The Simpsons s30e16 Episode Script

I Want You (She's So Heavy)

1 [SHRIEKS] [SCHOOL BELL RINGS] [BELCHES] [TIRES SCREECH] D'oh! [GRUNTS] [APPLAUSE] [STAMMERS]: You sit on me.
There's a remote in my crack.
Uh, Problems I Have! I could use a slip cover.
Um, uh, Things Your Sister Would Say! No.
Uh [GASPS] You haven't replaced me since 1989.
Things a Couch Would Say! - Yes! - [BELL DINGING] Hopefully, we won't be out too late, Shauna.
[VALLEY GIRL ACCENT]: Whatever.
And just for the night, could you lose the tongue ring? Whatever.
Homer, is it too late to change babysitters? Yes.
So I'll have to stay home.
I don't think we have to Homer.
Yes, Marge?! We both have to go to Drug Awareness Night! [SIGHS] I guess we have no choice.
Here's the number for the poison control center, the allergy hotline, and, if the kids misbehave, Papa John's Pizza.
Don't worry, Mrs.
Simpson.
We'll take great care of your kids.
"We"? Uh, me and God.
Okay, then.
We'll see you soon.
[MOANING] Want to watch videos of pythons swallowing stuff? Uh, can't we watch something with kittens? Oh, there's kittens in there.
[KITTEN MEOWS] This is pointless.
We learned all the new dangerous drugs last year: sprack, zup, borzo, and crystal bam.
I hear they're mixing bam with zup.
Interesting.
Bam and zup.
[CHUCKLES] This seminar's already paying for itself.
Homer Simpson, are you watching football through your pants pocket? But do you know how much love is lost between these teams? None! Turn it off! This bag of concentrated death is what the kids today call "blizzard.
" Allow me to demonstrate.
On Skin-ner! Superintendent, I-I must protest.
I'm an educational professional who - [GRUNTING] - That's a good boy.
Take your medicine.
[INHALES, SIGHS] Oh, let's get out of here.
I guess we can watch the PowerPoint presentation in bed tonight.
Oh, that sounds magical.
[QUIETLY]: Just don't be conspicuous.
[PHONE RINGING] Ooh, it's Lenny.
Homer, I found my birth mom! Her name is Cheryl, and she wants nothing to do with [MARGE GROANS] [GASPS] A wedding expo! Marge, there is no way I'd ever be interested in Is there a girl in that cake? No, just cake.
Oh that is so sexy.
After you, Marge.
Ooh, a wedding expo! It's like going to a thousand weddings at once.
Sneaking in will be the most romantic thing we've ever done.
More than our real wedding? A thousand times more.
I was pregnant, and you had a fever of 103.
103.
4.
Aw, you remembered.
["ALLEGRO NON MOLTO" FROM VIVALDI'S FOUR SEASONS PLAYING] [SNIFFLES] It's so beautiful.
[SNIFFLES] Oh.
Even the prenups are gorgeous.
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING] Your bride will look radiant next to these hideous bridesmaids dresses made in colors known to scare seagulls.
Oh, so beautiful! Come back here, you.
You've got 12 more drugs to test.
I both see and am God.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] Who will protect me when you die? Nothing's gonna happen to [GRUNTS] Does this house have a mixer? We could make face cookies.
[CHUCKLES] Aw! You're gonna make such a good dad.
[MOANING] [GROANS] I feel like a walk.
You want to take a walk? I feel glued to my seat for reasons I don't understand.
It's all over, sweetheart.
The curse is broken.
Grandma will take care of you from now o - [GROANS] - [BUZZING] Ah! Come on! [SHAUNA GIGGLING] JIMBO: Let's see if we can both fit in Homer's underwear.
This is very sobering.
Why did we think this would be cool? What are you kids doing out so late? Babysitter party at our house.
Why don't you come inside for a mug of cocoa? - [DING] - Coco-nut, that is, to fill your belly with much-needed potassium.
