The Simpsons s30e17 Episode Script

E My Sports

1 - [WATER SPLATTERING] - Sorry, Dad, but it looks like I've conquered you at Risk, - bankrupted you at Monopoly - HOMER: Hmm.
Hmm.
and aggravated you at Aggravation.
Well, with you as a daughter, I'm a winner in the game of Life.
Although, I lost that, too.
[GRUNTS] Such a good father.
Everyone is really getting along.
What the hell is going on? There's no Bart.
- You're right.
- Where is he? Ladies, relax.
Remember when I said I'd punish Bart after he got us banned from the buffet? [BART CHUCKLES] I can't shut it off.
Someone wedged a seasonal Tuscan focaccia in the lever! [LAUGHS] Well, Homie, whatever punishment you gave him must have worked.
Yep, tough love.
I'm his father, not his best friend.
He'll hate me now, but someday he'll say wonderful things about me to people on airplanes who just want to go to sleep.
- That young man will - How did you punish him? Well, I sat the boy down, looked him straight in the eye, and bought him a top-of-the-line computer gaming rig.
- You what? - I get it.
You bribed him.
Stay out of this.
I did not bribe him.
I addicted him to something that will numb his spirit until he's no longer our responsibility.
Well, it has been pretty peaceful around here.
Kill! Die! Die! Get wrecked, newbs! [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] This is General Splattin'.
Do you copy? - Copy.
- BOTH: Copy.
Jinx.
You me a Coke.
[GROANS] I'll never be able to pay that bet.
Focus, Nelson, focus.
Kite the enemy into a gank.
Squeeze it - on three two - [EXPLOSION] GG! That means "good game.
" It's how the other team lets you know they surrender! HOMER: Mm.
Now I hit control-six to defile their corpses.
Haw-haw! Haw-haw! - Haw-haw! - [CHICKENS CLUCKING] [DANCE MUSIC PLAYS] Civilized annihilation.
Marge, the boy just may be learning some life skills.
Mom, do you agree with this? I guess so.
Your father is showing an interest in Bart, which is good.
Well, if that's how things work, then I'm gonna behave badly, too.
[BOTH LAUGHING] - That's great! - Sure you are.
I'll show you! I'm gonna tear up my homework.
[LISA GROANS] I'm really gonna do this.
Here I go.
[GROANS] Actually, this bibliography could be improved.
[LISA HUMMING A TUNE] - [TYPING] - Island of the Blue Dolphins.
Ibid.
Ibid.
Ibid.
Ibid.
Op cit.
Ibid.
Ibid.
Ibid.
Ibid.
Ibid.
Ibid.
[SHOWER RUNNING] Bart's been in the shower for an hour.
[CHUCKLES] With a young man that age, there's only one reason he's in the bathroom that long.
Skunk sprayed him good.
Oh, my God, he's playing with himself! On that game.
He's playing that game in the shower? We have to stop this right now.
Homer, take care of your son.
Make him quit.
[GROANS] Geez.
Sorry, boy, I have to put my foot down.
I can't quit now.
My team's about to compete in a tournament.
I can't let them down.
Well, team building is important.
All right, let yourself go, and your partner will support you.
[LENNY SCREAMS, GROANS] Damn you, Homer! Please, Dad, can I play in this one last tournament? Sorry, boy, you're through.
First prize is a thousand bucks.
You get paid to play video games? A thousand bucks.
- They actually pay you? - Yes.
- In dollars? - Yes.
- To play a video game? - That's right.
- They pay you in cash? - Yes, yes, yes! - How much? - A thousand! All right.
Do not tell your mom, but I'm gonna say yes, one last tournament.
Oh, thank you, Dad.
Just one thing they actually pay you? Yes! A thousand dollars to play video games? [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] Group up.
Time to put these suckers away.
Oh, yeah, show me some Gs, Odgenville.
We win! And it's all because I let them do it.
Now, apparently, the Evergreen Terrors have won, uh, this thing I don't understand at all, but which gave the school new basketball nets.
Now to hand you your prize money, which is $1,000 cash.
Let go, Seymour.
I'm telling myself to.
I've never held this much money in my hand all at once.
Let me just, uh [CHUCKLES] look at it.
$100 bill, autographed by Lawrence Summers.
Such a carefree signature, before the Great Recession.
HOMER: Mm.
Here you go, $200 each.
Mm! Okay, team, take a break and meet up for practice in 30.
