The Simpsons s30e22 Episode Script

Woo-Hoo Dunnit

1 Let go, let go.
[ALARM BEEPING] [GURGLING] [PINGS] This is Dateline: Springfield.
From a distance, the Simpsons were the perfect family.
Homer and Marge were high school sweethearts.
She saved me from a dateless prom.
He saved me from a life with my sisters.
Those two are monsters.
Cut to them, you'll see.
What are you filming us for? NARRATOR: Marge and Homer raised their three kids in an atmosphere of love, laughter and crushing economic anxiety.
The only thing they needed was each other.
When I first met the Simpsons, in 1947, they were building affordable homes in Pennsylvania.
Little Maggie was going to be the next Lindbergh baby.
But John Foster Dulles had other ideas.
Don't interview Grampa.
He almost made Ken Burns quit the business.
[LAUGHS] That pompous old fool was more boring than baseball.
NARRATOR: Little did the Simpsons suspect that their American dream was about to be flipped upside down by the spatula of crime.
Home to a nuclear power plant and an active volcano, Springfield seemed like the safest place in the world.
But that tranquility was about to be shattered, in a mysterious crime that would tear the Simpson family apart.
Tear us apart? Nothing can tear us apart.
Tear us apart.
- Mom, stop saying "tear us apart.
" - It's tearing us apart! Who wants mac and cheese? NARRATOR: Our conscienceless reenactment begins as Marge and Lisa return home from a trip to the market.
MARGE: Whatever we didn't spend, I'd donate to Lisa's secret college fund.
LISA: We hid it in the last place the men in this family would look.
MARGE: [CHUCKLES] A jar of cleanser.
What happened next was one of those life‐changing moments that always seem to happen under the sink.
NARRATOR: The entire college fund, $670.
42, was gone.
And just like that, Lisa's dream of going to college for three weeks, without a food plan, was over.
For any parent of young children, the thing you dread most is losing a can full of money.
911 OPERATOR: 911 dispatch.
State the nature of your emergency.
LISA: There's been a robbery! LISA: Send help! 742 Evergreen Terrace.
911 OPERATOR: It wouldn't hurt you to say "please.
" LISA: It's an emergency! You don't have to say "please.
" 911 OPERATOR: Sounds like what's been stolen are your manners.
LISA: Please! 911 OPERATOR: Help is on the way.
You're welcome.
LISA: Can I get your name, please? And your supervisor? LISA: If I may? 911 OPERATOR: Help is no longer on the way.
[FAKE DIAL TONE] LISA: Jerk.
Uh, Chief, you found something? Zero evidence of Pringles, so [SIGHS] So we were back at square one.
It was not your typical break‐in.
No sign of forced entry.
I mean, the dog didn't even bark.
Somebody knew exactly where to rub him.
The tummy.
[MOANS] NARRATOR: A police reenactment confirmed the chief's theory.
[MOANS]: Oh, oh, God, that's great.
Oh, there's no way I'm barking.
Oh, Lou, you got to teach my wife to do this.
NARRATOR: With zero evidence of a break‐in, police suspicion turned to the family.
This just didn't pass what cops call "the smell test.
" I've watched a lot of cop shows in my day.
I consider myself something of an amateur policeman.
[CHUCKLES] Let me just stop this documentary, or "doc," here and now! We are good people.
We do not steal.
That's borrowing.
Borrowing.
Borr‐ow‐ing.
NARRATOR: And so this nuclear family began to explode, as suspicion focused on one man.
Oh, what about the important clue the police missed? Somebody set a drink down here without a coaster.
That had to be a stranger.
This is an expensive table, and my family knows I don't want it stained.
D'oh NARRATOR: Springfield detectives made a desperate plea to the public for help.
‐ They didn't have to wait long.
‐ [PHONE BEEPS] MILHOUSE [OVER PHONE]: Nelson came to school today with a salon‐quality haircut.
His family doesn't even have money for milk.
He eats cereal with rain water.
‐ [PHONE BEEPS] - Mr.
Teeny stole the money, like he steals all my scenes.
I swear it on my very bone.
