally horrifying.
Monsters, yes.
But they are capable of love.
Which brings us to Montgomery Burns.
Oh, hello.
Did someone mention me? DEL TORO: From birth, he was not wanted.
Then came the real monsters: the bullies that hated him just because he was wealthy.
And maybe he rubbed it in a little.
But no one knows the real Mr.
Burns.
I love Señor Burns.
Who are you? He combines the ancient evil of Cthulhu with the trim physique of Slender Man.
Señor Burns demonstrates that in all so-called monsters beats a heart.
Thank you for listening.
And thank you, Georgia Film Commission, for the 22% discount.
I'll see you wherever free people congregate.
Like the Yale Club.
[ORCHESTRAL FANFARE] Wow.
Maybe I've been all wrong about evil.
Once again, Mr.
del Toro stripped away the darkness and found beauty at its core.
Like that fish-snuggling movie.
Excuse me.
[COUGHS] Ah you told me you've never been to Missouri.
You're right, honey.
Hollywood can solve anything.
Except its own lack of creativity and diversity.
Now, how do we make this thing? I think we should use a videographer.
There's one left in town.
I will do anything for your wedding video.
Color, black and white, or Polaroid Swinger, cha cha cha.
I gotta warn you, my camera hand is shaky because I have a major vitamin E deficiency.
No problemo.
It works fine if you just nod your head like this [WARBLING] You know, we could just do it ourselves.
Yeah.
Those are the words that are killing my profession.
Now you say nice things about me.
So what is it you're looking for? Words or something? Uh, human words? Okay, uh, Homer Simpson, uh, well, real family man.
Yeah.
Always brings his kids into the bar.
Not one of them aristocrats who gets all bent out of shape when there's a mouse in his beer.
Hey, Moe.
I need you to file a serial number off a wheelchair.
HOMER: Cut! Hmm Homer Simpson? How can I put this? Ah, we've never had an employee get rehired so many times.
Homer Simpson has two children enrolled in our school.
That's all I'm comfortable saying.
All right, let's see what you got.
I had to edit a little.
Homer Simpson.
Family man.
Happy.
Aristocrat.
Too.
Cool.
Comfortable.
Homer is a grace to the family.
He is an ape le father.
I warned Marge marry him.
That's the best you can do? I'm screwed! Not while I can use Final Cut Pro.
We'll start from scratch.
Using the only two things people still believe in: babies and dogs.
[SNOWBALL II MEOWS SADLY] Sorry, Snowball, cats are polarizing.
[MEOWS SYMPATHETICALLY] [SIGHS] Please just give us something we can use.
We're ready.
Oh, now the dog won't cooperate.
There's a trick that always works with Kevin James.
[PANTING] I think I'll color this man father MARGE: He's a guy who gets off at 5:00 and comes directly home to be with his kids.
Said I'm gonna color him father Color him father He's incredibly generous to his friends and neighbors.
In his spare time, he loves PTA meetings.
Helping with the Cub Scouts.
Or just going to the movies.
This is Maggie, our baby.
And she understands what's going on.
She's never said a word, but I get the feeling she wants to say something now.
Nee Da dy.
What a man.
And now we pray.
Bless us, O Lord, for this bountiful feast Not that prayer.
I must say, I am impressed.
So, unless the prosecution has a rebuttal, I'm inclined to Not so fast.
Do you have a video, too? No, that would be pretentious.
- Very well, then.
- I have a speech.
[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING] Comic book sales is a very fragile field.
Kids hate to read, the stores smell like farts - and bubble gum - [MURMURING IN AGREEMENT] Then the things I cherish most my father's car, my precious, precious comic, and most important, my dignity were taken from me.
I'm just your ordinary small businessman.
Never took anything from anyone.
But I did dare to think I would be treated with respect.
I have so many fictional heroes, Your Honor.
For once, please give me a real one.
[GRUNTS] Best.
Courtroom speech.
Ever.
Yes! I will render my sentence tomorrow.
I thank you.
Good night.
Boom.
Wait, wait, wait.
Do you want to go to a movie? I'll go to a movie with you, Judge.
- You won't be available.
- Oh.
Dad, the computer says That computer has brought me nothing but trouble and sports scores while I'm at church! A store in Ogdenville just put up the same Radioactive Man comic that we destroyed in perfect condition.
It's my last hope at freedom.
I mean, how much could an old comic cost? [WHISPERING] [WHISPERING] - Are you done? - No.
[WHISPERING] [TIRES SCREECH] You can't be closed.
It's Tuesday at 4:30! Do you not see the "closed" sign written in Wakandan? And I wasted high school learning German.
Was fur eine Schande! Well, German is Earth's closest language to Klingon.
Come on in.
What do you want? I'm extremely busy.
Mm-hmm.
I want to talk to you.
I see we have reached the epilogue of our little drama.
[SCREAMS] No, not the epilogue.
Still plot.
Still plot! Look, I know we've had our differences, but we can still be friends.
Like when Superman teamed up with Lex Luthor.
That was an imaginary story written by Harlan Ellison because he wanted to get fired.
Well, maybe this will tickle your ponytail.
- [BOING] - [GASPS] The Ogdenville copy! It lives! Am I forgiven? I'm afraid not.
No.
I don't have a choice.
The grudge is still inside me.
Which is also the name of a low-budget Roger Corman movie.
Oh! What does it take? How to explain what I am feeling.
Uh look around.
What do you see? Uh a bunch of stuff that other people threw out? Like a mirror, you see everything but understand nothing.
Get out.
[SIGHS] Let's go.
Oh, my God! Oh! Is that a season one Welcome Back, Kotter key chain? It is! The proof a John Travolta who is happy to be there! How did you get this? [APPLAUSE ON TV] Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Max? He was the halfback in the family.
If you gave him a sandwich, you got half back.
[ALL LAUGHING] [GIGGLING] This is for you, son.
Don't say I never gave you nothing.
Are you gonna give me anything else? Nope.
One thing.
Homer, when you look at your precious totem there, how does it make you feel? I never thought of it before.
I touch it all the time.
I feel unhappy if I don't have it.
Sometimes I dream about it.
[GASPS] I think I love it! Well put.
Now understand this.
Dah! That is how you made me feel! [WHOOSHES] Now you see.
And you may consider the charges dropped.
Let us shake hands, drink rice wine, and enjoy Swedish Fish candy.
Are you saying I'm off the hook? Yes.
In fact, you may be surprised, but you are now my best friend.
So I'm not going to prison? No, you are going to Comic-Con with me.
Oh.
Hmm.
Let me see, let me see.
Dad, just say yes.
Is prison still an option? No.
Not until you hold down Harrison Ford while I clip off his fingernails.
- Let's get to it.
- [GROANS] [SNORING] - What's this? - Mitigation video.
When I first met Bart, I was just a nerdy kid with glasses.
But now this blue-haired butterfly's ready to emerge from his pupa! [SIGHS] Simpson, you think this is helping you? [BART LAUGHING] Skinner's a jerk.
Skinner's a jerk.
Skinner's a jerk.
Skinner's a jerk.
Skinner's a jerk.
Skinner's a jerk.
Skinner's a jerk.