The Simpsons s30e18 Episode Script

Bart vs. Itchy & Scratchy

1 I love a good panel.
Krusty clearly hates being there, but he still gets super mad when anyone but him talks.
Please welcome the legendary stars of the Krusty the Clown Show.
[CHEERING] Hey-hey! And a non-writing producer.
Ooh, non-writing.
Hey-hey, kids! ALL: Hey-hey, Krusty! Have we got a great panel planned for you today.
What is it, Howard, the usual crap? Oh, yeah, that'll kill some time.
[AUDIENCE SCREAMS] [GRUNTING] Kids, call the police! This isn't a sketch! [GROANS] Ah.
My legs! Stick to the script.
[STRAINING]: Ladies and gentlemen, Miami Sound Machine.
Come on, shake Where do you come up with your ideas? I'm a genius.
Next.
- Are there any plans - BOTH: For another Krusty movie? We're waiting for a story that needs to be told.
Once we see that, we'll copy it and call it a parody.
Oy.
Does anyone have a question that hasn't been asked a thousand times? I have the worst fans in the world.
Now we've got a big surprise for the best fans in the world! We're making some big changes to your favorite cartoon.
- [AUDIENCE GASPS] - MAN: It's different.
It's an all-female reboot of Itchy & Scratchy! BOTH: Oh, my God! Pretty enlightened, eh, kids? We here at the Krusty Show really care about gender diversity.
Ask anyone: our lawyers, our attorneys, anyone.
A girl Itchy & Scratchy? No, no, no, this can't be.
They've ruined my childhood.
Your childhood is currently happening.
That's how I know.
It doesn't make any sense.
In real life, Itchy and Scratchy are dudes.
Girl mice don't have the upper body strength to wield a chain saw.
Is truth dead? BOYS: Boo! Ah, you boys are leaving me for video games anyway.
Zap, zap, zap, you'll all die alone.
Girl power is where it's at.
That movie where Superman was a chick made a megillah of shekels.
Am I right, ladies? [GIRLS CHEERING] See? Girls like my pandering.
Remember this if there's ever a gender war.
Oh, this is the worst change Krusty's ever made to the show, even worse than Sideshow Leonard Cohen.
When girl Itchy & Scratchy comes on, we should totally hate-watch it.
No, everybody come over to my house, and we'll turn off the TV the second that girl cartoon comes on.
We'll hate-not-watch it.
Yeah! Hate-not-watch! Yeah, that won't not show 'em.
I never really thought about Itchy and Scratchy as male or female, but it is cool that they're girls now.
I always thought they were a married couple, and that's why they fought so much.
Mom, they're different species.
I don't know what to be liberal about anymore.
I am so pumped to hate-not-watch Itchy & Scratchy.
I've not popped the popcorn, the lights are not turned down.
Perfect.
Listen, son, I'm proud that you're starting to hate things, but take it slow.
If you use up all your hate when you're young, one day you'll be an old man who likes things that suck.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Tonight, cabbage.
It is a lovely shade of gray, and just look at the wrinklin.
All I'm saying is, if they ever make a female Mr.
Magoo, I will lose it, I will just lose it! KRUSTY [ON TV]: Hey-hey, kids! It's time to tickle your funny bones and your Equal Employment Opportunity Commission bones by presenting the all-new, all-female Itchy & Scratchy! Now to sit in silence till it's over.
Blindfolds on, gentlemen.
This is Lisa Simpson, recording my reaction to this historic moment in cartoon women's history.
SINGERS: They fight, they bite They bite and fight and bite, bite, bite, bite KRUSTY: Now they're girls SINGERS: The Itchy & Scratchy KRUSTY: Girls! May I? I got my ticket for the long way 'round Two bottle o' whiskey for the way [IN DISTANCE]: And I sure would like Some sweet company And I'm leaving tomorrow What do you say? - [LAUGHING] - When I'm gone, when I'm gone You're gonna miss me when I'm gone [LAUGHING] You're gonna miss me by my hair, you're gonna miss me Ha-ha! I knew you couldn't resist watching.
And guess what, you laughed! It was funny.
I-I wasn't laughing.
I-I was crying a-and burping! And open.
We did it.
We prejudged something without giving it a chance.
I am so proud of us.
Like Bart Simpson would ever watch a girl Itchy & Scratchy.
Never gonna happen.
- [GRUNTING] - Yeah.
That little liar.
If only people could know that Bart laughed even harder than I did [GASPS] All right, you soda-squirting hypocrite, I know exactly what to do with this video.
TOSHUA JOSH [ON TV]: Welcome to Josh.
0, the show for people who want to look at the Internet but don't have a computer or a phone.
You know what bugs me about old guys at the gym? They always forget to wipe down the machine.
[LAUGHING]: He means the blood.
Now, this boy says he hates all-girl Itchy & Scratchy, but then this happened [LAUGHING] Bart, you got to see this! Some old guy at a gym got hit by a boat! Also, now everyone knows you're the world's biggest hypocrite.