Sincerely, anonymous caller.
But just as you're about to give up after two calls, ‐ you hit pay dirt.
‐ [PHONE BEEPS] HELEN [OVER PHONE]: I would like to accuse Marge Simpson of stealing that money to feed her gambling habit.
She told my husband, the minister, that she was an addict.
In confidence, but, you know.
[CHUCKLES] NARRATOR: Marge Simpson.
This suburban mother with Olive Oyl good looks had kicked her gambling habit years ago.
Or had she? MARGE: I admit it.
I couldn't resist the temptation.
But then I did.
NARRATOR: Marge walked out of the casino and off the suspect list.
Shockingly, the mystery would not be solved in the first five minutes of the show.
With Marge's name cleared, the police moved to the next suspect on their list, Homer Simpson.
Homer's bar tab was spiraling out of control.
Five, six hundred bucks.
That night, Moe cut him off.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] I'm sorry Yeah, our theory was that Homer came home wasted, he fell, he shimmied and he found the money under the sink there, and he figured he'd just use it to pay his tab.
Well it's indisputable that Homer visited the kitchen before going to bed.
You see, we found spaghetti sauce splatter consistent with a very violent late‐night snack.
This is, ah, this is not a flayvin situation.
Although, I still am compelled to say flayvin.
LOU: Sauce on the walls, the ceiling, under Homer's fingernails.
That pasta fought hard for its life.
What that man did to those leftovers I'm sorry, I‐I can't continue.
NARRATOR: But if the kitchen had been a tomato‐soaked abattoir that night, why had no one noticed in the morning? Hmm.
LOU: He cleaned up the kitchen after stuffing all the money into his pocket, so we just had to get those pants.
Fortunately, a simple sting did the trick.
[HOMER HUMMING] Ooh, Super Bowl in July! [CHUCKLES] No money in these pants.
All we find is candy‐coated peanuts, popcorn and a prize.
Now, that's some Cracker Jack detective work.
[LAUGHS] Get it? Cracker Jack? [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Yeah.
But as for evidence, we, uh, we got nothing.
With Homer still the prime suspect, and the investigation stalled, Deadline: Springfield was in dire straits.
The show desperately needed a cliffhanger commercial break.
What if the real criminal mastermind was billionaire Montgomery Burns? Why would I steal $600? That's nothing to me.
This is what rich is.
Smithers, bring me some more money.
Need more convincing? No.
We'll be right back.
NARRATOR: Police returned to their first theory: could Homer Simpson have done it? Oh, definitely.
Hey, you're gonna distort my voice for this, right? 'Cause I don't want no one knowing that this is Moe Szyslak here.
Oh, and cut the name, too, yeah? NARRATOR: As Moe Szyslak said, Homer was definitely a suspect.
It was pretty clear, Chief liked Homer Simpson for this case.
Well, geez, Lou, I wouldn't say that I liked‐liked him.
I just, uh why, did he say something about me? I mean you thought he was a person of interest.
Shut up.
I can find someone interesting without being interest‐ed in them.
Shut up.
Yeah, but then new evidence came in that apparently cleared Homer.
Phone records showed a six‐hour call from Homer's phone to a third party on the night of the crime.
The DNA revealed that it was a butt dial.
Yeah, and not just to someone on his speed dial list.
Uh‐uh.
His dexterous cheeks dialed all ten digits.
[PHONE BEEPING] DISCO STU [OVER PHONE]: Disco Stu is unavailable for you.
At the beep, you know what to do.
When police played back Homer's message, it revealed a horrifying truth.
Homer didn't scrub the spaghetti sauce off that kitchen with cleanser.
The sick bastard licked those walls clean.
[HOMER MUMBLING, MOANING] He had a little help.
[BARKING] [YOWLS] [GRUNTING] My first thought was to delete the message, sure, but then I started grooving to that slurping safari.
I hadn't heard any other music than disco in so long.
Sometimes, a persona can just it becomes a trap, you know? I knew it couldn't be Homer.
Every Simpson is innocent.
NARRATOR: Until proven guilty.
No.
Just innocent.
What are you doing? Stop panning across the family.