[CHUCKLES]: Grins, people.
Thanks.
Potassi-yum.
This was a great idea.
It's like all the fun of a wedding without the boredom of a wedding! And who are you two? Um, why, we're wedding planners! Yes, and we're wondering about your products.
[GIGGLES] For our clients.
Well, the Toast Master is an AI-powered microphone that guarantees your best man's toast will be heartwarming and tasteful, no matter how drunk or passive-aggressive he is.
Ooh.
Give it a try, Homie.
Oh, I couldn't.
Pretend one of my sisters is getting married.
That hairy-legged ashtray? Give me the mic.
When I heard a guy was marrying Selma, - I thought, That poor - MALE VOICE: Genius.
- must be - Fully sighted.
- and - Not marrying her to harvest her organs.
[LAUGHS] Thank God.
The Heffernans.
Oh, right.
That's me.
D.
R.
Heffernan.
- [QUIETLY]: That's "Doctor.
" - Right.
Dr.
D.
R.
Heffernan.
The keynote speech is in two minutes.
- What's a keynote speech? - [CHUCKLES] Imagine Dr.
Heffernan asking me what a keynote speech is.
This way.
Finally, things are looking up for the person I'm pretending to be.
[LAUGHTER] And the number one new wedding trend is True love! AUDIENCE: True love! True love! Buy our book if we have one.
I'm starting to think that's not Dr.
Heffernan.
[MOANING] [CHUCKLES] What a [MOANS] perfect night.
You wait here while I go [SEDUCTIVELY]: pay the babysitter.
- [LAUGHTER] - [LOUD MUSIC PLAYING] I'm not paying you! Get out of my house! - Later.
- And now, my lady, to the boudoir, which I believe is somewhere near the bedroom.
[CHUCKLES]: Ooh! Ooh! [GRUNTS] Have I picked you up yet? I can't te Oh! [STRAINED]: You're so light! [GRUNTING] - Ow! - [INHALES DEEPLY] [STRAINED]: Perfect end to perfect night! Voulez-vous coucher avec - [CRACKING, POPPING] - [SCREAMS] [GRUNTING] - What the?! [SHOUTING] - Ow! [BOTH GROANING] I guess we should stop listening now.
No one's making you stay.
Marge, I'm afraid your days of walking are over.
Oh, my God! For about 36 hours.
By then, this mild ankle sprain should be good as new.
It's my fault.
Homie wouldn't have dropped me if I hadn't put on a few pounds.
Nonsense.
It's not your fault you're married to a this.
[MOANS] And it was such a good date night.
Well, now it's a hernia morning.
See, you've got a tear in your abdominal wall and a section of your intestine has pushed through.
Aren't you going to chuckle? An inguinal hernia is no laughing matter.
[CHUCKLES] "Inguinal.
" Will I need surgery? Possibly.
But don't be alarmed.
It's just some scalpel work around your scrotum.
[GROANS] - [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] - A little more.
- [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] - Little more.
- [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] - Little more No, those are the wipers! Oh, you just called OnStar.
Now, look, you two, you're not kids anymore.
Listen to your body.
It'll tell you what to do.
[ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH] WOMAN: OnStar operator.
What is your emergency? Every comedian I thought is funny is dead.
The Itchy and Scratchy Show! Hmm.
"Possible side effects may include hallucinations" [ANGRILY]: mm, "irritability, inability to fo cus.
" Blah, blah, blah.
"Do not mix with alcohol"? Fine, I'll drink it separately.
Boy, get me a beer.
- [BART HUMMING] - [GRUNTING] - Huh? What are you doing? - [CHUCKLES] Helping you get better.
I was watching Animal Planet, and they said, if it can't reach its own food, the hippo dies.
Why, you little! [CHUCKLES] Bart, honey, your father and I need you to be a little more grown-up.
Can you do that? I bet you can.
You got it, Mom.
[HUMMING] Honey, I signed us up for physical therapy this afternoon.