[LAUGHING] [LAUGHING]: You said you weren't gonna watch it, and then you did and you loved it! Then you got busted and I called you in here and laughed at you! And I'm still doing it! Look at you.
What a jerk.
[BART GROANS] Well, Bart, how does it feel to be trolled, memed, giffed, and, dare I say, pwned? How do you know those words? I read about them in Parade magazine.
Big deal, I was exposed as a liar on the Internet.
I've got so much cred built up, nothing can take me down.
You betrayed us, Bart.
And worse, you betrayed your own wang.
You know what? Yes, I laughed at a cartoon.
Why? Because it was funny.
So what if Itchy and Scratchy are girls? I laughed, and you can't take back the laugh.
Girls aren't funny.
They're hot or moms.
Or both.
Girls stole Itchy and Scratchy.
What are they gonna take next, our body spray? Our puka shell necklaces? - Yeah! - Lame! Girls get everything: bigger, softer baseballs, chick flicks, two-piece bathing suits, and on House Hunters International, they always choose the house that she wants.
He's right.
The wife gets the beach view, but it's always a longer commute for the husband.
- You know, you're right.
- Oh, yeah.
You guys see what's happening? You're listening to Milhouse! So? Maybe we are.
MILHOUSE: They are listening to me.
The next thing I say must be perfectly chosen to show I am worthy of leadership.
Get him! [SHOUTING] [PANTING] [GROANS] [GROANS] - [BOYS GROWLING] - [BART GASPS] [HISSING] [GASPS] Sixth graders.
Tweens.
What are you doing in the girl's room, Seat Soaker? No, no, I didn't mean to come in here.
I need sanctuary.
Hey, you guys have a candy machine? No fair.
Spin him till he barfs.
Ah! I'm full of hummus and milk! [GROANING] Pink spray paint? Give that back.
That's for Skinner's office.
You tell anyone about this, you're canceled.
Charlie Rose canceled.
No, no, no, you can trust me.
I'm not just any fourth grader.
Whoa, this dude's El Barto.
Huh, I always thought it was that fifth grader, Eloise Barto.
Yeah, sometimes I get her e-mail.
You know, if you fill up a leaf blower with paint, you can coat Skinner's whole office.
- Duh.
- Double duh.
Where are we gonna get a leaf blower? Willie's shack.
[SOUND OF BAGPIPES PLAYING] Whoa, homemade prank masks.
The knit is on.
This'll teach Skinner to ban sandals.
Oh, he will not silence our toes.
Hurry, Skinner's almost back from his lunchtime dog-walking job.
[HUMMING] [DOOR OPENS] I will not negotiate with terrorists.
I'll just give in.
Sandals unbanned.
Ladies, that was smooth, Barbie smooth.
So smooth.
Hey, why are you still here, truck-nuts? Whoa, is this your hideout? It's the old Home Ec classroom, where they would brainwash girls into being good little housewives, but now it's our war room.
Also, we cook here, we do a little bit of sewing.
Stop telling him things! Cooties be damned, you girls are badass and your pranks are next level.
Take a seat and learn something.
We don't do "pranks," we drop awareness bombs.
Our protest crew is called Bossy Riot.
We're pushing back against the pushback, starting with this school.
Look at this his-tory book.
BART: Cool shades.
That is textbook textbook shredding.
Now do you see what we're doing here? I think I do.
You're sticking it to the man, but this time, the man is men.
Look, you got to let me join your gang.
You know, if we're really serious about gender equality, it's only right that a boy be our servant.
Okay, No-varies, you're in, if you pass this test Steal Skinner's cell phone.
Work or personal? - CHALMERS: Skinner! - AGNES: Seymour! Welcome to girlhood.
Gentlemen, our way of life - is under attack.
- Hear, hear! Society is trying to erase boys.
They give us drugs that make us do girly things, like pay attention.
They're putting drugs in our medication? We need to band together.
Like a sorority, but for dudes.
I give you the Boys Rights Association.
- BOYS: BRA! - B-R-A.
- Right now, we're just training BRAs.
- Mm-hmm.
But soon, we'll be the strongest, most supportive BRAs anyone has ever seen.
[CHANTING]: We are BRAs! We are BRAs! Our son has one, two [GASPS] eight friends.
They're more than just friends, he's-he's the leader.
[EXHALES] I'm feeling this wave of relief, not worrying about my son's social life.
I can stop being a mother and start being a a woman.
[EXHALES] Say it.
Say it again.
Our son has friends.
Old folks say "You poor little fool" Down the streets, I'm the girl next door I'm the fox you've been waiting for Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb Hello, world, I'm your wild girl I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb Stone Age love and strange sounds, too This is why I sit.
Bad nights causing teenage blues Get down, ladies, you've got nothing to lose Hello, Daddy, hello, Mom I'm your ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb BROCKMAN: Springfield, a town living in fear, as masked pranksters calling themselves "Bossy Riot," spread their terrifying message of female empowerment.
The latest victim of this "gal Qaeda," our once-proud symbol of the portly pastry-purveying patriarchy.