They didn't do it.
Finally.
I've been expecting you.
[LAUGHS] Like any normal healthy boy, Bart has been the focus of numerous police investigations.
But a mother knows when her son is innocent.
And when she's kidding herself, and when she's turning a blind eye.
This time he's innocent.
Just ask his friends.
‐ State your name for the record.
‐ Bart Simpson took the money.
I admit I knew about the money under the sink, but whatever I borrowed, I always put back.
Also, $600? What would a ten‐year‐old boy do with that much money? Slime.
Bart was buying slime.
I've never seen such a cooperative witness.
I brought extra batteries for your tape recorder, too.
NARRATOR: Slime.
The gooey, harmless plaything wildly popular with kids today.
I'd seen all the fads: yo‐yos, pogs, Pokémon, crunking, the short stories of John Cheever.
But this beat them all.
On a clear day Rise and look around you And you will see who [GRUNTS] You are My plan was, if I owned all the slime, I'd set the price, except that's when the bottom fell out.
[SCREAMING] Lucky for me, there was one gullible schlub who didn't realize the craze was over.
I sold my entire stash to him.
I have not agreed to be in your documentary.
Please go.
BART: So I put the money back I had borrowed from under the sink, and I filmed it because I knew no one would believe me.
NARRATOR: So that's everyone in the Simpson family, except for Lisa, of course.
It couldn't be her, right? Nah.
Well, let's look at the Oh, for God's sake.
I asked Lisa where she was when the money was stolen and she said, "Chillin'.
You know, maxin' and relaxin'.
" Now these are the words of a very cool person, but Lisa Simpson is not even a little cool.
So [CHUCKLES] huh.
MARGE: Oh, come on.
No one, I repeat no one, would believe Lisa could do it.
But she's also a girl who wants a new saxophone.
I'm just saying.
I've been Lisa's supplier for years.
Reeds, wipes, valve grease.
Would she commit a crime over a new sax? [CHUCKLES] Did Dave Brubeck compose in 9/8 time? He did.
We'll count it out together.
[HUMMING "BLUE RONDO À LA TURK" BY DAVE BRUBECK] Go ahead, give it a spin.
[PLAYING "NIGHT LIGHTS" BY GERRY MULLIGAN] Oh, it's the best bari sax on the market, a Smoothphone Jazzhonker in black nickel.
[CHUCKLES] But I wouldn't steal for it.
NARRATOR: When we come back, Lisa did it.
‐ No, I didn't.
‐ Lisa, it's your bedtime.
I got to go.
My mom's reading me Harry Potter book four.
NARRATOR: Oh, yeah, the one where Cedric Diggory dies? ‐ You suck.
‐ NARRATOR: You did it! No, you did it, jerk.
Okay, okay.
Time's up.
[GRUNTS] The reed's mine.
NARRATOR: You can't spell greed without reed.
Check it out.
Why did we agree to do this documentary? Because all our biggest stars today come from true crime documentaries: The Jinx, Making a Murderer, and Matt Lauer on the Today Show.
NARRATOR: It turns out Lisa did not buy the new saxophone.
Someone else did.
I've always wanted to play bari sax, but my father insisted on tenor.
In you go.
‐ What do you think of this? ‐ You're still a disappointment.
[SHOUTS] NARRATOR: But if Lisa was innocent, why was she so reluctant to explain her whereabouts at the time of the crime? Shut up about my Lisa! I can tell you where she was.
‐ She was ‐ Uh, bup, bup, bup, bup! Mom! Mom! No! Err! Apparently, some of the girls at school were Let's just say I stole the money, okay? End of documentary.
See you at the Independent Spirit Awards.
I took her to her hopscotch tutor.
LISA: I was hanging on by a thread, and now the whole world will joke about how I am the only girl who ever needed a hopscotch tutor.
Lisa, just repeat after me.
One foot, two foot, one foot, one foot, two foot, one foot, two foot, one foot So stupid.
Who invented this game? The Scotch invented hopscotch and Scotch tape! ‐ What about scotch whiskey? ‐ Never heard of it.
See, I told you, all innocent.