My dad said we could all go to Krusty Burger.
Is he giving us a discount? No, he just said we could go.
It'll be nice to have some kids in there again, after what the monkey did during that birthday party.
[GROANS] Whatever.
Just meet in 30.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You know what, kids? I'm gonna blow your minds with a little bit of hard-earned advice: - Quit while you're ahead.
- KIDS: Huh? We can't quit.
There's so many more tournaments.
You won one video game tournament.
This isn't like baseball or politics where you can make real money.
You only have one childhood, kids.
Enjoy it.
Okay, but because we came in first we qualified for a tournament where we could win $500,000.
Childhood's over.
It's time for work.
[CELL PHONE BUZZING] Hmm.
Hmm? That's right, sweetie.
I'm going to make your brother a champion.
Knock off that racket! You're gonna defy Mom? - Sit on my knee, boy.
- I think I'm too old.
You're never too old to sit on Daddy's knee.
- [BONES CRACK] - Ow, my knee! Get off! Get off! [GROANING] Son, here's a life lesson: I don't directly tell your mother anything bad.
I secretly make her a part of everything she's against.
That's why I spent your winnings on her.
Honey, I got you a present.
MARGE [GASPS]: An espresso pod machine, like the one I made fun of at the Hibberts'.
Because you wanted it yourself.
Let me pod you, my dear.
- [MACHINE WHIRRING] - Ooh! What's the occasion? The occasion is that I haven't been as good of a father as I should.
Yes.
Well, no, uh Don't argue.
It's true.
I need to get more involved in Bart's life, so I've decided to be his coach.
That's wonderful.
Coaching what? Oh, I haven't landed on it yet.
Football, chess, maybe even a silly video game.
It doesn't matter.
Have some coffee.
I love how it doesn't fill the cup.
Very European.
Mmm.
- It's a video game.
- What? I guess if you're spending time together, what's the harm? [SINGSONGY]: Look who's a dad.
Look who's a dad.
I knew you'd be cool with it.
Also, I hired a video game expert to tutor Bart.
His name is The Detonator.
- [GROANS] - [DOORBELL RINGS] "I can't make conversation unless it's about gaming.
" Do you want to come in? Do you want to go where they're playing the game? Thank you, ma'am.
Homer, I've watched Bart play here, on his Twitch feed, and his HitForm, InstaBox, Gibtrack, Buzuba, and YergaPunch streams.
Hmm, the only word I recognized was Gibtrack.
I think Bart has what it takes to be top ten.
- Players? In the country? - Bigger.
- The galaxy? - Smaller.
- World? - Yes.
Whoo-hoo.
Kids, make sure you're in a chair that spins.
You're all gonna get a lesson from The Detonator.
Let's jump into a battle.
To start, Bart and Nelson, we'll put you up front, and we'll back you up with Sophie and Milhouse.
Booyah! THE DETONATOR: Notice my finger is clicking the mouse with a light, quick stroke to limit joint fatigue and tracking error.
I'm clicking like the mouse button is hot.
Not too hot; like the top of a toaster after an underdone bagel.
Okay, now I'm using that quick mouse stroke here and here, which is how, Bart, you should drop diamonite mines to surround their spawn points.
Milhouse, make sure you're in position to respond to enemy aggression.
Sophie, when they make their move, go in and engage.
My dad's been engaged 20 times.
I know what to do.
Okay, now we're entering the mid-game, where it's important to keep focusing on major objectives and control the map.
Okay, Homer, you watch the screen while I take a quick A.
P.
What's an A.
P.
? It's a gamer abbreviation for "a pee.
" Nerd lingo.
Saves so much time.
THE DETONATOR [OVER HEADSETS]: All right, I'm walking through the kitchen, blue-haired woman is feeding a baby.
I'm making eye contact.
MARGE: Your shoes have lace holes but no laces.
THE DETONATOR: Linoleum, linoleum.
Strafing into the bathroom, gonna go into defuel mode.
Lifting seat with shoe.
Pro tip: Going over the belt saves time.
Shaking, flushing and hand washing are the real time killers.
Once I cut those out, my lag time went way down.
Okay, these Water Mages have fuel tanks on their backs, so you can't hit them with standard spells, but if I equip this staff that lets me cast lava quadballs I mistimed it.
Oh, God, I mistimed.
They killed me.
Do you mind if I dance over your corpse? I'd be mad if you didn't.