HOMER: "Lard Lady"? But a donut is the ultimate symbol of masculinity.
The only lead police have as to the identity of Bossy Riot is this security camera footage.
[HOMER LAUGHS] HOMER: Moe and his bats.
Bossy Riot is so cool.
We need fearless female activists to fight back against misogyny and man-spreading.
Well, whoever they are, they are the coolest badasses this town has ever seen, whoever they are.
Ooh, Bart winked at me.
I must be in on a joke.
[CHUCKLES] - [BART HUMMING] - Hmm - [SCREAMS] - Bart, are you in Bossy Riot? - No way.
- Ah, good.
Because if you were fighting for women's rights, it would destroy my entire vision of the universe.
- Actually, I totally am.
- [SHOUTS] You can't be an activist for women's rights.
You don't know anything about the feminist cause.
Sure I do.
Chicks get a raw deal.
I'm a little fuzzy on the deets, but take my word for it.
[GROANS] It's all about the deets.
You're not a girl.
You just want to spray-paint the world and watch it drip.
You've never been called shrill just because you speak up.
And-and girls' clothing has no pockets, while yours are lousy with pockets! This is good stuff, I got to write it down.
[BART HUMMING] This is someone else's war, and you, y-you're just a mercenary.
Mercenaries are cool, like Boba Fett.
Oh, yeah, Boba Fett, great character.
Boba Fett's badass.
He wears a jetpack and a cape.
Pick a lane, weirdo.
Why does every discussion about feminism turn into an argument about Star Wars? If Boba Fett's such a great bounty hunter, why is his armor all banged up? [SIGHS] It's a look, like distressed denim.
You shouldn't be part of a protest if you don't care about the cause.
Well, you care.
Why don't you come with? Maybe I will.
Great.
Bring black gloves and no ID.
You've been Tasered before, right? It only hurts until you pass out.
I'm excited; I want to, I do, but there's a part of me that's scared, and that part is my body and my head.
It's okay, I get it.
There's nothing wrong with being all talk.
Us feminists need cheerleaders, too.
[GROANS] So, what's up, my fellow Ruthless Bader Ginsburgs? What's on the a-gender for the evening? Your friends in the so-called "Boys Rights Association" have been protesting The Krusty Show.
I told you not to light the toys yet.
I didn't, they just burst into flames.
Krusty caved.
He said he'd never show another all-girl Itchy & Scratchy ever again.
So we're gonna destroy the master tapes of every Itchy & Scratchy.
Wait, what? No.
I love those cartoons.
I can't let you do it.
Oh, you can't "let" us? Don't have a lady cow.
All cows are ladies.
That thing you said about me being all talk? Well, I have prepared two comebacks, and I will now give you both.
Those girls are gonna destroy every Itchy & Scratchy, forever! [GRUNTING] Hey, hey, boys and boys! Well, congratulations, I'm never gonna air the girl Itchy & Scratchy again.
You hit me where it hurts the most: right in the sponsors.
Buy 'em all.
[GASPS] We're too late.
They're going to destroy the tapes on live TV.
Let's get him out of those bras and go.
Uh, no, you can leave me like this.
I'm good.
We are Bossy Riot, and we're gonna drop all the original Itchy & Scratchys into a pool of nail polish remover.
[ALL GASPING] That's crazy.
We have those backed up a thousand times.
Right, Howard? What do you do?! Don't do it.
Those shows are funny.
Mice killing cats, guts everywhere.
It doesn't matter if it's boy guts or girl guts.
Guts are guts.
See, the thing about comedy is Bart, stop mansplaining! No, no, no, no, if I keep talking, they'll get it eventually.
[GRUNTS] The fumes are burning my eyes.
[ALL CRYING] Look, they're crying, on live TV.
Glitterize their tears.
Mama! Don't worry, sir, your brothers are united in blaming this on you.
[SHOUTING IN AGREEMENT] [GROANS] Hey, hey! Come back here! You there, sweet innocent girls, did you see three crazed man-haters run through here? Gee, Officer, they went that way.
Thanks, princess.
Thank you.
Wait a second.
Do any of you babysit? Great.
Be at my house Saturday at 7:00.
And if Ralph asks you to give him a bath, do not give him a bath.
So I guess I'm not in the group anymore.
You were never in the group.
We just kept you around for fingerprints and DNA.
But making those boys cry was hardcore.
You, uh, ever think about wearing the yarn? Me? Join you? Can I do it? Can I push my beliefs further than they've ever gone? - Well, let us know.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] Mask me.
["EXTREME WAYS" BY MOBY PLAYING] So spill it, Simpson.
You were on the inside.
What's the deal with girls? Well, check this out: they also burp.
No way.
From where? Is that even allowed? Let's see, what else? They're always telling each other they're pretty, their bathroom candy tastes really weird, but there's one thing that really crushed me.
I almost don't want to say it out loud.
They don't envy us.
- - Oh [GASPS] [SIGHS] [MILHOUSE SOBS QUIETLY]