They sound terrific.
Even booking the appointment, they told me, "Great job.
" Absolutely.
I want to get better.
I really do.
I know you do.
We'll start tomorrow.
Mwah.
MALE VOICE: I would caution against physical therapy.
Guys like us don't look good in shorts.
Oh, why is it never hair growth? It's me, your hernia.
Homer, your doctor told you to listen to your body.
And I am telling you, just take it easy.
Are you sure? I just promised Marge.
Take it from your hernia.
[GIGGLES] [MARGE GRUNTING] [NEW ZEALAND ACCENT]: Oh, you've got this, Marge! Now, focus on your co-ah.
I guess I've been neglecting my key-aah.
Is it this? No.
All I can say is, if you have a muscle and you know what it does, then that is not the co-ah.
Oh, the core.
Right, that's what I said co-ah.
Now, what sports are we gettin' you ready for, Marge? Rollerblading? Uh, Muay Thai? No, nothing like that.
I only have to be in good enough shape to take care of an immobile 240-pound man.
Ah, so Homer isn't coming, eh? You know, I could go to him at work.
Oh, he's got enough stress at work.
All right, well, we'll get you into something.
Uh, mountain biking? Free bouldering? I got it.
Marge, we are going to get you kitesurfing! Kitesurfing? I could do that with Homie.
[ALARM BLARES] You know what? I'm not letting Homer drag me down this time.
Yes, I want to learn kitesurfing.
Let's go kitesurfing now Middle-aged ladies learning how Come on Kitesurf-ari with me Kitesurfing's a simple sport.
All you need is the wind and the waves.
And a spreader-bar, bindings, impact vest, chicken loop, donkey stick, squirrel clip, and, of course, parking pass.
Yeah, ruining people's day at the beach.
We are worse than sand in a hot dog, eh, Lou? You know there's a double murder downtown? Well, now it's a triple, 'cause you just killed my day.
Keep the kite swooping, Marge.
Follow the timing of my pecs.
Left, right, left, right, left, left, right Ah.
Don't look me in the eyes, Marge.
My pecs are down here.
There you are.
Left, right, left, left, right So, Mom is kitesurfing while Dad is eating three desserts.
Oh, your grandma and I had our differences, but we stopped arguing when she disappeared for three decades.
Oh.
Oh, it's so nice to get an evening out just with you.
Can I get you a baby chair? No? You're good? Homer's-a talking to nobody.
The Cat Lady is eating with cats.
Ralph is in-a the lobster tank? I'm expensive.
Homer, you're doing great.
Look at those guys eating half portions, trying to stay fit.
They're just setting themselves up to meet my buddies Torn ACL and Pinched Nerve.
Now, you, you're smart.
The most strenuous thing you're gonna do is fart "The Star Spangled Banner.
" Mm, that's got a difficult range.
Is there an easier anthem? Hey, the riskiest thing we're gonna do is have lasagna.
We just had lasagna.
Have it again! Nobody's gonna stop you.
I love you.
Who are you? Cirrhosis.
What's it to ya? Homer, I'm going to the beach.
I packed lunch for two if you want to come.
Oh, the beach.
Sure.
Let's get sunstroke, a hyperextended tendon, and wrap it up by getting decapitated by a Frisbee.
Hard pass.
Sorry, Marge.
Hard pass.
[SIGHS] It's been so long since you made a move on me.
Or any move.
Um, how about if I drone you a kiss? [KISS] [HORN HONKS] Hurry up, Marge.
We're gonna catch big air all morning, sleep all afternoon, then boil a sheep for breakfast.
I'm still on New Zealand time.
Been here 12 years but can't shake it.
Please, Homer, you're my husband.
Get up and live.
Sorry, Marge.
I got to go with my gut.
- [YAWNS] - [BLOWS RASPBERRY] If you don't come after me, there's a big problem.
The drone doesn't count.
Hey.