So maybe now you vultures can leave us be.
NARRATOR: We've taken up enough of your time.
Let's go, guys.
What are you doing? My family's in the clear.
I want you to apologize to my wife! NARRATOR: Apologize? [CHUCKLES] Us? Oh, you will, and you know why? I am the last person that watches network television, including the commercials.
[GRUNTS] I apologize.
MARGE: Now promise that this scene will not be removed in editing.
I can't promise that, only the editor can.
‐ I got him.
‐ I'm gonna report you to the American Cinema Editors.
- It's just an honorary society.
- You take that back! Whew.
What a relief.
So who did do it? It was obviously Bart.
It's always Bart.
Hey, nothing is my fault 'cause Dad raised me so rotten.
Well, nothing is my fault 'cause my dad raised me so rotten.
Don't blame me.
It was a race out the door and your mother won.
‐ Oh, yeah? ‐ It was Bart! ‐ [OVERLAPPING ARGUING] - To show how irresponsible you are! Shut up, all you innocent people.
I wish I was never responsible for you.
Stop it, stop it! You're tearing this family apart.
And stop calling the sofa a love seat! I barely like it! NARRATOR: The great Simpson Robbery remains unsolved.
Justice may never be served, but at the end of the day, what matters is that we enjoyed watching bad things happen to human beings who aren't us.
Ah! Help, Mother.
[RALPH HUMMING] [LISA GROANS] WIGGUM: You try not to dwell on your innumerable failures.
Instead, you stare out to sea and try to look like you're thinking deep thoughts.
Just like this.
Yeah.
You got what you need? 'Cause I got an itch, I got to scratch it.
Now let's celebrate.
We got through a documentary looking better than before it started.
Nobody's done that since André the Giant.
Homer Simpson, you'll leave a ring.
Ta‐da! A snap‐on coaster.
Nifty, huh? What the? Where'd you get this thing? I invented it.
How many of these things did you have made? A thousand.
I wanted to start a business.
A thousand, huh? That must've been expensive.
That's what I thought, but it was only 65 cents apiece.
So 650 bucks total? When did you get so good at your timeses? [GASPS] It was you, but the whole time you denied it.
It was always you! - [SOBBING] I‐I can explain.
- No! No explanation.
Kids, get in here! For once in this marriage, you did the wrong thing.
I am going to savor this.
I am gonna wait until I do something wrong, and then Okay, we're even.
Well, let me just explain why.
Every day, you go out to your friends, to Moe's.
Life to you is an adventure.
And I had an idea, an idea for something that might make me somebody.
But I admit it, I was gambling, on myself.
[SOBBING]: I understand, honey.
I completely understand.
[BOTH SOBBING] ‐ What's going on? ‐ Well, Lisa, ‐ I'm afraid I have to say ‐ Lisa, I just want you to know your mother's about to say that the money was eaten by rats.
‐ But ‐ How did rats get inside the can? Uh Grampa left it open.
Oh, why do they blame everything around here on me? ‐ [MICROWAVE DINGS] ‐ Oh, good, the cat's done.
Marge, I'd like to take a walk with the greatest woman ever.
Oh.
From that moment on, Homer and I had never been closer.
HOMER: We shared a dark secret.
It was so sexy.
[BOTH MOANING] Marge, I have a secret, too.
[WHISPERS]: I'm losing my hair.
"The Great Simpson Robbery remains unsol" W‐Wait, what do you mean unsolved? [STAMMERS] What the hell is this? My public expects me to solve the mystery, Bob.
It's not like we can just change the format of the show.
You just read the copy.
Our viewers want one thing, it's simple: solve the freakin' crime, be told who did it.
[HOARSELY]: And I am the soothing voice, ‐ the reassuring voice that Ah! ‐ [POP] [QUIETLY]: Did you hear that? Oh, my God, I snapped my right vocal cord that's the dulcet one.
Quick! Prep him for cord transplant.
We don't have a human donor.
All we have is the vocal cord of a sheep.
And I'm [BLEATING]: ba‐a‐ack.
He has an unbelievable work ethic for a voice‐over actor.