- It's over for me.
- Why? I just lost my gaming edge.
Right there, just now.
Been in the zone for years, and now I'm not.
[SIGHS] Time in a bottle, man, time in a bottle.
But you were gonna mold my team into winners, and I was gonna live through them.
Just yesterday, I turned 19.
Made it longer than most in this crazy biz.
Anyway, I'm gonna go work for my uncle.
He owns a tile store.
It'll be a good life.
Good enough.
Sucks to be old.
I didn't cry at my grandpa's funeral, mostly because he was racist, but I'm crying now.
[SOBBING] [SOMBER MEDIEVAL MUSIC PLAYS] [CRYING] He taught us all he could.
Now it's up to me.
- Do we get uniforms? - No.
No uniforms.
You're a ragtag bunch without any sponsors that'll have everyone rooting for you.
Are you kids ready to turn this thing you like into something that will consume every waking minute? - KIDS: Maybe! - Hit the music! [DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYS] [TRUMPETS LOUDLY] [STOPWATCH DINGS] Kids, you need to practice 10,000 hours to get great.
Are you sure? It's how long Malcolm Gladwell needed to think it up.
Bart is a champion Which makes me a champion - I am the champion of the - Homer.
World.
Yes, Marge? I've noticed how much time you've been spending with Bart.
I know what's coming.
I'm riding him too hard, and you want me to pull back.
- No.
- What the? Honestly, I worry so much about that boy, I'm afraid he's going to wind up in jail.
Marge, his kill count is 98%.
Guys like that don't end up in jail.
And I promise you, I will coach him as hard as I can.
But will you also coach him to be a good man? That's Flanders' job.
- FLANDERS: I'm on it.
- Aw.
Mm.
[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING] Homer Simpson? Go right in.
Welcome, Homer.
Welcome to the club of dads who live through their glorious athletic children.
[GASPS] Tiger Woods' father.
Hey, I have a name, although I've forgotten it.
Okay, so it's 5:00 in the morning.
My son is four.
He hits the boards and starts bleeding.
His elbow's sticking out of his skin.
ALL: Ew! Yeah, I got my camera, and he says, [IMITATES CRYING] "Daddy, what are you doing?" I said, "I'm filming the last time you are ever gonna cry.
" [LAUGHTER] - Oh, that is great.
- Ha.
Excellent coaching.
Really? It's not mean? Homer, we're obsessive sports fathers, so we're gonna teach you how to motivate - the only way we know how.
- Don't hit me.
Oh, we're gonna hit you, all right.
With a song.
Never wanted Roland-Garros Never made it to the show Never won the Stanley Cup trophy For five years in a row There's nothing in our lives that we ever really did Except made our child a superstar And lived through our kid Live, live through your kid - Wake him up at 5:00 - [AIR HORN BLOWS] Live, live through your kid It's the only way to feel alive Strap him to a hockey stick While he is still asleep in bed Build a scary dragon to fire tennis balls Right at his head There's no training that's too torturous Or cruel to play this game Because when they win at Pebble Beach You share in the fame Live, live through your kid, homeschooled by his mom Live, live through your kid They'll surely come to hate you But that's later on There is absolutely nothing like Living through Your kid.
This is still part of the dream, Homer.
MAN: No uniforms? I'm rooting for those underdogs.
- Yay! - Yay! Yes, you are, and you don't even know why.
I just said, it's the no uniforms.
[LAUGHS] Not a clue.
Poke and harness those trolls.
On it.
Nelson, get ready to back me up in case their heroes engage on me.
On my way.
- It's a trap! - They're ganking me.
Damn it, they got me.
Respawning in 30.
They're control-sixing my corpse.
We're gonna win.
[CHEERING] It's coming, Gordy.
Hold on a minute.
Bart Simpson has not given the "GG.
" And the diamonite mine he planted in the dragon turds is exploding now.
[CHEERING] Springfield is going to the world championships in Seoul, South Korea, while the Canadian team is out.
- Huh? - "Out"? [SIGHS] "Oot.
" Yo, what the? Oh, come on, what's that - all about? - [GRUMBLING] And I am, too.
This is the last match I'll announce.
I'm going to spend my time oil painting, but my wife says not in the house.
Hey, sweetie, what's going on? I'm only talking to you now to prove a point.
You've been spending all your time with Bart, and you haven't paid any attention to me at all.