Can you watch the kids this afternoon? Sorry, Marge.
Hernia.
We make quite a team.
Who are you talking to? Hey, I do not have voices in my head.
[QUIETLY]: They're in my crotch.
- [GIGGLES] - Ooh! Just call my sisters to watch the kids.
[SNORING] Let's drop him in the woods and see if he can find his way back.
Our parents are drifting apart.
And as much as I don't enjoy doing this, I need the advice of the only couple we know that seems to like each other.
I'm stuck with you.
Relationships are simple, really.
Like, if Shauna's best friend Tiffany comes on to me, I make out with Shauna, but I pretend it's her friend.
Aw.
[MOANING] Tiffany.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Guys.
Guys, guys, guys.
Let's focus! Focus.
Please give me something useful.
Okay.
Your parents have just got to find something they both like doing.
Like, I like laughing at losers.
And I make losers happen.
- [GRUNTS] - [LAUGHING] [MOANING] [GASPS] Common interests! Of course.
TV ANNOUNCER: Back now to live coverage of Little XII college golf on ESPN-D3-2, your second home for Division III sports.
Dad, can you drive us down to the beach? I have a school project on sea turtles.
Don't listen to them.
You can see me?! It's always the babies.
Hey.
Where are the turtles? There are no turtles, Homer.
It's a trick.
These kids are trying to help you, 'cause they love you.
So there never were turtles? No turtles! I'm starting to think there were no turtles.
[GASPS] Marge.
She looks so beautiful.
I've been such a fool.
And you forgot to get a parking pass.
Heh.
Our work is done, Lou.
[SHUDDERS]: Oh I'll never let myself go like that! I'm-a comin', Marge! Ew! Gross! Homer, you're making me mad.
And if there's one thing you don't want to aggravate, it's a hernia! I'm Marge's husband, Homer.
Homer! Good-o! Would you like me to rehab you at work? I could come right to you.
Same price.
Maybe.
But now I need your biggest, fastest kite.
- The Widdamaka? - What? Can you say that without an accent? - [WITHOUT ACCENT]: The Widowmaker.
- Oh! That's scary! - Back to the accent! - The Widdamaka.
I'll take it! When I got married, I took a vow: "Something, something, something till death something.
" [YELPS] Homer! Rooster your gimbal! Rooster your gimbal! What does that mean?! Pull the rope! The other rope.
Homie! You came for me! And I'll never leave you.
Except right now when the wind blows me [FADING]: God knows where.
They're headed for a wind farm! [BOTH GASP] BOTH: Whoa! [KISS] Whoa! [KISS] Whoa! [NEW ENGLAND ACCENT]: Well, Mother, looks like we caught a couple more kiteboarders.
- I'll get the big ladder.
- I'll tell the hospital their power's gonna be down for a while.
Strong woman, I love you.
[EXHALES] And I love you.
And never again will I listen to a doctor.
Wait, that's not the takeaway.
Takeaway? That's a good idea! Yello? Pizza Palace? Can I get a Henry the Eight-Inch Pizza with extra meat? And a side of chocolate cheesy bread? No such thing.
- Can you make it anyways? - [GROANS] Chief, I've got to make dinner for my kids.
Could you please - tell me what this is about? - Like most physical therapists in America, this man is actually a Russian spy.
Nigel is a spy? Dimitri Nigelovonovitch.
Did you ever wonder why he was so interested in seeing your husband at work? I thought it was close to his house.
Didn't you ever ask yourself how a beach bum like him could afford a top-of-the-line 2007 Saturn SUV with a full spare tire? I guess I didn't want to know.
Just thank God, thank God your husband is entrapping him now.
Homer, I just need a few pictures of the co-ah.
- The what? - Goo-ah.
- The car? - Goo-ah.
Like a crow? Caw? Co-ahr-car? [RUSSIAN ACCENT]: Damn it.
Show me your reactor core.
All units, move in! ["THEME FROM MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE" PLAYING]