And I know you're just gonna respond with a, "That's nice, honey," and move on.
I know it.
That's nice, honey.
Bart and I are going to South Korea.
It'll be great, Lisa.
We'll have girls time here.
Bake cookies, see the movies we want to see.
Mom, I try to spare you because I don't want you feeling thoroughly appropriate guilt for what this family does to me, but now one of my dreams is within my grasp.
See? I want to go to South Korea, to the Jogyesa Buddhist monastery, because they teach something there so special, so magic, it could be life-changing.
It just never seemed possible, and I had to accept it.
I'm holding onto a thin rope here, because if Bart and Dad go to Seoul and I miss out, I'll lose my grip.
[SHOUTS] I'm losing it now! Hear me, hear me, dear God, someone hear me.
Help me before it's too late! Girls trip to South Korea.
Oh, thank you, Mom.
I'm going down to the basement to get my happy diary.
You do that.
Pretzels, M&M's, Pringles.
It's a complete Thanksgiving dinner.
Pringles are for champions only.
Milhouse, can I have a word with you? Oh, no.
This is never, ever good.
[CHUCKLES]: Don't worry.
This will be good.
I lied.
This is really bad.
Son, the rules say that we get to swap in one player for this round, and I'm asking you to step down.
I'm always the one that has to step down.
That's why I chose you.
- You've got rejection muscle.
- Fine.
Good boy.
You're our Rudy.
- Rudy got to play.
- I didn't say which Rudy.
Can't you give me a pity job, like scorekeeper? Fine, you're scorekeeper.
I don't want your pity job.
Dad, I think you need a little more salt in your diet.
Where are you taking us? You know, I don't want to be here.
Shh.
We're here.
Are you sure these are safe here? No, this whole temple is a scam to collect smelly shoes.
I knew it.
This is what I was talking about.
These are salt mandalas.
This will change our lives.
Start pouring the salt.
Yum.
Mm.
That's so beautiful.
I finally understand why you had to come here.
So how do we get it home? I worry about it in my carry-on.
I'm gonna need a lot of glue.
- We don't.
We destroy it.
- What? To prove attachment to any material pursuit is meaningless.
I'll start.
Mom, you're tidying it.
Destroy it.
Are you happy now? Because [GASPS] I am.
Yes.
You've achieved Zen.
Now you just have to do two more.
- MARGE: Hmm.
- I'm gonna go check on Dad.
You have been wasting your talents bowling.
You have to destroy it.
Never! Never! Never! [SNEEZES] Damn it! Now do you see it? Do you see the meaninglessness of striving for worldly things? [GASPS] I do.
I am going to stop being so driven and ambitious Don't you laugh, Missy.
Amazing Zen.
He's like the reincarnation of the Buddha.
- [BOTH GASP] - It is the Buddha.
Great.
Now I feel guilty I stole his shoes.
ANNOUNCER: We're in the late game, and the Evergreen Terrors have a narrow lead against the Brazilian Blowouts, but where is Coach Homer Simpson? Competition is meaningless.
To strive is to fail.
Out of nowhere, the mind comes forth.
And a third thing.
Time for the lava quadball.
We're gonna win.
Dad's crazy coaching worked.
If I win, I'll be the most famous girl gamer of all time.
Also, if I lose.
So beautiful.
Must destroy.
- [CROWD GROANING] - No! Not now.
- [ELECTRICAL BUZZING] - [CROWD GASPING] [CROWD SHOUTING] ANNOUNCER: The match is canceled.
No refunds.
Send in the riot police.
[SLOW PIANO VERSION OF "SUICIDE IS PAINLESS" PLAYS] PILOT: Uh, welcome to our 19-hour-and-45-minute flight from Seoul, South Korea to Springfield.
One brief note: Our in-flight entertainment system is not working at all.
Have a great flight, folks.
- Also, we're out of almonds.
- [HOMER GROANS] Zen.
Remember your Zen.
I'm sorry, you're too fat for coach.
We'll have to put you in first class.
Thanks to Buddha, I win again.
Dad, I don't think you've quite grasped the religion.
Two words: Boo-duh.
[LISA GRUMBLES] [SNORING] We don't want you anymore.
You blew it.
Your son has a chance to be well-adjusted.
- [ALL JEERING] - Yeah, great.
Wait, I've got a baby daughter.
Maybe she's good at beach volleyball.
How old is she? - One.
- Too late.